I unchained Jesus this morning to find the only thing keeping him from being gutted open were a few mere Band-Aids.
Let's gut this motherfucker open and see what's inside, shall we?
Why... it's a miniature Santa Claus, a coin featuring a woman's face and tits on one side (heads) and her ass on the other side (tails), a pretty nice looking pen that vibrates when you click on it rather than dispense ink, some weird ornament featuring an unidenfiable cartoon character, and three poker chips with small holes cut through the middle.
Above and beyond the call of duty, Santa. My gift came with seemingly endless wonders.