John Mayer is a no-talent ass-clown who's only goal in making music is to impress all the hot chicks that went to Berkley that are too busy giving themselves orgasms while watching a guy who somehow simultaneously looks like he's 12 and 45, play the guitar and sing some of the most disgustingly mediocre music possible, to realize how much he sucks. For this alone I would mutilate his face at first glance, but it doesn’t stop there.
You wanna talk about bland music? John Mayer ranks at the top of the list. The only one who beats him out is Howie Day, who somehow is even more of a pussy than John Mayer. That may partially be due to the fact that he looks like a fucking girl. Anyway, your body is a wonderland? What kind of lame-ass stab at being sexual is that? Oh, that's right, I forgot he originally wrote that, like many of his songs, for a Disney Soundtrack. Let's compare that line to something a little less planted in pop, Robert Plant that is, Squeeze me baby, 'til the juice runs down my leg. The way you squeeze my lemon, I'm gonna fall right out of bed. I'm gonna leave my children down on this killing floor. Guess who looks like a dickless cock-touching hopeless pussy-repelling fag-promoter now? I'll give you a hint, it's not Robert Plant. I wanna scream at the top of my lungs, he says as he “belts” out in falsetto. Way to capture the mood of that line and not succumb to trite poppy melodies, you rock! Fucksake, you don’t even have to stray very far to get some good tips John. Try listening to David Gray, who actually employs this thing in his song-writing called... fuck... fuck... what is that called? Oh, right, emotion.
Hey look at me! I'm a marketing genius! I'm going to call my next album Heavier Things! It's a double meaning, get it!? That's so fucking cool! Not only that, but for the cover it's just going to be me, and and ELECTRIC guitar! A mother-fucking ELECTRIC guitar!! I am SUCH a fucking badass! This album is going to be so much tougher than my last album. Better yet, I'll make the songs suck even more! I'll throw in as much boring falsetto as possible to show how much talent I don’t have! I rule so much it almost makes up for the fact that I have no penis! YAY!
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