HO FUCKING HO COCKBAGS
Gather 'round while Santa tells you a tale ...
The tale of the first Nubblite and the real meaning of Nubblies Christmas. In the beginning, in a land truly without time, there was a mighty man named
Nubblor. Because of his ferocity he was often referred to simply as "the Bear". He stalked the countryside of prehistoric Europa and through the sands of Arabia slaying all that dared stand before him; men, beasts, and gods alike fell under his wrath. He fought for many causes, many of which were still meaningless in the ancient world ... but Nubblor's instinctual morality transcended what we refer to as time.
In his travels Nubblor came to the little town of Bethlehem on the very eve of Christ's birth. His foresight had granted him knowledge of a beast approaching from the South; the greatest lion in all of Africa had been sent by the Devil himself to slay the Christ child. Nubblor knew the Devil had imbued the lion with all the evils of the world and that only he would be able to stop it.
Nubblor had long ago stowed away the souls of the old gods, today he would call on their fading wisdom to defeat the lion. Knowing that no weapon crafted by man or god could harm the demon and no armor could protect him from its wrath, Nubblor chose to meet the lion unarmed and unarmored in combat.
Nubblor the Bear, did meet the lion in battle having summoned the powers of all things good in this world. The battle was long and arduous, the details of which have been portrayed in antiquities spanning the entire globe and all of human history:
While all accounts of the battle vary, one truth is universally known: Nubblor achieved victory by grasping his might arms around the mane of the massive lion and squeezing with such force that the lion's neck was utterly pulverized.
After this great feat, Nubblor consecrated his glorious victory - bedding some 200-300 virgins in one night ... the night that would come be known as Christmas.
THIS IS WHY WE CELEBRATE
For we are all descendants of Nubblor "the Sexbear," and it was our destiny to follow the road which led us here.