An Easter in Southern Indiana

[f3lix]

My friends, I would like to wish you all a belated Happy Easter, especially if you are Muslim or Jewish. I would like to share with you a tale that is so bizarre and humorous, that I immediately thought "nubblies" when I saw it unfold.

I spent Easter weekend camping with my girlfriend and her family in the green meadows of Pike County, Indiana. Pike County is an area that is SO trashy, that a Wal-Mart does not even grace its area, but we were all lucky enough that Easter morning to hear a radio commercial air on "Radio NASCAR". I am not even kidding about this label. It was a commercial to pick up Toby Keith's new album "White Trash, with Money." Not only did the commercial repeat this title 4 times, but then added, "You can pick up 'White Trash, with Money' at Wal-Mart." How appropriate. I died in laughter.

This commercial aired in the four short commuting minutes to the Catholic Church, which features 10 pews on each side and room for 6 adults in each. We arrived quite early to find that one family of three was already seated in the church. This is when I realized God has a sense of humor. I find a ten year old girl who is as skinny as they come, with HUGE orange hair. She turns around to see who walked in and I see it. Her face. Her top teeth jutted at a 45 degree angle forward, stretching her skin on her face to unthinkable lengths. Her bottom teeth were an inch behind the top, and a 30 degree angle. We will call her Fugly Orange.

A few minutes later, a white man, in his thirties, with the face of a monkey limps in. It is already obvious that inbreeding has caused this nightmare of existence. It is soon discovered that White Monkey has turrets and is retarded.

Shortly after, a family of 5 walk in. Excluding the father, who was dressed in a lavender dress shirt and the tightest "dress" pants I have ever seen, is the mother and three children all sporting their best tank tops, jeans/jean shorts and flip-flops. Dearest me...

We are listening to a tape deck which is playing Gregorian chant from the front of the church. A man walks down the aisle prior to the service, and I think upon first sight that he is a child molester. Then it is confirmed when he robes up for the service and begins preaching.

The quite overweight alter-boy now comes out and uses a stick lighter in which he must click four to five times for each candle. A stick lighter + tape deck for music = Pike County.

At this point I notice Fugly Orange is slowly rubbing one of her front teeth with her gaunt finger and staring at the congregation of trash through her 1-inch-thick glasses. White Monkey has now started picking his nose in a very consistent manner.

Next walks in a family with a boy of twelve years who spots White Monkey as he walks down the aisle and stares at him the entire way to his seat. For the next ten minutes, the boy stares at White Monkey, all while he continues to pick his nose.

A half attractive late-teenager walks in with a yellow dress on that is completely see through, exposing her white panties. She is soon followed by a man in jean shorts and a Hawaiian shirt.

No later than one minute into the service the baby behind me begins to cry. White Monkey stops picking his nose, turns around and stares at the baby with a retarded look on his face. This must have really affected White Monkey, for he stopped picking and flicking to give some attention to the baby. Fugly Orange is still slowly fingering her teeth.

White Monkey tries to participate in the congregation responses, but is always late and yelling out answers in a hick-turrets manner. Just imagine this... Ah dooo, Fathur. His Amen’s are by far behind all others.

It became time for tithes and offerings to be collected. Walking up and down the aisles were Lavender man and another guy wearing an ESPN Sportszone polo shirt... While the collection is going on, several "Alleluia's" are being sung with White Monkey just saying "Alleluia" whenever he thinks it is time.

Concluding the Easter Humor Mass was a singing that involved the whole congregation of musically illiterate and tonally deaf hicks. My girlfriend took her unruly nephew out at that time and her mom had started laughing at how awful the singing was. I inched closer to her and asked why she wasn't singing. Her laughter grew. I then suggested she pick any text and sing it in any key and nobody would know. Through testing, I found this to be true.

Before departing Hicksville, we stopped at Hucks to pick up some ice. It was here that this sign was spotted at the entrance.



This could be some of the reasons that even Southern Indiana makes fun of Pike County. It was surely an amusing Easter morning.

[Ugly Bastard]

Originally Posted by f3lix

A stick lighter + tape deck for music = Pike County.

My laughter peaked right here. Well done sir.

[Orgazmo]

Hehe, dear Christ. You must go back to get more pictures. I want more god damned pictures, dave.