Tucker Story: The Most Surreal Night of My Life

[Ugly Bastard]

A-la Tucker Max, here is another story:

The Most Surreal Night of My Life

While visiting my poker friend Michael in Houston I got in touch with a girl I know from skydiving (and dropzone.com) named "Brittany". We decided to meet at this bar called the "Wild West". This place is pure Texas. Country music, dance floor, tons of guys in cowboy hats ready to beat your ass. Michael and I rolled up in his BMW in our polo shirts completely out of place. Everyone in this bar had jeans and a cowboy hat on, including Brittany. When I first saw her I could immediately tell I was going to like her. She is this five foot nothing girl who can't possibly weigh more than 100 pounds. That in mind, she is quite the drinker. After hugging her and saying our hellos, we got down to business. Brittany and I started off with some various mixed drinks. After a few hours of mingling at the Wild West and commenting about how out of place Michael and I were, I realized I was shitfaced. We're talking drunk ass what-is-my-name? shitfaced. Brittany, who had been going drink for drink with me the whole night, indicates that she is sober enough to drive. I tell Michael that I am going to go hang out with Brittany and that he should drive himself home. Brittany and I leave, all the while I'm questioning how in the fuck she is even halfway capable of operating a motor vehicle. Oh well…

Brittany drives us the 10 minutes back to her apartment. When we get there, she goes upstairs to schmooze with her boyfriend. Their roommate Ted is downstairs. Ted, this 35 year old bald guy with a few minor psychotic issues, and I get to talking. He was wearing a Chicago Bears sweatshirt, so I immediately liked him (being a die-hard Bears fan). Brittany comes back downstairs after a couple minutes and looks at Ted (who's had a few drinks himself) and says "so you wanna jump?" Ted's like "yea sure why not?" At this point, realizing that they are both drunk at that it's 2 am, I am like "you guys are joking around, right?" The looks on their faces indicate to me that they are not joking one bit; they intend to make a BASE jump tonight. Brittany tells Ted "fuck it, I'll go upstairs and get ready".

Ted gets out his BASE rig and starts preparing it. The plan is to go to go to this building that is currently being constructed. Brittany and Ted have jumped it a few times before. Ted indicates to me that I am more than welcome to come along with them and observe. This tickles me pink. At this point, I had been a skydiver for about 2 years, but I had never even observed a BASE jump. You see, BASE jumping is illegal, and the whole community kinda operates in a covert style. Normal-ass skydivers don't just get invited to go watch a BASE jump. While I realized that their drunkenness was a big proponent in me getting invited along to watch this jump, I was still excited-as-hell and eager to watch my first BASE jump.

After about a half hour of farting around and getting their gear together, Brittany, Ted, and I leave for the building. Brittany gives me her Handicam. My job will be to film their jump using the NightVision setting. On the ten minute drive there, we are all shooting the shit. Ted asks me where I am from, and I tell him "Indiana". He's like "oh okay, cool, I was born in Indiana." I was like "oh wow, no shit? What city?" Ted replies "oh this little town called 'Warsaw'" I immediately shit my pants and say "NO FUCKING CHRIST?!?!? I WAS BORN IN WARSAW TOO! LIVED THE FIRST 18 YEARS OF MY LIFE THERE!!!!" Ted's response was anti-climactic considering we both just realized we were both born in the same small-ass town; but maybe you'll have that. At this point, the stage is set for a very surreal night in Houston.

Finally we arrive at the scene for the BASE jump. It's a 15 story office building being constructed in an area full of several other office buildings. On top of the building is a crane. The plan is to get up to the crane, climb out to the end of it, and jump off. However, Brittany and Ted immediately realize that things are different than normal. Although it is 3 am on a Wednesday, the building is currently full of construction workers. They hypothesize that the workers must be under a crunch to get the building done on time and are therefore working around the clock. I am quite bummed out realizing that this BASE jump isn't going to happen. BASE jumping is quite illegal, and this building is crawling with workers.

Ted suggests we kinda circle the parameter a little bit to see if it's possible to get up to the top and do the jump without anyone noticing. We walk around the bottom floor of this half-constructed building for what seems like eternity. It had to be at least a half-hour of nothing but concrete walls and open-wires trying to find the route to get to the top of this building. I mean, picture a James Bond scene here. We are all being very quiet, tip-toeing around trying not to alert the workers that someone is on the bottom floor. Before taking a corner, we would peer around it slowly. Whispering and hand motions were how we communicated. We were breaking the law. Tresspassing is a crime. Let alone BASE jumping. After having a hardtime locating the stair-shaft, we finally just gave up on the whole thing and started heading back to the car to go home.

After walking away from the building for a few feet, Brittany spots the part of the building that looks like the stair-shaft. We decide to head back in, and see if she is right. After working our way to a part of the building not yet traveled, we find the elusive stairwell. For the first time in the night, I realize that it is extremely possible that this BASE jump might actually happen. Now, realize at this point I am drunk and wearing heavy shoes, khakis, and a polo shirt while carrying a HandiCam. I stick out like a sore thumb. Ted and Brittany at least have on athletic clothes and have somewhat sobered up by this point (or at least were doing a good job faking it).

They both decide to begin ascending the stairs. I follow like a lamb. A nervous, nervous lamb. We climb and we climb and we climb and we climb. 15 stories. That's 30 flights of stairs. Add in the fact that I was wearing dress shoes and was quite drunk, and you can imagine how fucking long it felt like to reach the top of this building.

About halfway to the top, we cross the floor that most of the workers are on. We stop and peer through the stairs. There are at least 6 guys working on this floor. It is dark, and they can't see us. It seems that if we rush up the stairs really fast we should be able to get by them without being seen. Me and my big clunky shoes drag up the tail end of our group as we rush past the workers. I am positive that if they didn't see us, they at the very least heard us. We continue.

Finally after a solid 15 minutes of climbing stairs, we reach the summit. We make our way over to the edge of the building. I look down and begin to realize how high we are. At this point I am starting to sober up, and it's beginning to set in on me what a crazy-ass night this is. There is nothing but a flimsy cable-cord separating us from tripping-and-falling 300 feet to our deaths. I peer over the edge, get a little nervous, and look at Brittany and Ted in a way that indicates to them that I think they are both fucking out of their minds. They begin unloading their gear out of their gear-bags, as they start discussing the logistics of the jump. At this point, I can tell Brittany is having second thoughts about the jump due to the wind velocity. However, Ted seems pretty adamant about reaching ground-level a la parachute, so it seems the jump is still going to happen.

While they are discussing technicalities of the jump, I am looking around the top floor of this building trying to fully appreciate what an insane situation I have found myself in. There are open wires everywhere. It is pitch black. Nothing but the moon-light is able to indicate to me that this is a dangerous construction zone with a poorly blocked-off edge. The turning point in the night happens when I notice some flashlight beams coming up the stairwell. By the time I barely get done saying "Ted, flashlights!"; two big black construction workers are up in our grill saying "what are you guys doing up here???"

At this point, I realize my role is to shut-the-fuck-up and let Brittany and Ted do the talking. BASE jumpers are somewhat trained in talking themselves out of situations like this. I am not a BASE jumper. Brittany uses her Southern-charm and says "oh we're just lookin around at the beautiful view." The construction workers are trying to be resolute in their mission, but it's not working. One of them sheepishly says "well…well… y'all aren't supposed to be up here". Brittany innocently says "oh we're not?? We're sorry, we were just checkin out the scenary." Realizing the power they have in the situation, the workers get more confident and say "well, y'all need to be getting outta here." We continue to act very cooperative and innocent and start following the workers back down the 30 flights of stairs. For the most part, we are silent while making our way to ground level. I contemplate how scared I am and how much I hope we don't get arrested for trespassing. I am really starting to sober up and really starting to fully appreciate just how fucked up this situation is.

Things are going well, but descending the stairs is taking us a while. About halfway down the stairs, we round the corner and see an older guy with white hair standing there waiting to greet us. It is apparent he is the foreman or has at least some sort of major responsibility on this construction site. "Well, well, well" he says. "Trespassing a construction zone at three in the morning." The foreman starts dropping some fancy words like "cops" and "lawsuit" and "liability". At this point my heart is beating as though I just ran 3 miles in a dead sprint. Ted takes over and says a few magical words, "sir, we are very sorry. We are going to leave now, and you will never ever see us here again." The foreman has a moment mercy and tells us to get the fuck outta there and never come back. We thank him and continue following the black men down the stairs while quite nervously relieved.

Finally after a few more minutes of descending, we reach the bottom. The black guys kinda stop and nod at us. Ted gets a little courage and says, "well, don't ya wanna know what is in our bags?" The black guys say "well, yea, we was kinda wonderin about that". Ted says, "parachutes". The black guys kinda stand there looking puzzled for a few seconds. Finally, at the same time, a light clicks on in their heads. One of them says "y'all were gonna jump off this thing??!" I pipe up and say "they're fucking nuts, aren't they?" (as it is clear I was not prepared to jump). The black guys say "yea y'all are fuckin crazy." We all laugh together and say our goodbyes and begin making our way back to the car.

I spent the car-ride back to their apartment in the backseat thanking the Lord that I didn't get arrested. After getting back, Brittany pretty immediately goes up to her room to be with her boyfriend. Ted sets me up so I can sleep on their couch for the night. As if the night couldn't get any weirder, he asks me if I "want to see some real fucked up stuff?" I say "yea why not?"

Ted pulls out a VHS-tape from the entertainment center. The label on the tape says "This Could Happen To You". He puts it in, and the first image I see is a young lady waving to her friends before jumping off a cliff. At the time where she is supposed to pull her parachute, she beings to struggle and flail. A few seconds later, she hits the rock below and her body bounces off in a different direction. The voices behind the camcorder are saying things like "oh shit" and "oh my fucking god". For the next half hour I watch morbid videos of people dying during BASE jumps. I had read about most of these incidents, but seeing the actual images is entirely different. These images would go on to haunt my dreams for the next month. I saw things on this video that I didn't want to see even in my nightmares. Ever. It is at this point that I realize just how crazy BASE jumpers are, and that it wasn't entirely impossible for me to be on the filming end of a fatality video this night. It finally dawns on me "if Ted and Brittany had jumped, how the fuck were they going to expect me to get back down?!?" I guess I was just going to have to hope that they waited for me by the car while I descended all those stairs and avoided prosecution-happy foremen. Crazy ass BASE jumpers….

[Orgazmo]

Christ, that sounds like quite the little adventure.

Ya, I was kinda wondering how you were going to get down after they jumped. About half way through, I just kinda figured that guys would come chasing after the three of you and you would be left with a choice: either hang on to one of them while they jumped or get arrested. As the workers approached, you couldn't make up your mind. Would you risk doom for a clean record? Was it really worth it? With both of the jumpers hassling you to hang on and shut the fuck up, you, at the last possible moment, grab hold of the chick and quickly take the plunge. The construction workers shine their lights on you as you sail away into the darkness...but you don't care, you're laughing nervously at the situation...how close you were to being arrested, how brave you were to grab Brittany before she jumped from the building, and how little the construction workers can do as they watch helplessly from the building's top. You're on top of the world...that is, until you hear Ted's screams that culminate with a loud crashing noise. You search for him in the darkness...but it's no use. Neither sight nor sound can find the poor man. What fate has he met? What if you had grabbed him instead of Brittany? Where would you be then? Alive? All of these things rush through your head in the nanosecond it takes you to realize that something has gone wrong.

Then you land and everything's okay.

[f3lix]

Helluva story. Glad to read it, sir. Gaz, way to create an alternate ending. I miss you two fuckers.

[Orgazmo]

If you really wanted, you could buy us plane tickets to come visit...

[angry pancake]

I know Drunk Ted.

[Plato]

not a good story please end your life, ub

[THEINCREDIBLEdork]

i'm going to put my neck out here and state that base jumping isn't illegal...

[Heaven Can Wait]

My guess is that base jumping isn't illegal, but things in the process would be, ie trespassing.

[Ugly Bastard]

It's most definitely illegal. There are only a couple places in the world that local governments have given the green light for jumpers to legally jump off of. The bridge my friend died on the other day was one of those places.

[THEINCREDIBLEdork]

http://go.sosd.com/servlet/nrp?cmd=s...lifornia&lno=1
"More than 5,000 jumps are made annually from the bridge, the only location in the United States where BASE jumpers -- short for the buildings, antennae, spans and earth from which participants leap -- aren't required to get a special permit for year-round jumps."

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Base_jumping

"In the United States, skydiving from an airplane involves regulations set by the FAA, notably the requirement of an airplane jumper to carry two parachutes. Since BASE jumping does not involve an airplane, the FAA has no jurisdiction.
The legal issues that a BASE jumper must consider concern permissions to use the object that is being jumped, and the area used for landing."

not illegal

[Mr. Blonde]

ouch.

[Ugly Bastard]

Hmm. I guess you're right. I mean, amongst the community, it is most definetly viewed as illegal. I guess that's just the tresspassing, etc that goes along with making a jump. I didn't realize that jumping in and of itself isn't illegal.

[Mr. Blonde]

in UB's defense, i'm sure theres 2 kinds of base jumpers... the legit ones and the 'real' ones (as i'm sure theyre seen...) the underground ones who do all the illegal jumps. these people are pry most common since legal places are so hard to find/exclusive.