Letters of Complaint

[DDTempest]

back on track with a letter of complaint inspired by an actual work place injury. I did not actually get a paper cut whilst opening bandaids, but thought about how pissed I would be if it happened.

Dear sirs,
I am writing to inform you that I have just made a purchase that I am very excited about and am sure will pay off in the not too distant future.

Let me explain. I work in retail, I even sell your products. I was opening numerous boxes to begin the transition from Valentines Day to Easter in our seasonal aisle and I received a paper cut the likes of which has never been seen. A copious amount of blood spurted forth and I grabbed a box of Bandaid brands bandages off of the shelf to tend to my wound. Who can say no to an 80 ct assortment for $3.99?

I proceeded to the office cursing and moaning at the horrid pain to apply my relief. As I began to unwrap the bandage from its paper sheath I experienced a treachery the likes of which only Julius Caesar knows: another paper cut. "GOD DAMNIT!" I yelled as I now needed to apply two bandages with roughly 20% of my finger capacity bleeding.

I finished using applying the first bandage on my original paper cut and began to unwrap a second bandage for the paper cut I received opening the first bandage. Guess what happened? I shit you not: a third paper cut. Unfuckingbelievable. I managed to bandage up my secondary and tertiary wounds without further incident and took a moment to ponder what had just happened.

After considering what maniacal villains you guys must be I came to terms with what I must do: buy stock in Johnson & Johnson. Its clear you wicked wicked gentlemen are not taking this recession lying down and are coming up with real solutions to making profits, and for that I say: "Sign me up."

Sincerely,
Stan Goldwater

[SittinOnDubsWGW]

well done sir.

[DDTempest]

And the reply from Johnson and Johnson:

Dear Mr. Goldwater:

Thank you for contacting the Johnson & Johnson Consumer Information Center. Our company’s long-standing commitment to providing high quality products for all our consumers is the foundation of our business. Therefore, we are sorry to learn of your dissatisfaction with our BAND-AID® Brand Clear Comfort Flex™ Bandages.

Since your particular situation requires a more in-depth conversation than is possible through a letter or an e-mail, we would appreciate the opportunity to discuss this matter with you further. You can call us toll free at 1-888-638-5242 Monday through Friday, 8-5 EST. Please have the product you are calling us about available.

In addition, we recommend contacting your doctor if this situation is of a medical nature.

Your phone call will help us to quickly gather important information for our Quality Assurance department and to determine appropriate compensation for you. We may also arrange to have the product returned to us, at no expense to you, for some Quality Assurance testing.

The information you provide will enable us to continue to deliver the high quality products you should expect from Johnson & Johnson. We sincerely apologize for your experience and look forward to hearing from you soon. When you call, be sure to mention the reference number noted below.

Thank you again for contacting us about this important matter!

013181830A

I sent a response basically saying thanks for wasting my time, but if I wanted to talk to your $8.00 an hour "customer service agents" I would have.

[DDTempest]

After they sent another e-mail requesting me to call them, I ignored it completely I received this today:

Dear Mr. Goldwater:

Thank you for contacting the Johnson & Johnson Consumer Information Center. We were glad to receive your reply. While we would have appreciated the opportunity to speak with you in order to obtain further data for Quality Assurance purposes, we understand your position. Compensation has been sent to you and should arrive in about 2 weeks.

Please do feel free to contact us 1-888-638-5242 from 8-5 EST, Monday through Friday if we can be of further assistance or if you find that you are indeed able to call us about this issue.

We sincerely apologize for your experience. We value your business, and do hope to maintain your trust in Johnson & Johnson. Thank you again for contacting us about this important matter!

Compensation has been sent!

[f3lix]

50% off the purchase of your next product?

[DDTempest]

Originally Posted by f3lix

50% off the purchase of your next product?

As soon as I know, you'll know. I may even stuff it into a business reply by mail envelope to donate it to a poor mailroom worker.

[DDTempest]

I received a coupon for $5 off any Johnson & Johnson product!

[Dent]

http://www.rollzero.com/chads-letters

[THEINCREDIBLEdork]

hey dent thanks for posting that worthless garbage I really appreciate it.

[DDTempest]

Had lunch at Houlihan's the other day after seeing a movie. This location has a near-impossible record of giving absolute shit service to us, almost to a comic level. The food had always been fucking delicious so we still go there often enough, but I decided to peck out a letter of complaint on the receipt survey. I didn't save it because I wasn't even thinking about it at the time. Basically I said that we've received consistently terrible service at every visit to this location and that the level of caring is evident when the waitress doesn't even look at the credit card's name to hand it back to the customers (girlfriend's name is Alyshia, and they gave her card back to me).

His response:

Hi DDTempest;
My name is Rich Levenhagen & I am the General Manager of Houlihan's in the Hamilton Town Center. I wanted to apologize for your visit to our location yesterday, it certainly did not sound like a good one. I understand that when you are out for an enjoyable meal that the last thing you should have to be concerned about is the level of service you are receiving. In our industry it is our job to ensure that our guests are being taken care in all aspects of the dining experience & if any part fails, it is unacceptable. I also understand that you have many options when it comes to eating out & I truly appreciate you choosing us yesterday & in the past. I would very much like the opportunity to make yesterday up to you & your girlfriend by being our guest for a complimentary dinner or lunch for two, good at any time of your choosing. Simply print this email out, bring it in & we will take care of the rest, or you can call me & I will set it up for you. Please do hesitate to call or contact me to discuss the matter further or if I may be of any service to you. Thank you very much for your time & we look forward to making this up to you.

Sincerely;
Rich Levenhagen
General Manager, Houlihans, Noblesville

While a free meal is fucking sweet, how much of a jackwad would I feel like if the next time I walked in I handed my waitress an email complaint apology and said "hey this meal is free btw" so I replied back, mostly out of curiosity to see where it goes.

Hi Rich,
I appreciate the offer for a free meal, but that is really not my desire and honestly will not change the frequency of our visits. While a free meal might seem enticing to some, the bottom line is that we want to be able to come in anonymously and still receive decent service - not receive good service because we were the people that complained before. If you want to make it up to us, figure out why we have never had an attentive or pleasant server at your location and make steps to correct it. We will continue to be patrons at your establishment in the future and look forward to the prospect of one day adequate service.

thanks,
DDTempest

[Mr. Blonde]

Very well done, classy too (although I'm sure the manager got a bit huffy about that last part). Would read again. No, no I wouldn't. But I would read something like this again.

[Saint DH]

God, can you imagine what DDT will be like when he's a grumpy old man?

[Mr. Blonde]

What's wrong with what he wrote? Shitty service is shitty service.

[Saint DH]

That's true, but I've never once written a letter of complaint to some business. DDT seems to have made small hobby of it. Don't get me wrong, I think it's hilarious, and I like reading about it and everything. I just imagine him sitting there as a 70 year old man writing like 5 complaint letters a day and getting tons of free shit as a result.

[Ugly Bastard]

Surprised to see DDT pass up a free meal.

[DJ FC]

The thing about complaint letters is that the people who take the time to write them are probably not a good representation of the customer base as a whole. DD, for example, receives shitty service over and over again and writes letters while continuing to eat at the offending place. I, on the other hand, wouldn't even bother. I'd just go to a different restaurant next time.

[thekremlin]

One time I went to a diner and ordered a chocolate shake. The waitress, a 300 pound black woman, grabbed my head, shoved it between her tits, and gave me a forcible motorboat. Biggest tip I've ever given.

EDIT: It was still only a 7% tip. L'chaim!

[Mr. Blonde]

Originally Posted by DJ FC

DD, for example, receives shitty service over and over again and writes letters while continuing to eat at the offending place. I, on the other hand, wouldn't even bother. I'd just go to a different restaurant next time.

Change is scary. What if the food is different? What if it's a few more miles away?

[DDTempest]

Originally Posted by Dirty Harry

DDT seems to have made small hobby of it.

Did you happen to look at what YEAR I sent the last letter? Just scroll up and check.

Originally Posted by DJFC

The thing about complaint letters is that the people who take the time to write them are probably not a good representation of the customer base as a whole. DD, for example, receives shitty service over and over again and writes letters while continuing to eat at the offending place. I, on the other hand, wouldn't even bother. I'd just go to a different restaurant next time.

Letters of complaint are generally taken serious by most businesses because its a hassle to write one. Someone has to CARE ENOUGH about the business to make that effort, so they are already an invested customer. Like you, most people do just choose not to come back after shitty service. The bottom line is, Houlihan's has fucking spectacular chicken parm, which happens to be my favorite, and is ideally located in the shopping center where the "good" theater is ... so I could "just go somewhere else" but I really just want to eat my chicken parm without some fucking cunt being a bitch while bringing it to me.

[THEINCREDIBLEdork]

Steak N Shake is the same way. In high school and college we used to go there all the time. They always fuck something up. It's part of the experience.

[Mr. Blonde]

I broke a toilet at Steak and Shake once.

[j money]

I broke an elbow at steak n shake once

[Mr. Blonde]

Same night?

[Beebs]

Originally Posted by j money

I broke an elbow at steak n shake once

Oh dear lord, that was magical.

"I'll give you $20 to not call the cops"

"It's gonna cost a lot more than that"

"Well fuck you, I don't even have that much" - takes off running.

[Orgazmo]

Details please?