Tranformers: Revenge of the Aborted

[DDTempest]

If you don't want spoilers stop right now, the only way to summarize this horrible abortion of a movie is to summarize its "plot" just to show how horrible it really is.

Movie starts with a team of Autobots / U.S. Military "hunting down" a couple decepticons in Hong Kong ... mediocre action and introduction of like six new Autobots, of which only two really do anything on screen for the entire remainder of the movie: the twins (more later).

Then we go to Sam leaving for college, while packing up his room he finds a piece of the all spark in his old shirt pocket and accidentally turns his entire kitchen into an army of small robots that then attempt to kill him. Luckily Bumblebee blasts them with his arm cannon thus destroying their entire house.

They take him to college and he meets his roommate who is a 1337 dude computer website guy who happens to run a website that shows videos of global conspiracies (like the transformers).

Meanwhile a robot dog breaks into "the most heavily guarded navy base on the planet" by crashing into it as a meteor and sending in a robot made of tine marbles that it vomits into the base through an exhaust port. The decepticons steal the remaining shard of the all spark (that wasn't in Sam's pocket) and use it to bring back Megatron from the dead, and they need parts to make him whole so they scrap a generic decepticon thus making Megatron into a flying tank instead of a space ship.

Sam is seduced by a wicked hot chick that wants his nuts and turns out to be a decepticon trying to capture him because all of the knowledge of the all-spark has been downloaded into his brain. They capture him and he is saved in the last second by Optimus & co.

They do some running and meet up with Optimus Prime who does some ass kicking but dies to the resurrected Megatron.

Some government asshole decides to have all the autobots shipped to home base and tells them they are not allowed to help anymore whilst Bumblebee, the twins, and the people are off hiding in some bombed out ruins in some rural part of the East coast.

So they go find the sector 7 guy from the first movie who works in his family's deli now and has a top secret alien proof storage vault in the floor under the freezer and they discover that one of the ancient "seekers" is just a few miles away at the Smithsonian.

Introduce Jetfire, an SR71 blackbird that transformers into an elderly transformer that babbles on endlessly and inattentively like an old man would. He also walks with a cane. He translates the symbols that Sam has been writing on the walls and teleports them to Egypt to find the secret matrix of leadership in the "tomb of the primes" so that they can resurrect Optimus Prime.

The Twins, these guys are two small cars and their persona is well ... the glaring stereotype of dumb niggers. They even have gap teeth (one of which is gold) and talk like Mike Tyson and "don't know how to read" ... If you thought Jazz from the first movie was ridiculous, these guys are about five times worse.

Some bumblebee, the twins, and Sam, Megan Fox, Sector 7 guys, and Sam's conspiracy theory comic relief roommate all drive across the desert to find the Tomb of the Primes. They find it on accident after the twins start bickering about who is uglier (their twins) and knock a wall loose in an ancient Egyptian Tomb.

They get some powder that was the matrix that crumbled in Sam's hands and head to the part of the desert where they decided to Air drop Optimus's corpse and a bunch of Marines and the autobots. Decepticons show up, so Sam gets out of Bumblebee and decides to run the remaining three miles to the meeting point instead of driving. Some random construction vehicles show up and surround the twins, the roommate and sector 7 guy and tranformer directly into Devastator which is apparently a large robotic version of a sloth with a vacuum cleaner for a mouth because he meanders across the desert and starts sucking up everything in his path.

Some robots battle, its really boring because they bring in a bunch of no-name Decepticons, and Michael Bay sneaks in a couple that died in the first movie because you would never notice. The Fallen shows up and does some ass kicking while Devastator tears the top off of a pyramid that has a secret weapon that destroys stars to create Energon, which the decepticons needs so that baby Decepticons don't die at birth (not kidding).

Sam dies, Megan Fox says she loves him, he transcends space and time and meets with the ancient council of the Primes (apparently Primes are the only badasses in the Transformer universe) and they tell him they have been watching him all this time blah blah blah the leadership matrix is earned not given and it magically reassembles from the dust in his hand and he wakes up, resurrects Optimus Prime by stabbing it into his chest wound, the fallen teleports in and steals it and teleports away.

Optimus Prime is dying ... again ... so Jetfire flies in, kills a dude, and then gets impaled by the scorpion decepticon from the first movie that appears out of no where. "This is the only meaningful thing I have ever done" he says as he tells them to take his parts to save Optimus. So Optimus gets gigantic Jet Packs and basically goes all Dragon Ball Z on the Fallen AND Megatron at the same time, Fallen dies, Megatron gets half his face melted off and flees to fight another day. Optimus then sheds all of Jetfire's parts and the day is won.

I am not making any of this up. Horrible horrible movie.

[Mr. Blonde]

LMAO at "goes all dragon ball Z on"hahahahaha. wait, so who is the fallen? i don't think that was discussed, for a while while reading i thought it was megatron.

[THEINCREDIBLEdork]

the first movie wasn't any good imo either

[Mr. Blonde]

I'm just happy some people actually die in this one, these robots are terrible at killing humans. like in terminator "oh, we have the leader of the human resistance in our fucking base, instead of locking down the section he's in and gassing the fuck out of him, lets just send ONE of our THOUSANDS of robots after him to kill him, and instead of just pulling his head off, lets have him throw him around a bit. that should do it"

[DDTempest]

Originally Posted by Mr. Blonde

LMAO at "goes all dragon ball Z on"hahahahaha. wait, so who is the fallen? i don't think that was discussed, for a while while reading i thought it was megatron.

Sorry "the Fallen" is one of the original members of the council of Primes and can only be defeated by another Prime (because they say so) they originally scouted the galaxy for stars to destroy to make energon but had a rule that you couldnt blow up a star if there was life on a planet nearby. He hated the humans from that time (cavemen) and kicked their asses handily and then his brothers kicked his ass and made him stop and they built a pyramid over his death star laser cannon and he went to hide on a Space Ship located near / on Saturn, he has just been hanging out there for the last 100,000 years or so "waiting for his chance to get revenge on the earth" when the matrix of leadership is rediscovered which is apparently what powers the death star ... err death cannon.


mind you that I am not speaking any of this from nerd memory, it is all meticulously spelled out in this movie