Amazon.com: Astor Bidet Fresh Water Spray Non-Electric Mechanical Bidet Toilet Seat Attachment: Home Improvement
Hear me now: This is perhaps the best $29.95 I've ever spent. It took 20 minutes to install, and, despite running a few yards of rope through it since then, my asshole has never been cleaner. Toilet paper only exists as a drying agent at this point in my life.
If you don't have a bidet on your toilet, buy this. You will not regret it.