Oh, hi, nubblites, I didn't see you there. Come on in, join me in opening up my hannukah presents!
1) A Santa card. LISTEN, secret moses, I'm JEWISH, I don't celebrate christmas. GOD DAMMIT! Pay attention!
2) On the inside of the card, I've been put in my place. Religously, I mean culturally, shamed. Notice this is PRINTED in the card, not handwritten. I didn't even know they made cards like this. And what do you mean "you people"?
3) Some nice warmup presents, including patriots pens and red sox mardi-gras beads. Excellent.
4) Wow, secret moses, how'd you know I had recently discovered diving? And that my favorite singer was seal? And that I strive to be a badass motherfucker like Bruce?
5) Wowowowowwoowowowowow!!!!!! Judaism's two favorite superheroes, Moses and Batman!!! I'm going to keep them in their case so they accrue value! Fuck that, I'm gonna play with them!!!!!
6) And the pinnacle of my christmas gift, which I will absolutely put into use tomorrow night! It's nerdy. But also fucking cool. JUST LIKE ME!!!!!!!!
Thank you secret santa, you have taught me the true meaning of christmas. I love you. I hope you catch like a million mexicans in 2012. You're wonderful and smart and handsome.
