You made some excellent points, as usual Beebs. I guess, because I'm a self-centered person, that I was in reference to myself. I have lived a long time without faith, and I haven't found happiness. I have found hatred and anger. I used to feel that anger gave me strength, but it made me weak. It gave me fear and misery. And I know these are simply personality flaws of my own, and it has absolutely nothing to do with God or faith, absolutely nothing. But I felt something and I haven't felt much else but hate and anger for a long time. It was peace. Whatever it was, it was powerful, and I want to harness that power to be more than what I am now. If it was God, then I want to find him. If it was just some inner strength of my own that I didn't know was there, I am fine with that as well. I do not see with "eyes of faith", and I am not walking hand-in-hand with Jesus. I am simply far more open to the possibility of a benevolent higher power. I am not a Christian, if anything, I went from being an atheist to an agnostic-I just don't know anymore. But I want to know, and I am going to continue searching for something. If I find it, great, if not, oh well. Whatever it was, it has made me take a good hard look at myself and strive to be better than I am now. I'm very confused, and I don't even know how to talk about this anymore without sounding emotional, which is not my intent. I have worked hard for a long time to devoid myself of all emotional response save hatred and anger. Unfortunately that led to the surfacing of another emotion, misery.
I don't think I'm going to talk about this anymore, because it's hard to without sounding emotional, which is not my intent. I'm a bit confused and I don't really even know how to explain what it is I'm feeling. I'm just going through some shitty times and I'm trying to find more than what I have now. I'm trying to be as rational about this as I can. I will not blindly follow something. If there is a God, then he'll understand that. I am going to continue searching for something, be it within myself or in God, to become a better, happier person.
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