Joke of the Day

[StDx]

Two guys were out fishing one day, as they were about to hop in the boat, a man in flowing robes walked over to them and said ' I am Jesus, the lamb of God. Go forth and spread the word that I have returned.'
The first guy says 'How do we know you are Jesus and not some escapee from the loony-bin?'
'Yeah,' the other pipes up, 'If your jesus, prove it! Walk on water for us.'
'If that is what I must do to make believers out of you' jesus replied, 'then so be it. Take me out to the middle of the lake in your boat, and I will walk back to shore.'
The guys load Jesus into the boat and take him to the middle of the lake. Jesus stands up, and says 'Now watch, and believe.' and steps off the boat where he sinks like a rock. The fishermen pull him back into the boat and jesus says, ok, ok, ok, gimme one more try, its been a couple thousand years since I've done this.' So he regains his composure, stands back up, and with a quick prayer, steps off the boat again...and sinks like a rock again. After the two fishermen pull him gasping and choking back into the boat, jesus looks up at them and says ' god damn! this was a lot fucking easier before I got these holes in my feet!'


[This message has been edited by StDx (edited February 06, 2003).]

Talking with the doctor after his wife had given birth to their new son, Michael Jackson had a few questions.

Whispering, Michael asked, "How long will we have to wait to have sex?"

"Well, there really should be no reason that you would have to wait," responded the doctor.

Shocked, Michael asked, "Shouldn't he at least be able to walk first?"

Sexbear and Clitmouse were shitting together in the forest as they enjoyed a good chat.

"Damn." said Sexbear. "My shit always gets stuck to my fur. Do you ever have a problem with getting shit stuck to your fur?"

"No, good sir, I sure do not," replied Clitmouse in a smug fashion.

"Well then, you shouldn't mind this," replied Sexbear, as he began to wipe his ass with Clitmouse.

[Ugly Bastard]

Posted on behalf of St. Anky. He found this joke, and I take NO credit for it whatsoever. Nice find Anky.

Anky's Words:

this one made me chuckle. Plus, i couldnt find the original "joke thread" so i just started a new one.
Please add to taste.

A rabbit is skipping through the woods when it comes upon a giraffe thats smoking a joint. The rabbit runs up to the giraffe and says, "Mr Giraffe, put down those drugs and come run with me in the forest."
So the Giraffe puts down the marijuana and runs through the forest with the rabbit. As the two continue, they happen upon an elephant snorting cocaine. The rabbit runs up to the elephant and says,"Mr Elephant, put down those drugs and come run with me in the forest."
So the Elephant looks down at his mirror and blade, sets them down and runs with the rabbit and giraffe through the forest. They then come up to a lion shooting heroin. The rabbit runs up to the lion and says, "Mr Lion, stop doing drugs, put down that needle and come run with me through the forest."

The lion then sets down his needle, grabs the rabbit and starts beating the shit out of it. The elephant and giraffe are horrified by the sight and ask,"Why are you beating him?"

The lion replies, "What him? This motherfucking rabbit gets me to run with his ass around the damn forest everytime he takes ecstasy."

enjoy.

[Titan]

Best blonde joke ever.

Go here.

[Jesus Chrystler]

What's the difference between oral sex and anal sex?

oral sex makes your day, anal sex makes your hole weak

[BKC BVM]

u fuckers are so gay

[BKC BVM]

When it comes to fucking animals, I say "Hell yes." Honestly, what is more tasty than the moist asshole of a frog? Nothing. If you're a frog and want me to taste your asshole, give me a ring. I'm a gemini who enjoys long walks on the beach and DOUBLE POSTING. We'll talk to you later.

[This message has been edited by Orgazmo (edited May 15, 2003).]

[vader521]

For all I am concerned BKC you can go fucking rot in hell. I have yet to see a legit post from your faggot ass.

[StDx]

vader/bkc, please note that this is a joke thread and act accordingly.

[StabMaster Arson]

What do you get when you stab a baby in the stomach?

I don't know about you, but I get a hard-on

[fat_retard]

Whats the difference between a pile of dead babies and a cadilac? I don't have a cadilac in my garage.

[Orgazmo]

This is an absolutely amazing joke. I strongly urge you to read through it all. A-fucking-mazing.

This bloke with Tourette's Syndrome walks into the most exclusive
restaurant
in town;
"Where's the pissing, motherfucking manager, you cock sucking arsewipe?"
he enquires of one of the waiters.

The waiter is taken aback and replies;
"Excuse me sir but could you refrain from using that sort of language in
here. I will get the manager as soon as I can".

The manager comes over and the bloke asks;
"Are you the chicken-fucking manager of this bastard place?."
"Yes sir, I am" replies the manager, "but I would prefer if you could
refrain from speaking such profanities in this, a private
restaurant".

"Fuck off" replies the bloke "and where's the fucking piano?"
"Pardon?" says the manager.
"Fucking deaf as well, are we? You sniveling little piece of shit, show me
your cunting piano".

"Ah", replies the manager, "you've come about the pianist job" and shows
the bloke to the piano.

"Can you play any blues"
"Off course I fucking can," and the bloke proceeds to play the most
inspiring and beautiful sounding honky-tonk blues that the
manager has ever heard.

"That's superb. What's it called?"
"I tried to shag your missus on the sofa but the springs kept hurting my
dick," replies the bloke.
The manager is a bit disturbed and asks if the bloke knows any jazz.
The bloke proceeds, playing the most melancholy jazz solo the manager has
ever heard.

"Magnificent," cries the manager. "What's it called?"
"I wanted a wank over the washing machine but I got my balls caught in the
soap drawer".

The manager is a tad embarrassed and asks if he knows any romantic
ballads.
The bloke then plays the most heartbreaking melody the manager has ever heard,

"And what's this called?" asks the manager.

"As I fuck you under the stars with the moonlight shining off your hairy
ring piece," replies the bloke.

The manager is highly upset by the bloke's language but offers him the job
on condition that he doesn't introduce any of his songs or talk to any of
the customers.

This arrangement works well for a couple of months until one night sitting
opposite the pianist, is the most gorgeous blonde he has ever laid his
eyes on.

She wearing an almost see through dress, her breasts are almost falling
out of her black lace bra, the skimpy little "G" string
she's wearing is doing very little to conceal her ample charms.

She's sitting there with her legs slightly open, sucking suggestively on
asparagus shoots as the butter dribbles down her chin.
The image is too much for the bloke and he scurries off to the Gents to
furiously pat the cheetah.

He's tugging away feverishly when he hears the managers voice.
"Where's that bastard pianist?"
He has time to relieve himself, and in a fluster he runs back to the piano
having not bothered to adjust himself properly, sits down and starts
playing some more tunes.
The blond steps up and walks over to the piano, leans over, boobs in his
face and whispers in his ear,
"Do you know your knob and bollocks are hanging out of your trousers and
dripping spunk on your shoes?"

The bloke replies "Know it? I fucking wrote it"

[StDx]

What's funnier than a zombie baby?
A zombie baby dressed as Dan Rather.

[ttbabe23]

Here y'all go this one is pretty funny i think at least ill have more later.

Therapy Session
A Licensed Counselor was conducting a group therapy session with
four
young mothers and their small children...
You all have obsessions," he observed. To the first mother, he
said,
"You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy."
He turned to the second Mom. "Your obsession is with money. Again,
it anifests itself in your child's name, Penny."
He turns to the third Mom. "Your obsession is alcohol. This too
manifests itself in your child's name, Brandy."
At this point, the fourth mother gets up, takes her little boy by
the hand and whispers, "Come on, Dick, we're leaving."

[ttbabe23]

Here is another... I hope ya enjoy
it is a bunch of lil ones

SOCIAL SECURITY SEX:
Two men were talking. "So, how's your sex life?" "Oh, nothing special.
I'm having Social Security sex." "Social Security sex?" "Yeah, you know:
I get a little each month, but not enough to live on!"
LOUD SEX:
A wife went in to see a therapist and said, "I've got a big problem,
doctor. Every time we're in bed and my husband climaxes, he lets out
this ear splitting yell." "My dear," the shrink said, "that's completely
natural. I don't see what the problem is." "The problem is," she
complained, "It wakes me up!"
QUIET SEX:
Tired of a listless sex life, the man came right out and asked his wife
during a recent lovemaking session, "How come you never tell me when you
have an orgasm?" She glanced at him casually and replied, "You're never
home!"
CONFOUNDED SEX:
A man was in a terrible accident, and his "manhood" was mangled and torn
from his body. His doctor assured him that modern medicine could give
him back his manhood, but that his insurance wouldn't cover the surgery,
since it was considered cosmetic. The doctor said the cost would be
$3,500 for "small, $6,500 for "medium, $14,000 for "large." The man was
sure he would want a medium or large, but the doctor urged him to talk
it over with his wife before he made any decision. The man called his
wife on the phone and explained their options. The doctor came back into
the room, and found the man looking dejected. "Well, what have the two
of you decided?" asked the doctor. The man answered, "She'd rather
remodel the kitchen".
WEDDING ANNIVERSARY SEX: A husband and his wife had a bitter quarrel on
the day of their 40th wedding anniversary. The husband yells, "When you
die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads: 'Here Lies My Wife - Cold
As Ever'." "Yeah," she replies, "When you die, I'm getting you a
headstone reads: 'Here Lies My Husband - Stiff At Last.'"
WOMEN'S HUMOR: My husband came home with a tube of K Y jelly and said,
"This will make you happy tonight." He was right. When he went out of
the bedroom, I squirted it all over the doorknobs. He couldn't get back
in.
A couple is lying in bed. The man says, "I am going to make you the
happiest woman in the world." The woman says..... "I'll miss you."

[Mr. Insightful]

So this millionaire dies and he's at the entrance to heaven. The gatekeeper says "Sir, in all those years with all that money you never gave any of it to the church". The millionaire replies that this statement is horse crap and that he once gave $2 to the church. The gatekeeper goes into heaven to check. He comes out and says " God said to give you your two bucks back and send you to hell "

[Mr. Insightful]

A man walks into a bar and orders a martini. He orders several more martinis until the bartender finally says " Boy, you are sure having a good time. You celebratin' somethin? ". The man says "I just experienced my first blow job.". The bartender says "Well, congratulations. Tell you what, the next one's on me. ". The man replies "Good, but I don't think I'll ever get that taste out of my mouth.".

[Hank]

There was a couple going at it for the first time, and they were going at it for a while when the guy asks the woman to open her legs a little wider. She does and they continue.

A few minutes go by and he asks her again, "open your legs a little wider".

She does, then he asks again, "a little wider hun".

The woman starts getting pissed off but she does it. Till finally he asks again, "Can you open them just a little wider?"

So she finally yells "what are you trying to do get your balls in too?"

He says "no, I'm trying to get them out."

[Schroeder]

What's strong enough for a man but made for a woman?
The back of my hand!

[Schroeder]

What the difference between a porcupine and a Porsche?
A porcupine has pricks on the outside!

[Schroeder]

So a little boy is riding his bike in New York when he comes upon a police officer on horseback. The police officer asks the boy "Did Santa bring you that bike for Christmas?". The boy says "yep". The officer says "Well, next year you better ask Santa for a bike that doesn't have a flat back tire.". The boy says "Officer, did Santa bring you that horse for Christmas?". The officer says "Sure, kid.". The boy says "Well, next year you better ask Santa for a horse that has a dick on the bottom!".

[Schroeder]

What's strong enough for a man but made for a women?
The back of my hand.

This is my joke. People heard it from me first. FYI

[Schroeder]

What's the difference between a woman and a microwave?
A microwave doesn't scream when you stick a pound of meat in it.