Virginia

[thekremlin]

I realized this morning, I don't know *ANYTHING* about Virginia. I've met people from all 'round this great green earth, and I've never met a single person from there.

Here is a compendium of my complete knowledge about Virginia.

1) There's a West version of it, that I know some things about.
2) Robert E. Lee was from there, and wanted to fight for the North because he hated slavery, but Virginia wanted to be in the South so he fought for the South.

That's it. And #2 is probably untrue revisionist history.

I decided I needed to fill in the blank spot in my knowledge. As always, Wikipedia was the first place I checked. I was shocked:



Wikipedia knows even less about Virginia than me.

I took matters into my own hands. I tracked down a US phone book (remember those?) and started dialing numbers. It took me a long time, the first 10-12 numbers I tried were dead. I finally got through to a gentleman named Ephraim. Right off the bat, I mentioned how many numbers I had tried before reaching him. He explained that ALL of the major phone providers pulled out of VA (FC has just arrived at work and told me that VA is the abbreviation of Virginia) after a rash of infections spread rampant through the state in '92, apparently communicable through using the same phone as an infectee.

Through conversation with Ephraim, I found some interesting facts about Virginia:

1) Like California, the governor of Virginia is a famous actor, also the only asian-american governor in the US, Jonathan Ke Quan (Jonathan Ke Quan - IMDb)

2) The primary export of Virginia is, and I would have guessed tobacco, but no, it is frankincense.

3) VA was the first state to legalize gay marriage, marijuana for medicinal use, and fratricide.

4) VA has the highest per capita albino population in the US, to the extent that "the albino vote" is a powerful political force.

I had thought that Richmond was the capital of Virginia, but apparently this is a matter of contention. Richmond had been the undisputed capital, and is still considered the capital by a large population that refers to itself as "The Normals". But another city on the eastern coast, called "Ape City" has declared itself the capital, and many people subscribe to that. Ape City is populated by superintelligent simians, and they have thrown off the shackled of their homo sapien overlords. Ape City has the largest population of any VA city (or the smallest if you don't include superapes) and also ranks third in textile-manufacturing in the US.

I thanked Ephraim for all of this helpful information, and told him it was a pleasure to fill such a gaping hole in my knowledge of US States. He said he would love to stay and chat some more, but had to hide from an ape-patrol.

[angry pancake]

-1 for any post about virginia that doesn't mention Virginia/Smithfield Ham.

Let me google that for you

[Ironic Mustache]

Originally Posted by thekremlin

1) Like California, the governor of Virginia is a famous actor,

For your next task, I propose you find out more about the Governor of California.

[angry pancake]

Here's a video hint:

Dead Kennedys - "California Über Alles" (Live - 1979) - YouTube

Dead Kennedys - "California Über Alles" (Live - 1979) - YouTube

[Beebs]

I love that you are so fucking punk rock for a lawyer in Texas.

[thekremlin]

Over the last several weeks, I've become something of a presidential race junky.... reading polls, political blogs, junk editorials, really everything I can get my hands on. In many ways, this race is shaping up to be pretty standard; most states are easy to predict at this point in time, and in any case, it seems like outside of Ohio, none of the states really matter. But there are a few unique sub-stories this year, and none of them are more interesting than what is happening in the state of Virginia, worth a substantial 13 electoral votes.

Virginia is a mixed bag when it comes to classic divisions, right down the middle... democrat-republican, conservative-liberal, Union-Confederacy. There are four major urban areas, but they have small suburbs and a large percentage of the population is relatively rural. Unemployment is very low compared to the national average. Conventional wisdom would suggest that a healthy economy would improve the chances for the incumbent. However, Virginia is the only state out of 50% where most political scientists agree that a third party nominee could have a major effect on the race, and even possibly win.

Running officially as an independent, but unofficially as a candidate for the Simian Party, Aperaham Lincoln (I) offers a third option to voters tired of the limited choices offered by bipartisan politics. On nearly all of the major issues, he takes a controversial stance that makes him an extremely divisive figure:

+Government: On one hand, he advocates across-the-board restrictions to the size of government. On the other hand, while serving in the Senate, he wrote a Banana Welfare Act that passed with overwhelming bipartisan support.
+Women's rights: he thinks human women should have no rights whatsoever. He says the same about human men. In a surprise move intended to woo the woman vote, he selected Dr. Jane Goodall as his VP running-mate.
+He has less foreign policy experience than either other candidate, but polling shows that 60% of VI voters think he is "strong" in that area, possibly due to his extremely silver back-hair.

Polling information, by and large, is spotty to the extreme in VI. Telephone polling is completely useless due to a total lack of telephones in the state. Internet polling is untrustworthy, since an estimated 75% of unique internet connections in the state are operated by spam-bots. (By national law, spam-bots are not allowed to vote, but this is a whole other thing.) Door-to-door polling, therefore, is pretty much the only information we have coming out of the state. Early polling results showed a tight race, with Obama and Romney pretty much splitting the vote until mid-October. At this point, the Ape City Council officially endorsed Aperaham Lincoln, and independent polling was restricted. In Greater Metropolitan Ape City, all polling is done by the ACC, and outside of the capital, pollsters are shot on sight by bazooka-wielding ape-patrols. According to the most recent polling data, the Simian Party is expected to get 100% of the vote, margin for error 0.1%.



It would be easy to write Mr. Lincoln off as a fringe candidate, and therefore ignore questions like "Can an ape be president?" and "Is there room for a third party in American politics?" if not for the fact that Aperaham Lincoln also appears to be leading in South Dakota, Iowa, New Mexico, and Puerto Rico.

[Ugly Bastard]

Would have voted for him had I realized he was an option.