Just a little short story.... - Nubblies.net Forums

Combat Chuck · 04-23-2003, 01:06 AM

Alright, I've done this one past message boards that I've frequented before, and one thing that I've noticed is that posting stories never gets any comments. Or only a few, cause no one has the time to read a fucking story do they?

However, I just wrote this short story as an English assignment, and since I value many opinions on these boards, I'd like to see what you think.

Here goes.
-------------------------------

“No, we’ll be fine.”
“--------”
“Dad, I’m positive. He’s got a friend over right now; they’re playing video
games.”
“--------”
“The kid....I don’t know....he lives down a couple floors, so....”
“--------”
“Yeah.....Dad?....sorry....uhm.....Dad, is Grandma doing okay? Or are you....I
don’t know. Sugarcoating?”
“--------”
“Okay....yeah, no, I’m fine. No, Dad, there is no problem with me staying over
here tonight. Stay at the hospital....I’m sure Dad. C’mon, I’ve handled this my whole life.
Nah, Dad, it’s not like I’m going anywhere tonight. The roads are horrible, so this is safer
for both of us.....right....”
“--------”
“Dad....kiss Grandma for me....alright?”
“--------”
“I love you too Dad.....bye.”
As she hung up the phone, Meghan let her hand slide slowly down the receiver as
she let her head hang limply. She stared at the floor feeling her mind go blank, and
welcomed the rest, her entire line of vision being only the pattern of the linoleum and
nothing else. Then her peripheral sight picked up movement near the door of the
apartment. She looked up and saw David’s friend opening the door and slipping a video
game cartridge into his bag at the same time.
“Hey.....hey, is that yours?”
The friend looked up quickly....too quickly to be innocent, and his eyes further
proved his guilt as they darted back and forth, refusing to meet her gaze.
“N-no.....David’s letting me borrow it.”
Meghan walked slowly towards the friend and held her hand out. The friend rolled his eyes, pulled the cartridge out and slapped it into her hand. He then walked out the open door and closed it behind him. She yelled towards the living room as she locked the door.
“David, you know that kid’s name?”
Her brother’s voice came from the other room.
“Yeah, Meghan. He’s nice.”
She started walking towards where he was sitting.
“David....no, I didn’t ask about what you thought of him, I asked if you knew his name.”
“....I think it’s Jonas.”
Meghan tossed the video game cartridge onto the coffee table that David was hunched over in front of. She then slumped down next to him, leaning on the coffee table and staring at the same flickering screen that David was intently examining with squinty eyes.
“Well, you should thank me, cause he just tried to yoink--”
Meghan leaned back and looked at the title on the game cartridge.
“--Masters Of The Universe: The Return Of Skullitor.”
David replied without looking away from the screen, his hand vigorously punching
buttons on the game control.
“He didn’t try to yoink it Meghan. I let him borrow it. He’s nice.”
Meghan rolled her eyes and started to get up.
“David, you can’t just let your...friends...walk away with your games like that. How do you know that he wouldn’t have just never given it back to you? Wouldn’t you miss it?”
“No. I don’t think so. I’ve beaten that one. It’s not fun anymore, cause I know....I know how to beat it, and it’s not fun if you know how to beat it. I want my video games to be fun.”
Meghan looked down at her younger brother and tried to imagine what it would be
like if he were a normal 19 year old kid. She wouldn’t be having this kind of conversation. She probably wouldn’t be having any kind of conversation with him, since it’s common law that a 19 and 23 year old pair of siblings are only allowed a certain amount of conversation a day, and that should only entail conversations which pertain to asking for quick loans, or if such and such movie is any good.
But common law didn’t apply when the age gap was the same, but the mental gap
was farther apart. David was 19 years old, looked around 15 years old, but had the
capacity of a naive 9 year old. He wasn’t a mental retardate, just a bit....handicapped.
Which made things....frustrating....but what could you do? Meghan had learned to take a
completely indifferent view of her brother during her prepubescence. It had been
aggravating during highschool, but now that she was in college and she only saw him a
couple times a week, she didn’t have to think about him unless their father was late for work, or didn’t feel like making dinner that evening. She lived in an apartment on the outskirts of the city whereas the apartment that her father and brother shared was more upscale and located in a better part of the city. However, she had gladly downsized for the luxury of privacy and a normal social life.
“The snow is pretty, isn’t it?”
Meghan came out of her thoughts, and looked out the window at the drifting
snow.
“Yeah, it’s pretty....until you think of the bunches of headaches that it’s causing as we speak. Oh....”
She turned her focus back on him.
“....just to let you know, I’ll be staying here tonight, and Dad will be stuck at the hospital because of the snow. He’s alright, and Grandma’s....doing better.”
David looked away from his video game for the first time that evening.
“That’s good. Grandma always feels better when he’s there.” He looked back at the TV. “You know, I’m glad that it’s snowing.”
“Yeah......you keep that childlike fixation with all things annoying and go back to your video screen. I’ll be studying in Dad’s room. You need anything, let me know.”
“I will.”
He went back to trying to retrieve the last dungeon key from atop a high ledge,
and Meghan slowly walked towards her father’s room, running her hands through her hair.
“Meghan?”
Meghan stopped and looked back at David.
“Yeah?”
“Have you ever liked the snow?”
Meghan rolled her eyes.
“Probably, back when I was your age.”
David smiled and turned back around. Meghan went into her father’s room and
closed the door slightly, leaving a foot gap between the door and the wall. She then turned off the ceiling light and switched on the small lamp above the desk, planning to resume examining the syntax and tone inherent in a lesser known play by David Mamet. As she put on her reading glasses the wind blew violently outside, swirling the snow around, and a soft chill crept through the room. Meghan looked up from the blending words on the page she had just spent a few minutes on, out the big windows facing the north and began thinking about when she had first started to despise winter and the snow.

“Meghan?”
David was complaining about how the flowers were dead, how the late frost had
killed them off, and there was no more spring.
“Meghan, I’m hungry.”
He wouldn’t stop touching them, damaging their fragile petals even more,
shattering them, letting them fall to the ground.
“Meghan, can I have some Mac and Cheese? I can make it myself. If you want me
to.”
She told him to leave them alone, that they could come back, that spring wasn’t
gone, but he just wouldn’t stop trying to fix them, to fix her flowers with big harsh
movements. She kept on looking around for Grandma to help her, because she knew what
to do, she was like her, but Grandma was going away, and so was spring.
“Meghan?”
She was the only nurturer left, but there was nothing left that she wanted to
nurture.
“Are you awake?”
Her eyes opened to see David looking at her with his own big blue eyes in the
doorway. He was timidly holding a box of instant Macaroni and Cheese. His eyes
communicated what he had already asked when she had been sleeping. She slowly pulled
the blanket off of her and rolled towards the edge of the bed.
“Sure David.”
“Can I help this time?”
“....just let me do it. Alright?”
“I can’t even pour the water?”
“David, just go back to your video games, okay?”
“But I’m bored by them now. And the snow’s only innerestin for a little bit. Now it just makes my eyes hurt.”
She looked out the windows again, seeing that the storm had worsened, that there was just a large white wall obscuring the already limited view that was offered.
“Alright....look, you can just watch me, okay?”
David looked down and sighed.
“Dad woulda let me at least pour the water.”
“Yeah, well, maybe next time....let’s just get the stuff made.”
She walked past him and took the box that was in his hands. She entered the
kitchen and flipped the switch, illuminating the room with a sterile light. As she grabbed a bowl from the upper cabinet, David walked into the room and perched himself on a
rotating chair near the door.
“You can make one for yourself too, if you want one Meghan.”
“To tell you the truth, I don’t see how you can stand this stuff.”
After pouring the water into the bowl full of macaroni and stirring it around with a fork, she placed it in the microwave and punched in the allotted time. As she watched the bowl rotate in the orange light of the bulb, David started playing with some magnets on the refrigerator. He looked at one that was a picture of him and his sister and his Dad. He then looked at Meghan.
“Do you like anything anymore Meghan?”
Meghan turned around and looked at him quizzically.
“Dave....what do you mean by that?”
“....I don’t know.”
He placed the picture back on the refrigerator and she looked at it from across the room. David and his goofy smile and hat, their Dad squatting behind them, hands on both of their shoulders, her own smile revealing a row of braces, a picture from a lifetime ago, framed by popsicle sticks and paper hearts that she had made hersel---
“MEGHAN! THE MICROWAVE!”
A loud crackling sound issued from behind her and as she turned, she fell away
from what David was pointing at.
“MEGHAN!”
She had left the fork in the bowl. The metal--
She screamed and started to grab David and pull him from the room, but he was
already pulling the tiny fire extinguisher from the top of the refrigerator and pulling off the cover, frantically pointing the hose. Sparks started shooting everywhere and then a freezing white cloud enveloped her and the microwave.
“SHUT THE MICROWAVE OFF!”
She leaped for the microwave and punched the button, making the door swing
forward. Then another cold, white cloud shot into the microwave. The loud spurt of noise
and confusion dissipated and a small sizzling sound could be heard from inside.
Meghan looked back to see David drop the extinguisher because his hands had
started to shake. They both looked at each other and then tears flowed from her eyes as he came over and wrapped his arms around her, crying all the same, the overhead light, the sizzling sounds, the telephone ringing, the smoke alarm, her own heaving chest and her brother’s hands on her back, everything blurring and
turning to white and
transparent and
nothing.....
---------------------------------------

Hope you liked it. I'd also appreciate any feedback you may have.

Titan · 04-23-2003, 01:22 AM

Wow... kind of how I feel when I write reviews... you know... I don't write them for my health... anyway...

The vivid imagery and detail were key in this Chuck... you really did a great job building the necesseties of your story here... You've established David's character very well... but I think you could delve into Meghan more... maybe I'm just stupid, but I wasn't feeling enough of the friction betweed Meghan and David for the resolution to really hit home... I mean 'cuz every brother and sister fight... and you showed Meghan's frustrations with the whole macaroni thing... but it seemed to move a little too quickly and not be impacted (on me anyway) enough... blarh.

[This message has been edited by Titan (edited April 22, 2003).]

Combat Chuck · 04-23-2003, 10:19 PM

Funny thing is, there isn't supposed to be that much friction between Meghan and David. David is supposed to have this innocent quality about him, and Meghan doesn't hate him, she just gets annoyed by him. There would have been no basis for alot of friction between them.

I think the only reason why she really seemed to be annoyed by him was the fact that she really didn't want the responsibility of having to look after him, and with her Grandma dying, she wasn't in the mood to be the caretaker of the family.

You know, I knew that Titan was going to be the first one to read this puppy....he's the one with the most time on his hands it seems.

Oh, hey Titan, do you remember that story that I was telling you about, where I had you and a few other people in it? I'm gonna have to let you read over that sometime.

And I still have to finish that mafia movie that had all of us in it.

Titan · 04-23-2003, 10:35 PM

<BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Combat Chuck:
I think the only reason why she really seemed to be annoyed by him was the fact that she really didn't want the responsibility of having to look after him, and with her Grandma dying, she wasn't in the mood to be the caretaker of the family.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

That makes more sense. I wasn't trying to imply that she should be directly annoyed with him, but the circumstances leading her to be annoyed at her situation definitely fits.

<BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Combat Chuck:
You know, I knew that Titan was going to be the first one to read this puppy....he's the one with the most time on his hands it seems.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

I'm a college student.

<BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Combat Chuck:
Oh, hey Titan, do you remember that story that I was telling you about, where I had you and a few other people in it? I'm gonna have to let you read over that sometime.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

Yes, yes I do, and a fun story it was.

04-23-2003, 01:06 AM	#1 (permalink)
Combat Chuck Senior Member Join Date: Oct 2002 Posts: 2,063 Internets: 10	Alright, I've done this one past message boards that I've frequented before, and one thing that I've noticed is that posting stories never gets any comments. Or only a few, cause no one has the time to read a fucking story do they? However, I just wrote this short story as an English assignment, and since I value many opinions on these boards, I'd like to see what you think. Here goes. ------------------------------- “No, we’ll be fine.” “--------” “Dad, I’m positive. He’s got a friend over right now; they’re playing video games.” “--------” “The kid....I don’t know....he lives down a couple floors, so....” “--------” “Yeah.....Dad?....sorry....uhm.....Dad, is Grandma doing okay? Or are you....I don’t know. Sugarcoating?” “--------” “Okay....yeah, no, I’m fine. No, Dad, there is no problem with me staying over here tonight. Stay at the hospital....I’m sure Dad. C’mon, I’ve handled this my whole life. Nah, Dad, it’s not like I’m going anywhere tonight. The roads are horrible, so this is safer for both of us.....right....” “--------” “Dad....kiss Grandma for me....alright?” “--------” “I love you too Dad.....bye.” As she hung up the phone, Meghan let her hand slide slowly down the receiver as she let her head hang limply. She stared at the floor feeling her mind go blank, and welcomed the rest, her entire line of vision being only the pattern of the linoleum and nothing else. Then her peripheral sight picked up movement near the door of the apartment. She looked up and saw David’s friend opening the door and slipping a video game cartridge into his bag at the same time. “Hey.....hey, is that yours?” The friend looked up quickly....too quickly to be innocent, and his eyes further proved his guilt as they darted back and forth, refusing to meet her gaze. “N-no.....David’s letting me borrow it.” Meghan walked slowly towards the friend and held her hand out. The friend rolled his eyes, pulled the cartridge out and slapped it into her hand. He then walked out the open door and closed it behind him. She yelled towards the living room as she locked the door. “David, you know that kid’s name?” Her brother’s voice came from the other room. “Yeah, Meghan. He’s nice.” She started walking towards where he was sitting. “David....no, I didn’t ask about what you thought of him, I asked if you knew his name.” “....I think it’s Jonas.” Meghan tossed the video game cartridge onto the coffee table that David was hunched over in front of. She then slumped down next to him, leaning on the coffee table and staring at the same flickering screen that David was intently examining with squinty eyes. “Well, you should thank me, cause he just tried to yoink--” Meghan leaned back and looked at the title on the game cartridge. “--Masters Of The Universe: The Return Of Skullitor.” David replied without looking away from the screen, his hand vigorously punching buttons on the game control. “He didn’t try to yoink it Meghan. I let him borrow it. He’s nice.” Meghan rolled her eyes and started to get up. “David, you can’t just let your...friends...walk away with your games like that. How do you know that he wouldn’t have just never given it back to you? Wouldn’t you miss it?” “No. I don’t think so. I’ve beaten that one. It’s not fun anymore, cause I know....I know how to beat it, and it’s not fun if you know how to beat it. I want my video games to be fun.” Meghan looked down at her younger brother and tried to imagine what it would be like if he were a normal 19 year old kid. She wouldn’t be having this kind of conversation. She probably wouldn’t be having any kind of conversation with him, since it’s common law that a 19 and 23 year old pair of siblings are only allowed a certain amount of conversation a day, and that should only entail conversations which pertain to asking for quick loans, or if such and such movie is any good. But common law didn’t apply when the age gap was the same, but the mental gap was farther apart. David was 19 years old, looked around 15 years old, but had the capacity of a naive 9 year old. He wasn’t a mental retardate, just a bit....handicapped. Which made things....frustrating....but what could you do? Meghan had learned to take a completely indifferent view of her brother during her prepubescence. It had been aggravating during highschool, but now that she was in college and she only saw him a couple times a week, she didn’t have to think about him unless their father was late for work, or didn’t feel like making dinner that evening. She lived in an apartment on the outskirts of the city whereas the apartment that her father and brother shared was more upscale and located in a better part of the city. However, she had gladly downsized for the luxury of privacy and a normal social life. “The snow is pretty, isn’t it?” Meghan came out of her thoughts, and looked out the window at the drifting snow. “Yeah, it’s pretty....until you think of the bunches of headaches that it’s causing as we speak. Oh....” She turned her focus back on him. “....just to let you know, I’ll be staying here tonight, and Dad will be stuck at the hospital because of the snow. He’s alright, and Grandma’s....doing better.” David looked away from his video game for the first time that evening. “That’s good. Grandma always feels better when he’s there.” He looked back at the TV. “You know, I’m glad that it’s snowing.” “Yeah......you keep that childlike fixation with all things annoying and go back to your video screen. I’ll be studying in Dad’s room. You need anything, let me know.” “I will.” He went back to trying to retrieve the last dungeon key from atop a high ledge, and Meghan slowly walked towards her father’s room, running her hands through her hair. “Meghan?” Meghan stopped and looked back at David. “Yeah?” “Have you ever liked the snow?” Meghan rolled her eyes. “Probably, back when I was your age.” David smiled and turned back around. Meghan went into her father’s room and closed the door slightly, leaving a foot gap between the door and the wall. She then turned off the ceiling light and switched on the small lamp above the desk, planning to resume examining the syntax and tone inherent in a lesser known play by David Mamet. As she put on her reading glasses the wind blew violently outside, swirling the snow around, and a soft chill crept through the room. Meghan looked up from the blending words on the page she had just spent a few minutes on, out the big windows facing the north and began thinking about when she had first started to despise winter and the snow. “Meghan?” David was complaining about how the flowers were dead, how the late frost had killed them off, and there was no more spring. “Meghan, I’m hungry.” He wouldn’t stop touching them, damaging their fragile petals even more, shattering them, letting them fall to the ground. “Meghan, can I have some Mac and Cheese? I can make it myself. If you want me to.” She told him to leave them alone, that they could come back, that spring wasn’t gone, but he just wouldn’t stop trying to fix them, to fix her flowers with big harsh movements. She kept on looking around for Grandma to help her, because she knew what to do, she was like her, but Grandma was going away, and so was spring. “Meghan?” She was the only nurturer left, but there was nothing left that she wanted to nurture. “Are you awake?” Her eyes opened to see David looking at her with his own big blue eyes in the doorway. He was timidly holding a box of instant Macaroni and Cheese. His eyes communicated what he had already asked when she had been sleeping. She slowly pulled the blanket off of her and rolled towards the edge of the bed. “Sure David.” “Can I help this time?” “....just let me do it. Alright?” “I can’t even pour the water?” “David, just go back to your video games, okay?” “But I’m bored by them now. And the snow’s only innerestin for a little bit. Now it just makes my eyes hurt.” She looked out the windows again, seeing that the storm had worsened, that there was just a large white wall obscuring the already limited view that was offered. “Alright....look, you can just watch me, okay?” David looked down and sighed. “Dad woulda let me at least pour the water.” “Yeah, well, maybe next time....let’s just get the stuff made.” She walked past him and took the box that was in his hands. She entered the kitchen and flipped the switch, illuminating the room with a sterile light. As she grabbed a bowl from the upper cabinet, David walked into the room and perched himself on a rotating chair near the door. “You can make one for yourself too, if you want one Meghan.” “To tell you the truth, I don’t see how you can stand this stuff.” After pouring the water into the bowl full of macaroni and stirring it around with a fork, she placed it in the microwave and punched in the allotted time. As she watched the bowl rotate in the orange light of the bulb, David started playing with some magnets on the refrigerator. He looked at one that was a picture of him and his sister and his Dad. He then looked at Meghan. “Do you like anything anymore Meghan?” Meghan turned around and looked at him quizzically. “Dave....what do you mean by that?” “....I don’t know.” He placed the picture back on the refrigerator and she looked at it from across the room. David and his goofy smile and hat, their Dad squatting behind them, hands on both of their shoulders, her own smile revealing a row of braces, a picture from a lifetime ago, framed by popsicle sticks and paper hearts that she had made hersel--- “MEGHAN! THE MICROWAVE!” A loud crackling sound issued from behind her and as she turned, she fell away from what David was pointing at. “MEGHAN!” She had left the fork in the bowl. The metal-- She screamed and started to grab David and pull him from the room, but he was already pulling the tiny fire extinguisher from the top of the refrigerator and pulling off the cover, frantically pointing the hose. Sparks started shooting everywhere and then a freezing white cloud enveloped her and the microwave. “SHUT THE MICROWAVE OFF!” She leaped for the microwave and punched the button, making the door swing forward. Then another cold, white cloud shot into the microwave. The loud spurt of noise and confusion dissipated and a small sizzling sound could be heard from inside. Meghan looked back to see David drop the extinguisher because his hands had started to shake. They both looked at each other and then tears flowed from her eyes as he came over and wrapped his arms around her, crying all the same, the overhead light, the sizzling sounds, the telephone ringing, the smoke alarm, her own heaving chest and her brother’s hands on her back, everything blurring and turning to white and transparent and nothing..... --------------------------------------- Hope you liked it. I'd also appreciate any feedback you may have.

04-23-2003, 01:22 AM	#2 (permalink)
Titan Senior Member Join Date: Nov 2002 Posts: 3,698 Internets: 10	Wow... kind of how I feel when I write reviews... you know... I don't write them for my health... anyway... The vivid imagery and detail were key in this Chuck... you really did a great job building the necesseties of your story here... You've established David's character very well... but I think you could delve into Meghan more... maybe I'm just stupid, but I wasn't feeling enough of the friction betweed Meghan and David for the resolution to really hit home... I mean 'cuz every brother and sister fight... and you showed Meghan's frustrations with the whole macaroni thing... but it seemed to move a little too quickly and not be impacted (on me anyway) enough... blarh. [This message has been edited by Titan (edited April 22, 2003).]

04-23-2003, 10:19 PM	#3 (permalink)
Combat Chuck Senior Member Join Date: Oct 2002 Posts: 2,063 Internets: 10	Funny thing is, there isn't supposed to be that much friction between Meghan and David. David is supposed to have this innocent quality about him, and Meghan doesn't hate him, she just gets annoyed by him. There would have been no basis for alot of friction between them. I think the only reason why she really seemed to be annoyed by him was the fact that she really didn't want the responsibility of having to look after him, and with her Grandma dying, she wasn't in the mood to be the caretaker of the family. You know, I knew that Titan was going to be the first one to read this puppy....he's the one with the most time on his hands it seems. Oh, hey Titan, do you remember that story that I was telling you about, where I had you and a few other people in it? I'm gonna have to let you read over that sometime. And I still have to finish that mafia movie that had all of us in it.

04-23-2003, 10:35 PM	#4 (permalink)
Titan Senior Member Join Date: Nov 2002 Posts: 3,698 Internets: 10	<BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Combat Chuck: I think the only reason why she really seemed to be annoyed by him was the fact that she really didn't want the responsibility of having to look after him, and with her Grandma dying, she wasn't in the mood to be the caretaker of the family.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE> That makes more sense. I wasn't trying to imply that she should be directly annoyed with him, but the circumstances leading her to be annoyed at her situation definitely fits. <BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Combat Chuck: You know, I knew that Titan was going to be the first one to read this puppy....he's the one with the most time on his hands it seems.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE> I'm a college student. <BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Combat Chuck: Oh, hey Titan, do you remember that story that I was telling you about, where I had you and a few other people in it? I'm gonna have to let you read over that sometime.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE> Yes, yes I do, and a fun story it was.