Ho Ho Hoooray! My gift is on time even though it appears to have been shipped all the way from London! Maybe there’s a Rolex or something in here:
Let’s start with the note. Ooooh alcohol perhaps? My Secret Fucking Santa appears to know me on a personal level. The menorah is either a clue to my SFS's true identity or a clever ruse to distract me from it.
Well no alcohol so far, but still interesting. A blow up cactus:
What else do we have here… Hmmm, a mustache!! Now we’re getting somewhere:
Okay wait a second. There seems to be somewhat of a racist trend emerging. A giant Mexican flag:
Finally a break from the racism. A giant pen!
Ooooh and I’ll be able to use that pen to jot down notes and underline important passages in my new book!
Just in time too because I was just about to announce my plans for becoming a single mother:
All of this present opening is working up an appetite. Good thing I now have some penis pasta to eat!
One last gift to go. It’s a shirt! It’s a shirt and also appears to be an insult! It appears to be a shirt from a restaurant in Manila called, “Hobbit House.” Is this a recommendation for the restaurant, or an implication that I should inquire about employment? You’re a dick Secret Fucking Santa! I should note that the shirt is a size medium. If I lose some weight I should be able to squeeze into it.
Not a bad haul this year Secret Fucking Santa. Thank you sir!