I'm sort of going through some changes in my mental state when it comes to this topic (of the existence of God, not so much creation vs evolution, I wholeheartedly believe in evolution. I just think creationism makes an infinitely complex God seem quite simple). Over the past 10 years or so, I have not given a fuck about God. If he was there, I told him defiantly to fuck himself. If he wasn't there, I didn't care. In the last 4 or so years I have completely denied his existence altogether. If he was there, I renounced him. I would rather go to hell than worship some invisible God who already was nonexistence in my life.
In the last two or so years I have experienced some significant losses in my life. The first only drove me further away from God. I've always had a lot of hate inside of me, but it seemed to increase. Recently I experienced a loss that stung quite a bit deeper than the previous (a kind of snowball effect, if you will). At first I was so angry, I damn near lost my mind. A few nights ago I was in a lot of pain over it. There was nothing to comfort me. I reached out to something else that I couldn't see. Believe it or not, when I reached out to whatever it was, I felt comforted almost immediately. Perhaps this was a psychological phenomenon, but let me tell you, there was nothing inside me that provided any comfort for a long, long time. I don't know what this means.
I'm not saying that I believe this is a God, only that I am far more open to the idea of a benevolent power who works in some very fucked up ways (seemingly to us, because we cannot comprehend). I can tell you this, I am going to start looking for God, and I'm going to see if I can find him. All I know is that I feel better, happier, than I have in a long time. And even though I'm greatly sadden by my loss, the thought of possibly being able to see them again is far more tolerable than the thought of permanent death. I feel like I can be a better, stronger person. I feel like I don't need to cling to my hate, I can let it go. There are many things I'm trying to sort out in my mind. And while I do not believe in the Christian "biblical" God, I do not reject the possibility of a higher power pulling the strings of this world in ways which we cannot comprehend.
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