Cooking for Assholes II: Fresh Baked Bread - Nubblies.net Forums

Pliedes · 12-24-2008, 09:15 PM

I'm gonna give my speech at the beginning, since most you will probably just scroll through the pictures.

Bread is fucking easy to make. Human civilization finally took off once we discovered agriculture, roughly 10,000-11,000 years ago. Our first big discovery was selectively planting grain seeds that *didn't explode, to spread their seed*, rather than *exploding, to spread their seed*. In this way we harvested that nutritious seed, allowing us to grind it down and make bread, mostly. The same idea followed to every other facet of food. While this is a vast over-generalization- if human evolution is of any interest to you, read "Guns, Germs, and Steel" by Jared Diamond. It's non-technical and pop-culture-friendly- meaning you won't get bored, and might actually learn something.

Back to bread.

This shit is retardedly easy to make. FLOUR, YEAST, and WATER. Plus a little sugar and salt. Most of us can do complex math, yet most of us buy our bread at the local grocery.

Fresh bread tastes better than jebuz's cum. Don't believe me? First try this recipe, than go and suck off a demi-god.

But seriously, start making this bread during mid-afternoon, as it takes a while to rise...then forget about it a while and start drinking like you normally do. By the time you remember about the bread, go ahead and stick it in the oven. By the time it's done you'll be drunk as fuck, the PERFECT time to consume a delicious anthropological artifact. Plus, when it comes out of the oven, other drunkards will flock to you like the salmon of capistrano. I have often used this method to feed drunken hordes who would have otherwise blacked out in my living room. As it was, I sent them on their way with a delicious prize and food-bulk to absorb their alcohol.

Back to the bread. Seriously attempt this. If you can't do this, you're not a human being.

Stage I: "the Mixing"
These are the things you need.

Begin my activating the yeast. Yeast is fungus. They need something to feed off of, to reproduce from- sugar is porn for fungus.
1/4 cup lukewarm water + a packet of yeast + a small handful of white sugar.

Cover and place in a warm place. After 15 minutes you'll see the yeast begin to rise.
Wait until it has doubled in volume.

Add about a cup of water.

Add about a cup of flour.

Mix a bit. Add a bit of sugar, to taste. These past few steps [flour/water/mixing] can be repeated many times.] The more bread you want, the more flour and water you'll need to add near the beginning. One packet of yeast will easily eat 6 cups of flour...which will need at least 2-3 ups of water to form a dough. Sugar and salt to taste, though not needed, is tasty!

Pour yourself a glass of whiskey (this step is important!), then beat that mixture like you just got the new S.I. swimsuit addition...

KNEADING! This is the key step to producing decent bread.
Step 1: scoop.

Step 2: fold.

Step 3: punch. NOW, repeat the past three steps about 30-40 times. Kneading is basically massaging the bread. This process transforms it from a sticky blend of shit into a cohesive mass of bread. The folding and pressing binds together unseen molecules. KEY POINT!- if the dough is sticky, add a bit of flour, duh. As you press and fold more and more, it'll get sticky again...just add more flour- this is natural.

Stage II: "the Rising"
Put your properly processed dough into a bowl to rise. Ninja's placed for visual only.
They do not add to the taste.

Cover, and place in a warm place to rise. A perfect time to pre-heat your oven to 375 degrees.

After about 30 minutes. Feel free to punch down, then let rise again.
This techinique is like a small child- if you punch them too much, they'll end up being flat and hard, but if you only hit them occasionaly- in just the right amount- still letting them grow into their own individual....well that's one tasty child!

Punched once, 30 more minutes, further rising...

Grease a flat pan. You can use a bread pan if you'd like. Fuck, you can use anything. Lay down some greased tin foil if you want... seperate that shit into muffin pans... mold it into the face of yr favorite tv star, I really don't give a shit.

Form into a loaf. Or a lots of little rolls. Anything really. It's fucking bread, versatile as Reggie Miller... this shiz will seriously impress your family, mum, or significant other.

Slit a pattern into the top. I use horizontal cuts to help with slicing. 45 degree cuts are used in traditional french bread. Again, do whatever you'd like. Shape the bread into a giant cock and use a knife to 'circumcise' the bread, if that's what gets you off...

Cook that shit. About 30-45 minutes, depending on the size of your loaf.
This photo taken after about 30 minutes.

After about 50 minutes- I was drunk by this time- and making useless posts on nubblies, so it overcooked by about 5 minutes. Whatever- still tastes better than anything you can buy- yet alone at 1/5 the cost! Remove from the pan to a cooling area as soon as possible, otherwise it'll keep cooking on the pan...

Minutes after I took this photo, I proceeded to chop up and eat half the loaf. If you've never had fresh bread, you haven't lived. This recipe is EASY, and even if it comes out looking like frankenstein, it'll get better each time. Practice makes perfect, but experimentation feeds the mind. Do both and you might get somewhere.

Fresh baked bread, for assholes.

Mr. Blonde · 12-24-2008, 09:18 PM

I fucking hate you.

DDTempest · 12-24-2008, 10:26 PM

Nice Ninjas!

f3lix · 12-27-2008, 06:36 PM

Is your time really that invaluable to save $2?

Pliedes · 12-27-2008, 11:36 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by f3lix

Is your time really that invaluable to save $2?

Why make your own burgers on the grill when you can just go to McDonalds? Quality.

Time spent "physically doing something" amounted to 5 minutes, maybe. The yeast and an oven did all the heavy lifting. There really is a world of difference... plus I already have cheap store bread, and I was in the mood to cook.

Dent · 12-28-2008, 12:32 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by f3lix

Is your time really that invaluable to save $2?

Asshole statement, it's well known that fresh bread is in most people's (bar Blonde's) top 5 foods, feel free to eat fast food, you're missing out.

Mr. Blonde · 12-28-2008, 05:36 AM

Did you leave the ninjas in the bread?

tonguegina · 12-28-2008, 10:46 AM

I actually just made some wheat bread a couple of days ago. It's awesome. Very little effort and much better than store bought.

I do prefer store bought for sandwiches, though. Home made bread has a tendency to take over some of the flavor of the sandwich. At that point, I'm more interested in what's between the bread. Maybe if I toasted it first...

f3lix · 12-28-2008, 01:12 PM

You guys act like fast food is the only alternative to fresh bread at home. $2 fresh loaves at the grocery store are just fine with me and take no time or effort. I just can't imagine constantly making my own bread for such little savings.

Dent · 12-28-2008, 04:44 PM

Because its not all about money.

Mr. Blonde · 12-28-2008, 08:24 PM

if you're a decent cook f3lix, anything made fresh and by you is not only liable to taste better, but also be healthier, too. These guys aren't doing it to save money.

AcTivE · 12-29-2008, 03:14 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Mr. Blonde

if you're a decent cook f3lix, anything made fresh and by you is not only liable to taste better, but also be healthier, too. These guys aren't doing it to save money.

yes they are doing it to raise +Internets too

DDTempest · 01-01-2009, 06:49 PM

Ok Sensei Breadmaster. I have some questions. My first loaf turned out a little less bread flavored than I had anticipated and I am guessing I undercooked or punched it too much as the inside was still fairly moist and deflatedish.

How much salt / sugar do you add to flavor?

How can you tell when its done cooking?

How can you tell if you beat your redheaded stepchild bread too much?

Any other advanced pointers would be great. I pitched the first loaf after eating the tasty outsides of it and am now attempting a second.

Pliedes · 01-01-2009, 10:55 PM

Yeah, you definitely did not cook it thoroughly. To test for doneness use a toothpick- insert and pull out, see how easily it goes in...is it sticky? Then its not ready yet- heat it up a bit more. By the end I usually just cut into the thing and look for myself.

Cooking time varies. Assume half an hour at 350. If its not cooking fast enough, turn the oven up. The end product should be hard and brown on the outside, and white and fluffy on the inside.

A smallish tablespoon of salt is plenty. A small handful of sugar is plenty.

Use quality flour, and the more yeast, the better imo.

DDTempest · 01-02-2009, 10:49 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Pliedes

Assume half an hour at 350.

WAIT ONE SECOND SIR!!!! Above you said 30 - 45 minutes at 375 now you are saying 350! Holy hell man!

Pliedes · 01-02-2009, 05:54 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by DDTempest

WAIT ONE SECOND SIR!!!! Above you said 30 - 45 minutes at 375 now you are saying 350! Holy hell man!

Don't know what I was thinking, definitely 375, or more.

If yours was soft in the middle, crank the oven up. 45 min and 375 is an estimate depending on the size of the loaf. If 45 minutes wasn't enough, cook it longer. Peek at it every ten minutes or so until its done.

Check the bread- if its soft and pale- cook it more. If its crusty and medium brown- then its done. Don't pay attention to the clock, pay attention to the bread.

DDTempest · 01-08-2009, 09:59 PM

Third attempt came out better. Bread didn't seem to want to rise too much this time... but then again its only 62 degrees in my house so a far cry from ideal rise temperatures.

12-24-2008, 09:15 PM	#1 (permalink)
Pliedes Senior Member Join Date: Oct 2002 Location: Puget Sound Posts: 4,594 Internets: 1608	Cooking for Assholes II: Fresh Baked Bread I'm gonna give my speech at the beginning, since most you will probably just scroll through the pictures. Bread is fucking easy to make. Human civilization finally took off once we discovered agriculture, roughly 10,000-11,000 years ago. Our first big discovery was selectively planting grain seeds that didn't explode, to spread their seed, rather than exploding, to spread their seed. In this way we harvested that nutritious seed, allowing us to grind it down and make bread, mostly. The same idea followed to every other facet of food. While this is a vast over-generalization- if human evolution is of any interest to you, read "Guns, Germs, and Steel" by Jared Diamond. It's non-technical and pop-culture-friendly- meaning you won't get bored, and might actually learn something. Back to bread. This shit is retardedly easy to make. FLOUR, YEAST, and WATER. Plus a little sugar and salt. Most of us can do complex math, yet most of us buy our bread at the local grocery. Fresh bread tastes better than jebuz's cum. Don't believe me? First try this recipe, than go and suck off a demi-god. But seriously, start making this bread during mid-afternoon, as it takes a while to rise...then forget about it a while and start drinking like you normally do. By the time you remember about the bread, go ahead and stick it in the oven. By the time it's done you'll be drunk as fuck, the PERFECT time to consume a delicious anthropological artifact. Plus, when it comes out of the oven, other drunkards will flock to you like the salmon of capistrano. I have often used this method to feed drunken hordes who would have otherwise blacked out in my living room. As it was, I sent them on their way with a delicious prize and food-bulk to absorb their alcohol. Back to the bread. Seriously attempt this. If you can't do this, you're not a human being. Stage I: "the Mixing" These are the things you need. Begin my activating the yeast. Yeast is fungus. They need something to feed off of, to reproduce from- sugar is porn for fungus. 1/4 cup lukewarm water + a packet of yeast + a small handful of white sugar. Cover and place in a warm place. After 15 minutes you'll see the yeast begin to rise. Wait until it has doubled in volume. Add about a cup of water. Add about a cup of flour. Mix a bit. Add a bit of sugar, to taste. These past few steps [flour/water/mixing] can be repeated many times.] The more bread you want, the more flour and water you'll need to add near the beginning. One packet of yeast will easily eat 6 cups of flour...which will need at least 2-3 ups of water to form a dough. Sugar and salt to taste, though not needed, is tasty! Pour yourself a glass of whiskey (this step is important!), then beat that mixture like you just got the new S.I. swimsuit addition... KNEADING! This is the key step to producing decent bread. Step 1: scoop. Step 2: fold. Step 3: punch. NOW, repeat the past three steps about 30-40 times. Kneading is basically massaging the bread. This process transforms it from a sticky blend of shit into a cohesive mass of bread. The folding and pressing binds together unseen molecules. KEY POINT!- if the dough is sticky, add a bit of flour, duh. As you press and fold more and more, it'll get sticky again...just add more flour- this is natural. Stage II: "the Rising" Put your properly processed dough into a bowl to rise. Ninja's placed for visual only. They do not add to the taste. Cover, and place in a warm place to rise. A perfect time to pre-heat your oven to 375 degrees. After about 30 minutes. Feel free to punch down, then let rise again. This techinique is like a small child- if you punch them too much, they'll end up being flat and hard, but if you only hit them occasionaly- in just the right amount- still letting them grow into their own individual....well that's one tasty child! Punched once, 30 more minutes, further rising... Grease a flat pan. You can use a bread pan if you'd like. Fuck, you can use anything. Lay down some greased tin foil if you want... seperate that shit into muffin pans... mold it into the face of yr favorite tv star, I really don't give a shit. Form into a loaf. Or a lots of little rolls. Anything really. It's fucking bread, versatile as Reggie Miller... this shiz will seriously impress your family, mum, or significant other. Slit a pattern into the top. I use horizontal cuts to help with slicing. 45 degree cuts are used in traditional french bread. Again, do whatever you'd like. Shape the bread into a giant cock and use a knife to 'circumcise' the bread, if that's what gets you off... Cook that shit. About 30-45 minutes, depending on the size of your loaf. This photo taken after about 30 minutes. After about 50 minutes- I was drunk by this time- and making useless posts on nubblies, so it overcooked by about 5 minutes. Whatever- still tastes better than anything you can buy- yet alone at 1/5 the cost! Remove from the pan to a cooling area as soon as possible, otherwise it'll keep cooking on the pan... Minutes after I took this photo, I proceeded to chop up and eat half the loaf. If you've never had fresh bread, you haven't lived. This recipe is EASY, and even if it comes out looking like frankenstein, it'll get better each time. Practice makes perfect, but experimentation feeds the mind. Do both and you might get somewhere. Fresh baked bread, for assholes.
	Last edited by Pliedes; 12-24-2008 at 09:16 PM.

12-24-2008, 09:18 PM	#2 (permalink)
Mr. Blonde Spice Master Join Date: Jan 2004 Posts: 17,969 Internets: 284106	I fucking hate you.
	Psychedelics are illegal not because a loving government is concerned that you may jump out of a third story window. Psychedelics are illegal because they dissolve opinion structures and culturally laid down models of behavior and information processing. ― Terence McKenna

12-28-2008, 05:36 AM	#7 (permalink)
Mr. Blonde Spice Master Join Date: Jan 2004 Posts: 17,969 Internets: 284106	Did you leave the ninjas in the bread?
	Psychedelics are illegal not because a loving government is concerned that you may jump out of a third story window. Psychedelics are illegal because they dissolve opinion structures and culturally laid down models of behavior and information processing. ― Terence McKenna

12-28-2008, 08:24 PM	#11 (permalink)
Mr. Blonde Spice Master Join Date: Jan 2004 Posts: 17,969 Internets: 284106	if you're a decent cook f3lix, anything made fresh and by you is not only liable to taste better, but also be healthier, too. These guys aren't doing it to save money.
	Psychedelics are illegal not because a loving government is concerned that you may jump out of a third story window. Psychedelics are illegal because they dissolve opinion structures and culturally laid down models of behavior and information processing. ― Terence McKenna

12-24-2008, 10:26 PM	#3 (permalink)
DDTempest Ahoy Fuckbag Join Date: Sep 2008 Location: In a pineapple under the sea Posts: 3,540 Internets: 187030	Nice Ninjas!

12-27-2008, 06:36 PM	#4 (permalink)
f3lix Gangnam Style Join Date: Oct 2003 Location: DH's Massage Parlor Posts: 6,383 Internets: 213510	Is your time really that invaluable to save $2?

12-28-2008, 10:46 AM	#8 (permalink)
tonguegina I like dirt. Join Date: Feb 2002 Location: Indianapolis Posts: 2,861 Internets: 2790	I actually just made some wheat bread a couple of days ago. It's awesome. Very little effort and much better than store bought. I do prefer store bought for sandwiches, though. Home made bread has a tendency to take over some of the flavor of the sandwich. At that point, I'm more interested in what's between the bread. Maybe if I toasted it first...

12-28-2008, 01:12 PM	#9 (permalink)
f3lix Gangnam Style Join Date: Oct 2003 Location: DH's Massage Parlor Posts: 6,383 Internets: 213510	You guys act like fast food is the only alternative to fresh bread at home. $2 fresh loaves at the grocery store are just fine with me and take no time or effort. I just can't imagine constantly making my own bread for such little savings.

12-28-2008, 04:44 PM	#10 (permalink)
Dent Lost in Hilbert Spice Join Date: Jun 2004 Location: Surrounded by knaves and fools Posts: 3,519 Internets: 183146	Because its not all about money.

01-01-2009, 06:49 PM	#13 (permalink)
DDTempest Ahoy Fuckbag Join Date: Sep 2008 Location: In a pineapple under the sea Posts: 3,540 Internets: 187030	Ok Sensei Breadmaster. I have some questions. My first loaf turned out a little less bread flavored than I had anticipated and I am guessing I undercooked or punched it too much as the inside was still fairly moist and deflatedish. How much salt / sugar do you add to flavor? How can you tell when its done cooking? How can you tell if you beat your redheaded stepchild bread too much? Any other advanced pointers would be great. I pitched the first loaf after eating the tasty outsides of it and am now attempting a second.

01-01-2009, 10:55 PM	#14 (permalink)
Pliedes Senior Member Join Date: Oct 2002 Location: Puget Sound Posts: 4,594 Internets: 1608	Yeah, you definitely did not cook it thoroughly. To test for doneness use a toothpick- insert and pull out, see how easily it goes in...is it sticky? Then its not ready yet- heat it up a bit more. By the end I usually just cut into the thing and look for myself. Cooking time varies. Assume half an hour at 350. If its not cooking fast enough, turn the oven up. The end product should be hard and brown on the outside, and white and fluffy on the inside. A smallish tablespoon of salt is plenty. A small handful of sugar is plenty. Use quality flour, and the more yeast, the better imo.

01-08-2009, 09:59 PM	#17 (permalink)
DDTempest Ahoy Fuckbag Join Date: Sep 2008 Location: In a pineapple under the sea Posts: 3,540 Internets: 187030	Third attempt came out better. Bread didn't seem to want to rise too much this time... but then again its only 62 degrees in my house so a far cry from ideal rise temperatures.