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04-29-2005, 07:27 PM
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#1 (permalink) |
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Senior Member
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: Bustleton Ave. Philadelphia, PA.
Posts: 648
Internets: 10
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I like to welcome you all to Boonville. This is my hometown and I will present to you The Boonville News.
This week so far has been a very uneventful week, other than a few occurrences. Thursday night a group of skinheads met up at the local quickie mart (which has only opened two days ago) with trash cans full of shit the locals have been contributing to for the last few weeks and proceeded to smear it on the walls, the merchandise and the towel head owners. The owner Abdul Hamed Osama something or other quickly dialed 911, by the time the only cop in the town(father of the skinhead's ambassador Bobby James) showed up the perpetrators had fled the scene and left no evidence other than their faces on the security camera's video tape that officer Wellington quickly confiscated and destroyed. Well thats it for now, Im off to Easy Street for a few pints of Bud and maybe some more news from Boonville if my girlfriend catches me banging her mother tonight. So until next time, fuck off! |
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05-01-2005, 12:31 PM
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#3 (permalink) | |
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Spice Master
Join Date: Jan 2004
Posts: 17,969
Internets: 284106
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Quote:
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Psychedelics are illegal not because a loving government is concerned that you may jump out of a third story window. Psychedelics are illegal because they dissolve opinion structures and culturally laid down models of behavior and information processing.
― Terence McKenna |
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05-01-2005, 02:04 PM
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#4 (permalink) |
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Senior Member
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: Bustleton Ave. Philadelphia, PA.
Posts: 648
Internets: 10
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This just in..........
Reporter Malice here on the sceene at 22 Holy Crack Rd. in the Boonville trailer park where Lady Jane (the local crack whore) found herself in the middle of a gun fight between her ex and her ex. It started as a verbal dispute and turned into a blaze of shotgun bullets, leaving two dead and one injured. Around 7:30am Sunday morning Miss Lady Jane was still up from a long night of sucking random cocks and smoking crack when her ex decided to stop by to try and rekindle the flame that once burned(when I say ex I mean ex customer and when I use the term rekindle the flame that once burned I am referring to ghonerea). Lady Jane tried to explain to him that she is a crack whore and she only slept with him for the $5.00 fee but he did not want to hear that. He claimed she told him she loved him while having unprotected anal sex three saturdays ago. Before they could get any further in the conversation there was a knock at the sheet of plywood Lady Jane calls a door. BANG, BANG, BANG,...."Lady Jane"........"I know your in there Lady Jane"...........Lady Jane tells Ex #1 to hide in the closet while she answers the door and he does. Lady Jane carefully walks down the narrow trailer hall way trying to avoid the other cracked out whores sleeping on the kitchen floor. She gets to the sheet of plywood and spins the 2 X 4 that is holding it upright. Standing there is Wallace (Ex #2) with a Natural Ice in one hand and a gag of dandilions in the other. "I love you so much Miss Lady Jane, I want to marry you". Lady Jane replies "Wallace your high and naked and you have a shootgun, what the fuck?". Ex #2 responds with "but I love you". Lady Jane looks Wallace dead in his eyes and says "Get the fuck out of here you crazy, little dick having, pig fucking...." and Before she could say another word BANG, the whore was dead. Ex #1 comes running out of the closet screaming like a little asian bitch getting gang banged by 2 horse cocks. Ex #2 turns the shotgun in his direction and fires another shot. This one was worse than the first shot because he did not kill Ex #1, he just blew his dick off (I dont know about you all but I'd rather be dead than have my dick blown off). Ex #2 then ran into the kitchen (only 3 steps away) and turns the gun on one of the crack whores (crack whore #2) not knowing the other crack whore (crack whore #1) had ran into the bathroom and grabbed the 12 gauge Lady Jane kept in there. He say's to Crack whore #2 "your gonna marry me Whore" but before she could respond BANG, Ex #2 gets a handfull of shotgun pelets in the chest. The police department then arrived at the scene, or should I say Officer Wellington arrived and made a statement to the trailer people, "What we have here ladies and gentlemen is an open and close case". He pulled the Natural Ice out of Ex #2's hand and took a sip "The dumb whore should have never opened the door, so this case is closed." He then went inside the trailer and closed the plywood door. Well its Sunday afternoon and I'm late for happy hour (which starts at 8:00am). So once again this has been another addition of the Boonville News. See ya next time, now fuck off or just go fuck yourself, either which way I dont give a fuck! |
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05-02-2005, 05:19 PM
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#8 (permalink) |
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Senior Member
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: Bustleton Ave. Philadelphia, PA.
Posts: 648
Internets: 10
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Todays edition of the Boonville News
Well folks its been quite an uneventful day here in Boonville. The only news I have came in this morning from an unknown source, I received a note on my Lawn Boy that stated: I am tired of you people walking all over me and treating me with great disrespect, therefor I will stop at nothing to make sure you all die. I will rape all of the goats in this town until they can no longer feel the excruciating pain in their anal cavity and die a painful death, I will skull fuck all of your pigs until their meat is doused with the impurities of my man juice in which your children will feed on. I will cut the teats off of all of your cows and poison your livestock and stop at nothing until this shit hole of a town is ruined!!! The note was not signed but telling from the name on the letterhead it came from Farmer Dan. I have turned this over to the proper authority (Officer Wellington) for further analysis. |
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05-11-2005, 10:36 AM
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#12 (permalink) |
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Senior Member
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: Bustleton Ave. Philadelphia, PA.
Posts: 648
Internets: 10
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Well folks, its been about a week since the last edition of the Boonville news, I decided to do this forum cast only once a week otherwise the daily news would become slightly repetitive.
In the last week Boonville has become a party town. With all the local college kids coming home for the summer and Clause "Tiny" Bronson being released from jail, last weekend was a big event. Let me give you the run down on Tiny, he was sent to adult prison at the age of 12 for shooting his father in the abdomin over a card game. He was released at 15 and went back just 3 months later after mutilating a peer's knee caps with a sheetrock saw for looking at his "girl". The girl's name is Wendy, at the time she was 10 and Tiny was and still is very much in love with her. If you haven't noticed Tiny is a little over protective of her, especially considering she doesn't want to be with him and never has. Poor Wendy gets ignored by everyone in town because of the fear Tiny instills in the locals. Anyway last weekend Tiny's father threw a coming home party for him. It was great, beer, bitches, music, then Tiny showed up. Still in his orange jump suit Tiny kicks the radio across the porch, punches his father in the face and sits next to the keg. He starts guzzling the beer straight from the tap then stands up and screams where's Wendy. Well, Wendy is now 21 and has a boyfriend from college who is visiting for the weekend (He's 6'6" 275 and a prospective soon to be professional football player/meathead). Wendy say to the boyfriend I have to go talk to him, but the boyfriend insists she doesn't and says I will go talk to him. Wendy pleads to him, "please no, he's insane. Dont say anythng please". So what does the dick bag do, he aproaches Tiny. Drunk and stumbling, the boyfriend walks towards Tiny ignoring the many of people there telling him not to do it. "TIINNYYY, YO TINY", he says in a drunken slur, Tiny turns to him and says "WHAT". "Yo, your gonna leave Wendy alone for good or else im gonna break you bro". Tiny looks at him slightly confused and say's "Wendy, you know Wendy?". The boyfriend responds, fuck yea I know her, she's my girl". I could feel the tension build up, people started backing away from Tiny and the boyfriend, it was dead silent and Tiny stands up looks at the guy and before the guy had a chance to square up Tiny jumps on him and bites his lips right off of his face. The boyfriend then falls to the ground screaming in agony while Tiny stands over him with blood running down his chin and begins to chews his lips like a dog knawling on a slab of jearky. "You will never kiss anyone's girl again", Tiny says. He then turn to the crowd and says "What the fuck is everyone staring at, this is my party now fucking enjoy it". Everyone immediately went back to what they were doing before the incident and Tiny picked up the boyfriend and walked towards the lake. Well Fuck Nuts, thats it for now. Fuck off! |
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05-17-2005, 08:55 PM
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#18 (permalink) |
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Senior Member
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: Bustleton Ave. Philadelphia, PA.
Posts: 648
Internets: 10
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My bad...
Welcome to the Boonville News, this weeks top storys after this brief advertisement........ Has your genital herpes been making your life hell? Do you avoid sexual contact with others while experiencing an outbreak? Do you do this because you don't want them to know you infected them? <font size="4">Well we can help you hide your herpes!</font> [img]http://rds.yahoo.com/S=96062883/K=herpes+ointment/v=2/SID=e/l=IVI/SIG=12sn0ujqe/EXP=1116454676/*-http%3A//www.celebrex-arthritis-medication.com/celebrex-images/zovirax.jpg[/img] <font size="0">Applied twice a day while skin breaks out some side effects may cause itching, burning, swelling, impotence, guilt, depression, dry skin, dead skin, no skin, headaches, nausea and diarrhea. Please consult your physician before using Zovirax.</font> <font size="4">Zovirax!</font> <font size="4">Remember theres no cure for genital herpes but we know how to keep a secret!</font> And back to the news.......................... Boonville has been quite interesting the last few days, Friday night a bar room brawl broke out but it did not happen at a bar. It was around 8:30 Friday night, all was well at the Boonville Baptist Church until a couple of drunken pigwhaled whores decided to show up for bingo night. The two women known as "Black & Blue" (why they call themselves that is beyond me) aka Martha & Gretchen walked into the church after a two day coke binge, broke, strung out and armed with a box cutter and a hatchet. They demanded everyone hand over all their money or the room will become a bloody masacare. One woman resisted and had eight of her fingers choped square off her hands (I saw her later that night and lets just say shes not giving any hand jobs any time soon) these mongrols had no heart what so ever, after doing this to the poor woman they took a camera out of her purse and made her pose with them giving the thumbs up. After seeing this the others willingly gave up their money and personal belongings. The police were called and guess who shows up? If you said Officer Wellington give yourself one point, then stick that point up your ass and be thankfull I gave it to you. Anyway, he was pissed, the woman who had her fingers severed from her hands was his wife. He went ape shit, started mumbling something about a war said a prayer at the alter and left, didn't even call for an ambulance. Shit might get crazy if he finds those bitches. Saturday night Boonville hosted the Second Annual Boonville Olympics, where they had every competition from Speederbating (where I myself Came in second) to the Drunken Whiskey Toss. There was a few fights that night but nothing to write home about, the best thing I seen there was Elvis the whiskey drinking monkey (the little bastard beat me in Speederbating). He was the fucking man there, he went up to just about every girl there and rubbed his boner on them, he even pulled down a few tops and the chicks loved it. They dressed him up as Elvis and gave him a little guitar it was pretty fucking funny. Well thats all for now, I hope you have all enjoyed this edition of the Boonville news and if not I could care less. Until next time fuck off. [ May 18, 2005, 11:15 AM: Message edited by: malice ] |
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