Small Confession of the Day

[Orgazmo]

. . . women find me attractive . . .

[SittinOnDubsWGW]

out of the blue, started chatting with one of my ex's friends on facebook chat for a while tonight. After some small talk she mentions, "i had the biggest crush on you back in college." She happens to live in Chicago. It just so happens that I'll be there next weekend for a 4 day weekend w/ my pops.

I'm really hoping I can smash this chick. Only for the sole reason of fucking one of my Ex's friends.

[Ugly Bastard]

Funny how big the difference between the kosherness of fucking one of your ex's friend's and friend's ex's is.

[DDTempest]

Originally Posted by Ugly Bastard

Funny how big the difference between the kosherness of fucking one of your ex's friend's and friend's ex's is.

Or one of your ex's ex's.

[Ugly Bastard]

My latest guilty pleasure:

YouTube

YouTube

[DDTempest]

Originally Posted by Ugly Bastard

My latest guilty pleasure:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4OKlzm6BQ8A

You should feel guilty, I feel guilty being vaguely acquainted with a guy that listens to it.

[ProfessorNumber]

Originally Posted by Ugly Bastard

Was it like an actual turd or just a wet fart?

SCotD: Once in sixth grade at the beginning of the school day, I shit my pants and excused myself to go to the bathroom to clean myself up. When I got to the bathroom, I was horrified to see that it wasn't actual "shit" in my pants, but instead just a brown messy liquid. I dried this as best I could with toilet paper. When I got home, I hid that pair of underwear in my closet for fear that my mother would discover it in the laundry and question why I had shit my pants. I hid that underwear for years including through a change of address before finally taking it to a dumpster a mile away from my house on an afternoon where my parents were gone.

This is one of the few things I've read on the internet that actually made me laugh out loud in real life.

On that note, I once did something similar to Orgazmo, in that I sharted while taking a piss in some bushes. It's funny how your first reaction is to completely freeze and stand there for about 5-10 seconds as though not moving will magically make it disappear. After reality set in, I tried to clean up with a handful of reed-like grass. Didn't work so well. At this point, I had no choice but to throw my boxers into the creek next to me and tell my friend that he needed to drive me home immediately. I proceeded to put my shirt on his seat, and semi-hovered over it for the entire 15 minute ride home. He, of course, found this incident hilarious. Fortunately, he's been a good enough friend to have kept it a secret (that I know of).

[Orgazmo]

My freshman year of college, I was in the "honors dorm" at BSU. The building was separated into two separate dorms...like, walk in the main doors, left = one dorm, right = the other. Left was all guys, right was all girls.

My girlfriend at the time was visiting and one of her good friends lived in the girl part. We were all over there eating Greek's pizza having a good time.

Now, because this was the girl's part of the dorm, there was obviously no guys bathroom. Compounding this, all of the girls bathrooms had key swipe things on them. You could not enter without swiping your ID that identified you as a resident of said dorm. A little excessive, but whatever.

In the midst of conversation with the group we're hanging out with, I realize I have a bit of a fart to let go. Not having a bearing on my smelliness yet (my first real fart of the evening), I decide to take a small walk by myself to gauge the intensity. I get mid-hallway and let if off...only to realize that it's not a fart at all. It's a definite shart.

Fuck.

A wet fart is nothing that I'm not accustomed to, though. I can live with that. What I can't live with is the giant bubbly feeling that immediately infiltrated my stomach thereafter. It sounded like a science experiment was going on in my lower abdomen. A science experiment where something had gone terribly wrong. What was once fun and games, shooting the shit with some friends and people I didn't really like quickly turned into me quickly walking toward the exit of this dorm so that I could sprint up the stairs on my own side to my 3rd floor paradise.

Sidenote to explain the floorplan: As mentioned, this is one building with 2 dorms. Separating the two dorms is a giant lobby area with a few big screen tv's. There is also a front desk with RA's. Normally, this area is dead. This is a Friday night, though. And it's an honors dorm. Instead of being out and about, the residents are crowding this area like bees to honey. It's a god damned metropolis. Terrific.

So here I am, doing a speed walk to the exit of the girls' dorm. Navigating this god damned maze of hallways to find the one exit like I'm a modern day Christopher Columbus. The plan is to speed walk through the lobby area, dodge people, get to the stairway...and bolt.

Before I even get out of the girls area, my bowels force my hand. It gets to a point where I have a decision: Sprint or stand completely still. If I sprint, I lose a bit of control but will get to the very public, probably crowded bathroom in the lobby area a bit more quickly. If I stand completely still, I'll be able to focus all of my concentration of clenching my asshole.

These are the situations that make boys into men. I've never really had a true life-or-death situation...but I can't imagine it being much more stressful.

I make a snap judgment and decide to freeze. And it didn't matter.

Despite my best efforts, shit starts to slowly ooze from my asshole. We're not talking about a complete outpouring here, but there definitely something bad going on back there.

When a man devotes 100% of his effort to something which should be completely manageable...and it still doesn't work out, the feeling is completely demoralizing. Being a bit more specific, when a man forces part of his body to do one thing and another happens, it's enough to crush him. In this particular instance, I'm standing in the middle of a god damned hallway, closing off a pipe as hard as I can close it...and yet there's still a leak. It felt like reverse rape. Like I was being penetrated from the inside out. Slowly, methodically, surely...the shit was winning. And it was gaining momentum. This kind of thing can sometimes make a man do irrational things. Things that he hides away in the closets of his mind for years.

So here I am, frozen in the middle of a dorm with no unlocked bathroom. Trying to hold on for dear life, praying to a god that I don't know exists, asking for help from any part of my mind that isn't already focused...and it's still not going well. I decide to go for plan B. I decide to sprint.

I bust through the exit door of the dorm, sprint around the lobby area, and quickly enter the "public" bathroom.

If you've never found yourself in a situation similar to what I've described above, it may be tough to know what happened during that sprint. If you have, though, I'm sure that you can empathize with my situation. I'm sure that you know exactly what was going on inside of my pants during that sprint. I'd imagine that you know exactly what was dripping down my thighs.

By the time I found my way into the stall in that bathroom, the situation was grim. Luckily, there was no one in there when I entered...but that somehow didn't make it much better. Luckily enough, my friend Joe Boxer had handled 95% of the damage...but, in taking the bullet, he was completely destroyed. A true lost cause. As I sat on the toilet, expelling any shit that was left in my colon, I worked on removing said boxers and using every bit of toilet paper beside me to clean my legs and to dry up the brown liquids from my jeans. During this process, at least one gentleman entered the bathroom. As soon as it happened, he said "Jesus" and immediately left. I guess it smelled bad or something.

Once I was finished, I quickly flushed, exited the stall, buried my boxers in the towel trashcan, and walked out of the bathroom. I made a point to not make eye contact with anyone as I quickly and quiety walked to my dorm area. For all I know, every god damned person in that lobby was staring at me. In my head they were, at least.

When I got back to my dorm room, I cleaned up a little more thoroughly, wrapped my jeans in a plastic bag, buried them away in the dorm main trash, and changed clothes. Not too long after, the girlfriend came looking for me wondering what happened. "I started feeling sick and thought I may puke" I said. That was enough to stop any questioning. I guess that's a good excuse to randomly leave a conversation amongst 5 or 6 people and go back to your dorm room without saying a word. Who knew?

It wasn't all a loss, though. I did learn a valuable life lesson that night. That being: If I feel like I might shit my pants...I probably will shit my pants. I always figured that adults didn't do that. Turns out they do.

Or...at least I do.

Now I know.

[DDTempest]

Originally Posted by Orgazmo

Now, because this was the girl's part of the dorm, there was obviously no guys bathroom. Compounding this, all of the girls bathrooms had key swipe things on them. You could not enter without swiping your ID that identified you as a resident of said dorm. A little excessive, but whatever.

Random fact:

During the 2001-02 there was a string of incidents across campus involving a random guy peeping on girls in various showers. HRL (Housing and Residence Life) received a number of complaints from students and parents regarding the issue so immediately installed the card swipes on all the women's restrooms. The incidents seemed to stop ... for a time. One sunny summer afternoon one of the various summer conferences or cheer camps or girl scout camps or whatever the fuck was happening and a man was caught attempting to peep on a 12 or 13 year old girl. The man worked for Ball State ... CODING THE GODDAMN CARD READERS.

[DDTempest]

scotd:

I am always surprised when an Asian says they believe in Jesus. I am not sure if its because my mind instinctually categorizes them as Buddhists or if I don't believe in Asians having souls.

[Fruitacious B]

'Gaz, I shed many laughter-induced tears while reading your post...thank you. Possibly one of the funniest things I've ever read...

SCotD 12|14|09

I really like it when two girls, who were lifelong best friends, go to the same college, and after one, maybe two semesters, they'd rather strangle each other with the strings from their tampons...

friendship: destroyed.
entertainment for yours truly: accomplished.

What's better? The fact that this is a regular occurrence.

[DDTempest]

SCoTD #1: I nearly lose it every time I see a black stock clerk stocking bananas at a grocery store.

SCoTD #2: I find Fiber One bars to be absolutely delicious but they give me bountiful flatulence, I consider this a plus.

[DDTempest]

Small confession of the day:

When I am in drug stores (every day I work) and I pass through the hair coloring aisle I always stop and look for the "least fuckable chick" in a particular line. Usually its the Asian.

[SittinOnDubsWGW]

I hate when guys try to be badass and have pictures of them all dressed in tactical gear and shit especially when its in positions like a customs officer at the fucking port of entry where they will never ever use it. But they post pictures of up on facebook and shit and have quotes like "just another day at work" This is incredibly common among my career field.

example:

[Mr. Blonde]

happens a LOT with military too

[ninjaface]

Dude, those people you know ain't shit.

http://photos-h.ak.fbcdn.net/hphotos...5_905707_n.jpg

This guy is tough as nails and harder than metal shit.

"Out here you actually make a difference. My boss the country lead sent an email on my behalf because people from the states who have never been in warzone were giving me shit about licensing issues. Quote:"I take your licenses and raise you coalition lives, end of line."

"Since I was on the subject of Tulsa, it also doesn't have people blowing each other up with IEDs. We have yet to get a tally of good and innocent people that were injured/killed."

HOLY SHIT WHAT A TOUGH ASS MOTHER FUCKER.
Honestly, though, this was the guy that had more porn on his computer than anyone I had ever met. I guess he kinda knew he was gonna get into some shit and was gonna need all the asian porn he could get.

[DDTempest]

I used to date a girl that was in the Navy. She was part of the construction battalion, better known as CB or "Sea Bees". She had massive scars on her ankles so I asked her what they were from. She told me that she was doing leg presses at a military gym some years back and the machine broke and snapped her legs.

She blamed Bill Clinton because he cut military funding during his administration, not the person overseeing the facilities, but Bill Clinton. This forever changed how I view others' perceptions of the the world.

[vaga1220 *]

I'd be pissed if Bill Clinton broke my legs.

[Mr. Blonde]

Bill Clinton is such a dick

[DJ FC]

No shit?

Let's kick his ass.

[DDTempest]

Sometimes if I make out with a chick off and on over the course of a couple of hours I get blue balls so horrendous that even after I jerk off I still have normal blue balls.

[SittinOnDubsWGW]

Originally Posted by DDTempest

Sometimes if I make out with a chick off and on over the course of a couple of hours I get blue balls so horrendous that even after I jerk off I still have normal blue balls.

Sucks to be you. That's horrible.

[Der Fuhrer]

I think about murder all the time. For example, while on a date I will picture the girl's brains being blown out of her head. Needless to say I don't get very many dates.

[Mr. Blonde]

Originally Posted by Der Fuhrer

I think about murder all the time. For example, while on a date I will picture the girl's brains being blown out of her head. Needless to say I don't get very many dates.

It's funny because you set yourself up for a joke!

[Der Fuhrer]

Who needs dates when there are live web cam girls willing to masturbate in front of me?