Cooking with Assholes (c) --AP's advanced version thread

[angry pancake]

Last night was meatballs. Here's how it goes.

I use ricotta instead of romano or pecorina or other harder cheese. I didn't have any ricotta so I made some. I needed a cup or so of ricotta. To make ricotta: 4 1/2 cups of milk brought to about 180 degrees. Remove from heat. Add about 2 1/2 tablespoons of vinegar (I used rice wine vinegar, but use whatever you want or lime juice) to milk, stir in vinegar and viola --mixture separates in seconds. Strain through cheese cloth lined colander.



Heat milk to 180. No thermometer, 180 is scalding and steaming, but not boiling or simmering.



Milk separating after adding the acid.





Strain for as long as you feel like it.



Mix the ricotta with some ground meat. I had a package of ground beef (see the "what did you just buy" thread) some onion, about a cup of bread crumbs (make your own lazy ass), some Italian parsley, a couple of eggs, chili flakes, salt and pepper. How much onion? Depends on how much you like.



Add a little hot sauce to taste. Use as hot or as mild as you like.



Wash your hands. Mix by hand. Then wash your goddammed hands again.



lube up a baking dish with a little olive oil. form into meatball. put into a preheated 450 degree oven for about 15-20 minutes.



Meanwhile makes some sauce. chop some onions, carrot, celery, bay leaf and cook down over medium low heat while the meatballs cook. Stir occasionally so the shit won't burn. I didn't have any celery, I substituted more hot sauce and garlic.



Also use good quality tomatoes and basil



Add tomatoes, bring heat up to just below boiling, then lower heat to low to simmer. if you forgot to add the bay leaves earlier, do so now. You want the heat low enough so that it doesn't platter-boil.



Look what AP found in the fridge. May as well add some of that. just a tiny bit of each.



After the sauce has cooked a while the tomatoes will have collapsed. At this point take out the bay leaves and mixture together. AP used an immersion stick blender, but a regular blender or processor will work.




Added the partially cooked meatballs to sauce pot to finish cooking. About a half hour or so with the lid slightly adjar.





Then eat them.


PRO-TIP: When forming meatballs, run your hands under the water faucet every now and then. Keeping them slightly wet, not dripping, keeps things from sticking to your hands.
BLONDE-TIP: Instead of bread crumbs, place some tortilla chips in a food processor or blender. Start with tortilla chips that have no flour. You might have to read the bag. But your in fucking Arizona so get some good mexican kind.

[f3lix]

Is there anything AP is not good at doing?

[Ugly Bastard]

And can the rest of us expect to be this good at doing things when we reach AP's age or were you always a little better than everyone?

[angry pancake]

Originally Posted by f3lix

Is there anything AP is not good at doing?

singing
dancing
poker
Fifa video games
any math above college level algebra
typing
drawing/sketching/painting/cutting straight lines with scissors and most other kindergarten skills
most automotive stuff

Yeah there's a lot stuff I'm not very good at doing.

Originally Posted by Ugly Bastard

And can the rest of us expect to be this good at doing things when we reach AP's age or were you always a little better than everyone?

Probably not to both. AP couldn't catch a football until 4th grade, but practiced doing it a lot until AP was at least as good as everyone else. Same with guitar playing, AP had to practice way more than than the others who had natural ability. F3lix has probably forgotten more about music than I will ever know. Most skills, like cooking, can be learned even if there is no natural ability.

The only gifts AP has are: a good memory, tremendous humility, and a big cock.

[Ugly Bastard]

I'll teach you how to play poker if you teach me how to grow .

[angry pancake]

Originally Posted by Ugly Bastard

I'll teach you how to play poker if you teach me how to grow .

AP can't ever get the tomatoes to grow. Why the canned were used. Basil and chile peppers are no problem though.

[Ironic Mustache]

That just raised the shit out of the bar.

[THEINCREDIBLEdork]

That looks so good.

[thekremlin]

That insanity sauce is unreasonable. It's identical to endorphin rush, except less tasty. -1 for that. +1+1+1 for the rest of this post which is going to feed me this weekend.

[THEINCREDIBLEdork]

Originally Posted by angry pancake

singing
dancing
poker
Fifa video games
any math above college level algebra
typing
drawing/sketching/painting/cutting straight lines with scissors and most other kindergarten skills
most automotive stuff

Yeah there's a lot stuff I'm not very good at doing.

I noticed fellatio isn't on this list... kind of a conspicuous thing to leave out.

[angry pancake]

Originally Posted by Mr. Mistoffelees

I noticed fellatio isn't on this list... kind of a conspicuous thing to leave out.

Similar to performing brain surgery, AP has not tried fellatio and does not know for sure. However, we all should just presume that AP would be exceptional at performing fellatio. AP has had to give fellatio instructions many, many times.

Originally Posted by thekremlin

That insanity sauce is unreasonable. It's identical to endorphin rush, except less tasty. -1 for that.

Insanity sauce is stupid hot. But it has a good bit of flavor. Measure this shit carefully.

[angry pancake]

This one is pretty easy and not as complicated as it looks. It's using up the left over sauce from the meatballs.

First make the pasta. It's really easy to make pasta. It's about 1/2 cup of flour per egg. Sometimes more, sometimes less. Depends on how big the eggs are, how dry the flour is. etc. You can use a processor, as I did here, but it really makes no difference. I'd suggest skipping the processor because you still have to finish the product by hand.



If using a processor it should be sticky and look something like this.



You still have to add flour to the big glop of dough it'll it becomes smooth. You knead it in a little at a time adding whenever it becomes sticky again.



Divide it up into manageable pieces and let rest for half hour or so. cover in plastic so it doesn't dry out and get crusty.


I use a fucking machine to roll the dough out and use the instructions on that. Same with the cutter. I'd seriously not even bother with doing this if I didn't have the roller and cutters. In fact you can just buy fresh pasta.
Let the rolled pasta sheets dry a little about 10 minutes. Easier to cut this way. If it's still too wet, the pieces will stick together and that would suck.







Peel and clean shrimp. Dredge them with flour, but shake of the excess. Next dip them in a mixture of 1 egg with a little coconut milk (use regular milk if you want, or water if you must). Using a few at a time coat shrimps in Panko Japanese style bread crumbs --don't substitute here. The panko makes the dish.



Front L-R flour station, egg station, panko station.
Back left pot of boiling water to cook pasta when time comes. Electric fryer with thermometer in it. Thermometer is crucial. Do not even think for a second that the temp control on the appliance is accurate it's fucking not even close. You could just pan fry these in a deep skillet if you want. Or better still, buy breaded shrimp.



Fry them a few at a time, just briefly. Do not over cook these. They still have to go in the oven.



put leftover sauce in baking dish, add shrimp in a layer, cover with more left over sauce.



Use a good quality cheese. This is fresh mozzarella that is locally made here. Slice a little or crumble it or whatever on top.




Bake the shrimps for about 15 or 20 minutes at 350. Really until the cheese is melty and it looks done.

After the shrimps are cooked, boil the pasta. Fresh pasta cooks way the fuck faster than dried. The fresher the pasta, the faster it cooks. It took about 90 seconds to cook.



Plate it up an eat the hell out of this.




TIPS: making fresh pasta makes a damn mess. Get used to that idea. The product here is pretty goddamned awesome, but it can be thrown together with premade ingredients. You can buy pasta already made. You can buy already breaded shrimp. You can buy canned spaghetti sauce. You can use kraft singles too. Doing it AP's way takes it to a completely different level. Truth of the matter, I think the first time I ever had this was at a cheap ass crappy lunch place.

Meanwhile. Mrs. Pancake is gone for a while so AP will be cooking. There will be more activity early, then it will die down after June 14 when Mrs. Pancake returns. Oddly enough, Mrs. Pancake hate this stuff. Won't touch anything with onions anywhere near it. Doesn't like ground beef at all. etc.

[Ironic Mustache]

I was just impressed that you made your own ricotta.

[Ugly Bastard]

Do you have a spare bedroom?

[angry pancake]

Originally Posted by Ugly Bastard

Do you have a spare bedroom?

Nah. But Ugly Bastard is early invited to the 4th Not Annual Orphan's Feast that AP plans on having this year. I keep this to usually about 8 people. It's the evening of December 24 on the years I don't go to Las Vegas over the holidays. I usually pull out all of the stops for these things. It's kinda cool. I break out the good wines too. All in the name of mocking some southern Italian Catholics and their La Vigil (feast of the seven fishes). The first year was seven beef courses. Last year was French, but no fish. I think year two was Italian, but no fish just the same. This year will probably actual be a version of La Vigil. UB should attend.

[Ugly Bastard]

Maybe when all of my family is dead.

[angry pancake]

As it warms up AP will probably start going lighter in fare. As previously kinda mentioned, this thread will die down considerably after Mrs. Pancake returns from her hiatus.

[angry pancake]

AP's Salmon Salad.
Easy to make if you have knife skills.
This is get good ingredients and get the fuck out of the way.

Start with fucking top quality salmon --I actually like it better with Tuna but they were out. This is sushi grade and we ain't going to cook it.



It's best to cut the salmon while it's still partially frozen. The cuts will be cleaner. And you will need some knife skills to do this. Cut the salmon in julien matchsticks. It's smaller than the pictures show. If it thaws too much while handling it, place it in the freezer for a few minutes.



Use top quality tomatoes, I'm using San Marzano imported plum. The come mostly peeled. But you need to peel the parts the factor missed, slice in half and remove the seeds and core, then cut into strips and dice much the same way with the salmon. It makes a fucking mess. PRO TIP: after seeding the tomatoes, dry them on a towel.




These are roasted and marinated red peppers. I bought them roasted and marinated so sue me. Do to them what was done to the tomatoes.



And some onion. I used a Vidallia onion. PRO TIP. After dicing the onion, soak in water for about 10 minutes, then strain well until dry. soaking removes the harshness from the onion. It's really fucking noticeable if you skip this step. Here's all the stuff in a bowl with a little kosher salt added.



Dress it with a little bit of lemon oil. Make your own if you have to. Store bought is fine if it's good.



To make the serving cups is easy. Take some good cheese, shred it into about 2 -2 1/2 inch diagonals on a silicon lined baking half sheet. I'm using a knock off the silpat here, but parchment paper works fine. put in oven for about 10 minutes at 350.

Use good cheese. If you use a kraft shaker can you deserve what you get.



the cheese on the silpat



Let rest for about 30 fucking seconds after coming out of the oven. Any less and they can't be handled. Any longer they start to become stiff and can't be shaped.



Place the cheese circles over a jigger and let harden and crisp. Takes about two minutes.






Meanwhile make a sauce. I'm using strained greek yogurt, shallot, italian parsley

Shallots. dice that bitch into a fine mince and good knife.



Italian flat lead parsley in case you have no fucking clue what that looks like.



Sauce mixture with a little salt and white pepper.



Final assembly


Drink with a French Pinot Noir. This bad ass cost under $20 and kicks the shit out of any Napa/Sonoma Cabernet Sauvignon as a pairing.



The bitches love this and all that is required is marginal knife skills. Resist the urge to use a food processor or some Billy Mays type of chopper. It's the clean cuts without any pulverization that make this work. Go slowly if your knifing skills are more adapt for homicide or bear hunting than onion dicing. If the bitch in question has a problem with sushi and raw fish, marinate the fish in a little lime or lemon juice and ceviche it. But the textures and contrasts is what this is all about. And not fucking up good ingredients.

Edit: completely forgot. I added a little bit of fresh green chile to the salmon mixture at the last second. Maybe half a teaspoon. It was a not hot anaheim type of chile. Shape the cheese crisps however you want. Leave them flat like a tostada if you want. Roll it like a cone like the French Laundry does . . . .and from where I ripped this off.

[Ugly Bastard]

You must spread some Reputation around before giving it to angry pancake again.

[thekremlin]

I'll never eat at AP's house, because if a guy cooks a meal for you like AP seems capable of, you kind of have to go down on him, and I don't really want to go down on AP.

[angry pancake]

Originally Posted by thekremlin

I'll never eat at AP's house, because if a guy cooks a meal for you like AP seems capable of, you kind of have to go down on him, and I don't really want to go down on AP.

It's okay. I'm all smooth down there.

[THEINCREDIBLEdork]

Dat meal tho...

[angry pancake]

All right. Almost anybody can make a meal if they start with great ingredients and just don't fuck those up. Example is your prime beef at the fancy schmancy steak house. --Which AP sure adores. Take an excellent product don't overcook it, and it's awesome. Pretty fucking simple and the results are consistent. So in this installment AP will take two complete humble main ingredients and turn those into something. I'm using beef cheeks and cornmeal to make . . . .well, beef cheeks and cornmeal mush. it's much better than it sounds and it's a show stopper.

Beef cheeks aren't a common food ingredient and not typically found. I stumbled upon some at the mexican market yesterday. Unlike sweetbreads, beef cheeks are what they sound like they are. They are the cheeks of the cow. And they are difficult to work with. To use an analogy, they are to cows, like the wings and feet are to the chicken. These are a fucking delicacy that typically just get thrown out. Like chicken wings were in the 1970s and 1980s.

These are still relatively cheap. But then chicken wings were once free.



Start by getting out a heavy duty dutch oven and sautee a mire-poix (2 part onion, 1 part celery, 1 part carrot). Don't worry too much about the size of the dice or chop or if there are leaves on the celery.



Just sweat the mire-poix for about 5 minutes over medium high heat. Then remove them.

Clean the beef cheeks of any excess fat, remove any excess silver skin as if you were prepping flank steak, london broil or brisket. These really didn't require much work. Don't get too carried away trying to make it perfect. Just remove giant piece of the silver skin. Dredge in a little flour. Shake off excess and brown over medium high heat for about a minute per side. Work in batches if necessary.



Add the veggies back into the pot.



Add: some garlic, bay leaves, thyme, tomatoes. Pour about a cup of wine into the pot to as the braising liquid. This happens to be a pretty damn good Russian River Valley Pinot Noir that my bud Adam Lee makes.




Cover. Put into the oven at 225F for 6 hours. Don't fuck with it until the then. Remove from oven and sit aside. A soon as as you set it aside. Time to make the polenta.

Saute some onion and garlic in a separate small pot.



Add some milk and bring to slight simmer for about 5 minutes. Meanwhile, chop up some cheese that melts well. I happened to have swiss so that got used.




Add two or three drops of hot sauce to the milk.



Strain the milk and discard the onion and garlic. Get used to the idea of straining in this one.



Return the milk to the pan and bring the heat up to medium/high. Slowly, very slowly, a little bit at a time, whisk in the cornmeal. Let it come to a small boil while adding the cornmeal. But as soon as it does, drop the heat down to medium. It will rapidly thicken and don't run the risk of scorching it. I had this Texas course stuff. Probably not the idea stuff to use, but in a pinch it's what was on hand.



Whisking



When it thickens, stir constantly with a wooden spoon and add the cheese a few cubes at a time. Let those melt before adding more. Season with salt and pepper. Sit aside.



Meanwhile, using tongs, remove the beef checks from the dutch oven knocking off all of the carrot, onion, bay leaves, etc. Also, save the tomatoes. I put it onto a warm cast iron pan and stashed it into a 200 degree oven to keep warm.



Strain the braising liquid of all the chuncks.



Add tomatoes to the strained liquid and blend in a processor, blender, or in this case --an immersion stick blender.



Then boil the liquid with tomatoes over high heat until it reduces by about half. It concentrates the flavor in a big way. See the foam that comes to the surface around the edges. Skim that shit off with a spoon.


Meanwhile, shred the beef cheeks with a couple of forks. It should be fall apart tender and really just come to threads very easy.



On a warm platter. Pour the Polenta into the center. I'm going rustic, family style. But you could put the polenta into a custard cup, brown some bread crumbs on top, etc. I'm not doing that.


Spread the shredded beef around the polenta. Or don't.



Pour the gravy over the top with a little fresh Italian parsley. Or you could pour the gravy/sauce on the plate and place the beef on top of it and sprinkle garnish in a decorative manner. I guess I'm saying you could go fancy on the presentation if you want.



The beef cheeks have a very intense beef flavor. The braising melts the tough stuff and makes it have that lip smacking gelatinous goodness. The beef cheeks also have a good deal of fat smattered throughout. Probably the closest cut to beef cheeks would be beef ribs. But the beefy flavor of the cheeks is easily a notch above the ribs. Just the same, cheeks aren't easy to find in the states. I hardly ever see them in the store. These are usually served up in upscale fancy-assed restaurants and given some sort of Italian/Spanish/French name with an high mark up. However, in Italy, France, or Spain, it's not uncommon to find beef cheeks (or veal cheeks) on a bistro menu. The first time I ever had these was in Rome, served over polenta, but with a lighter beef broth jus.

[f3lix]

You ever thought about bring a chef?