[AcTivE]

i believe that somewhere out of nowhere, something wanted to exist

really, i think this is just a phislosophical idea placed in my head by my brain, and it will pass...but it doesn't. it continues throughout in my thinking, not really understanding what it means, but in a sense, feeling it all along as i go

i don't even come to understand the above at all, until about 7th-8th grade, when i learn that people can think for themselves, and come up with ideas in their heads...that other people will follow, simply because it makes sense, to THEM.

Religion? I've grown up with it all along. Good stories, and always kept me thinking through about Tuesday about how I should change my life, and live like Noah (yea, I don't remember anymore).

10-12 years of that, will start to build an impression on you, regardless if you want it or not. i remember often times not WANTING to believe what was told me at some service, simply because it did not fit my lifestyle.

It would still effect me somewhat, through monday or tuesday or so, but it was not really a change in my life i could really accept, and put into my life...at age 15, lets get serious, why the hell does it even matter?

pretty much that's it for religion, except i know 10-12 years of random sunday school lessons...

so, education pretty much has overrun religion. world now is so much more different than it was then. there can be so many interpretations....of everything, why should i believe this single, isolated, teaching, that has led me in a specific, unwillingly, guided--direction, to, christianity.

i don't believe it. it's bullshit, so much other things exist, because they are, and i know them. they are right there. india? i could look up on the internet and find out how many people are believeing in reincarnation, how can so many people be led in a direction like that--SOOO many *truly* believe that IS

then i start thinking about why i'm even thinking about any of this. why have i even spent the time, to contemplate any of this? has education led me to the point, where i spend time trying to come up with shit--just because i've read about other people doing it?

i decided, sure. then i started thinking about why there was everything that there has been--in my life. it has all led me to a point of thinking, what i am right now. is this some philosophical idea i'm trying to bullshit around with? i don't know, but i continue.

Well here i am, I'm, right now, and I wonder about existence---and why I am even able to think—really, wonder what a ‘thought’ even is.

alrighty, back to, i believe that somewhere out of nowhere, something wanted to exist

From there, I get these fucked ideas about why I’m even coming to thinking about why I am even ‘thinking’

Make sense? Probably not, but anyways, it’s what I believe.

Continuing…I’m thinking about everything because I’m searching, somewhere all of these thoughts that I’m having are directed towards somethinG. I want to discover what it is, that makes me who I am.

Currently science tells me about the cell—from birth…that’s where I come from, that’s who I am. Everything a person ever is, is contained within one cell, that just develops…into what anyone is.

but to me, it’s beyond that, because I’m smart enough to think about that CELL developing.

That’s the whole reason science exists, right? Because people know so much about the world, they see how it happens, because that is the way it IS, right?

Oh yea, I learned about science. That’s weird…I’m just a person developed from a single cell…everything that I’m ever am is going to come from that cell. That’s messed up a cell would ever develop to the point that it would need to reason with itself about it’s existence, but…

Then what the hell am I doing?

I suddenly decide to place an abstract idea in my head—something that does not line up to the ‘laws’ and ‘physics’ of these world as I know so well—because, why would existence—beginning, a cell, ever want to develop to a point where it’s not centrally focused around reproducing itself, multiplying, using the resources it has—to it’s full extent.

That’s where evolution comes from…right? Something developing, multiplying, reproducing, to a point where it can most easily take advantage of the resources they have…

People aren’t that—or am I simply a cell in existence, trying to form an idea against something that just is, survival. Do I have all these ideas in my head, just to continue existence—for whatever the hell reason, like evolution tells me.

I finally make a decision, I decide that I am more than that, and I am thinking on my own—for a reason right now.

The abstract idea of something so big—that I don’t even understand, that passes beyond my belief, of even ‘gravity’ –because it doesn’t exist, it’s only something that we ‘feel’ because….it is, and it’s what needed to be there, to get us to the point that we needed to be

I think of something greater, and how in my understanding, there could never be ‘something’ that could ever be made to love you. It’s a terrible idea even when I’m reading it now, but I’m accepting to it, because I can feel it now, and I know there is better.

Why would a God ever do anything like make plagues, sickness, disease---ALL OVER? That’s pretty fucking cruel, I wouldn’t ever worship a God like that, right?

Of course this is all from my 10-12 years of learning, that has even placed the idea of a ‘God’ into my head to begin with—but I’ll go with it—because a lot of other people seemed to be concerned about religion, there is some sort of ‘higher power’ –and to me, I will understand him as an existence, called, ‘God’

Just to clear that up for anyone that may not be on the same page as me J

I think about my own understanding, of happiness, and sadness. They are obviously two different things, one better than the other….

If there were a God, why would he allow thousands to die?

I’ve stopped thinking that, and decided to start thanking God for allowing me to see, good things, and bad things.

I’m existing, and being able to distinguish between things I want, and do not want.

Say I was controlling everything, would I create something that would cause soooo much trouble for itself, unless I gave it a reason?

To me, I would say—yes, there would be a reason for me to do that.

Then I understand. Then I can begin to feel what the tree of ‘Good’ and ‘Evil’ from the story of Adam and Eve truly mean to me.

That’s where it all started, and it makes so much sense. A loving God made people, with free will, they were able to do whatever they want, and live in paradise forever, or eat from the tree.
I think of a perfect world, something living within it…. and I giving it free will. In a perfect environment, I would understand how, eventually, it would want to leave, just to see what there was.

Suddenly I understand that existence needs to have a feeling, Good or Bad, to persist, otherwise….there is nothing.

People could live in paradise forever, without ever feeling any pain—but would it mean anything? Not until I was able to get to a point where I even understood that paiN even existed.

I come to a point with myself. I feel that I have reasoned through it with myself logically, and decide to believe in a higher power, ‘God’. I decide to just put the ‘religion’ ideas into place in my head…then I start to feel that they do make sense.

A lot has happened in the past with the ‘human race’, but one thing has persisted, which is ‘sin’, ‘evil’, ‘bad’, whatever you want to call it—which cannot exist in a perfect world. I understand that this cannot persist in a perfect world, and decide that there must be some way to ‘rid’ oneself of such evil so to speak, to be able to live within this perfect world.

I put myself in the ‘creators’ position, and decide that if I was doing it, I would make people believe in a ‘belief’ that was something higher than them. Something that they could feel within themselves, at any moment, a persisting feeling—that led them to him.

It’s a perfect plan, if I was the creator. Good and evil exists, so being can ‘be’, and know how it was, but no longer experience it—NOW is perfect.

All of a sudden, deciding Christianity is my thing, because I believe in this savior, and have understood him to be what he is to me, I wonder about what the hell is going on with everyone else…

I am finally satisfied with the idea that if I put myself in the position of the creator—was the perfect being of existence, created a world for ‘existence’ to play itself out in, --and something was so caught up in itself not to believe that there ever was something perfect—that’d I’d just let it go. That’s how they wanted to live their lives out, it’s free will, they never wanted more.

I thank Jesus for showing me him, forgiveness from sin, and a gateway to a perfect world. I’m pissed off now, but I understand that it is, because it needs to be, because it is his perfect plan.

***

oh, and by the way, don't make any replies to this picking it apart. it's what i believe, and i truly don't care what you do. i've come to a point with myself where no one else can reason with me--unless they go beyond what i feel i have done. i guess everyone gets to that point, don't they [img]smile.gif[/img] ? just different places...

[ February 08, 2004, 04:56 AM: Message edited by: AcTivE ]