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Old 04-23-2005, 05:13 AM   #1 (permalink)
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It all started with FatWallet. Orgazmo was browsing for sweet deals when he stumbled upon a post detailing a very interesting situation at Meijer.

The situation involved Heinz 57 ketchup. Meijer stores across the country had seemingly implemented two deals on the product which worked quite well together for the consumers.

The first of these deals was a simple markdown on price. The ketchup, which normally sells for $1.47 for a single 24oz bottle, had been put on sale for the low, low price of $.89 per bottle. This is quite a deal itself for a premium brand condiment...but it doesn't stop there.

Along with the markdown of price, the chain of supermarkets had added another little something. Customers purchasing 5 bottles of the ketchup with a single transaction would find themselves greeted with a $5 voucher good toward their next Meijer purchase.

Documentation of any type of numerical limitations to either deal was not to be found.

It doesn't take a genius to see that these two deals allow anybody to collect a limitless supply of ketchup for an initial investment of $4.45 (the price of 5 bottles).

For those who don't follow, picture this: A person walks into Meijer. This person picks up 5 bottles of Heinz 57 24oz bottles. They then purchase these 5 bottles of ketchup for $4.45 (no tax on food goods in Indiana). After this, the person is handed their bag (full of 5 bottles of ketchup), their receipt, and a coupon that printed alongside their receipt worth $5 of any Meijer merchandise. This person could then take that $5 voucher back to the ketchup section, pick up 5 more bottles of ketchup, and use the voucher to make the purchase. The beauty part of the deal comes into play here. By paying with the $5 voucher, the customer receives the 5 bottles of ketchup as well as another $5 voucher (since they just purchased 5 more bottles of ketchup).

Slight limitation: There seemed to be a condition with the "scam" in which a second $5 voucher was not printed if the total sale came to any amount less than $5. In other words: If the customer used their $5 voucher to purchase 5 bottles of ketchup (and only 5 bottles of ketchup), the bill could come to $4.55. Since there were no limitations to the deal, this was perfectly acceptable; however, upon purchase, the customer was simply presented with their change, $.45. No extra $5 voucher was printed.

Fast forward to Friday evening around midnight thirty. After a delightful evening at the mall (During which time Orgazmo shared his discovery of a $5 infinite supply of ketchup), Ugly Bastard and F3lix decided to test the deal. It didn't take long for the two to realize that the deal wasn't just working, but it was an absolute goldmine.

For unmentioned reasons, F3lix decided to distance himself from the deal after only 2 rounds of scamming (10 bottles worth), dropping Ugly Bastard back at his home. Bastard was not satisfied, though. He yearned for more Heinz. He knew the potential of the loophole and planned to exploit it for all it was worth. It was at this time that he placed a call to Orgazmo and, in a matter of minutes, the two found themselves in Meijer Supermarket, a store priding itself on its Higher Standards and Lower Prices.

With the D560 in hand, the condiment hunters entered the haven of ketchup. Ugly Bastard's goal involved cleaning the store out of every bottle of ketchup they had in stock whilst Orgazmo simply wanted to end the night with a story.

It didn't take long for the two to go to work. After pissing around with a single sale, they made their way back to the ketchup area. Throwing ketchup into their cart by the boxfull, the two quickly filled their vessel. Ketchup wasn't enough, however. Because of the slight limitation outlined above, it was necessary that a filler item be used to send the total sale over $5.00. In a perfect world, an item of $.56 would be nice...making the total sale $5.01 each round, costing the two a single penny for the 5 pack of ketchup.

The world was perfect on this night.

Rounding a corner, entering the pasta section of the market, Ugly Bastard spotted Meijer brand Macaroni and Cheese. Closer inspection showed exactly what the two had hoped for: a pricetag of $.56.

With dual erections, the two loaded up the cart, attempting to achieve a 5:1 ketchup to macaroni and cheese box ratio. After loading a carton of the italian treat into the cart, the two made their way to the front of the store.

The plan was simple. The two would park their ketchup and pasta-filled cart right beside a uScan self-checkout. They would set up small system in which one would scan a bottle of tomato delight and then hand the item to the other to bag. After this had been repeated 5 times, a box of macaroni and cheese was added to the bill, bringing the total to $5.01. At this point, the machine would ask the user if they had planned on using a coupon for their sale. The answer each time was "Fuck yes," and, after letting the machine know, it would instruct the duo to present the uScan clerk (a mid-twenties male in charge of 4 grouped uScan units) with the coupon. At this step, one of the two would shamefully saunter over to the clerk and, without words, hand him the coupon. After a few seconds of hesitation, the man would do his deed and, without fail, the machine would register a -$5.00 charge, leaving the duo owing a single penny. The penny would be inserted into the machine and the sale would be complete. Both a receipt and a voucher for $5 would print simultaneously.

Rinse. Wash. Repeat.

After a few rounds of sale, the two thought it would be a good idea to get a picture of Cart A (Cart A was filled with product yet to be purchased whilst Cart B was being filled with purchased product).



The fellow in charge of accepting their coupons never asked them what the fuck was going on. In fact, he never said anything to them...unless they had some type of problem with the machine. He was all business; the exact type of person that they wanted in charge of their uScan machine. Along with this, his turn-around time with the coupon application gradually improved over their time spent together. The first time took him nearly 45 seconds to deduct the $5 from their bill...but, by the time it was all over, they would find the bill fixed by the time they returned to the uScan after handing him the coupon--about 5 steps worth of time.

Either way, it wasn't necessarily he that presented a problem. During the 15 to twenty minutes that it took to empty the cart, the two noticed that they had piqued the curiosity of many an employee. A steady flow of other workers found their way to their coupon taking friend's podium...having silent conversations with him. None of this slowed the duo, though, as they courageously scanned on.

It wasn't until the very end of their cart that the coupon taker was visited by a man dressed in a suit. Slightly put off by this managerial conversation...and heavily put off from the awkwardness of handing the coupon to the man each time, the two mutually decided that a single cartload of Heinz product would be enough.

With one cart full of empty cartons and extra pasta product and another full of purchased tomato goods, the two slowly found their way to the back of the store where they restocked the macaroni and cheese. During this time, they found themselves stalked by the noticeably conspicuous manager...though he never spoke a single word to the duo.

After finishing in the back of the store, they decided to purchase a banana with their final $5 voucher, an item costing $.21, leaving the two with $4.79 worth of change. After quickly splitting this, they left the store and loaded their product into their stealthy carriage. Minutes later, it was unloaded into its new home and dumped recklessly on a living room floor.



The goods were then arranged in sexy pyramid form.



The final stats:
80 bottles of Heinz ketchup
12 boxes of Meijer Macaroni & Cheese
1 can of Dole Pineapple Tidbits (used as filler for Ugly Bastard's 2nd purchase...with F3lix)
Total: $4.02 (Mostly because we found out about the slight limitation the hard way)

I consider the operation a complete success.

For those interested in mimicking this success, the deal is scheduled to end on Saturday (today). If you want a fuckload of ketchup, get your asses to Meijer today.
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Old 04-23-2005, 05:24 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Man I really hope I'm able to find a buyer for all this shit. Like, it just dawned on me that I have 100 pounds of Ketchup in my living room w/o the slightest clue of what to do with it.

-Ugly Bastard
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Old 04-23-2005, 05:36 AM   #3 (permalink)
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I loved the idea of it all and am happy to know that the duo wasn't harrassed during their purchases.
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Old 04-23-2005, 05:40 AM   #4 (permalink)
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WoW, amazing, simply amazing. A post with just this would have done:

Quote:
Originally posted by Orgazmo:

With dual erections, the two loaded up the cart,

#YOLO
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Old 04-23-2005, 06:11 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Hate to say it but...

This tops the corn shit post. I nominate this post for the single best post in nubblies history.
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Old 04-23-2005, 07:36 AM   #6 (permalink)
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Simply amazing.

I'm surprised you guys didn't keep it up, just to see how far you could go. Even with the manager standing over you, what could he really do? You're just a couple of a guys buying ketchup. Then again maybe the "dual erections" were a little off putting...
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Old 04-23-2005, 12:35 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally posted by Ugly Bastard:
Man I really hope I'm able to find a buyer for all this shit. Like, it just dawned on me that I have 100 pounds of Ketchup in my living room w/o the slightest clue of what to do with it.

-Ugly Bastard
I can think of many uses for 100 lbs of Ketchup, and the ones that don't involve eating it on top of another food item involve "Ruining Lives One Person At A Time"
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Old 04-23-2005, 12:59 PM   #8 (permalink)
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He's got a damn good point. I volunteer for any shenanigans in Muncie that you are willing to sacrifice your ketchup for.

Psychedelics are illegal not because a loving government is concerned that you may jump out of a third story window. Psychedelics are illegal because they dissolve opinion structures and culturally laid down models of behavior and information processing.

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Old 04-23-2005, 04:14 PM   #9 (permalink)
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genius..pure fuckiing genius.

hats off my good men! well done.

i'm the sinful stench that wafts through nostrils of the righteous....
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Old 04-23-2005, 04:46 PM   #10 (permalink)
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Alright I've got a potential buyer. After being shot down by like 7 or 8 restaurants, "Dave" at Top Notch Cafe loved my story and laughed quite hysterically. He took my number and said he'd call me back tomorrow either way...

Stay tuned!

-Ugly Bastard
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Old 04-23-2005, 05:50 PM   #11 (permalink)
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incredible. fucking. incredible.

however, you should have put the two yellow macaroni and cheese boxes in the front to make it more balanced. the one in the back left just kinda throws the whole picture off.

meet me at the corner of 5th and pontiac. and make sure that no one else is with you, if you wish to see them alive again.
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Old 04-23-2005, 05:52 PM   #12 (permalink)
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Who cares?

-Ugly Bastrd
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Old 04-23-2005, 05:58 PM   #13 (permalink)
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wow, i'm stunned, I don't even know what to say.

...to abuse the testicles of the establishment.
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Old 04-23-2005, 07:22 PM   #14 (permalink)
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haha thats the shit...im pretty sure i could find some stuff to do with that here in indy...theres plenty of cars that need ketchup on them...
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Old 04-23-2005, 10:36 PM   #15 (permalink)
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I'm swelling with pride to be a member of this site.
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Old 04-24-2005, 06:17 PM   #16 (permalink)
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Damn, I wish I had seen this a couple of days ago, my roomates go through so much damn ketchup, its ridiculous.

Regardless, it looks like it was a successful mission in acquiring a ton of basically free ketchup.
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Old 04-24-2005, 09:14 PM   #17 (permalink)
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So basically F3lix pussied out.
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Old 04-24-2005, 09:31 PM   #18 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally posted by Repugnant Abomination:
So basically F3lix pussied out.
No. I assumed he didn't want to spend his whole Friday night watching me hoard Ketchup, so I had him drive me home so I could get my car - on my way back to Meijer I called then picked up 'Gaz.

-Ugly Bastard
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Old 04-25-2005, 01:48 AM   #19 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally posted by Ugly Bastard:
Who cares?
i fucking do. i like things balanced, and that most certainly was not. if this thread was a business venture for nubblies, i do believe they would turn it down because of that single display of ignorance towards what looks good, and the way shit is supposed to be done.

FUCK!!!

...alright. i'm done now.

[ April 24, 2005, 11:48 PM: Message edited by: the Butcher ]

meet me at the corner of 5th and pontiac. and make sure that no one else is with you, if you wish to see them alive again.
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Old 04-25-2005, 12:29 PM   #20 (permalink)
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Quote:
With dual erections
Make that three erections.

Creeping around as I please nonchalantly like any other Supreme Emperor might.
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Old 04-25-2005, 01:30 PM   #21 (permalink)
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I'd be more than happy to take some of that off of your hands.

LEGALIZE CRIME!
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Old 04-25-2005, 01:39 PM   #22 (permalink)
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i prefer to get pussy on friday nights, but to each his own.

<b>We're here, and we're queer, so get used to it</b>
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Old 04-25-2005, 01:39 PM   #23 (permalink)
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Saturday night is pussy night. Fridays are for mischief and general loserhood.

-Ugly Bastard
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Old 01-22-2011, 09:49 PM   #24 (permalink)
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This story came up tonight.
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Old 01-22-2011, 10:41 PM   #25 (permalink)
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What did you end up doing with the smooth, tasty, condiment?

Putting the sensual in non-consensual.
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