Oh boy! Two presents from Santa!
Let's start with the thing that feels like a picture frame first.
Gift wrapped, nice! The back of it reads "Do not throw away. This painting is cursed."
Hmm... I wonder what's on the front of it? Let's build some suspense and set it to the side for later.
Now onto the box. I wonder what's inside?
Oh boy! Gift wrapped presents and lots of them! This is very exciting!
There are nine presents and they are numbered.
I think Santa wants me to open them in order. Let's start with number one.
Batteries. Hmm... I wonder what these could be for?
Onto number two...
Oh my! A wind-up toy cock that hops! It's almost an exact-scale model of my own!
Let's try number three. It feels like a flask. I've never owned a flask before. Please be a flask!
It is! It is a flask! Thanks Santa!
Number four...
Oh wow! This just keeps getting better and better! A homemade pepper blend with a warning that it is very, very spicy. Santa must know that I love spicy foods. I will try it soon, but only a little at first, of course.
Let's see what package #5 has to offer...
Ramen! The best Ramen ever, apparently. What a perfect thing to try my newfound spices with!
Six feels like a can of some type of liquid. Perhaps alcoholic liquid? Surely Santa does not love me that much...
Oh but wait he does!!! A can of Four Loko! Sweet day!! I have been wanting to try this stuff for a while now! I will save it for a special occasion. New Years Eve sounds fitting for now.
Christmas could stop now and have been a wonderful success, but since my Santa rules so fucking hard, I still have three more gifts to open
plus a painting to flip over.
#7...
Oh my!! Cherry flavored blowjob lubricant!! How did Santa know my girlfriend loves cherry flavored things? Hmm... seriously, how did he know that? Santa wouldn't... no. Impossible. A mere coincidence is all. Thanks Santa!!
#8...
BBs! But is what's advertised on the outside actually what's on the inside?
Indeed it is! 2,500 BBs all for me. That's 2500 days I can ruin at my choosing. I'll be sure to pick up a gun in the near future. Thanks Santa!!
And now for the final package. #9...
HOLY FUCKING BALLSACK. SANTA GOT ME A BB GUN.
MY VERY OWN BB GUN.
WITH A FUCKING SCOPE!!! A MOTHERFUCKING SCOPE!!!
YEE-HAW!!!! WEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I HAVE THE BEST SANTA EVER!!!!
KEER-POW, KEER-POW!!!!
HEY GUYS, GUESS WHAT?
MY SANTA BOUGHT ME A MOTHERFUCKING GUN!!!!
A GUN!!!! CAN YOU BELIEVE THAT SHIT?
MY SANTA BOUGHT ME A MOTHERFUCKING WEAPON!!!!!!!!!!
Oh my this day will never be topped.
Never.
Let's flip that painting over...
Clowns! Good god, clowns!! Hahahaha... oh fuck me I hate clowns. But alas, I cannot throw this painting away because Santa has informed me it is cursed. Indeed, will carry this with me and hide it in closets and garages for the remainder of my life. I must. I have no choice. I want not to be cursed.
The total haul:
THANKS SANTA!!!!
THANKS FOR BEING THE BEST SANTA EVER!!!
*My best guess is that my Santa is pliedes. The Bloomington zip code on the return address plus the ultra-awesomeness of the gift has me ~85% certain of this, but I'm happy to hear any theories to the contrary. If my theory is indeed correct, I will shower pliedes with posrep every chance I remember until the end of time for this. I won the Santa lottery!!!