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Combat Chuck · 01-02-2003, 11:18 PM

Over Christmas, I was blessed to recieve from my parents, a collection of Onion newspapers all wrapped up in one package: Dispatches From The Tenth Circle (of Hell)

I gotta tell you, the Onion has never failed to have me rolling on the floor. My dream job is now to be able to write for the Onion someday.

Why?

Let these headlines speak for themselves:

Columbine Jocks Safely Resume Bullying

Man With Complete Mama's Family Video Library Never Going On eBay Drunk Again

God Answers Prayers Of Paralyzed Little Boy
'No,' Says God

Elton John Wows Mother Teresa Funeral Crowd With 'The Bitch Is Back'

Tantric-Sex Class Opens Up Whole New World Of Unfullfillment For Local Couple

18-Year-Old Demands Right to Be Sexually Harrassed In The Workplace

Man Accidentally Ends Business Call With 'I Love You'

Neighbors Confront Alcoholic Child-Abuser About His Lawn

Supreme Court Overturns Car

Area Wildcat A Real Wildcat In The Sack

Students Prepare Breasts For Increased Springtime Display

Fun Toy Banned Because Of Three Stupid Dead Kids

ACLU Defends Nazis' Right To Burn Down ACLU Headquarters

Community Leaders Outraged Over Porn Video
'This Tape Contained No "All-Anal Action" As Promised,' Say Concerned Parents

Dolphins Evolve Opposable Thumbs
'Oh Shit,' Says Humanity

Area 5-Year-Old Has To Go To The Doctor For Her Buh-Gina

Twelve Customers Gunned Down In Convenience-Store Clerk's Imagination

Gore Wonders If Latest Doonesbury About Him

NFL Star Thanks Jesus After Double Homicide

Area Man Has Naked-Lady Fetish

and lastly....

Chinese Woman Gives Birth To Septuplets
Has One Week To Choose

Heh. That's the Onion for ya. I'll post more later, if you guys want. But this should hold you over for a while.

Ugly Bastard · 01-03-2003, 10:29 AM

God damn Chuck! That's such a great thread.

However, I can't help but think that maybe that thread would have better worked here. I dunno...

-Ugly Bastard

Combat Chuck · 01-03-2003, 06:01 PM

I actually thought about that, but then I realized that it was an old thread, and I didn't know how many hits it would get since people have seen it already.

And this qualifies as news, even if it is fake stuff.

All in all, it's still fucking entertaining stuff.

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01-02-2003, 11:18 PM	#1 (permalink)
Combat Chuck Senior Member Join Date: Oct 2002 Posts: 2,063 Internets: 10	Over Christmas, I was blessed to recieve from my parents, a collection of Onion newspapers all wrapped up in one package: Dispatches From The Tenth Circle (of Hell) I gotta tell you, the Onion has never failed to have me rolling on the floor. My dream job is now to be able to write for the Onion someday. Why? Let these headlines speak for themselves: Columbine Jocks Safely Resume Bullying *Man With Complete Mama's Family* Video Library Never Going On eBay Drunk Again God Answers Prayers Of Paralyzed Little Boy** 'No,' Says God Elton John Wows Mother Teresa Funeral Crowd With 'The Bitch Is Back' Tantric-Sex Class Opens Up Whole New World Of Unfullfillment For Local Couple 18-Year-Old Demands Right to Be Sexually Harrassed In The Workplace Man Accidentally Ends Business Call With 'I Love You' Neighbors Confront Alcoholic Child-Abuser About His Lawn Supreme Court Overturns Car Area Wildcat A Real Wildcat In The Sack Students Prepare Breasts For Increased Springtime Display Fun Toy Banned Because Of Three Stupid Dead Kids ACLU Defends Nazis' Right To Burn Down ACLU Headquarters Community Leaders Outraged Over Porn Video 'This Tape Contained No "All-Anal Action" As Promised,' Say Concerned Parents Dolphins Evolve Opposable Thumbs 'Oh Shit,' Says Humanity Area 5-Year-Old Has To Go To The Doctor For Her Buh-Gina Twelve Customers Gunned Down In Convenience-Store Clerk's Imagination *Gore Wonders If Latest Doonesbury* About Him NFL Star Thanks Jesus After Double Homicide Area Man Has Naked-Lady Fetish and lastly.... Chinese Woman Gives Birth To Septuplets** Has One Week To Choose Heh. That's the Onion for ya. I'll post more later, if you guys want. But this should hold you over for a while.

01-03-2003, 10:29 AM	#2 (permalink)
Ugly Bastard Senior Member Join Date: Feb 2002 Location: U.S.A. Posts: 13,643 Internets: 247330	God damn Chuck! That's such a great thread. However, I can't help but think that maybe that thread would have better worked here. I dunno... -Ugly Bastard

01-03-2003, 06:01 PM	#3 (permalink)
Combat Chuck Senior Member Join Date: Oct 2002 Posts: 2,063 Internets: 10	I actually thought about that, but then I realized that it was an old thread, and I didn't know how many hits it would get since people have seen it already. And this qualifies as news, even if it is fake stuff. All in all, it's still fucking entertaining stuff.