this is a letter I wrote to myself a while ago. feel free to make fun of it...I didn't originally intend on giving it to anyone else to read
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Why am I depessed?
Wow, how great is it to feel awesome, when a little bit ago you felt so shitty. It almost seems that it didn't make sense that you felt bad to begin with. Hmm.
It is good that you take things into consideration for the value that they hold. What a great grand thing it is to be able to differentiate between things that you like and do not like. It is also a good thing that you seem to progressing towards holding onto the things that make you happy instead of sad. You are writing this out right now so that you can read it later and try to find the logic behind how you could be perfectly content at the time of writing this--even though there are all the reasons not to, --the ones you are focusing on right now. This should be enough to show you that you are aware that ideas in themselves can change the way you feel.
It would seem to me, at least right now, that the logic behind feeling bad--and not being able to "turn it off", or "just stop feeling bad", is that the problems seem so real. The reason for this is that everything your body and mind are tellling you give substantial evidence that being any other way is contrary to how it should be. After all, there are a stack of reasons that there is absoultey nothing to be "happy" about. You are reacting to what your brain says, instead of being the happiness you find when those problems are not there. If you can find the strength within yourself to go against the refuge found in emotions and the effect they have on what you believe should/shouldn't be happening, I am pretty sure you'll find what true "happiness" is. You are never going to be a happy person if you have a thought in your head (and that you ACCEPT as being true) that gives you a reason not to be.
You are naturally going to think it is stupid to tell yourself "I don't need to feel bad about this, I can just decide not be!", but that is only because the problems seems so relevant and real that you can't be any other way unless something changes. Then you let yourself fall into thinking about how much better it would be if things were different than the way they are right now. As soon as you find something that makes things different, you normally chase after it to fix the problem. You need to understand that it is going to be difficult for you "just decide not to feel bad", because in your mind you have a solution that would make everything better, if it just happened. See this for what it is, and be pissed at yourself for letting yourself be apart it. You can not control things that happen to you, but you can control the reaction that you give to it. Hopefully, once you recognize yourself for who you are at this very moment, you can have the confidence to look at the actions you choose to take. Decide if what actions you are taking are ultimately going to be a positive thing for who they will make you become, or rather if they are destructive in the limits they will impose on your growth. Making any decisions only because they they solve the problem right now, is letting go of any reason to do otherwise, and will make you fall victim to any consquences of the haste decision that has been made out of ignorance.
"Hear" the reason behind telling yourself what you know is true. Make it real.
oh yea, and btw, stop being a sissy.
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do you have a cell/phone george? this might be completely gay...but whatever. i think it's a good thing to have someone else know what you are going through, at least makes you not feel completely isolated in the situation.
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