I know that you're in a bad place right now, but I plea to not give in and subject yourself to any form of organized religion, if you're thinking about it. They really do prey on those in need of emotional and moral support, and it's how members like BDH got sucked in. I can understand why many people use churches and the like as social groups, but at the added cost of unquestioning obedience to a myth, it's really not worth it. It really kills me to see people being lied to and lying to themselves to cope, when there are real explanations and ample non-faith-based help solutions out there. I think that if you cope with your personal tragedies as a skeptic and a realist, you will be far better off in the long run than one who pursues wishful thinking.
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Originally Posted by Dirty Harry
...but my point was that I haven't really been happy in quite some time. Walking in the path of faithlessness has not lead me to a good place. It's lead me to a place of hate, self-loathing, and unhappiness.
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I think that everybody goes through these kinds of things in their lives at different times. I think that some kind of change is definitely in order, but I don't think that religion and the necessary suspension of rationality and reason is the best way to pursue it. I know you're still in school, and I don't know how much of it you have left, but I would highly consider trying to get out of Indiana when you graduate and go looking for new jobs. Not Chicago, either; get out of the midwest altogether. Move somewhere warm, make some new friends, start over. You have all of this and more to look forward to in life, and I can personally attest (as can probably many others on this board, and infinitely more in IRL) that leaving Indiana was one of the best decisions I ever made.
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Perhaps it is not a lack of faith or God, but merely character flaws or mental illness on my own part that has lead me here. Although it may lead to nothing, I'm going to keep looking for something.
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I wouldn't blame yourself too much. A lot of this is just circumstantial, although, not to be cliche, attitude really does help, even though that's almost a form of self-brainwashing. If you've been unhappy for a long time, depression might be the cause, and it would be worth checking out.
Might I suggest looking further into the realm of science? Specifically, the mechanisms behind astronomy and biology -- more than a layman's education. Might sound kinda weird, but we humans do have a natural tendency to want to believe in things that are bigger and "higher" than ourselves --- and luckily, these things exist, and they're in the forces of nature. I have definitely given over my sense of wonder to the cosmos and the complexities of natural life rather than the metaphysical, and feel much more wonder than I ever did when I was a churchgoer. Frequently indulging myself in these has also humbled me quite a bit in terms of understand how small and pointless all of our lives are -- in a good way.
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Originally Posted by Mark Twain
I do not fear death. I had been dead for billions and billions of years before I was born, and had not suffered the slightest inconvenience from it.
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The more I study and learn about the intricacies of nature (not just staring at the stars or a tree, but understanding the billions of years of processes that made them the way they are), the more I appreciate existing, even when things in my life are rather shitty.
Turn out the lights and full screen this shit.