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victim · 11-24-2003, 12:50 AM

Once upon a time, I used to maintain a .com website (and when I'm pretending to be productive, I say that I'm still running a .com website)... nonetheless, I did a lot of ranting, rambling, and bullshitting on the site. It's not online right now, but I thought you guys might enjoy it... so... over the next couple of days, I'll post some of it... any-fucking-who:

---
Something suspicilicious! 09/25/02

Another day gone by... another post on the main page...

I had two options today for my post:
I could rant about Iraq, just like the good little political activist type I'd like to be, or ignore pressing world events and talk about iced animal crackers.

ICED ANIMAL CRACKERS
I love these things quite a bit actually. They're really cheap, have just the right amount of sweetness, and it would be really hard to become morbidly obese from them. I just bought a large box on my fun trip to Walmart Monday, and since then they have become an ever important aspect of my life. They are perfect, I love them. So... being the perfectly logical teenager I am, knowing from experience and grunge music, anything that I love will, almost without exception, cause me tremendous pain, agony, a feeling of emptiness, and tooth decay. There is nothing more horrendous than remembering this, be it the girl of your dreams, your collection of rare and/or pointy weapons, your own grandmother, or even your beloved snack foods. Immediately on the revelation, I decided I must find the inherit evil of these frosted beasts before it is too late.

Crackers or Cookies?
My intuition first hinted that the evil must lie in the hard-to-classify nature of these snack foods... Are they crackers, or are they cookies? Does anyone really know? I don't! It's disturbing I tell you! It's worse than that time I got lost in an amusement park bathroom! Well, to further investigate.... I checked the dictionary:
Cookie - Any of various small sweet flat or slightly raised cakes
Cracker - A dry thin crisp bakery product that may be leavened or unleavened and that is made in various shapes
...stupid dictionary, never was good for anything but speling...

Provocative Pink Icing
Alright, my next item of suspicion was the pink frosting/icing/sugar that coats one side of the cracker/cookies. I try to avoid pink foods in general, they are usually dangerous or promoting some agenda. When I get a pink hamburger, I send it back. Yet, I accept the pink icing as a perfectly acceptable part of the cracker/cookie. A pink bison is not natural! What's next, will I wear a pink shirt to school, paint my nails, or even change my name to Jill and move to Oklahoma? I think I am being set up! THE ICING IS A TRAP, A DIRTY, PINK, DELICIOUS TRAP!!!

Undefinable Animal Shapes
For something referred to as Animal Crackers/Cookies, there is certain lack of definable animal shapes in the box. Most of 'em appear as flat iced blobs, any I know they aren't making snail and amoeba cracker/cookies. I've seen plain animal crackers with intense amounts of detail, hand carved by elves in the Keebler sweatshops. I'm talking monkeys here people, monkeys with intricate facial expressions. My theory: I'm being brainwashed, so that when the snack company releases the murderous genetically-altered mutant blobs into the country we'll regard them as we do good ol' Uncle Ned, except with the genetic alterations.

Illegitimate Nutritional Facts
As anyone knows, there is no experience more scary than trying to read ingredients on the side of a box. Turns out my little friends have about 30 ingredients... I don't even have 30 ingredients! I'm not just talking flour and sugar here... we've got all sorts of tongue twisting exiles from a high school chemistry class:

* Thiamine Mononitrate
* Sodium Acid Pyrophosphate
* Titanium Dioxide
* Cinnamon

After reading this, I feared that my precious crackers may be trying something quite sinister, either poison me, magnetize me, or preserve me to maintain flavor... FLAVOR!?!
Well, it turns out, as predicted, the provocatively iced semi-animal cracker/cookie-like food substances, are evil. Another thing I loved down the drain. By drain... I mean mouth... my mouth.... mmmm.... evilicious.
I CAN'T WIN!
---

Yeah, there you go.

11-24-2003, 12:50 AM	#1 (permalink)
victim Senior Member Join Date: Nov 2002 Posts: 985 Internets: 10	Once upon a time, I used to maintain a .com website (and when I'm pretending to be productive, I say that I'm still running a .com website)... nonetheless, I did a lot of ranting, rambling, and bullshitting on the site. It's not online right now, but I thought you guys might enjoy it... so... over the next couple of days, I'll post some of it... any-fucking-who: --- Something suspicilicious! 09/25/02 Another day gone by... another post on the main page... I had two options today for my post: I could rant about Iraq, just like the good little political activist type I'd like to be, or ignore pressing world events and talk about iced animal crackers. ICED ANIMAL CRACKERS I love these things quite a bit actually. They're really cheap, have just the right amount of sweetness, and it would be really hard to become morbidly obese from them. I just bought a large box on my fun trip to Walmart Monday, and since then they have become an ever important aspect of my life. They are perfect, I love them. So... being the perfectly logical teenager I am, knowing from experience and grunge music, anything that I love will, almost without exception, cause me tremendous pain, agony, a feeling of emptiness, and tooth decay. There is nothing more horrendous than remembering this, be it the girl of your dreams, your collection of rare and/or pointy weapons, your own grandmother, or even your beloved snack foods. Immediately on the revelation, I decided I must find the inherit evil of these frosted beasts before it is too late. Crackers or Cookies? My intuition first hinted that the evil must lie in the hard-to-classify nature of these snack foods... Are they crackers, or are they cookies? Does anyone really know? I don't! It's disturbing I tell you! It's worse than that time I got lost in an amusement park bathroom! Well, to further investigate.... I checked the dictionary: Cookie - Any of various small sweet flat or slightly raised cakes Cracker - A dry thin crisp bakery product that may be leavened or unleavened and that is made in various shapes ...stupid dictionary, never was good for anything but speling... Provocative Pink Icing Alright, my next item of suspicion was the pink frosting/icing/sugar that coats one side of the cracker/cookies. I try to avoid pink foods in general, they are usually dangerous or promoting some agenda. When I get a pink hamburger, I send it back. Yet, I accept the pink icing as a perfectly acceptable part of the cracker/cookie. A pink bison is not natural! What's next, will I wear a pink shirt to school, paint my nails, or even change my name to Jill and move to Oklahoma? I think I am being set up! THE ICING IS A TRAP, A DIRTY, PINK, DELICIOUS TRAP!!! Undefinable Animal Shapes For something referred to as Animal Crackers/Cookies, there is certain lack of definable animal shapes in the box. Most of 'em appear as flat iced blobs, any I know they aren't making snail and amoeba cracker/cookies. I've seen plain animal crackers with intense amounts of detail, hand carved by elves in the Keebler sweatshops. I'm talking monkeys here people, monkeys with intricate facial expressions. My theory: I'm being brainwashed, so that when the snack company releases the murderous genetically-altered mutant blobs into the country we'll regard them as we do good ol' Uncle Ned, except with the genetic alterations. Illegitimate Nutritional Facts As anyone knows, there is no experience more scary than trying to read ingredients on the side of a box. Turns out my little friends have about 30 ingredients... I don't even have 30 ingredients! I'm not just talking flour and sugar here... we've got all sorts of tongue twisting exiles from a high school chemistry class: * Thiamine Mononitrate * Sodium Acid Pyrophosphate * Titanium Dioxide * Cinnamon After reading this, I feared that my precious crackers may be trying something quite sinister, either poison me, magnetize me, or preserve me to maintain flavor... FLAVOR!?! Well, it turns out, as predicted, the provocatively iced semi-animal cracker/cookie-like food substances, are evil. Another thing I loved down the drain. By drain... I mean mouth... my mouth.... mmmm.... evilicious. I CAN'T WIN! --- Yeah, there you go.
	get off my internet!!!