Love your mom

[Repugnant Abomination]

Last thursday, after suffering from irregular bleeding and abdominal pains (she is going through menopaus and doesn't have periods anymore) my mom went to go get a papsmear test. The test revealed that my mom had cervical cancer. According to the doctor it didn't look good at all.

The news hit me hard. I remember my mom calling me and telling me she had cancer and I felt this surge go through me. It was sureal. I spent most of that night laying in bed praying she would be ok.

The next day news got worse. The doctor began throwing words out like chemotherapy, radiation, surgery, etc. My mom, being a very sweet and sometimes naive woman was optomistic about her chances. She never quite grasped how serious things were. Talking alone with my step dad he broke down and told me it sounded, according to the doctor, that the cancer had spread to the point of it being incurable. I kept my composure, nodded, and suggested things we could do. I barely made it to my room before I broke down sobbing.

I never thought anything like this would ever happen in my family. This is something we all figure happens to somebody else..But we're all somebody else to somebody else. I felt numb all over. I gained a clarity that I never had before. Everything in life we complain about be it a bad meal, a high bill, whatever, it meaningless. People get so worked up over little things...I realized how much I took my mom for granted. That even though she gets on my nerves I would do anything for her.

A few nights ago I was sitting with her and she told me not to worry, that if she died my step dad wouldn't kick me out of the house or anything. Here she was, potentially dying, and she was thinking about me. That's what makes her special. It's what makes her mom. I felt ashamed that she would even think that I was worrying about my situation. I can tell you all that I was only thinking about her. My every thought was about how I could help and what I could do to save her. I'd have given her a lung or a kidney if she needed it. I would have given her my heart.

I didn't get any sleep the last week. Night time is the worst. I couldn't do anything but lay there and think about how much I was going to miss my mom. There wasn't a night I didn't cry. Most of my time, even at work, was spent researching cervical cancer. Every night I would come home and head straight to her room to make sure she had been doing everything possible all day to heal herself. Everytime I looked at her it broke my heart.

I've never prayed so much in my life.

The other day she went to get a biopsy. That's where they cut a piece of the "growth" out to study it. It tells you what stage of cancer it is, how much it has spread, etc. From what the doctor had been saying I was expecting the worst. I couldn't stop thinking about my little brother and sister and how they were being robbed of their mom prematurely. Or how my step dad would be absolutely crushed.

We were scheduled to get the results of the biopsy today. My phone rang at work around noon and it was my mom. She told me over the line that the test came back. The growth is pre-cancerous. Non invasive. It hasn't spread. She's going to be fine.

I've never felt relief like that before. I took my lunch break and headed home and just started to cry for no particular reason on my way there. When I got home I gave my mom a hug and told her I love her. Something I don't do enough.

I still can't believe it. The chances of this...Of what happened with her being ok were so small. The doctor said he was stunned. I've learned more this last week and grown as a person more then I have the last 22 years.

Mom is sacred. It's the most important title in the world. You really realize that when you suddenly might lose her. One thing I'll never do again is judge people...I had this guy come into the store today, screaming at me about his cell phone bill. He treated me like dirt, he insulted me and he left pissed off, all because his bill was 10 bucks over what he wanted it to be. And it just shows that you never know what somebody else is going through. He had no idea. And we don't, really, ever. I've never felt so much sympathy for others and I've never felt so understanding towards others then I do now.

I guess if there's anything I want to say with this post it's just to really love the people you care about because someday they're not going to be there anymore. I learned that I'm not ready for it now.

I don't think I'll ever be ready for it.

[ November 01, 2005, 09:50 PM: Message edited by: Repugnant Abomination ]

[Lucy Fur]

love you, repug.... and i am glad your mom is going to be okay

Thanks for the post, repug.

[angry pancake]

Glad it's going to be O.K. Bert.

[Ironic Mustache]

Damn dude, I'm happy for you man.

[theMerciless1]

good for her (being ok).
modern medicine is amazing.
almost 4 years ago my father my father was diagnosed with level IV Glyoblastoma, the fastest growing, most cancerous and fatal brain tumor currently known. the operation that removed his left occipital lobe was a 50/50 gamble.
he lost half his vision and now has the comprehension of an 80 year old.
in february, he will be 3 years past the longest living patient that NYU medical has ever treated thankfully in part to radiation, 3.5 years of chemo and to the Lance Armstrong Foundation and Bristol Myers Squibb who selected him for 3 experimental drug trials that seemed to help.

The treatments, although not yet FDA approved would cost about 10k each. my family is lucky enough to be able to afford the treatments and surgeries (which cost about 100k each). The sad thing is, anyone that could not afford the nearly several hundred thousand dollars that we have spent (with great insurance coverage) would surely be dead.

interesting.

[THEINCREDIBLEdork]

tell your mom i said hi and i'm glad her cancer is gone

[Repugnant Abomination]

So more tests have been done and it's totally different now. I don't know how they fucked up so badly but this is even worse then anyone thought.

They performed surgery on my mom this last thursday and the results are very bad. They didn't even need to study the piece they took out of her to know the cancer has spread. Apparently her cervix is completely gone...It just ate through it completely. They know for a fact its spread to her bladder and in this coming week we'll know just how much more....I guess she's been bleeding a lot and is in a lot of pain so they've given her pain killers...It's so fucked up. It really, really doesn't sound good. Tonight my step dad broke down crying and told us (the kids) to spend a lot of time with her and try to make her smile cause she might not be here much longer. it's that bad. I don't think I can handle this. My mom is so sweet and naive she still doesn't really get it yet...I went into her room tonight and knelt beside her bed and talked for a while but eventually I just broke down..She was petting my head and telling me not to cry, which of course made me cry even more. I'm having a tough time even typing this out right now but I have to get it out somehow. I can't talk about it cause my voice just gets choked up. A specialist is coming down from POrtland this friday so there is still some hope but it just doesnt sound good. I dont know what to do i dont know what to do. Has anyone here lost someone really close? not a friend but a parent or sibling? how did you get through it? I mean she's still here but this overwhelming feeling of dread is just sucking everything out of me..Im not eating and i dont care about anything. I dont think I want or can keep going to work like this its like im going from being in my bed warm under 2 blankets to being thrown into a blizzard with no clothes thats how i feel. and i feel so guilty cause im going on and on about how i feel and shes so scared and i cant do anything. i have a younger brother and sister and i cant even..and my step dad has nobody else i mean she keeps everything together its like..nothing will work anymore. i think sometimes there are just things so devestating that you cant recover from. I know lots of people lose their mom everyday but now that im there i dont see how..i just dont.

[Repugnant Abomination]

sorry guys i know this is way to heavy to post about so if this makes you uncomfortable i apologize and dont feel the need to respond at all i just need to write and get these thoughts out.

I understand there is probably nothing I can say to help, but I'll naturally try to help anyways.

Thanks for the post, please keep us informed. If there is anything I can do, let me know.

[MAGICLIT]

Repugnant-

For the first time, something you posted made me cry like a baby. I don't know how i missed this thread, but i did. I'm sorry to hear how hard it was for you and your family, truly.

My mother went through the same experience as your mother, except she did not tell me at all. After the test came back saying that her cyst was pre-cancerous, and there was no sign of the cancer, my step-father told me. I've never been so helpless in my entire life. I was 16 a time in an adolescents life where you could care less what was going on in your parents lives, I just got my truck, was never home, and when i was home i went to my room and shut the door.

I lost my "connection" with my mom at by the time I hit high school, but when i heard i almost could have lost her, and potentially would have been left out of the loop until they knew for sure there was nothing possible to do to save her,I was stunned, I literally remember not be able to breathe, seriously almost blacking out when i heard.

After crying, i went home and tried my best to calmly tell my mom that not knowing something was wrong made me feel like a spoiled brat. (at the time there was a lot going on in my life, she did what she did to spare me the stress)

It made me realize, as you Repug, that your mother, is the most sacred relationship you will ever have with another human being. Forget your "soulmate" or the only person in the world you tell your secrets to (best friend). To sit and think that the person who bore you into this world will not be there forever, was the most terrifying thought of my life. after all is said and done, I thank God for giving me the experience to realize my mothers worth before it was to late.

she lives 2 1/2 hours away in Utah, but we talk and e-mail all the time. She is the ONLY person in the world that can tell something is wrong no matter how many "I'm fine mom"'s i give her. I will never be ready to say goodbye to my mother. When i imagine her gone I can't imagine my life.

I'm sorry Repug, like you said in the first post w/ the customer who was screaming at you. People don't realize what others are going through, I mess around with you alot, and if there was a time i did and you were upset over this and i made it worse, all i can say is from the bottom of my heart I am sorry I was not aware.

this will sound cheesy but I love your quirkiness, and for something in your life to drastically change the demeanor i love makes me wish i had the power to change it back to good. I don't personally know you, doubt we'll ever meet in person, but you are someone i will never forget. God bless you and your family. God bless all the sexbears. XO

[ December 10, 2005, 04:29 AM: Message edited by: MAGICLIT ]

[Ironic Mustache]

Almost everything repug posts makes me cry like a baby.

[ur my bitch]

Don't know what it is like having someone this close being seriously ill. But, I do know what it is like from a parents perspective. As a father, I know all I want is for my kids to grow up happy, healthy, safe and succesful. My biggest fear is not being around as they grow up, should something ever happen to me.

Right now, although you feel like you are as helpless as ever, you need to do what your step dad said. Make your mom happy, be there for her, talk to her, tell her and show her how much you love her....and also let her know she did a great job as a mom and that she raised 3 great chiuldren that will be ok no matter what. Let her focus be on fighting this cancer and not on worrying about her children.

Also, your mom would want you to go about your daily activites and she would want you to do things that make you laugh and keep the stress off. I know I would want that for my kids. Of course I would love every minute they spend with me, but I would be sad if my illness turned their life upside down. Again, nothing makes me happier than when my daughters are happy. So, I would definitely want them to be out being kids, doing their thing and keeping their mind of oof me as much as possible so they could de-stress.

Be there for her, be there for your step dad and siblings, pray and make sure you consult every doctor available. Also, make sure your mom is going to fight hard and allow yourself some time to yourself to just decompress.

[theMerciless1]

i cant begin to explain how important it is to...
1. maintain as positive an attitude as humanly possible
and
2. be strong in the face of adversity

both of these things are highly "contagious"

You have the oppurtunity right now to make a dramatic impact on the lives of your family members. set an example for your younger siblings, they will thank you for it later in life

[Lucy Fur]

brian, i am very very sorry to hear about all of this. if there is anything i can do, just let me know.

[Carnivorous Flavor]

i lost my older brother 4 years ago. he O.D.'ed, his local police tried to say it was suicide, there was confusion with a "note" he was writing on his computer at the time, but we know it was an accidental OD...none of that matters.

you have the chance i didnt. the chance to say goodbye. to say you love her.

use it. and listen to merciless...he's right...you are the big bro, i know you are hurting,,bad....but try and step up and be strong.

trying to be strong may help you with coping...or it may mask it and you will breakdown later..either way you are dealing with it.

call me if you need anything, you've got my cell right?

[Ironic Mustache]

Originally posted by Ironic Mustache:
Almost everything repug posts makes me cry like a baby.

Wow that was tacky even by my standards... Sorry dude, I hadn't read the updated when I posted this.

[Ugly Bastard]

I don't feel comfortable giving you any advice. I have no idea what you're going through. I'll keep you in my thoughts.

-UB

[Repugnant Abomination]

My mom is getting worse and worse so everything is being sped up. As of next week the entire family is flying to Germany because there's some kind of special cancer hospital there my mom will be staying at. This just keeps getting more and more fucked up...I've never been to Germany before and I have no idea what to expect. I don't know if I'm going there to watch her die or gain new hope..I just don't know. I have NO idea how long I'll be there for, 2 months, possibly more...I just quit my job today. At this point it's just like...fuck. We're going to be staying in the hospital with her I guess, in like a room for relatives. It's going to be the siblings and possibly my step dad and myself all sleeping in one room..As of right now I don't know where in Germany this place is or even what its name is as I just found out 2 hours ago that we're going. I'm losing control of everything it feels like, things are just happening now and I have to go with it. I'm not sure if I'll have access to the internet or not over there os if nobody hears from me you know why.

[ur my bitch]

wow, that is tough Brian. Have you asked to speak with the doc to get the lowdown straight from him?

Is this German facility better than the Mayo Clinic and others here in the US? Or do they specialize in what your mom has?

I will say some prayers for you and your mom and hope it will all be better.

[THEINCREDIBLEdork]

Damn. Good luck d00d. Thats about all I can tell you.

[bloodyfart]

theres not an obstacle that you are not strong enough to face.
and thats all i have to say about that.

[bloodyfart]

after reviewing, i thought i would say a few more things. first, i know you want to hear about peoples stories of mourning and loss and indulge in the pain, but that does nothing. i can sit and tell you about how my dad was given a couple of years to live and the grief that i went through, etc....i could get very detailed about it, but what would that really do? anyone elses description of the intricacies of their misery does not change any part of what is happening. just know, theres not a person on this earth who has not or will not lose someone they love.

look, you are going to be in pain. you are going to be in more pain than you have ever been in life. nothing i can tell you will make that reality any different. this is the reality. you are going to suffer.

what i will say, though, is that you will make it out of this. people lose parents, people lose children, people lose spouses. for each and every one of them, it feels like the end of the world. for each and every person on this earth this will happen. i know that this sounds morbid and cold, but there is a beauty in it if you look at it in the right way. if everyone has lost someone or just about everybody, but the streets are not full of mourners, then something wonderous is happening. people aer moving on in love. this is the gorgeous nature of the indomitable human spirit.

you will go through grief, but like everything in life, you will make it through this. you will find happiness again, and you will find love again. it wont be the same, but it will be there.

in knowing this (that you will make it through this as everyone else does and will), you should shift from the bereavement you have now to enjoyment, enjoyment of every last minute you have with her. the tears will come and have their place later. now, though, it is time for the love. give her all the love you have to make her time in this life wonderful. show her what a special human you are and will be if she is not here in the future.

i know i make this sound like it is easy, but its not. it is the hardest thing that you will do in your life: trying to smile when all you want to do is cry. but, again, you have all the time in the world to cry, but a limited time for her to see the beauty and strength of your spirit. one of the greatest gifts you can give her is that. let her see the beautiful man that you are by showing her the strength of mind and giving of heart by giving all of your heart today.

best of luck. i wish you only the best.

[ December 12, 2005, 06:39 PM: Message edited by: bloodyfart ]

[ur my bitch]

Brently summed it all up right there. great post and very true.

[Deadly Crescent Kick]

i'm so sorry.

i can't believe i caught this thread so late.

all i can say is this:

your mother loves you more than anything in the world.

she wants you to live, succeed, and be happy.

cherish the time you have with her. most people don't have a chance to say goodbye.

but that doesn't mean you should give up hope. people have pulled through from far worse.

i thought megan had cancer and it ripped me apart. but the most important thing you can do right now is be there for her.

i'm praying for her.