Finally, after much frustration and a constant need to check the updated status of my tracking number, I received my present yesterday. It was a fairly non-descript package at first glance:
Upon closer inspection, I noticed something very special... My secret santa apparently lives on the same street as I, but in an entirely different state. This was going to be sweet as honey laced shit truffles.
My knee jerk reaction was to rip into the packaging with the strength and fervor of an out of shape, less than average stature 27 year old weakling, but I knew that would be a mistake. I decided to take my time and savor the opening:
I was not disappointed... I was greated by one of the most angelic faces I've ever seen in my life. If not for the return address on the front of the picture I would have been sure that Adonis himself was my secret santa. The packaging was suddenly constricting my gift and I needed it out of its prison quickly so as to better appreciate it. It was a large 8 1/2 x 11 picture frame (of the best quality I might add), housing the aforementioned Adonis' picture. Taped to the middle was a bag of what I can only assume to be hair of the pubic variety. On either side of the frame were two candles. Upon closer inspection of the name tag on the picture, I discovered this beautiful creature's name to be quite fitting: Sex Kitten
I had struck gold with my first present but knew I had to venture on to see what other treasures awaited me. Again I was not disappointed! A set of scented lotion and bath gels:
Also, a king's fortune of aromatic bath oil balls. Please excuse my shoddy photography:
There was one last thing for me to open at the bottom of that treasure chest of a gift. It was an envelope with my name (Ironic Mustacher) scrawled across the front, in some heavenly handwritten font the likes of which will never again be duplicated. I was awestruck:
Inside was a note that was somehow able to convey the true spirit of Christmas in just one sentence:
Merry Christmas,
I hope you enjoy your [something] and bathroom shrine kit.
Love,
Santa
As I sat blissfully reveling in the reality of what I had just received, the ol' lady walks in to admire the handywork of such an awesome secret santa.
"Are those pubes? Fucking gross. Put that back in the box and get it out of here."
She just doesn't understand... I figured that was not the time to ask her to take a picture of me in the bathtub using my gift, but perhaps some day.......................
Thank you secret santa, you have made 2008 the most glorious of Christmas' EVER!!!!!!!!!!