1. New Rule: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for Classmates.com! There's a reason I haven't talked to people for 10 years. Because they suck.
2. New Rule: Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless you're a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was found in a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What did you expect it to contain? Trout? Lucky it was a finger, at least then you'd have a chance of getting a ring out of it.
3. New Rule: Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot, blonde teachers are permanently damaged. No joke here, seriously just stop it.
4. New Rule: If you need to shave and you still collect baseball cards, you're gay. If you're a kid, the cards are keepsakes of your idols. If you're a grown man, they're pictures of men.
5. New Rule: Starbucks sucks. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a "decaf grande half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low and one NutraSweet," ooh, you are one gigantic anus. As a matter of fact, any guy who go to starbucks is gay anyway.
6. New Rule: I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding my card, entering my PIN number, pressing "Enter," verifying the amount, deciding, no, I don't want cash back, and pressing "Enter" again, the kid who is supposed to be ringing me up is standing there eating my god damned twix. Paper, plastic? I don't have time for that. I've just been called to do a cleanup on Aisle Nine!
8. The number 7 is over rated.
9. New Rule: I don't need a bigger mega M&M. If I'm extra hungry for M&Ms, I'll go nuts and eat two.
10. New Rule: No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab. Picking up the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn't gift giving, it's the white people version of looting.
11. New Rule, and this one is long overdue: No more bathroom attendants. After I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint like I just had ate out Oprah's sloppy poon. I can't even tell if he's supposed to be there, or just some freak with a fetish. I don't want to be on your web cam playa, I just want to wash my friggin' hands.
12. New Rule: When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to know in months. "27 Months." "He's two," will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I didn't care in the first place, I was just making conversation.
13. New Rule: If you're going to insist on making movies based on crappy, old television shows, then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a remote so we can see what's playing on the other screens. Let's remember the reason something was a television show in the first place is the idea wasn't good enough to be a movie.
[ October 21, 2005, 11:11 AM: Message edited by: Ironic Mustache ]
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