Sentence structure is a little lacking. Of course, you don't want to over do it, but occassionaly it felt as though i was reading something on the fourth grade level. Becareful using verbs repeatedly that are close together. I noticed "pop" back to back in two sentences and something else. Working on this now, will develop your vocabulary and make writing as an illustration easier. i don't think anyone pops system of a down. it just sounds corny.
Overall, the story is intriguing. Yes it felt similar to other stories but had a different feel underneath. It just needs more development like carnivorous said. I think this story could be something, and despite the little I got I feel as though you could deliver much more.
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