Secret Santa

[Repugnant Abomination]

I don't think you deserve a present anyway.

[DDTempest]

Originally Posted by Ugly Bastard

Umm... did you just do what it looks like you did?

I sure didn't. I guess me along with one other person was responsible enough to send our gifts in a timely manner, which is more than can be said about you bunch of hooligans! Hooligans ruining christmas!

[Orgazmo]

Ironic Mustache, your santa has asked me to relay the message that your package will be shipped on Monday.

[Orgazmo]

Pliedes, your santa asks that you check your PO box.

[Pliedes]

Let me tell you a little Christmas story.

- - - -

This morning young Pliedes awoke full of Christmas cheer! It had been snowing for days, and a gentle blanket of snow covered the evergreen trees. Birds were chirping in the background.

"Finally, it is finished!" he exclaimed, and prepared his package for delivery. "Only one more piece to the puzzle" he thought to himself, "but after work, it will be complete!" He imagined the joy on the recipient's face when the precious gift was opened...

Work went by fast that day. Cooking shitty food japanese food was usually a chore, but the day's end would fulfill someone's Christmas wish. He kindly asked his boss, a older Egyptian woman who's tongue slipped to her native Arabic when mad, if he could leave work early today.

"Why" she asked.

"I must mail my Secret Santa, of course."

"What is this 'secret santa'?" she asked, with a puzzled look on her face. Even though her Coptic Orthodox background celebrated the Birth of Christ, she had no idea what Pliedes was talking about.

"Well...some friends and I all traded names, and each bought a gift for another, with no one knowing the identity of their gift-giver..." He left out the part about the infamous web forum choked full of debauchery and hate.

"Really!" A smile broke across her face. "That's wonderful!" Pliedes was thankful that their was at least some selfless element to this twisted holiday tradition. "Of course you can leave early." Holiday miracle #1.

The local post office, like all US post offices, closes at five. When he left the restaurant Pliedes' watch read 4:09. "Plenty of time" he thought to himself. But the last piece of the gift was yet to be obtained....

Peeling out of the parking lot like a hillbilly from Warsaw, he spend out onto the road, narrowly beating a semi-truck that tailed his ass like...well, someone who had peeled out in front of him. Remember that snow from earlier? Well at this point a "gentle blanket" had become a "county-wide clusterfuck". Approaching a long line of stopped traffic, he was abhorred to see a jackknifed semi blocking the entire lane. "Oh shit" he thought... "wait, I can take Barber Cut-Off Rd and go around the mess. Yes, that is really the name of a road.

Speeding down a country road Pliedes passed a few kids still walking home, presumably from after school activities. "Wouldn't it be hilarious if I hit the little fuckers and blamed it on the ice?" he thought to himself, knowing it had no bearing on the narrative at hand.

Finally he approached the downtown. But what was this? "Are you fucking kidding me?" A schoolbus teetered off the side of the road, with it's wide yellow ass covering most of the road. "Fucking a." After nearly 20 minutes of being parked in the middle of the road, and not one, or two, but three, worthless cops attempting to direct traffic, Pliedes finally managed to circumvent the obstacle. "I should be a cop- easy gig" he thought.

4:48, the clock read. "Oh fuck" he thought, speeding towards the Post Office. Parking at speed resulted in a half-cocked position that took up four spots. "Fuck 'em." Pliedes ran into the store, desperately seeking the final piece of his holiday gift. He quickly acquired said object. Then the checkout line. The motherfucking, goddamned check out line. There were only three people in front of our young hero- an old lady, a middle aged man, and a young mother with her small child. Grandma there was the sorest sight, yet she sped through the process with ease. "Hungry gal", he thought. Next was the man, who had aged 10 years in the 5 minutes it took him to pass through the checkout. Fucking pork rinds. Seriously, fucking pork rinds. Who eats that shit? Bud Light, 12 pack, bottles. Stupid fucker- watered down flavorless piss beer. Unless you count the piss flavor.

Noticing my anticipation the young (though ugly) mother asked "Would you like to go ahead of me, you only have one item?" "THANK YOU!" he exclaimed, then noted "it's for a christmas gift." She gave a confused look, but still let him go ahead. Miracle #2


Pliedes ran from the store like a man possessed.

In his vehicle he assembled the finished product. A smile broke o'er his face as he imagined the recipient opening the gift. "Confusion, awkwardness, acceptance.... A fine gift, indeed!"

As he ran to the post office, a mere 100 feet away, Pliedes stuttered-stepped to keep from slipping on the ice. The weather was pretty bad, but not for a secret santa! With the snow, miracles, pristine setting- it all seemed like a cheesy holiday film that Jim Carrey would probably ruin by overacting...yet this time he was lead.

The entry door cleared he ran towards the office door.

*clunk*

(shakes door)

*clunk clunk*

Pliedes could clearly see through the Postal Worker through the glass, performing some menial task. The shades were still up, indicating they were open. The "open sign" was still turned forward. THE FUCKING EMPLOYEE WAS AT HIS POST. Yet the door was locked.

5:02, his watch read.

Pliedes banged on the door. "What the fuck?" he exclaimed, not caring who was listening. The employee ignored him. *bang bang bang bang bang* "WHAT THE FUCK!" He yelled, making any attempt to get his attention. The man looked up for a moment, dismissingly tapped his own watch a few times to indicate my tardiness, then looked back down. *bang bang bang* his hand sounded, though this time utilizing the international gesture of non-brotherhood- the middle finger. Oh, this time he understood. He made a disgruntled look and walked into a back room. The irony was the man himself. He had the ability to make a Christmas dream come true- and this man, I shit you not, looked like fucking Santa Claus. Not a full on fat man belly, but a beer belly. Not a long white beard, but a peppered white-brown half bread. Not long white hair, but a greying half-bald old fellow. Pliedes had envisioned miracle #3, the perfect end to his Christmas tale- and then this asshole had to be a fucking stringent prick and deny some kid his christmas gift. Fucking piece of shit. Pliedes was half ready to wait for the fucker around back, find which car was his, and "decorate" it appropriately. But knowing the USPS has cameras everywhere, he instead when back to his has to true friend, an unopened bottle of Old Crow.

He then may or may not have typed some shitty story chronicling the event.

The moral of the story is: I haven't received my fucking gift yet, so fuck you if you don't have yours. Come monday I'm gonna pay extra just to make sure this package gets there as fast as possible. Not cause you deserve it, but because my present is fucking awesome and I worked hard on it.

[Pliedes]

Originally Posted by Orgazmo

Pliedes, your santa asks that you check your PO box.

Fuck me. Right after I get done with a long bitching post...still I just checked it, and it's not here yet.

That being said, "Yehaw!" It's close. Very close.

Pictures are a given, but I'll try to make video happen too.

[BigDongedHoe]

Originally Posted by Ironic Mustache

Uhhhhh........... Hmmm. I'm not great at math but Friday minus two = Wednesday I'm pretty sure.

Edit* Shit UB beat me to it while I was taking forever posting these pictures.

Anyway, here are some pics of my disappointment:



Here's me starting to open it, whilst inadvertantly making the gayest possible face:



And me with a look of total disappointment when I realize it's bullshit.

What the hell did you actually get?

[Ironic Mustache]

It was a invitation to buy a portable heater at the massivly discounted price of $435. It's actually kind of a big deal because I was personally selected to receive such an offer. On a side note, I'm a little bit buzzed and the picture of me with the santa hat and beard is totally making me laugh right now.

[THEINCREDIBLEdork]

epic tale by pliedes

that being said, I don't think his +internets are working properly. A person such as myself who has such a grand amount of internets as I have have should have him registered him as positive at my whim of +internets. was that a sentence?

Originally Posted by Ironic Mustache

It was a invitation to buy a portable heater at the massivly discounted price of $435. It's actually kind of a big deal because I was personally selected to receive such an offer.

And you denied such a flattering offer? You are truly modest Ironic Mustache.

[Repugnant Abomination]

IM looks so cute in his little pajama bottoms.

[DDTempest]

Originally Posted by Pliedes

epic telling

Way to build the suspense... a truly epic telling and nothing has happened yet! People need to hurry up and start receiving presents soon.

[Pliedes]

Originally Posted by THEINCREDIBLEdork

I have have should have him registered him

I'd like to see you diagram that sentence Props for unnecessary alliteration though...

Even though they're closed on Saturday, I went to the post office today to check my PO box. [they allow you to pickup packages on saturday from 7:30 to 10:30 am. weird, i know.] But the point is, my box was empty.

And I'm guessing my Secret Santa is either DD, cause he already sent it out, or Ugly, cause he's semi-responsible and has lots of money....or maybe even Shaw, cause he probably just wrapped up a 32 of Old English with a picture of his basketball team....

[THEINCREDIBLEdork]

I honestly re read that sentence like 4 times trying to figure out what was wrong with it.

Its amazing what a little sleep deprivation will do to your brain.

[DDTempest]

Originally Posted by Pliedes

And I'm guessing my Secret Santa is either DD, cause he already sent it out, or Ugly, cause he's semi-responsible and has lots of money....or maybe even Shaw, cause he probably just wrapped up a 32 of Old English with a picture of his basketball team....

I would like to think that nearly everyone has it sent out by the middle of last week at the latest. I fear that some people may not receive their presents until about Valentine's Day, which takes this thread from epic lulz to epic gayz.

[Ironic Mustache]

I swear I'm mailing on Saturday.

[Orgazmo]

Those of you called out for "should have received the god damned package"...do you live at an apartment? If so, if it were sent to your screenname instead of your real name, would that affect shit somehow?

Just trying to figure out why I've gotten so many "they should have the shit" yet no "I have the shit" messages.

[DDTempest]

Maybe the postal service is really lame this year. Or maybe there are liars amongst us. It would be embarrassing if we had liars AND racists on this board.

[Orgazmo]

UB, your Santa will be mailing Monday.

[Pliedes]

Originally Posted by DDTempest

if we had liars AND racists on this board.

What are you talking about? I love black people!

[Ironic Mustache]

I don't live in an apartment like some kind of savage minority.

[Orgazmo]

GWB: Your Santa has asked me to let you know that your package will be arriving in Chicago on the 26th or 27th.

[Orgazmo]

BDH: I've been asked to let you know that your gift has been shipped. The Santa even paid for extra shipping in an effort to get it there by Christmas.

[BigDongedHoe]

Originally Posted by Orgazmo

BDH: I've been asked to let you know that your gift has been shipped. The Santa even paid for extra shipping in an effort to get it there by Christmas.

That is fantastic, especially because I will be leaving for Florida Christmas day and will not be returning until Sunday, January 4th.

[Orgazmo]

Ugly Bastard, your Santa would like you to know that your package has shipped. Expect it the 29th or 30th.

[Orgazmo]

Tits, your gift should be here Friday or Saturday.