somethings all girls should know and a dirty something added....

[Niger Angelus]

Well here is a little something for you to all read. I hope it brings a little chuckle to you all:

50 things i wish girls knew......

1. If you want to cuddle after sex go buy a teddy bear.

2. Swallow. Don't start the race if you ain't gonna finish it.

3. While giving a hand job please remove all rings from your fingers, they hurt really bad.

4. Shave your shit. Seriously, shave it bald.

5. Remember that a little blood never hurt nobody.

6. There is no such thing as a fat, ugly, blow job.

7. If you ask us to any sort of dance that requires that we wear a tie, we expect a sexual

favor in return.

8. If you used a vibrator and let us watch it might be the greatest moment of our life.

9. If you wonder why we will not eat you out it is most likely because; it stinks, its

hairy, or it stinks and its hairy.

10. You masturbate and we know it. When you do it just let us watch.

11. Birth control is the best invention ever. Start poppin those bitches.

12. Just cause we call you when we are drunk does not mean that we like you. It means that

we need some ass.

`13. Guys night out means guys night out. It doesn't mean that you and your friends meet us

at the bar later.

14. If you wonder why your ass looks fat in those tight pants its because you have a fat

ass.

15. If you are with us and you start to cry for any reason just get up and leave.

16. Don't think that we don't know that after we take you out and you order a salad to make

us think you eat healthy that you go home and order pizza with your fat friends.

17. Once again, seriously shave your shit.

18. Just cause you get our dick one night, does not give you any right to get it the next.

19. If we drink too much, we do not need someone to hold our hair back and act like our

babysitter. We have puked before and know how to handle it.

20. After we are through with you, do not expect to make us jealous by fucking our friends.

We really don't care what you do.

21. If we cheat on you and you never find out about it, then its not cheating.

22. If we cheat on you and you do find out, at least it wasn't with one of your friends.

23. Swallow(just in case you forgot #2 already).

24. We don't have a problem with watching chick flicks as long as we get in your pants

after.

25. Never under any circumstance take a shit while you are around us or fart. Just thinking

about it makes us sick.

26. While giving us head don't be afraid to fondle our testicles, they don't bite.

27. If you are gonna jerk us off aim properly, a nut can irritate your eye.

28. Always remember that men are the superior sex and back in the day you had to ask us if

you could speak.

29. If we're about to have sex and we decline because we don't have a rubber its not

because we're scared we're gonna get you pregnant, its that we're scared we're gonna catch

something from your dirty skank ass.

30. If you swallow like you should, do not expect us to kiss you after. Sorry that's just

the way it is.

31. I don't care if you do have a flavored condom, you just don't give a blow job with a

condom on. Would you like us to eat you out with a dental damn?? I didn't think so.

32. If we're doing it doggy style there is no reason to turn around and look at us, we're

focused on your ass cheeks and that slapping sound.

33. Blood stains on our bed sheets come off with cold water, so make sure you scrub them

thoroughly before leaving.

34. When we go down on you to munch on your rug and we instantly start sucking on the inner

thighs rather than the clit, its because your clit smells like a dead trout.

35. If you let us donkey punch you we will owe you for life.

36. Just cause we have sex with you when we are drunk does not mean that you are pretty or

that we like you. It means that you were our only choice.

37. If we dance with you for more than 15 minutes at a bar we expect you to come home with

us.

38. If you think that you are ugly, we probably do too.

39. Don't count on us saying we love you, its just not going to happen.

40. If for some reason we do say we love you its only because we want to have sex

immediately after we say it.

41. Just cause you have our phone number doesn't mean we want you to call us. If we want to

talk then we will call you.

42. If you invite us over to watch a movie it would be awesome if we watched a porn instead

of a movie.

43. If you can't dance then you most likely suck in bed. So stop trying to dance and start

having more sex.

44. Hmmmmm......girls in thongs.......yummmmmmmmmm

45. If you are fat the only way you are going to get anywhere in life is to give great blow

jobs. Sorry that's just the way it is.

46. A sure way to keep a guy around for awhile is to have anal sex with him. We can't put

into words how it feels.

47. You don't have to ask our permission to make out with another chick. Just do it but

make sure we are there to watch.

48. In case you didn't read #4 and #17 let me repeat...Shave your shit!

49. Guys don't have sex or make love, we fuck.

50. You can impress us if you can swallow our entire load without dripping or wiping your

mouth afterwards.


one legged pirate
do a girl in the ass and spit on her back....she turns around and u bust in her eye then

kick her in the leg then she hops up and down on one leg and goes ARGHHH

[St. Anky]

Haha, good work Niger. I dont know about the blood stains part though... kinda grossed me out. Nontheless, damn find job here.

I give it a 10! A fucking 10!

[gbc]

That was one of the funniest things i have heard in my life read this.
Sorry they are all labled one.
"The Rules"
We always hear "the rules" from the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side. These are our rules! Please note ...these are all Numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Sometimes we are not thinking about you. Live with it.

1. Sunday = sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

1. Don't cut your hair. Ever!! Long hair is always more attractive than short hair. One of the big reasons guys fear getting married is that married women always cut their hair, and by then we're stuck with you.

1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just spit it out!

1. We don't remember dates. Mark birthdays and anniversaries on a calendar. Remind us frequently beforehand.

1. Most guys own three pairs of shoes - tops!! What makes you think we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress?

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

1. Check your oil! Please!!!!!

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.

1. If you won't dress like a Victoria's Secret model, don't expect us to act like a soap opera guy.

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us. We'll refuse to answer.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of those ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

1. Let us ogle. We are going to look anyway; it's genetic.

1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions, and neither do we.

1. The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two months we were going out. Get over it. And quit whining to your girlfriends.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, it's like the Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

1. We are not mind readers and we never will be. Our lack of mind-reading ability is not proof of how little we care about you.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really!

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as navel lint, the shotgun formation, or monster trucks.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. Foreign films are best left to foreigners. (Unless it's Bruce Lee or some war flick where it doesn't really matter what the hell they're saying anyway.)

1. It is neither in your best interest or ours to take the quiz together. No, it doesn't matter which quiz.

1. Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know I have to sleep on the couch tonight, but did you know we really don't mind that, it's like camping.

1. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut and still think they are beautiful!

[Titan]

I just got done reading that second list from my old emails.

It's classic.

[gbc]

Yes very much so. I got it from snowboard.com

[Arsenic]

Same here gbc..

I saw it somewhere on there

Yes it is classic.

[MAGICLIT]

*Bump

Niger is pretty damn funny.

[Carnivorous Flavor]

he's a plagerist

[Carnivorous Flavor]

he's a plagerist

[MAGICLIT]

and you're a double poster.

[Carnivorous Flavor]

i was for emphasis.

[bloodyfart]

hes a playerist

[Carnivorous Flavor]

whoot whoot!!! play on playa!

[Ironic Mustache]

33 and 35 are the best.

[MAGICLIT]

on # 33, warm/hot water is best.

[Ironic Mustache]

I've always had better luck with cold water. Then again, I was cleaning actual blood rather than uterus lining.