Plenty of Cows, but no calves?

[Ironic Mustache]

This post will delve into the data I recently compiled while completely wasting my life in a cubicle. Now, when I refer to my coworkers as "cows", it serves more than just the purpose of illustrating their physical appearance. It also refers to the herd mentality they so proudly possess. And I could swear I've seen many of these women chew their food and swallow it, only to regurgitate it later and chew it again. Or maybe they just eat all fucking day. Or graze, what ever the case may be. Remember, these are the women that complain constantly about not being able to lose weight, forgetting that they just got back from the local Wendy's/Taco Bell/Jimboy's/McDonalds/Macaroni Grill, and forgetting the bag of chips stashed under their desk, forgetting the bowls of chocolate candies placed every 5 feet in the office, and forgetting the feeding outside at the roach coach every morning at 9:30. One of these women went as far as having liposuction done on her waist and thighs, only to gain it all back within a matter of weeks because she refuses to get rid of the mini-fridge under her desk. Yes, she has a mini-fridge under her desk. I can't get a chair that rolls smoothly or a fan to divert the smell of bare feet, but she has a fridge next to her at all times. Don't even ask how many times this fridge has shorted out our side of the office, because no one seems to care enough to remove it themselves and drop it on the head of this self important twat.

While I'm thinking about it, what's up with all the bare feet? You showed up this morning with shoes, what the fuck happened to them? You think because you're a woman that your feet are something special to behold? I don't want to look at them. Besides, they're covered in fucking calluses and toe nail polish that even a hooker wouldn't wear. Cover that shit up. When we're huddled in a smaller office for our meetings, and you have to sit next to one of these ladies, they will always fold their legs to appear lady-like, and in the process will actually elevate their nasty ass feet off the floor to give you a better look. Fuck that. Even if you do take care of your feet, waddling around in leather sandals all day will certainly not help them smell any better. And find a pair of open toed shoes that actually have the capacity to hold ALL of your toes. None of this "Don't you just love the straps on these pumps? Never mind that pinky toe being torn from the rest of my foot while I drag it along the floor, these shoes are too cute!” Bitch, get a clue. In 30 years that toe (which lends itself to help you keep your balance) will rebel and fall the fuck off just to spite you. Would you wear a pair of pants that cut off circulation to your lower extremities just to look cute? Aha! You know what? Fuck it all. Get some socks, get a pair of shoes (with laces) and shut the fuck up about your pedicure you wasteful cunt. I feel sorry for the Asian that has to endure that mess. Moving on...

Understand that there are a few choice females here, just not many. Maybe 3, out of 75 people. They are the ones that successfully manage their food intake from day to day, maybe even work out, thereby giving me something to think about when I manipulate myself in the men's bathroom. But after doing extensive research and compiling hundreds of mental notes, I made one startling discovery about the women here. They have no calves. Whether they are tall, short, fat, extra fat, or slim, none of them have calves. I was shocked. I would have expected the slim ones to have a little tone considering they don't have an extra 200 lbs of lard hanging from their knees. But not a single calf is visible in this office. I don't get it. And for those of you that don't suffer from Cankleitis, I'm sure you're not far off. Hit the stairs, and then the showers, because your feet smell like ass. That’s right, I went there.

[MAGICLIT]

Very nice rant Satche, I don't suffer from cankleitis but i will walk up and down my stairs today when i get home to make sure the problem never occurs, maybe i will even purge my lunch for the first time (sober) who knows.........

[bloodyfart]

"Yes, she has a mini-fridge under her desk"

that is unfuckingbelievable. she might as well keep an iv in at all times.

about the feet, we have a no bare feet policy here. you can ask your boss about it. bare feet are a work hazard for the employer because people can cut their feet on something on the floor and sue. emphasize the liability of the situation to the high ups and maybe people will have to keep their shoes on.

what i find much worse than cankles are the coffee drinking smokers that dont use mints. they come into my office and close the door to talk about something, and when they leave, it smells like they took a shit on one of my chairs.

[Ironic Mustache]

Dude I have a huge problem with the smokers in elevators. I never noticed it until after I quit, but even if they aren't in the elevator (but had been recently) the whole thing fucking reaks.

[MAGICLIT]

when did u quit? thats my next step, I've cut back to 5 cigs a day which is pretty good, I think after this pack im done.....

[bloodyfart]

everything a smoker touches smells like shit. they just stop realizing it.

magic, if you are down to five a day, you are good to go on quitting.

[MAGICLIT]

yeah i think so too.

[Ironic Mustache]

Don't let this non-smoker put false hopes in your head. You're on the right track, but it doesn't really get hard until you realize that you' ve smoked your last cigarette EVER. Then it a few days later it finally stops hurting as much.

Not to discourage you, but this isn't something you can take lightly otherwise you'll just start again thinking you can quit whenever you want. You can't quit whenever you want, it's fucking hard.

I finally quit about 2-3 months ago. I don't really even think about it anymore except under extreme circumstances but even then it's fairly easy to control. It pretty much disgusts me to be around now.

Also, I've heard people say (and said myself many times) "this is my last pack."

What's stopping you from quitting now? Smoke your last cigarette, enjoy it and throw the rest away. If you're serious about quitting then you will, if not you'll just waste money on another pack.

[ May 25, 2005, 11:51 AM: Message edited by: Ironic Mustache ]

[bloodyfart]

ninja is right

[Ironic Mustache]

I wish I could change my name back to I'm-a-ninja on here. I just don't feel the same as "Ironic Mustache." When you post under a screen name for 18,000 posts you tend to become one with that name.

[bloodyfart]

oh so true, but i dont think bjjking would do well here.

[Ironic Mustache]

and what of likesitintherear?

[bloodyfart]

i didnt want to bring all the drama that bjjking had, so i changed it.

my gay screename is to piss off homophobes, a groups that has an overwhelming presence in this sport.

[Ironic Mustache]

You can partially thank www.matbattle.com for that one.

[bloodyfart]

i actually think that site is funny.

[MAGICLIT]

wow, so you guys probably roll around wrestling gay guys all the time huh? half naked too right? hmmm..............

[Ironic Mustache]

Sadly that's a fair description.

[bloodyfart]

i just looked at that site again. i wonder is luke beston is behind it.

[Deadly Crescent Kick]

haha. luke is the best not a troll.

"In 30 years that toe (which lends itself to help you keep your balance) will rebel and fall the fuck off just to spite you."

that is pure poetry.

you should "accidentally" drop a box of tacs, pins or staples near her desk.

[ May 26, 2005, 09:02 AM: Message edited by: Deadly Crescent Kick ]

[Deadly Crescent Kick]

well, i suppose there are checks and balances to everything. while my job sucks ass,i have a disproportionate amount of hot, young, single chicks in my department. of course, this is torture for me. my office is pretty crazy. the girl that sits next to me is like a hot tomboy. we fight at work all the time and i show her takedowns, rear naked etc... there are plenty of hefers around, but i've been blessed (or cursed) for some reason.

side note:

i caught my friend snorting oxycotin at his desk on my way to the bathroom.

[Ironic Mustache]

Interesting.

Hey how does that work with the girls? Would it ever be possible to bring yet a THIRD girl into the mix? Or would that bring the whole jealously factor back?

[bloodyfart]

yeah, i was wondering that too. are they worried one more person will make the boat sink?

[Ironic Mustache]

By the way for all of you that don't know the story yet, Deadly Crescent Kick is in a committed 3-way relationship with two chicks. They all live together, and yes his chicks dyke out from time to time.

[MAGICLIT]

Wow, lucky guy, how did that happen? Were you with one and met the other or did they find you?

[Ironic Mustache]

He was with one and she started making out with the other one, and then DCK locked himself in the bathroom with them both and hooked it up proper.