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Old 10-27-2002, 10:16 PM   #1 (permalink)
Orgazmo
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Go ahead and post any funny jokes that you come across while living. Although it's titled the "Joke of the Day," feel free to post perhaps 3 or 4 jokes a day...because, you know what they say, "The more the merrier." My job will be to post at least one joke a day. Of course, I'll eventually run out and this thread will die...but until that day...

The first joke of the day is one that I've used as my laugh producer in those "so...what jokes have you heard lately" times.

It was the first of April, and Joe was out of town on business. He returned home to find his wife was at the hospital in labour giving birth to their first child.
He rushed to the hospital and hurried to his wife’s side. But she had already had the baby so he went to the nursery to see the baby.
He spotted the name on the crib and motioned to the nurse. She pointed to the crib and Joe said, “Yes, he’s my son.”
The nurse picked up the baby and dropped it on the floor. Joe was aghast. The nurse said “don’t worry.” She picked it up and slapped it hard across the face several times. Joe turned white in horror as she threw the baby across the nursery. Joe was about to faint as she held the baby by his testicles and swung him round her head.
“STOP! You are killing my baby!” He screamed.
“April fools!” laughed the nurse, “he was born dead!”

Another variation comes in the following form.

A man is sitting alone in his house watching TV when his phone rings. He picks it up to learn that his wife has been in a car accident and that she is being held in critical condition in the emergency room at the hospital. He gets to the hospital and waits outside the room that she's being operated on for 5 straight hours before a doctor comes out to talk to him. He said, "Sorry Joe, but your wife has suffered a severed spine. She cannot control anything below her neck. This means that you're going to have to feed her, bathe her, even help her go to the bathroom..."
After hearing this new, Joe immediately broke out into an uncontrollable sob. The doctor began to chuckle to himself, and broke in on Joe's tears saying, "Hahahaha, don't worry Joe, I'm just messing around with you. She's dead!"
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Old 10-28-2002, 12:39 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Kinda reminds me of Freddie Got Fingered...

anyways, heres my 2 pesos...

Guy walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a straight up shot of tequila.
"Whats the problem man, you look a little down," asks the bartender.
"I just found out my brother is gay," answers the man.
"Damn, thats gotta be rough," replies the bartender, and pours his drink.

The next day the same man returns looking pale and tired.

The man says to the bartender, "gimme a double shot of tequila, and another of vodka."

"Holy shit!" replies the bartender. "Whats wrong this time?" he asks.

"well, I just found out my son is gay." Replies the man who then takes his shots, and leaves.

The third day, the same man returns again to the bar this time looking like complete shit. And right away ordering the whole bottle of tequila.

"Goddamnitt man, doesnt anyone in your family love women??!!" asks the bartender.

"Yeah...my wife..."
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Old 10-28-2002, 01:04 AM   #3 (permalink)
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I think the funniest thing was that St.Anky said "...my two pesos." I like the dead baby one, thats so cruel!
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Old 10-28-2002, 10:36 AM   #4 (permalink)
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wintergrey,
isnt it true that your sister is on the cover of the new Girls Gone Wild movie? Just a question...hahahahaha...fucker
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Old 10-28-2002, 10:38 AM   #5 (permalink)
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i saw the commercial, i am pretty sure its her. Guess we will just have to wait till someone gets ahold of the movie for proof.
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Old 10-28-2002, 11:26 AM   #6 (permalink)
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That dead baby one made me laugh and feel pretty bad for laughing. But I laughed none the less.
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Old 10-28-2002, 12:02 PM   #7 (permalink)
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A father and his son went hunting for the first time. The father said,” son, whatever you do don't scream." Stay here while I go around to check the field. About ten minutes later the father heard his son scream. The father ran over and said," why did you scream?" His son said,” a skunk walked by my feet but I didn’t scream. Then a snake was crawling around my neck, but I didn’t scream cause you told me not to. Then two chipmunks crawled up my pant legs and said,” should we eat them now or take them with us?"
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Old 10-28-2002, 12:13 PM   #8 (permalink)
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It’s your first time. As you lie back, your muscles tighten. You put him off for a while searching for an excuse, but he refuses to be swayed. As he approaches you, he asks if you’re afraid and you shake your head bravely. He has had more experience, but it’s the first time his finger has found the right place. He goes deeply and you shiver, your body tenses, but he’s gentle like he promised he would be. He looks deeply within your eyes and tells you to trust him. He’s done this many times before. His cool smile relaxes you and you open wider to give him more room, for easy entrance. You begin to plead and beg him to hurry, but he slowly takes his time, wanting to cause as little pain as possible. As he presses closer going deeper, you feel the tissue give way. Pain surges through your body and you feel the slight trickle of blood as he continues. He looks at you concerned and asks you if it’s too painful. Your eyes are filled with tears, but you shake your head and nod to go on. He begins going in and out with skill, but you are now too numb to feel him within you. After a few moments you feel something bursting within you and he pulls it out. You lay panting, glad to have it all over with. He looks at you and smiles warmly and tells you with a chuckle, that you have been his most stubborn, yet rewarding experience.
You smile and thank your dentist.
After all, it was your first time to have a tooth pulled.

Naughty, Naughty.

What were you thinking?
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Old 10-28-2002, 12:25 PM   #9 (permalink)
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A good friend of mine...i will not give his name lets just say he's one of the major guys on the football team. He bought the movie because he is 18. On the cover of Girls Gone Wild Doggy Style wintergrey's sister is in fact on the cover. It is her face as clear as possible. I can't wait to go to this friend of mines house to watch the movie.
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Old 10-28-2002, 06:11 PM   #10 (permalink)
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A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl tells him that after dinner, she would like to have sex with him for the first time. The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacy to get some condoms. The pharmacist helps the boy for about half an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex. At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy a 3-pack, 10-pack or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.

That night, the boy shows up at the girls parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents! Come on in!"

The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down. 10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious."

The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist!"
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Old 10-29-2002, 09:48 PM   #11 (permalink)
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Two bums were walling down the railway one day and one bum said to the other, “I am the luckiest guy in the world.”
“Why is that?” asked his mate.
“Well, the other day I was walking sown these here tracks when I found a £20 note. I went into town and blew it all on alcohol and I was drunk for three days.”
“That’s nothing,” said his mate “I was walking down these tracks a few weeks ago when I found a beautiful naked woman tied to the tracks. I untied her and took her up into the trees and had mad sex with her for a week.”
“Jesus,” said his mate “you really are the luckiest guy alive, did she give good blowjobs?”
“Well, no,” he replied “I never found her head...”
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Old 10-29-2002, 09:49 PM   #12 (permalink)
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And I'll go ahead and put another one up tonight...since it's a small one.

How do you get a dog to stop humping your leg?

...pick it up and suck its cock!

Short and to the point, qualities of a good joke.
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Old 10-29-2002, 10:38 PM   #13 (permalink)
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eh... that was just sick

but i liked the bum one
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Old 10-30-2002, 02:27 PM   #14 (permalink)
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A White Guy, A Black Guy, and a Mexican where all rummaging through an attic until they stubbled upon a lamp. The decided to polish up the ol' sex-bear just for old-times sake. As they started to rub the lamp, lo-and-behold, a genie popped out of it.

The genie was allowed to grant three wishes, and seeing how there were three guys there, he decided to divide the three wishes evenly, one wish for each man.

The genie asked the Black Guy, "What is your wish"? The Black Guy responded, "I wish that me, and all of my African-American folk could just go back to Africa and live a nice, peaceful life." So the genie granted his wish, and returned all the Blacks to Africa

The genie then turned to the Mexican Guy and asked him, "What is your wish"? After hearing the Black Man's wish, the Mexican decided to wish the same thing for his people, so he said, "Genie, I wish that me, and all of my Mexican kindred could just go back to Mexico and live a nice, peaceful life." So the genie granted his wish, and sent all the Mexicans back to Mexico.

Now, it was the White Man's turn. The genie asked him, "What is your wish"? The white man first asked the genie a question, he said, "Lemme get this straight, all the Black's are back in Africa?" The genie responded with a nod. "And all the Mexican's are back in Mexico?" The genie again confirms the white man's statement. So after giving it some thought, the White-Man turns to the genie and says, "....alright, I'll have a Coke."
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Old 10-30-2002, 06:37 PM   #15 (permalink)
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Three men, a doctor, a lawyer and a biker, were sitting in a bar talking over a few drinks.
After a sip of his martini, the doctor said, "You know, tomorrow is my anniversary. I bought my wife a diamond ring and a new Mercedes. I figure if she doesn't like the diamond ring, then at least she will like the Mercedes, and she will know that I love her."
After finishing his scotch, the lawyer said, "Well, on my last anniversary, I bought my wife a string of pearls and a trip to the Bahamas. I figured if she didn't like the pearls, then at least she would have enjoyed the trip, and she would have known that I loved her."
The Biker then took a big swig from his beer, and said, "Yeah, well for my anniversary, I got my old lady a t-shirt and a vibrator. I figured if she didn't like the t-shirt, then she could go fuck herself.
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Old 10-31-2002, 02:15 AM   #16 (permalink)
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Ugly, i think we should thank 'Boondock Saints' for that lovely joke of yours... by the way, i you haven't seen that movie, see it, or Ugly here will ass-rape you...
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Old 10-31-2002, 02:18 AM   #17 (permalink)
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I knew I got that joke from somewhere, I just couldn't remember where. Yes, see Boondock Saints, and no, I am not going to ass-rape you if you don't....but I might just fuck your mom.

-Ugly Bastard
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Old 11-01-2002, 12:47 PM   #18 (permalink)
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The cowboys are sitting around a campfire talking about how the day has gone. After a brief silence, the first cowboy decides to show how tough he is with a short story.

"One day last year, I was walking through the forest when a HUGE boa constrictor crawled right in front of me. He wrapped his body around my torso, but I sawed him in half with a twig laying on the ground!"

The second cowboy responded:

"Oh yeah! That's nothing! Just yesterday I was walking through town when 4 Indians jumped me from behind. They tried to scalp me, but I did a flip over them and killed all 4 with 3 bullets!"

The third cowboy continued sittin on his stump, all the while stirring the hot coals of the fire with his penis.
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Old 11-01-2002, 09:27 PM   #19 (permalink)
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HAH!....damn, I need a joke to post here myself....
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Old 11-02-2002, 06:50 PM   #20 (permalink)
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A Scottish old timer named Saxton was sitting in a Scotland bar talking to a young man. "Lad, look out there to the field. Do ya see that fence? Look how well it's built. I built that fence stone by stone with me own two hands. I piled it for months. But do they call me Saxton-the-Fence-Builder? Nooo.."

Then the old man gestured at the bar. "Look here at the bar. Do ya see how smooth and just it is? I planed that surface down by me own achin' back. I carved that wood with me own hard labour, for eight days. But do they call me Saxton-the-Bar-builder? Nooo..."

Then the old man points out the window. "Eh, Laddy, look out to sea. Do ya see that pier that stretches out as far as the eye can see? I built that pier with the sweat off me back. I nailed it board by board. But do they call me Saxton-the-Pier-Builder? Nooo..."

Then the old man looks around nervously, trying to make sure no one is paying attention. He says with a whisper, "But ya fuck one goat..."
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Old 11-02-2002, 07:04 PM   #21 (permalink)
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A guy is hanging out in his favorite bar when he spots a fabulous babe walking in on the arm of some ugly schlep. He asks the bartender about her and is surprised to discover that she's a prostitute. He watches her the rest of the night, amazed that someone so attractive could be available to him.

The next night he goes back to the bar, and sure enough she shows up again, only this time alone. The guy gets up his nerve and approaches her.

"Is it true you're a prostitute?"

"Why, sure, big boy. What can I do for you?"

"Well, I dunno. What do you charge?"

"I get $100 just for a hand job. We can negotiate from there.."

"$100!?! For a handjob? Are you nuts?"

"You see that Ferrari out there?"

The guy looks out the front door, and sure enough there's a shiny new Ferrari parked outside. "I paid cash for that Ferrari with the money I made on hand jobs. Trust me, it's worth it."

The guy mulls it over for a while, and decides what the hell. He leaves with her, and gets the most unbelievable experience he's ever had. This hand job was better than any complete sexual experience in his miserable life.

The next night he's back at the bar, waiting eagerly for her to show up. When she does, he immediately approaches her.

"Last night was incredible!"

"Of course it was. Just wait 'til you try one of my blow jobs.."

"How much is that?"

"$500"

"$500!?! C'mon, that's ridiculous!"

"You see that apartment building across the street?"

The guy looks out front at a 12-story apartment building.

"I paid cash for that building with the money I made on blow jobs. Trust me, it's worth it.

Based on the night before, the guy decides to go for it. He leaves with her, and once again is not disappointed. He nearly faints. twice.

The next night he can hardly contain himself until she shows up. "I'm hooked, you're the best! Tell me, what'll it cost me for some pussy?"

She motions for him to follow her outside. She points down the street. There between the buildings he can see Manhattan.

"You see that island?"

"Aw, c'mon! You can't mean that!"

She nods her head. "You bet. If I had a pussy, I'd own Manhattan!"
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Old 11-04-2002, 02:01 AM   #22 (permalink)
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A guy's walking down the street one day, and sees his friend, a butcher.

They begin chatting when the butcher mentions that he got fired.

"Aww, I'm sorry," comments the friend.

"No no, it's my fault, I kept putting my dick in the bacon slicer" replies the butcher.

"Ouch, what happened to the bacon slicer?"

"She got fired too."
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Old 11-04-2002, 02:08 AM   #23 (permalink)
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Lil' jonny is out on a fishing trip with his grandad. In the middle of the lake after about 30 mins, grandad pulls out a cigar. Lil' Jonny says "Can I Have One Of Those Grandad?!"
Grandad says "Can You Touch Your Own Asshole With Your Dick?!"
to which lil' jonny replies "No!",
"Well then you can't have one then, you're not old enough!" said grandad

A couple of minutes later grandad pulls out a bottle of whiskey and starts to drink, when johnny asks for a drink. Grandad says "Can You Touch Your Own Asshole With Your Dick?!"
to which lil' jonny replies "No!",
"Well then you can't have one then, you're not old enough!" said grandad

As the day goes on, it finally reaches lunch time, so lil' jonny pulls out some cookies.
"Ohhh they look nice, can i have one?" asked grandad
"Can You touch your own asshole with your dick?" inquired lil' jonny
"I most definatly can!" said grandad
to which lil' jonny replied
"Well Go Fuck Yourself These Are Mine!!"


[This message has been edited by Orgazmo (edited November 03, 2002).]
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Old 11-04-2002, 11:54 PM   #24 (permalink)
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Four men went golfing one day. Three of them headed to the first tee
and
the fourth went into the clubhouse to take care of the bill.

The three men started talking and bragging about their sons.

The first man told the others, "My son is a home builder, and he is so
successful that he gave a friend a new home for free. Just gave it to
him!"

The second man said, "My son was a car salesman, and now he owns a
multi-line dealership. He's so successful that he gave one of his
friends a new Mercedes, fully loaded."

The third man, not wanting to be outdone, bragged, "My son is a
stockbroker, and he's doing so well that he gave his friend an entire
portfolio."

The fourth man joined them on the tee after a few minutes of taking
care of business. The first man mentioned, "We were just talking about our
sons. How is yours doing?"

The fourth man replied, "Well, my son is gay and go-go dances in a gay
bar."

The other three men grew silent as he continued, "I'm not totally
thrilled about the dancing job, but he must be doing well. His last
three boyfriends gave him a house, a brand new Mercedes, and a stock
portfolio."
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Old 11-04-2002, 11:59 PM   #25 (permalink)
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One gay man decides to have a tattoo done.
On arrival to the tattooist he spots a picture of Evander Holyfield.
"Oh he's my favourite darling.... can you do him on the cheek of my ass??" he asked the tattooist.
So it was done.
On the way out of the store he spots another picture on the wall, this time Mike Tyson. "Oh good lord " he blurted out. "I just adore big Mike, can you do him on my other cheek please lovey"
So it was done.
On returning home his boyfriend says " Well drop your trousers, give us a look."
He dropped his pants to reveal his arse, to which
the boyfriend replied in fright, "I think our relationship is over, because I sure as Hell ain't getting in the ring with those two"
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