Not bad, sentences flow well, you sound like a writer. Good job at setting a tone of "Deprivation" i guess, if thats what youre going for. But thats where the complements end.
Where the fuck is this going? A murder mystery? love story? A game of clue, where the scary/oddball/dying millionaire pits people against eachother to win money or carry on his business? Right now it sounds like a million other stories.
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Without really knowing what I’m doing I stand up and walk over to her. My brain is screaming at me to stop but my legs keep going until I’m standing in front of her.
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This seems totally out of character. Feels like something you tacked on and a desperate ploy to keep the plot moving. They need to meet under different circumstances.
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I reach out a trembling hand and punch in the numbers: 345204.
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Is this guy a huge faggot or what?
Keep at it, but don't quit your dayjob until I give you the thumbs-up.