[TwoBlackEyes]

Dear American Liberals, Leftists, Social Progressives, Socialists, Marxists, et al:

I love how you lump all these groups together. I get the feeling that you have no idea what half of them even believe or stand for.

We have stuck together since the late 1950's, but the whole of this latest election process has made me realize that I want a divorce.

Where did you get that idea? When have communists ever been willing to "stick together" with right-wing conservatives?

I know we tolerated each other for many years for the sake of future generations, but sadly, this relationship has run its course.

Of course you haven't "tolerated" anything. Conservatives have tried to push all dissidents into second-class status for as long as they have been around. "Tolerating" someone else does NOT include passing legislation to criminalize the lifestyles of others.

Our two ideological sides of America cannot and will not ever agree on what is right, so let's just end it on friendly terms. We can smile, slate it up to irreconcilable differences, and go our own ways.

Or, you know, you guys can secede so that you can have slavery and work around that pesky bothersome constitution. That worked so well for you last time.

Here is a model dissolution agreement: Our two groups can equitably divide up the country by landmass each taking a portion. That will be the difficult part, but I am sureour two sides can come to a friendly agreement. After that it should be relatively easy! Our respective representatives can effortlessly divide other assets since both sides have such distinct and disparate tastes. We don't like redistributive taxes so you can keep them. You are welcome to the liberal judges and the ACLU.

Should be interesting to see how your country functions without taxation. I'm sure everyone will be more than happy to go out on the weekends and maintain your infrastructure. And when people lose their jobs, I'm sure you won't mind when they rob you just so they can put food on the table. When your house is burning, you can feel free to negotiate with whatever private firefighting business is in town to see if you can reach a deal on putting out the fire. I'm sure they'll be willing to negotiate a low fee with you.

As for the ACLU, I do like my civil liberties so I think we'd all be glad to keep them around.

Since you hate guns and war, we'll take our firearms, the cops, the NRA, and the military.

How do you intend to pay for those cops and military since you've gotten rid of taxes? We'll go ahead and keep a national guard to protect ourselves from direct aggression. Enjoy funding your foreign wars without the tax income of 2/3 of the country's taxpayers, as the majority of those with higher education voted blue this year, as did the celebrities you malign.

We'll keep the capitalism, greedy corporations, pharmaceutical companies, Wal-Mart, and Wall Street

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Enjoy that. They'll still sell to us when we want them, but we won't have to keep subsidizing them with tax cuts while still paying for their products. Thanks.

You can have your beloved homeless, homeboys, hippies, and illegal aliens

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We'll also keep the majority of educated Americans, thanks.

We'll keep the hot Alaskan Hockey Moms, greedy CEO's, and Rednecks.

I fail to see why you'd want these people, but you seem thrilled to have them, so that's fine. Since red states take more from the government than they pay into it, I'm sure you'll be happy to keep subsidizing them. Blue states cost less than we pay in taxes, so maybe our bleeding hearts will be willing to send you something when you come knocking. Also, Alaska is the #1 biggest tax draining state in the union. Enjoy your maverick.

We'll keep the Bibles and give you NBC and Hollywood.

We clearly win there.

You can make nice with Iran, Palestine ,France, and we'll retain the right to invade and hammer places that threaten us. You can have the peaceniks and war protestors.

Sounds good to us. While you're pissing off the world and making enemies, we can go about our business unnoticed. Sounds awesome.

When our allies or way of life are under assault, we'll provide them job security.

You're going to give job security to your way of life? What?

We'll keep our Judeo-Christian Values.

YAY theocracy. Sounds like Judeo-Christian hell.

You are welcome to Islam, Scientology, Humanism, and Shirley McClain.

No thank you. We'll take rational atheism though. Islam and Scientology are both right-wing, thanks.

You can have the U.N. but we will no longer be paying the bill.

Don't worry. You aren't paying the bill. You're a drain on the tax system.

We'll keep the SUV's, pickup trucks, and oversized luxury cars. You can take every Toyota Prius you can find.

Great. I'll actually be able to find a parking space and our gas will be far cheaper.

You can give everyone healthcare, if you can find any practicing Doctors (that is practicing, Howard Dean) who will follow to your turf (sic). We'll continue to believe healthcare is a luxury and not a right.

So while half your population is dying from treatable illness, we'll just have to "settle" for the standard of healthcare that third world countries like Canada (and the rest of Europe) enjoy. Oh darn.

We'll keep The Battle Hymn of the Republic and The National Anthem.

We'll keep almost all of the decent music created in the last 100 years. Damn all those stupid lefty musicians!

We'll practice trickle-down economics, and you can give trickle-up poverty its best shot.

You can practice a proven failure of an economic system, and we'll actually use taxes to help the people.

Since it often so offends you we'll keep our History, our Name, and our Flag.

Of course those things don't offend us. What offends us is what YOU are trying to turn them into. If you'd stop embarrassing us, we'd be more proud of those things.

Would you agree to this?

In general, yes. But the world doesn't need another Iran, so it's probably a bad idea.

In the spirit of friendly parting, I'll bet you anything on who will need whose help in 15 years.

Ha, I would take that bet in a heartbeat