I'm gonna give my speech at the beginning, since most you will probably just scroll through the pictures.
Bread is fucking easy to make. Human civilization finally took off once we discovered agriculture, roughly 10,000-11,000 years ago. Our first big discovery was selectively planting grain seeds that *didn't explode, to spread their seed*, rather than *exploding, to spread their seed*. In this way we harvested that nutritious seed, allowing us to grind it down and make bread, mostly. The same idea followed to every other facet of food. While this is a
vast over-generalization- if human evolution is of any interest to you, read "Guns, Germs, and Steel" by Jared Diamond. It's non-technical and pop-culture-friendly- meaning you won't get bored, and might actually learn something.
Back to bread.
This shit is retardedly easy to make. FLOUR, YEAST, and WATER. Plus a little sugar and salt. Most of us can do complex math, yet most of us buy our bread at the local grocery.
Fresh bread tastes better than jebuz's cum. Don't believe me? First try this recipe, than go and suck off a demi-god.
But seriously, start making this bread during mid-afternoon, as it takes a while to rise...then forget about it a while and start drinking like you normally do. By the time you remember about the bread, go ahead and stick it in the oven. By the time it's done you'll be drunk as fuck, the PERFECT time to consume a delicious anthropological artifact. Plus, when it comes out of the oven, other drunkards will flock to you like the salmon of capistrano. I have
often used this method to feed drunken hordes who would have otherwise blacked out in my living room. As it was, I sent them on their way with a delicious prize and food-bulk to absorb their alcohol.
Back to the bread. Seriously attempt this. If you can't do this, you're not a human being.
Stage I: "the Mixing"
These are the things you need.
Begin my activating the yeast. Yeast is fungus. They need something to feed off of, to reproduce from-
sugar is porn for fungus.
1/4 cup lukewarm water + a packet of yeast + a small handful of white sugar.
Cover and place in a warm place. After 15 minutes you'll see the yeast begin to rise.
Wait until it has doubled in volume.
Add about a cup of water.
Add about a cup of flour.
Mix a bit. Add a bit of sugar, to taste. These past few steps [flour/water/mixing] can be repeated many times.] The more bread you want, the more flour and water you'll need to add near the beginning. One packet of yeast will easily eat 6 cups of flour...which will need at least 2-3 ups of water to form a dough. Sugar and salt to taste, though not needed, is tasty!
Pour yourself a glass of whiskey (this step is important!), then beat that mixture like you just got the new S.I. swimsuit addition...
KNEADING! This is the key step to producing decent bread.
Step 1: scoop.
Step 2: fold.
Step 3: punch. NOW, repeat the past three steps about 30-40 times. Kneading is basically massaging the bread. This process transforms it from a sticky blend of shit into a cohesive mass of bread. The folding and pressing binds together unseen molecules. KEY POINT!- if the dough is sticky, add a bit of flour, duh. As you press and fold more and more, it'll get sticky again...just add more flour- this is natural.
Stage II: "the Rising"
Put your properly processed dough into a bowl to rise. Ninja's placed for visual only.
They do not add to the taste.
Cover, and place in a warm place to rise. A perfect time to pre-heat your oven to 375 degrees.
After about 30 minutes. Feel free to punch down, then let rise again.
This techinique is like a small child- if you punch them too much, they'll end up being
flat and hard, but if you only hit them occasionaly- in just the right amount- still letting them
grow into their own individual....well that's one tasty child!
Punched once, 30 more minutes, further rising...
Grease a flat pan. You can use a bread pan if you'd like. Fuck, you can use anything. Lay down some greased tin foil if you want... seperate that shit into muffin pans... mold it into the face of yr favorite tv star, I really don't give a shit.
Form into a loaf. Or a lots of little rolls. Anything really. It's fucking bread, versatile as Reggie Miller... this shiz will seriously impress your family, mum, or significant other.
Slit a pattern into the top. I use horizontal cuts to help with slicing. 45 degree cuts are used in traditional french bread. Again, do whatever you'd like. Shape the bread into a giant cock and use a knife to 'circumcise' the bread, if that's what gets you off...
Cook that shit. About 30-45 minutes, depending on the size of your loaf.
This photo taken after about 30 minutes.
After about 50 minutes- I was drunk by this time- and making useless posts on nubblies, so it overcooked by about 5 minutes. Whatever- still tastes better than anything you can buy- yet alone at 1/5 the cost! Remove from the pan to a cooling area as soon as possible, otherwise it'll keep cooking on the pan...
Minutes after I took this photo, I proceeded to chop up and eat half the loaf. If you've never had fresh bread, you haven't lived. This recipe is EASY, and even if it comes out looking like frankenstein, it'll get better each time. Practice makes perfect, but experimentation feeds the mind. Do both and you might get somewhere.
Fresh baked bread, for assholes.