[DDTempest]

back on track with a letter of complaint inspired by an actual work place injury. I did not actually get a paper cut whilst opening bandaids, but thought about how pissed I would be if it happened.

Dear sirs,
I am writing to inform you that I have just made a purchase that I am very excited about and am sure will pay off in the not too distant future.

Let me explain. I work in retail, I even sell your products. I was opening numerous boxes to begin the transition from Valentines Day to Easter in our seasonal aisle and I received a paper cut the likes of which has never been seen. A copious amount of blood spurted forth and I grabbed a box of Bandaid brands bandages off of the shelf to tend to my wound. Who can say no to an 80 ct assortment for $3.99?

I proceeded to the office cursing and moaning at the horrid pain to apply my relief. As I began to unwrap the bandage from its paper sheath I experienced a treachery the likes of which only Julius Caesar knows: another paper cut. "GOD DAMNIT!" I yelled as I now needed to apply two bandages with roughly 20% of my finger capacity bleeding.

I finished using applying the first bandage on my original paper cut and began to unwrap a second bandage for the paper cut I received opening the first bandage. Guess what happened? I shit you not: a third paper cut. Unfuckingbelievable. I managed to bandage up my secondary and tertiary wounds without further incident and took a moment to ponder what had just happened.

After considering what maniacal villains you guys must be I came to terms with what I must do: buy stock in Johnson & Johnson. Its clear you wicked wicked gentlemen are not taking this recession lying down and are coming up with real solutions to making profits, and for that I say: "Sign me up."

Sincerely,
Stan Goldwater