I don't know if you are proofreading for grammatical errors or not, but you have some major comma splices and you use "then instead of "than" in several places. I really like the story so far and find myself wanting more. I think the story will produce a good line, just make sure there are plenty of unexpected happenings. I think it is an interesting idea and could work for you. I read alot of books, especially fiction, and I think this could be something.
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