I, too, have a douchebag for a roommate. He's not as overtly shitty as your's seem to be...but he definitely can be a constant weinerass. Of course, I have to live the remainder of the year with him, so I can't be clearly mean and/or straight with him about my hate. It was this problem that led me to devote a great deal of time to thinking about the issue (dealing with my hatred without him specifically knowing about it)...and possible solutions.
I came up with a few ideas...but the one that I've actually been sticking to for the past few weeks has been what I refer to as "Silent Equalization." Silent Equalization is basically a relatively harmless way to 'even up the score'...if you will. Basically, you just need to come up with a general scale for asshole which can be applied to the roommate(s) in question. A point scale 1-10 can be used for this. Of course, rating a roommate's behavior on a douchebag scale isn't an exact science. Luckily enough, it doesn't have to be.
Once you have a general scale made up, you simply need to reflect on the shit that he has been doing. Give each dickhead action a relative point value on the scale...and, once you think you're thoroughly reflected, tally up the score.
After you figure out how much of an asshole your roommate has been, you need to figure out how much of a Silent Asshole you need to be to successfully equalize the assholism in the environment. To do this, you, once again, assign general 1-10 ratings to various things you can do to even up the score. Once you come up with a few items...and assign them basic values...you simply need to start taking these actions against the motherfucker. After you complete a task, simply deduct the douchebag score of whatever you did from your roommate's total douchebag tally. Keep doing these silent tasks until the score is zero (at which point you rest...content with everything that has unfolded).
You may be asking what exactly you should do to him. The limit is the sky, my friend. The only real rule is that the things you do to him need to fall into one of three different categories. The act must either be undetectable, untraceable, or accidental looking. Of course, you're not going to want to do too many things that look accidental...because you can still be blamed for these things. That said, the occasional accidental assholism is more than acceptable.
Once you have equalized the douchebagitude, you can simply sit back and slowly take your roommate's shenanigans...until his dickhead meter reaches a level which you can no longer stand. When this happens, you go into Secret Asshole mode yourself. Rinse. Wash. Repeat.
Now that we have the guidelines out of the way, I'll apply Silent Equalization to your situation with Kevin. As you probably already realize, my point ratings to Kevin's actions and your point ratings will probably vary. That's normal. Also, my ratings for the Equalizations will vary from your's. Again...completely normal and alright. Simply apply your own ratings and go from there.
Kevin's Sins
Dirties many dishes without cleaning: 3
Douchebag friends come over, mess shit up, don't clean: 6
Deliberately ignored askings to clean up his own mess: 7
Rock band in living room: 10
Total Cockheadery Value: 26
Now that we know how much of a fuck Kevin has been, we need to equalize his behavior. This is where your path and my path probably diverge; however, I'll include a list of my possible retaliations below.
Silent Equalization of Kevin's Sins - 26 Total Points
Piss in Kevin's applejuice: 6
Jerk off into Kevin's shoe: 8
Shave your balls with Kevin's razor: 3
Poke holes in Kevin's condoms: 9
Total: 26 - Equalization Complete.
And there you have it. I'm not saying that it's the absolute best way to deal with a shitty roommate...but it's been working very well for me. Kevin won't know that you've equalized the asshole score, but you most certainly will...and that's really all that matters.
Best of luck with everything.
<font size="1">*Just kidding about all of this.</font>
|