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Unread 10-21-2005, 01:11 PM   #1 (permalink)
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1. New Rule: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for Classmates.com! There's a reason I haven't talked to people for 10 years. Because they suck.

2. New Rule: Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless you're a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was found in a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What did you expect it to contain? Trout? Lucky it was a finger, at least then you'd have a chance of getting a ring out of it.

3. New Rule: Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot, blonde teachers are permanently damaged. No joke here, seriously just stop it.

4. New Rule: If you need to shave and you still collect baseball cards, you're gay. If you're a kid, the cards are keepsakes of your idols. If you're a grown man, they're pictures of men.

5. New Rule: Starbucks sucks. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a "decaf grande half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low and one NutraSweet," ooh, you are one gigantic anus. As a matter of fact, any guy who go to starbucks is gay anyway.

6. New Rule: I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding my card, entering my PIN number, pressing "Enter," verifying the amount, deciding, no, I don't want cash back, and pressing "Enter" again, the kid who is supposed to be ringing me up is standing there eating my god damned twix. Paper, plastic? I don't have time for that. I've just been called to do a cleanup on Aisle Nine!

8. The number 7 is over rated.

9. New Rule: I don't need a bigger mega M&M. If I'm extra hungry for M&Ms, I'll go nuts and eat two.

10. New Rule: No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab. Picking up the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn't gift giving, it's the white people version of looting.

11. New Rule, and this one is long overdue: No more bathroom attendants. After I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint like I just had ate out Oprah's sloppy poon. I can't even tell if he's supposed to be there, or just some freak with a fetish. I don't want to be on your web cam playa, I just want to wash my friggin' hands.

12. New Rule: When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to know in months. "27 Months." "He's two," will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I didn't care in the first place, I was just making conversation.

13. New Rule: If you're going to insist on making movies based on crappy, old television shows, then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a remote so we can see what's playing on the other screens. Let's remember the reason something was a television show in the first place is the idea wasn't good enough to be a movie.

[ October 21, 2005, 11:11 AM: Message edited by: Ironic Mustache ]

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Unread 10-21-2005, 02:00 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally posted by Ironic Mustache:
4. New Rule: If you need to shave and you still collect baseball cards, you're gay. If you're a kid, the cards are keepsakes of your idols. If you're a grown man, they're pictures of men.
I LOLed a little bit on this one.

#YOLO
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Unread 10-21-2005, 02:29 PM   #3 (permalink)
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The bathroom attendant one is right on. Whoever came up with that idea should be drowned face down in a urinal.
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Unread 10-22-2005, 05:46 PM   #4 (permalink)
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#2. Mmmmmmm Taco Bell, that's about the jist of my fast food eating though.

#4. I still have all of my old baseball cards, they're in huge boxes somewhere at my mom's. I haven't looked at them for at least 10 years.

#5. I go to starbucks, but its usually only with my gf. I don't order anything fancy, its either Hot chocolate, or a green tea.

#6. I hate this as well, I also hate when you don't notice that the card machine is right in front of you for you to swipe, and you start to hand your card to the cashier and they get rude and act like you are the dumbest person on the planet because you didn't realize that you had to swipe your own damn card.

11. I couldn't have said it better myself, and on top of that they get shitty when you don't leave a tip. Wow, you handed me a fucking towel, in which I would have preferred getting it myself, and no I'm not tipping you.
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Unread 10-22-2005, 10:45 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Re: Rule #2

You know that wasn't a real finger, and that the woman staged it to try to win a lawsuit, right?

-UB
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Unread 10-23-2005, 12:50 AM   #6 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally posted by Ugly Bastard:
Re: Rule #2

You know that wasn't a real finger, and that the woman staged it to try to win a lawsuit, right?

-UB
You know it happened twice right??

Once where the whore staged it and once where they found the guy missing the finger.

Oxygen gets you high. In a catastrophic emergency, you're taking giant panicked breaths. Suddenly you become euphoric, docile. You accept your fate. It's all right here. Emergency water landing - 600 miles an hour. Blank faces, calm as Hindu cows
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Unread 10-23-2005, 01:14 AM   #7 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally posted by Ironic Mustache:
3. New Rule: Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot, blonde teachers are permanently damaged. No joke here, seriously just stop it.
I have a better description of these kids: lucky bastards.
You know, I was once beat up after school, and believe me, I would gladly trade that pummeling for a session of oral sex with my French teacher - no matter how much his mustache tickled.

[ October 22, 2005, 11:31 PM: Message edited by: StabMaster Arson ]

LEGALIZE CRIME!
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Unread 10-23-2005, 01:30 AM   #8 (permalink)
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New Rule: The guy who wrote Why Do Men Have Nipples? must write another book called If You Care, Then You're Gay.

New Rule: You can only kill the number-two man in Al Qaeda once. According to the White House, we've killed the number-two man in Al Qaeda about nine times now. He's not a terrorist. It turns out he's a zombie. We're fighting them over in Transylvania so we don't have to fight them here.

New Rule: TV has to stop trying to make white people more paranoid than they already are. All the new fall dramas are based on the premise that the suburbs aren't filled with desperate housewives, they're filled with serial killers and aliens. Please, TV, stop freaking out the people in the 'burbs. That's how George Bush got elected! Folks, your neighbor isn't a serial killer; you're not going to be invaded by aliens; and your wife isn't fucking the gardener. Well, two out of three ain't bad.

New Rule: No more millionaires in space. With the deficit skyrocketing and poverty spreading, maybe now isn't the best time to use your Bush tax cut to take a $20 million rocket ride. There's a more rewarding way to spend that kind of cash. Buy yourself a congressman.

New Rule: Women have to meet me halfway. How do you expect me to masturbate to your fashion magazines if I never know when I might see Donatella Versace.

New Rule: George Bush must meet some new people. You know, when Americans see their president giving every job to the same old cronies, they use words like "loyal to a fault" and "stubborn" and "close-minded," "lives in a bubble," "sock-puppet," "asshole." "Worst president ever." But they're missing the point. The problem isn't his political philosophy - "kill people and animals and take their gas" - the problem is he has to expand his circle of friends beyond his mom, Karen Hughes and the House of Saud. Which is why before George Bush makes another political appointment, he has to join Friendster.

New Rule: The next major destructive storm must be called Hurricane George. You've earned it, buddy! Congratulations. You are officially a Category 5 president.

New Rule: If your razor has five blades, it's not a razor, it's a weed-whacker. With the new Gillette Fusion razor, the first blade lifts the stubble; the second severs the hair follicle; the third slices your skin; the fourth scrapes bone marrow; and the fifth was used by O.J. Simpson to kill his wife, and he wants it back.

New Rule: No more nudity on billboards. You know, I'm all for sex in advertising, but not where horny men drive. I don't want to launch into a big lecture about safety, but the other day, the guy in front of me slammed on his brakes to gawk, and the woman who was blowing me almost hit her head on the steering wheel!

New Rule: If you give a nine-year-old a hunting rifle, expect to have a hole in your head next to the one you already have. That's right. Fathers are signing up their kids to win free hunting trips. Great time to find out she's pissed about not getting that doll. I'm sorry, but the first time your daughter should see a shotgun is at her wedding when she's 14.

New Rule: Just because we have an obligation to rebuild New Orleans doesn't mean we have to put it back in the same place. For $200 billion, we could put the French Quarter on the moon. Why don't we put it someplace it can stay out of harm and do some good? After all, New Orleans is the Big Easy, and a lot of America is uptight. Which is why I say we put New Orleans in Kansas.

What do you say, Kansas? Put down your hoes and come meet some. Welcome New Orleans to the land that fun forgot. An infusion of color and gayness in the dry Kansas plain. Why, it'll be as if they shot "The Wizard of Oz" on location. You're going to love it! New Orleans is one of the great towns. It's my kind of town, an outpost of free living and sophistication in a sea of - well, now, sea.

New Rule: The fortunes in fortune cookies have to be fortunes. "You surround yourself with good friends" is not a prediction. It's a compliment. Quit kissing my ass, cookie! If I'm going to sit through a plate of MSG-laden, twice-cooked kitty-cat, I want a real fortune like, "That meal you just ate is going to give you cancer."

New Rule: There aren't "101 Sex Tricks." In fact, ladies, there is only one. It's called the blowjob. Do it 101 times.

New Rule: A terrorist threat should not end with the words, "Seriously, dude." A terrorist video has surfaced wherein an Al Qaeda operative from Orange County--threatened the U.S. Hey, face it, man, you're not a jihadist. You're Napoleon Dynamite with this mother's dishtowel on his head. Turn off the camcorder, go back to your parents' basement and download porn, you loser.

New Rule: Stop telling me celebrities are too thin, when really the rest of America is too fat. I think I know where Nicole Richie's boobs went. [photo of obese man in swimsuit] This guy's got 'em.

And finally, New Rule: For Christ's sake, no more devil movies. "The Exorcism of Emily Rose" opened huge last week, and it surprised a lot of people, mostly because Owen Wilson wasn't in it. But exorcism, or as the Catholics call it, "elective surgery," is a popular theme nowadays because it reinforces the comforting notion that evil resides outside of us.

Well, I'm sorry, but it doesn't. And whenever I hear someone blame a bombing in Baghdad or a levee breaking in New Orleans on the forces of evil, it makes me so mad I just want to grab my pitchfork and stick it right through my cloven hoof!

LEGALIZE CRIME!
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Unread 10-23-2005, 10:35 AM   #9 (permalink)
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rule #2- when you kill the number two man, the number three man then becomes the number two man.... duh....

I am chaos. It is my destiny to destroy.
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Unread 10-23-2005, 08:36 PM   #10 (permalink)
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new rule: if you choose to live in a disaster prone area you lose the right to cry and complain when a disaster happens.

sub rule to new rule: if you choose not to get the fuck out of the area while you can, DO NOT expect the rest of us to risk our asses to come get you when you finally decide you want to leave. consider yourself "naturally selected" and just blow your fucking brains out.

I also do not want to hear that i should "be grateful that i still have.... insert whatever grossly inflated item here... because the people in blah blah blah have nothing" FUCK YOU! i dont have to be grateful for shit. i chose to live in an area where shit like that doesnt happen, why should i have to pay for people that do.

[ October 23, 2005, 09:17 PM: Message edited by: Lucy Fur ]

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Unread 10-23-2005, 09:06 PM   #11 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally posted by Lucy Fur:
rule #2- when you kill the number two man, the number three man then becomes the number two man.... duh....
Damn you to hell for beating me to it.
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Unread 10-23-2005, 09:25 PM   #12 (permalink)
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if there were such a thing as hell i am sure i would already be going there.

[ October 23, 2005, 07:25 PM: Message edited by: Lucy Fur ]

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Unread 10-23-2005, 11:09 PM   #13 (permalink)
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stabmaster ha s truely out-done himself now.

i stand and applaud you sir! truth in typed words has never been better "spoken".

lucy and beebs: i agree with on the #2 GUY THING..as long as we keep killing the #2 guy, who cares, we're still killing.

[ October 23, 2005, 09:18 PM: Message edited by: Carnivorous Flavor ]

i'm the sinful stench that wafts through nostrils of the righteous....
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Unread 10-23-2005, 11:58 PM   #14 (permalink)
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Bill Mahr deserves the applause, not I.

LEGALIZE CRIME!
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Unread 10-24-2005, 01:23 PM   #15 (permalink)
G'd up from the feet up.
 
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Quote:
Originally posted by ItsPaff:
</font><blockquote>quote:</font><hr />Originally posted by Ugly Bastard:
Re: Rule #2

You know that wasn't a real finger, and that the woman staged it to try to win a lawsuit, right?

-UB

You know it happened twice right??

Once where the whore staged it and once where they found the guy missing the finger.
</font>[/quote]
This is correct, the finger belonged to her husbands co-worker who lost it at work a day or so prior.

Creeping around as I please nonchalantly like any other Supreme Emperor might.
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