Joke of the Day

[StDx]

did you hear about the jew that took a shitload of viagra, got the biggest hard-on he ever had, then ran full force straight into a wall?
he broke his nose

One day a florist goes to a barber for a haircut. After the cut he asked about his bill and the barber replies: "I'm sorry, I cannot accept money from you; I'm doing community service this week." The florist is pleased and leaves the shop. Next morning when the barber goes to open up, there is a thank you card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.

Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he goes to pay his bill the barber again replies: "I'm sorry, I cannot accept money from you; I'm doing community service this week." The cop is happy and leaves the shop. Next morning when the barber goes to open up, there is a thank you card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.

Then a Mexican comes in for a haircut, and when he goes to pay his bill the barber again replies: "I'm sorry, I cannot accept money from you; I'm doing community service this week." The Mexican is very happy and leaves the shop. Next morning when the barber goes to open up, there are a dozen Mexicans lined up waiting for a free haircut.

[CHRONIC~~~~~~]

A Polish girl is hitch-hiking, when a truck driver finally stops and picks her up. She immediately notices a huge radio mounted on the dashboard and asks,"What the hell is that thing?"

The trucker answers, "That there's the most powerful fuckin' CB radio ever made. You can talk to damn near anybody in the fuckin' world on that thing!"

"Anybody in the world?!" she replies, "I'd do anything if I could talk to my mom back in Warsaw right now!"

Realizing she's taking him personally, his eyes light up. "You'd do anything? I'll bet you and I can work something out!" He then unzips his pants, takes out his huge dick and points at it with a sheepish grin.

The Polish girl pauses for a second, then shrugs her shoulders and thinks" what the hell." She then leans over with her mouth close to his dick and yells "HELLO, MOM?"

[sim_flex_x]

"Doc," says Steve, "I want to be castrated."
"What on earth for?" asks the doctor in amazement.

"It's something I've been thinking about for a long time and I want to have it done" replies Steve.

"But have you thought it through properly?" asks the doctor, "It's a very serious operation and once it's done, there's no going back. It will change your life forever!"

"I'm aware of that and you're not going to change my mind -- either you book me in to be castrated or I'll simply go to another doctor."

"Well, OK.", says the doctor, "But it's against my better judgment!"

So Steve has his operation, and the next day he is up and walking very slowly, legs apart, down the hospital corridor with his drip stand. Heading towards him is another patient, who is walking exactly the same way.

"Hi there," says Steve,"It looks as if you've just had the same operation as me."

"Well," said the patient, "I finally decided after 37 years of life that I would like to be circumcised."

Steve stared at him in horror and screamed, "Shit! THAT'S the word!”

A woman went to her doctor for a follow-up visit after the doctor had prescribed testosterone (a male hormone) for her. She was a little worried about some of the side effects she was experiencing.
''Doctor, the hormones you've been giving me have really helped, but I'm afraid that you're giving me too much. I've started growing hair in places that I've never grown hair before.''
The doctor reassured her, ''A little hair growth is a perfectly normal side effect of testosterone. Just where has this hair appeared?''
''On my testicles, which is something else I want to talk to you about...,'' replied the lady.

[victim]

I had to save this thread for a pirate joke.

---
Long ago lived a powerful seaman named Captain Bravo. He was a manly man's man who showed no fear in the face of his enemies. One day a lookout spotted a pirate ship, and the crew became frantic.
Captain Bravo bellowed, "Bring me my red shirt!"
The First Mate retrieved the red shirt, and the Captain led his mates into battle, defeating the pirates. The following day, the lookout spotted two pirate ships. The captain again howled for his red shirt, and once again they vanquished the pirates.
That evening, one of the men asked the captain, "Sir, why do you call for your red shirt before battle?"
The captain replied, "If I am wounded in the attack, the shirt will not show my blood, and thus, you men will continue to follow me, unafraid."
The crew sat in silence and marveled at the courage of such a man.
As dawn came the next morning, the lookout spotted ten pirate ships approaching.
The rank and file all stared in silence at the captain and waited for his usual reply. Captain Bravo gazed with steely eyes upon the vast armada arrayed against him, and the he shouted, "Bring me my brown pants!"

[handsdown]

So this pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel shoved down his pants and he asks for a beer. The bartender says sure I'll get that for ya but why do you have a steering shoved down your pants.

ARRRR!! It's drivin me nuts!

[handsdown]

I know that was a pretty gay joke, but that's all I've got.

[Sabatage]

the girl i was fucking last night bit me.....how she got the gag off i will never know

[Sabatage]

I had two women fighting over me once. Street hookers are very territorial.

[Sabatage]

When it comes to oral sex, my girlfriend doesn't want me to cum in her mouth, which is obvious from her technique.

[StabMaster Arson]

the chick I fucked last night didn't really like me, I could tell by how she asked for the money.

[StabMaster Arson]

so, I was fucking one of my regulars the other night, when all of a sudden I just flipped her over and rammed my cock in her ass. after we were done, she said 'ya know, that was pretty presumptuous of you to just fuck me in the ass with no warning.' I looked down at her and said, 'presumptuous, that's a pretty big word for a twelve year old.'

[Sabatage]

My girlfriend makes a lot of noise in bed. Sometimes I can hear her half a block away.

Q: What kind of file do you use to turn a 15mm hole into a 40mm hole?

A: A pedophile.

Q: What's the hardest part about fucking children?

A: Getting the blood out of your clown suit.

Q: What's black and blue and doesn't seem to like sex too much?

A: The little boy in the trunk of my car.

I'm a big fan of tasteless humor.

[Sabatage]

my girlfriend cant hold down a job. she throws up every time i make her swallow.

[gbc]

A man is in a bar and wants another beer but is broke. So he asks the bartender what can i do for another beer. And the tender says you have to know out my biggest bouncer, pull the tooth out of my rotwieler that is in the basement and is starving, and make sweet pasionate love to that old lady over there. So the drunk picks up an empty bodle and throws it at the bouncer. Smack, the bodle knocks him out. Then he goes downstairs and is down there for a good half hour. You can here the dog barking and the man yelling and stuff breaking the whole time. Then the man comes upstairs all bloody and cloths torn. Then he asks now where is that old lady that I have to pull the tooth out of?

[OneHugeBastard]

bump

A girl comes skipping home from school and shouts, "Mommy, Mommy! Today we did counting and all the other kids only got up to 5, but I got up to 10!
1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10.....that's good isn't it, Mommy?"
"Yes dear it is."
"Is that because I'm blonde, Mommy?"
"Yes dear it is."

The next day the girl comes skipping home and screams, "Mommy, Mommy! Today we did the alphabet and all the other kids only got to D but I got up to G!
A, B, C, D, E, F, G.....that's good isn't it, Mommy?"
"Yes dear it is."
"Is that because I'm blonde, Mommy?"
"Yes dear it is."

The following day the girl comes skipping home and says, "Mommy, today we did gym class and all the other girls had flat chests but I have these!" The girl pulls up her top revealing a pair of amazing 36C breasts. "That's good isn't it, Mommy?"
"Yes dear it is," replies a slightly embarrassed mother.
"Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?"
"No dear.....it's because you're 25!!!"

It was opening night at the Orpheum and the Amazing Claude was topping the bill.
People came from miles around to see the famed hypnotist do his stuff.
As Claude took to the stage, he announced, "Unlike most stage hypnotists who invite two or three people up onto the stage to be put into a trance, I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience."
The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat. "I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. Its been in my family for six generations." He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, "Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch...."
The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until suddenly his watch slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.
"Shit" said the hypnotist.
It took three weeks to clean up the theatre.

How do you make a woman curl her toes?

Fuck her with her tights on

Why did Hitler really shoot himself?

He saw his gas bill...

[Ugly Bastard]

I didn't feel like starting a whole new thread for this, so I ask here.

Is it just me? Or does this Garfield cartoon have some perverted conotation?



-Ugly Bastard

[Titan]

Goodness gracious!

I'm not letting my kids read that!

Seriously, perversion had to be the point of that.

[StDx]

Once there was a mad scientist who worked by himself in his laboratory. He was so lonely that one day, he decided to clone himself. Everything worked perfectly, except that the clone had a very foul mouth. The scientist worked with the clone, but alas, he could not make the clone clean up his language. He got so tired of the clone's language that one day he pushed him off the end of a cliff. A policeman rushed up to him, and yelled "You are under arrest! You are under arrest!"

"What for?" the mad scientist asked. "Murder? Or would it be suicide?"

And the policeman's answer was, "Neither. It's for making an obscene clone fall."