An ongoing anthology of ramblings... - Nubblies.net Forums

victim · 11-24-2003, 12:50 AM

Once upon a time, I used to maintain a .com website (and when I'm pretending to be productive, I say that I'm still running a .com website)... nonetheless, I did a lot of ranting, rambling, and bullshitting on the site. It's not online right now, but I thought you guys might enjoy it... so... over the next couple of days, I'll post some of it... any-fucking-who:

---
Something suspicilicious! 09/25/02

Another day gone by... another post on the main page...

I had two options today for my post:
I could rant about Iraq, just like the good little political activist type I'd like to be, or ignore pressing world events and talk about iced animal crackers.

ICED ANIMAL CRACKERS
I love these things quite a bit actually. They're really cheap, have just the right amount of sweetness, and it would be really hard to become morbidly obese from them. I just bought a large box on my fun trip to Walmart Monday, and since then they have become an ever important aspect of my life. They are perfect, I love them. So... being the perfectly logical teenager I am, knowing from experience and grunge music, anything that I love will, almost without exception, cause me tremendous pain, agony, a feeling of emptiness, and tooth decay. There is nothing more horrendous than remembering this, be it the girl of your dreams, your collection of rare and/or pointy weapons, your own grandmother, or even your beloved snack foods. Immediately on the revelation, I decided I must find the inherit evil of these frosted beasts before it is too late.

Crackers or Cookies?
My intuition first hinted that the evil must lie in the hard-to-classify nature of these snack foods... Are they crackers, or are they cookies? Does anyone really know? I don't! It's disturbing I tell you! It's worse than that time I got lost in an amusement park bathroom! Well, to further investigate.... I checked the dictionary:
Cookie - Any of various small sweet flat or slightly raised cakes
Cracker - A dry thin crisp bakery product that may be leavened or unleavened and that is made in various shapes
...stupid dictionary, never was good for anything but speling...

Provocative Pink Icing
Alright, my next item of suspicion was the pink frosting/icing/sugar that coats one side of the cracker/cookies. I try to avoid pink foods in general, they are usually dangerous or promoting some agenda. When I get a pink hamburger, I send it back. Yet, I accept the pink icing as a perfectly acceptable part of the cracker/cookie. A pink bison is not natural! What's next, will I wear a pink shirt to school, paint my nails, or even change my name to Jill and move to Oklahoma? I think I am being set up! THE ICING IS A TRAP, A DIRTY, PINK, DELICIOUS TRAP!!!

Undefinable Animal Shapes
For something referred to as Animal Crackers/Cookies, there is certain lack of definable animal shapes in the box. Most of 'em appear as flat iced blobs, any I know they aren't making snail and amoeba cracker/cookies. I've seen plain animal crackers with intense amounts of detail, hand carved by elves in the Keebler sweatshops. I'm talking monkeys here people, monkeys with intricate facial expressions. My theory: I'm being brainwashed, so that when the snack company releases the murderous genetically-altered mutant blobs into the country we'll regard them as we do good ol' Uncle Ned, except with the genetic alterations.

Illegitimate Nutritional Facts
As anyone knows, there is no experience more scary than trying to read ingredients on the side of a box. Turns out my little friends have about 30 ingredients... I don't even have 30 ingredients! I'm not just talking flour and sugar here... we've got all sorts of tongue twisting exiles from a high school chemistry class:

* Thiamine Mononitrate
* Sodium Acid Pyrophosphate
* Titanium Dioxide
* Cinnamon

After reading this, I feared that my precious crackers may be trying something quite sinister, either poison me, magnetize me, or preserve me to maintain flavor... FLAVOR!?!
Well, it turns out, as predicted, the provocatively iced semi-animal cracker/cookie-like food substances, are evil. Another thing I loved down the drain. By drain... I mean mouth... my mouth.... mmmm.... evilicious.
I CAN'T WIN!
---

Yeah, there you go.

the Butcher · 11-24-2003, 01:52 AM

The strange thing about that victim, is that I actually remember reading that exact same rant on your website the day it came out. Weird...but extremely true about the evil part.

sim_flex_x · 11-24-2003, 03:57 AM

that made me hungry, i love those little cracker/cookies

victim · 11-25-2003, 12:55 AM

Butcher:
No idea you read the old sexbear... it warms the cavity in my chest where a human heart should be.

So, here's another, mmkay?
---
Random Acts of Violence 10/04/02
There's a new fad sweeping across America, and no, it's not from Japan or Old Navy. I'm referring to a recent surge of seemingly random acts of not nice things that wind up with people dead, bleeding, or just really upset. This, according to US media giants, is big... I mean... really big, we're talking breaking news here folks. You know they're not exaggerating, they're journalists! They aren't allowed to lie, everything they say has to be right, I mean, they're on TV aren't they? They wouldn't just let Tom Brokaw and Larry King on air to lie, decieve, and sensationalize? I DIDN'T THINK SO!
Nonetheless, the past few days have introduced us to many of these things:

Woman beats child in department store parking lot.
So this woman, in a self proclaimed "isolated incident", decides to punch and beat a 4 year old as a way to vent frustration when the store would not return her stolen merchandise. Why I know you and I both find this a perfectly normal way of releasing anger when you can't pawn off those capri pants, she was caught on camera and the police look down on such things. This woman, has also been referred to as an "irish traveler", which is a nice way of saying "abusive scumbag con". Perhaps someone was right when they said FEAR THE IRISH!

5 Killed in Maryland Shooting Spree
At random, 5 people have been killed execution style by 2 suspects in a white van with a high powered rifle. Now... I don't know about you, but being shot in the head is not the way I want to start my Thursday morning, it's really not. I'd rather get up, drink some coffee, perhaps read the paper, walk the dog, and then deal with being randomly murdered. It's just not right folks.

Man Enters UN with gun
This guy just bypasses security, walks into a courtyard and starts firing into the air and tossing around paperwork. This is opposed to the normal UN actions of creating, losing, and tossing around paperwork, and shooting your self/country in the foot.

But what could be making everyone so angry? Why did two friends of mine get in to the most pathetic, sissy, yet absolutely horrific fight I have ever seen? Imagine two non-gay teenage guys slapping each other across the face while swearing at each other. It's incredibly odd. So, I have theorized some ideas why everyone in this country is so ticked off, and if you don't agree, I'll kill you.

New Season Of Primetime TV
Does everyone still love Raymond now? Why would they when they can watch Celebrity Bootcamp, where washed up icons of the past are forced to march around in fatigues and are harassed by drill sargeants? Wow... I'm feeling angrier already.

The Weather
Hurricanes have been ravaging Louisiana. Now, having my house destroyed by floodwater or bracing the thought that New Orleans, and all the immorality of Mardi Gras may float out to sea is pretty enraging.

Lack of Good Bad Music
How can our nation exhibit blind fury and rage when we are being pacified by the mellow harmonies of the Backstreet Boys and N'Sync? With the disappearance of these prepackaged boy bands, everybody gets angry, even though we hated the boy bands anyway. I mean, New Kids on the Block fell apart, and we ended up with Nirvana and Marilyn Manson. Now, if we could only encourange Marilyn to commit suicide we'd be back on the right track.

Use of Rhetorical Questions
Have you noticed that on the whole, the use of rhetorical questions has skyrocketed? Did you realize that I have already asked 8? Does that last one make it 9? Or 10? Can I stop at 11? 12 Please?

Now... to aleve the anger felt by everyone, the good ol' US government has come up with a few solutions as follows:

Attack Iraq
Attack Iraq
Attack Iraq
Attack Iraq
Attack Iraq
Attack Iraq
Attack Iraq

So there you have it... I guess it's just that "time of the month" for our great nation, and a few bombs and boy bands later, we'll all feel a bit better.
---

I eat babies and kill old people.

11-24-2003, 12:50 AM	#1 (permalink)
victim Senior Member Join Date: Nov 2002 Posts: 985 Internets: 10	Once upon a time, I used to maintain a .com website (and when I'm pretending to be productive, I say that I'm still running a .com website)... nonetheless, I did a lot of ranting, rambling, and bullshitting on the site. It's not online right now, but I thought you guys might enjoy it... so... over the next couple of days, I'll post some of it... any-fucking-who: --- Something suspicilicious! 09/25/02 Another day gone by... another post on the main page... I had two options today for my post: I could rant about Iraq, just like the good little political activist type I'd like to be, or ignore pressing world events and talk about iced animal crackers. ICED ANIMAL CRACKERS I love these things quite a bit actually. They're really cheap, have just the right amount of sweetness, and it would be really hard to become morbidly obese from them. I just bought a large box on my fun trip to Walmart Monday, and since then they have become an ever important aspect of my life. They are perfect, I love them. So... being the perfectly logical teenager I am, knowing from experience and grunge music, anything that I love will, almost without exception, cause me tremendous pain, agony, a feeling of emptiness, and tooth decay. There is nothing more horrendous than remembering this, be it the girl of your dreams, your collection of rare and/or pointy weapons, your own grandmother, or even your beloved snack foods. Immediately on the revelation, I decided I must find the inherit evil of these frosted beasts before it is too late. Crackers or Cookies? My intuition first hinted that the evil must lie in the hard-to-classify nature of these snack foods... Are they crackers, or are they cookies? Does anyone really know? I don't! It's disturbing I tell you! It's worse than that time I got lost in an amusement park bathroom! Well, to further investigate.... I checked the dictionary: Cookie - Any of various small sweet flat or slightly raised cakes Cracker - A dry thin crisp bakery product that may be leavened or unleavened and that is made in various shapes ...stupid dictionary, never was good for anything but speling... Provocative Pink Icing Alright, my next item of suspicion was the pink frosting/icing/sugar that coats one side of the cracker/cookies. I try to avoid pink foods in general, they are usually dangerous or promoting some agenda. When I get a pink hamburger, I send it back. Yet, I accept the pink icing as a perfectly acceptable part of the cracker/cookie. A pink bison is not natural! What's next, will I wear a pink shirt to school, paint my nails, or even change my name to Jill and move to Oklahoma? I think I am being set up! THE ICING IS A TRAP, A DIRTY, PINK, DELICIOUS TRAP!!! Undefinable Animal Shapes For something referred to as Animal Crackers/Cookies, there is certain lack of definable animal shapes in the box. Most of 'em appear as flat iced blobs, any I know they aren't making snail and amoeba cracker/cookies. I've seen plain animal crackers with intense amounts of detail, hand carved by elves in the Keebler sweatshops. I'm talking monkeys here people, monkeys with intricate facial expressions. My theory: I'm being brainwashed, so that when the snack company releases the murderous genetically-altered mutant blobs into the country we'll regard them as we do good ol' Uncle Ned, except with the genetic alterations. Illegitimate Nutritional Facts As anyone knows, there is no experience more scary than trying to read ingredients on the side of a box. Turns out my little friends have about 30 ingredients... I don't even have 30 ingredients! I'm not just talking flour and sugar here... we've got all sorts of tongue twisting exiles from a high school chemistry class: * Thiamine Mononitrate * Sodium Acid Pyrophosphate * Titanium Dioxide * Cinnamon After reading this, I feared that my precious crackers may be trying something quite sinister, either poison me, magnetize me, or preserve me to maintain flavor... FLAVOR!?! Well, it turns out, as predicted, the provocatively iced semi-animal cracker/cookie-like food substances, are evil. Another thing I loved down the drain. By drain... I mean mouth... my mouth.... mmmm.... evilicious. I CAN'T WIN! --- Yeah, there you go.
	get off my internet!!!

11-24-2003, 01:52 AM	#2 (permalink)
the Butcher Senior Member Join Date: Nov 2002 Location: that one place...you know, with the fire and damnation? oh yeh, hell. Posts: 895 Internets: 10	The strange thing about that victim, is that I actually remember reading that exact same rant on your website the day it came out. Weird...but extremely true about the evil part.
	meet me at the corner of 5th and pontiac. and make sure that no one else is with you, if you wish to see them alive again.

11-25-2003, 12:55 AM	#4 (permalink)
victim Senior Member Join Date: Nov 2002 Posts: 985 Internets: 10	Butcher: No idea you read the old sexbear... it warms the cavity in my chest where a human heart should be. So, here's another, mmkay? --- Random Acts of Violence 10/04/02 There's a new fad sweeping across America, and no, it's not from Japan or Old Navy. I'm referring to a recent surge of seemingly random acts of not nice things that wind up with people dead, bleeding, or just really upset. This, according to US media giants, is big... I mean... really big, we're talking breaking news here folks. You know they're not exaggerating, they're journalists! They aren't allowed to lie, everything they say has to be right, I mean, they're on TV aren't they? They wouldn't just let Tom Brokaw and Larry King on air to lie, decieve, and sensationalize? I DIDN'T THINK SO! Nonetheless, the past few days have introduced us to many of these things: Woman beats child in department store parking lot. So this woman, in a self proclaimed "isolated incident", decides to punch and beat a 4 year old as a way to vent frustration when the store would not return her stolen merchandise. Why I know you and I both find this a perfectly normal way of releasing anger when you can't pawn off those capri pants, she was caught on camera and the police look down on such things. This woman, has also been referred to as an "irish traveler", which is a nice way of saying "abusive scumbag con". Perhaps someone was right when they said FEAR THE IRISH! 5 Killed in Maryland Shooting Spree At random, 5 people have been killed execution style by 2 suspects in a white van with a high powered rifle. Now... I don't know about you, but being shot in the head is not the way I want to start my Thursday morning, it's really not. I'd rather get up, drink some coffee, perhaps read the paper, walk the dog, and then deal with being randomly murdered. It's just not right folks. Man Enters UN with gun This guy just bypasses security, walks into a courtyard and starts firing into the air and tossing around paperwork. This is opposed to the normal UN actions of creating, losing, and tossing around paperwork, and shooting your self/country in the foot. But what could be making everyone so angry? Why did two friends of mine get in to the most pathetic, sissy, yet absolutely horrific fight I have ever seen? Imagine two non-gay teenage guys slapping each other across the face while swearing at each other. It's incredibly odd. So, I have theorized some ideas why everyone in this country is so ticked off, and if you don't agree, I'll kill you. New Season Of Primetime TV Does everyone still love Raymond now? Why would they when they can watch Celebrity Bootcamp, where washed up icons of the past are forced to march around in fatigues and are harassed by drill sargeants? Wow... I'm feeling angrier already. The Weather Hurricanes have been ravaging Louisiana. Now, having my house destroyed by floodwater or bracing the thought that New Orleans, and all the immorality of Mardi Gras may float out to sea is pretty enraging. Lack of Good Bad Music How can our nation exhibit blind fury and rage when we are being pacified by the mellow harmonies of the Backstreet Boys and N'Sync? With the disappearance of these prepackaged boy bands, everybody gets angry, even though we hated the boy bands anyway. I mean, New Kids on the Block fell apart, and we ended up with Nirvana and Marilyn Manson. Now, if we could only encourange Marilyn to commit suicide we'd be back on the right track. Use of Rhetorical Questions Have you noticed that on the whole, the use of rhetorical questions has skyrocketed? Did you realize that I have already asked 8? Does that last one make it 9? Or 10? Can I stop at 11? 12 Please? Now... to aleve the anger felt by everyone, the good ol' US government has come up with a few solutions as follows: Attack Iraq Attack Iraq Attack Iraq Attack Iraq Attack Iraq Attack Iraq Attack Iraq So there you have it... I guess it's just that "time of the month" for our great nation, and a few bombs and boy bands later, we'll all feel a bit better. --- I eat babies and kill old people.
	get off my internet!!!

11-24-2003, 03:57 AM	#3 (permalink)
sim_flex_x Senior Member Join Date: Feb 2002 Location: St. Pete Posts: 690 Internets: 10	that made me hungry, i love those little cracker/cookies