Joke of the Day

[Schroeder]

Why doesn't a woman need a watch?
Because there is a clock on the oven.

[Alpha]

Same lines as Schroeders but still funny.

What is the difference between a Jew and a Pizza?
Jews scream in the oven.

[Orgazmo]

A couple of rednecks are out in the woods hunting when one of them suddenly grabs his chest and falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls 911. He gasps to the operator, "I think Bubba is dead! What should I do?"

The operator, in a calm soothing voice says, "Just take it easy and follow my instructions. First, make sure he's dead."

There is a silence, and then a shot is heard.

The guy's voice comes back on the line,

"Okay, he's dead."

[Orgazmo]

What do the 54,000 abused women every year have in common?

They don't fucking listen.

[the_butcher]

Ask me if I'm a truck.

"...are you a truck?"

No, you shithead. Where would get an idea like that?

Note: Works much better in real life.

[ August 20, 2003, 05:31 PM: Message edited by: the_butcher ]

[Schroeder]

What makes Mike Tyson's eyes water during sex?
mace

[Schroeder]

What do a pizza boy and a gynecoligist have in common?

They can both smell it, but they can't eat it!

[Orgazmo]

Q: How did Helen Keller burn the side of her face?
A: She answer the iron.

Q: How did Helen Keller's parents punish her?
A: They left the plunger in.

Q: What is Helen Keller's favorite color?
A: Corduroy.

Q: How did Helen Keller drive herself crazy?
A: Trying to read a stucco wall.

Q: Why does Helen Keller masturbate with one hand?
A: she needs the other to moan with.

Q: Why did Helen Keller's dog commit suicide?
A: You would too if your name was 'Urghrrghrghr'.

Q: Who is the cruelest man in the world?
A: The guy who raped Helen Keller, then cut off her hands so she couldn't tell anyone.

[ September 10, 2003, 11:10 PM: Message edited by: Orgazmo ]

[Pliedes]

Originally posted by Orgazmo:
The guy who raped Helen Keller, then cut off her hands so she couldn't tell anyone.

Can you blame me? She was trying to scream for help... they had to go.

[Titan]

Those were absolutely hilarious 'Gaz.
The only Hellen Keller joke I can remember was: How did Hellen Keller lose her hand? She tried to read a road sign.

[the_butcher]

Who would have thought that such hateful insults about a handicapped person could be so funny? Speaking of which, what is it with these handicapped people and taking all the good parking spaces?

Last part originally quoted by victim.

[victim]

Certainly beats "get a wheel chair".

Here's one:

What do you call 3 cripples moving down a sidewalk?

Target practice.

[Titan]

Here's one:

After sucking it up at the most current Basketball video game, victim states:
"That's why I don't play basketball... well that and the fact that I can't walk."

[Orgazmo]

This is from a maxim I read awhile ago.

Two turtles go camping and pack a cooler with sandwiches and beer. After three days of walking, they arrive at a great spot, but they’ve forgotten a bottle opener. The first turns to the second and says, “You’ve gotta go back and get the opener or else we’ve got no beer.”

“No way,” says the second turtle. “By the time I get back, you’ll have eaten all the food.”

“I promise I won’t,” replies the first. “Just hurry.”

Nine full days pass and still no sign of the second turtle. Finally, the other digs into the sandwiches.

Suddenly, the second turtle pops out from behind a rock and yells, “I knew it! I’m not fucking going!”

[Orgazmo]

What was going through Princess Di's head right before she died?

The engine

[benegesseritwitch]

Nice.

[Orgazmo]

What did one joke thread say to the other joke thread?

Hey, why do you exist? I was here when you were made. Your creator probably should have just put your content right into me. He also should have looked through me to ensure that all of his material was unique. Because proper precautions weren't taken, we now have a semi-active thread which is completely covered by an interestingly-dormant thread. That sucks.

[underwater]

okay, so some people might think that the dead baby jokes are getting really fucking old... but fruitacious b had a huge list of them today, and two of them i found really freakin hilarious..

why did the baby cross the road?

it was stapled to the chicken.

what is charcoal black and smells really bad?

a baby chewing on an electrical cord.

[Orgazmo]

What did 0 say to 8?

<font size="1">Nice Belt</font>

[Saint DH]

Here's a funny one.

This guy walks into his house one night and it's very late. He's been out all night drinking at the bars and hanging out with his friends. He gets home and his wife is super pissed. She instantly starts nagging him.

"Where have you been all night? Do you know what time it is? You're so drunk!"

For some reason the guy is holding a real, live duck. His wife is pretty baffled by this, and asks him why his stupid drunk ass has a live duck. In his drunken state, the man basically ignores his wife and says.

"Do you see this pig I'm going to fuck tonight?"

His wife replies, "You moron, that's not a pig, that's a duck."

In response, the man says, "I was talking to the duck."

[ February 16, 2005, 10:14 PM: Message edited by: Dirty Harry ]

[Ugly Bastard]

That's hilarious. God damnit do I love when this thread gets revived.

-Ugly Bastard

[Ugly Bastard]

The Perfect Day

The Perfect Day - Her

8:45 Wake up to hugs and kisses
9:00 5 lbs lighter on the scale
9:30 Light Breakfast
11:00 Sunbathe
12:30 Lunch with best friend at outdoor cafe
1:45 Shopping
2:30 Run into boyfriend's/husband's ex and notice she's gained 30 lbs
3:00 Facial, massage, nap
7:30 Candlelight dinner for two and dancing
10:00 Make love
11:30 Pillow talk in his big strong arms

The Perfect Day - Him

6:45 Alarm.
7:00 Shower and massage.
7:30 Blowjob.
7:45 Massive dump while reading USA Today sports section.
8:15 Limo arrives, Stoli Bloody Marys.
8:30 Butler Aviation, O'Hare Field, Lear Jet to Augusta, Georgia.
9:30 Front nine holes, Augusta National Golf Club.
11:30 Lunch - 2 dozen oysters, 3 Heinekens.
12:30 Blowjob.
12:45 Back nine holes, Augusta National Golf Club.
2:30 Limo to Augusta Airport, Bombay Sapphire Martini.
3:30 Nassau, Bahamas, Afternoon fishing with all female crew (topless). Sex for each fish caught. Catch 1249 lb. Blue Marlin. Grilled tuna and steamed lobster appetizers, six Heinekens, nap.
6:15 Blowjob.
6:30 Lear Jet return flight, total body massage in transit.
7:30 Shit, shower, shave.
8:00 Watch CNN Live coverage of Bill Clinton's resignation. Hillary and Al Gore are indicted in the same scandal (which involves graphic pictures and large farm animals).
9:00 Dinner at Ritz Carlton, Oysters Casino, 20 oz. Filet mignons (rare), Gorgonzola salad, Fettucini Alfredo, Chateau Lafite Rothschild 1963 (magnum) creme brute, Louis XII Cognac, Cohiba Lancero
10:30 Sex with 3 women, all from different countries
11:30 Whirlpool, steam and massage. Women quietly get dressed, hail cab and leave. Midnight Blowjob. Sleep

-Ugly Bastard

[Orgazmo]

What did one fish in the tank say to the other?

<span class="spoilbear" onmouseover="this.style.color='000000'" onmouseout="this.style.color='cccccc'">Can you drive this thing?

What's blue and fucks old women?

<span class="spoilbear" onmouseover="this.style.color='000000'" onmouseout="this.style.color='cccccc'">Hypothermia

or

<span class="spoilbear" onmouseover="this.style.color='000000'" onmouseout="this.style.color='cccccc'">Me in my lucky blue coat

What did one clown-eating cannibal say to the other clown-eating cannibal?

<span class="spoilbear" onmouseover="this.style.color='000000'" onmouseout="this.style.color='cccccc'">Does this taste funny?

What do tupperware and a walrus have in common?

<span class="spoilbear" onmouseover="this.style.color='000000'" onmouseout="this.style.color='cccccc'">They both like a tight seal.

What's black and sits at the top of the stairs?

<span class="spoilbear" onmouseover="this.style.color='000000'" onmouseout="this.style.color='cccccc'">Christopher Reeves during a housefire. (RIP)

[ February 16, 2005, 11:21 PM: Message edited by: Orgazmo ]

[Ironic Mustache]

What's blue and fucks old women?

SBC

[Ironic Mustache]

What do call black guy that's in court and not the defendant?

<span class="spoilbear" onmouseover="this.style.color='ffffff'" onmouseout="this.style.color='000000'">A hung jury.

Gaz, sorry I just noticed in your first post you said to post funny jokes here.