Preview Review: Chapter 4 - Nubblies.net Forums

Fruitacious B · 11-12-2003, 08:06 PM

Oh yes my little sexpets, it is time yet once again for the infamously famous, Preview Review. As everyone who's anyone has noticed, there are a lot of big movies hitting theatres near you in the coming months. Likewise, as everyone who's anyone already knows, I somehow find pleasure in imposing my opinions upon the masses on topics such as the previously mentioned upcoming movies. Movies that will be reviewed today include "Master and Commander", "Lord of the Rings: Return of the King", "The Cat in the Hat", and "The Last Samurai". There are more that look worthy of a Preview Review, but I'm only human, they can wait a little while yet.

Warning: This entire review is based souly on television previews, movie clips on late night talk shows, and internet cast and director listings. On to the reviews...

Movie #1. Master and Commander

Ahh, Russell Crowe, the gladiator of stage and screen, is back again in what seems to be the latest of what I think could be a trend of ocean based action movies. This movie is derived from the book written by Patrick O'Brian, and I'm not totally sure where to go with this one, the rest of the cast is mostly some no-names, which isn't necesarily a bad thing. However, I'm not here to critique the casting, I'm here to critique the movie. This movie is directed by none other than Peter Weir, who directed one of my favorite movies of all time, Dead Poets Society. I've got hopes for him in this movie, but hopes and expectations aren't always one in the same. From the few clips I've seen of this movie, it looks like it could be badass. With the technology and money that are being invested into movies these days, they can make even people like me enjoy Napolian era "pirate" ship battles (I know full and well that these aren't necesarily pirates, but that's the best description for the ships). My main prediction for this movie is that it will be similar to "The Count of Monte Cristo" from awhile back, it will start out pretty cool, and then you'll be able to sleep throughout the middle of the movie. Upon awakening at the end, you'll see some more cool shit as the movie ends, and even though you slept through a good portion, you'll be able to tell exactly what happened. That's a bit too specific of a prediction there, but if I'm right, I'm damn good. Master and Commander will be an alright movie, but nothing overly exciting. It kind of seems to me that after they saw how much of a success "Pirates of the Caribean" was, filmakers want a piece of the action. Master and Commander gets 3 1/2 out of 5 stars.

Movie #2. Lord of the Rings: Return of the King

No need for me to say too much about this one really. Almost everyone knows who's in it and such, as well as the storyline. This movie will be the last piece in securing this trilogy as one of the greatest cinematic accomplishments of all time. This movie is going to be an emotional erection inducing extravaganza. A few words that will describe this movie; amazing, stunning, awe-inspiring, epic, great, jaw-dropping, and sexsational. I know that people probably expected a longer review for this movie, but there's really no point. Lord of the Rings: Return of the King gets 5 well deserved stars out of 5.

Movie #3. The Cat in the Hat

Ahh, the great world of Seuss. Kids at heart and heroin addicts unite, your movie is here. As kids I don't think we ever really noticed how much of an acid trip most Seuss books are, and that's probably for the best. Mike Myers takes the lead where Jim Carrey ventured just three short years ago. With a relatively all-star cast, Mike Myers isn't the only new face in the latest Seuss cinematic reincarnation, director Bo Welch called the shots instead of the balding happy days hero of yesteryear Ron Howard on this movie. Personally, there's no way in hell I'm going to spend seven bucks to see this movie, but just because I'm stingy doesn't mean I'm picky. I didn't mind the Grinch, and I think that I'll probably enjoy this more than that one. Maybe that's just because I love the way Mike Myers portrays his characters, but maybe not. Those of you interested in mature movies will hate this movie, rightly so, it's a fucking Dr. Seuss movie. So don't expect an emotional masterpiece. I'm not, and I still expect to enjoy it, I enjoyed the Cat in the Hat ten years ago, so why wouldn't I enjoy it now? The Cat in the Hat gets 3.75 stars out of 5.

Movie #4. The Last Samurai

At last the film that has ninjas salivating is almost here. It's kind of funny how rumors spread, when I first heard about this movie, I was told that Tom Cruise was going to be playing a samurai. Which led to a clearly justified "what the fuck?". Finally my fears of seeing Tom Cruise in a samurai costume were laid to rest when I saw the previews myself, and did some homework on the casting. Tom Cruise plays an American Civil War veteran hired by the Chinese emperor to train a contemporary army campable of wiping out the samurais in the 19th century. Can you picture Tom Cruise playing a bad guy? if so, good for you, if not, don't worry about it, the filmakers didn't picture it either. A classic plot set up, guy gets hired to kill some bad guys, gets caught, then starts to wonder if he himself is not the bad guy. Thus leading to a change of character ending with a climactic ending of gigantic proportions. Sound cliche? it is. Sound badass? hell yes. Samurai battles with semi-trained army men that were trained by a civil war vet. Explosions, people getting stabbed by badass swords, flying ninja kicks, sounds good to me. The Last Samurai gets 4.25 out of 5 stars.

Well, that's it for this edition of Preview Review. It's been real. I'm planning on doing another within the next few weeks, because there are some more movies coming out in awhile, duh. (Shrek 2, The Alamo, Mona Lisa Smile, Exorcist: The Beginning, etc.)

Oh yeah, I didn't take the time, but 21 grams will probably be awesome, just another one to check out. If any of you know of any you think I should do, let me know.

Combat Chuck · 11-12-2003, 09:22 PM

Fruit, I think I speak for all (and yes Alpha, I speak for you all and all my personalities) when I say that your improvement on these Preview Reviews is vast. Vast.

Alpha · 11-12-2003, 09:28 PM

Fruit very nice preview review, still one of the more entertaining ways to rate a movie. Becuase of these reviews, I don't have to see ANY of the movies. I already know what's going to happen and how much I'm going to like it.

example:
"Alpha are you excited to see the new lord of the rings movie?"

"I already love it, it was a good one, make sure to watch it."

Orgazmo · 11-12-2003, 09:39 PM

No shit, you've done well, young B. I wouldn't mind seeing a preview review of Troy if you get a chance. Doesn't come out for quite awhile...but before some of the others mentioned.

Pliedes · 11-13-2003, 01:08 AM

I have heard about Troy, and it will indeed by super-badass. Did you ever get to see the made-for-tv movie "Helen of Troy"?

the_butcher · 11-13-2003, 01:53 AM

Troy...oh my fucking lord. Before watching the piece of shit known as the Matrix Revolutions, there was a preview of Troy. It was by far one of the most badass previews I have ever seen. IT starts off on a closeup of a Greek war ship, the starts to zoom out to reveal a literally never ending span of war ships. It looks fucking amazing. I will definately be attending that movie when it comes into theaters.

Pliedes · 11-13-2003, 01:57 AM

Back to topic though, if I'm back in Warsaw when Lord of the Rings comes out, who wants to come with me? We can have a big nubblies gathering for the show (unless you're uncool. uncool people aren't allowed).

Fruitacious B · 11-13-2003, 01:59 AM

I'm definately for that idea.

Titan · 11-13-2003, 02:22 AM

Not only am I for that idea, but that idea, is for me.

the_butcher · 11-13-2003, 02:42 AM

Too many commas in that last post there Titan. Of course, it's alright. Niggers weren't ever really taught grammar in school. Actually, where I come from, niggers can't read or write or have any rights. Yep, good 'ole 1863.

As for the LOTR, I'm game.

Pliedes · 11-13-2003, 04:55 PM

If you want to read something on Master and Commander: Far Side of the Sea, then this is your huckleberry.

Alpha · 11-13-2003, 10:58 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by the_butcher:
As for the LOTR, I'm game.

Perfectly said for my part also. That is if I'm cool enough.

Titan · 11-13-2003, 11:01 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by the_butcher:
Too many commas in that last post there Titan.

Commas are used for pauses, sir.

Pliedes · 11-13-2003, 11:02 PM

Well, indeed, you are correct, sir.

Alpha · 11-14-2003, 01:20 AM

See... I prefer a much different... Yet more annoying approach.

Fruitacious B · 11-14-2003, 01:40 AM

I see what you're doing Alpha....You're taking the punctuational approach that we can see being used on occasion by former WCHS basketball Gods........ditsy she-bitches.......and multi-identity crackwhores.......Good work.

Alpha · 11-14-2003, 01:42 AM

Fuck off, I've been typing like this since... well... a long fucking time bitch.

the_butcher · 11-14-2003, 02:02 AM

Doesn't make it right, now does it? Didn't think so biatch. And about the movie, no, you're not cool enough. You can stand outside and wait for other cool people to tell them that all of the really cool people are inside. Sound like a job?

Alpha · 11-14-2003, 02:03 AM

Quote:

Originally posted by the_butcher:
Sound like a job?

No...

the_butcher · 11-14-2003, 02:09 AM

Well too fucking bad, that's what you're doing you long haired homo.

11-12-2003, 08:06 PM	#1 (permalink)
Fruitacious B Bokononist Join Date: May 2003 Location: Indianapolis Posts: 2,595 Internets: 11801	Oh yes my little sexpets, it is time yet once again for the infamously famous, Preview Review. As everyone who's anyone has noticed, there are a lot of big movies hitting theatres near you in the coming months. Likewise, as everyone who's anyone already knows, I somehow find pleasure in imposing my opinions upon the masses on topics such as the previously mentioned upcoming movies. Movies that will be reviewed today include "Master and Commander", "Lord of the Rings: Return of the King", "The Cat in the Hat", and "The Last Samurai". There are more that look worthy of a Preview Review, but I'm only human, they can wait a little while yet. Warning: This entire review is based souly on television previews, movie clips on late night talk shows, and internet cast and director listings. On to the reviews... Movie #1. Master and Commander Ahh, Russell Crowe, the gladiator of stage and screen, is back again in what seems to be the latest of what I think could be a trend of ocean based action movies. This movie is derived from the book written by Patrick O'Brian, and I'm not totally sure where to go with this one, the rest of the cast is mostly some no-names, which isn't necesarily a bad thing. However, I'm not here to critique the casting, I'm here to critique the movie. This movie is directed by none other than Peter Weir, who directed one of my favorite movies of all time, Dead Poets Society. I've got hopes for him in this movie, but hopes and expectations aren't always one in the same. From the few clips I've seen of this movie, it looks like it could be badass. With the technology and money that are being invested into movies these days, they can make even people like me enjoy Napolian era "pirate" ship battles (I know full and well that these aren't necesarily pirates, but that's the best description for the ships). My main prediction for this movie is that it will be similar to "The Count of Monte Cristo" from awhile back, it will start out pretty cool, and then you'll be able to sleep throughout the middle of the movie. Upon awakening at the end, you'll see some more cool shit as the movie ends, and even though you slept through a good portion, you'll be able to tell exactly what happened. That's a bit too specific of a prediction there, but if I'm right, I'm damn good. Master and Commander will be an alright movie, but nothing overly exciting. It kind of seems to me that after they saw how much of a success "Pirates of the Caribean" was, filmakers want a piece of the action. Master and Commander gets 3 1/2 out of 5 stars. Movie #2. Lord of the Rings: Return of the King No need for me to say too much about this one really. Almost everyone knows who's in it and such, as well as the storyline. This movie will be the last piece in securing this trilogy as one of the greatest cinematic accomplishments of all time. This movie is going to be an emotional erection inducing extravaganza. A few words that will describe this movie; amazing, stunning, awe-inspiring, epic, great, jaw-dropping, and sexsational. I know that people probably expected a longer review for this movie, but there's really no point. Lord of the Rings: Return of the King gets 5 well deserved stars out of 5. Movie #3. The Cat in the Hat Ahh, the great world of Seuss. Kids at heart and heroin addicts unite, your movie is here. As kids I don't think we ever really noticed how much of an acid trip most Seuss books are, and that's probably for the best. Mike Myers takes the lead where Jim Carrey ventured just three short years ago. With a relatively all-star cast, Mike Myers isn't the only new face in the latest Seuss cinematic reincarnation, director Bo Welch called the shots instead of the balding happy days hero of yesteryear Ron Howard on this movie. Personally, there's no way in hell I'm going to spend seven bucks to see this movie, but just because I'm stingy doesn't mean I'm picky. I didn't mind the Grinch, and I think that I'll probably enjoy this more than that one. Maybe that's just because I love the way Mike Myers portrays his characters, but maybe not. Those of you interested in mature movies will hate this movie, rightly so, it's a fucking Dr. Seuss movie. So don't expect an emotional masterpiece. I'm not, and I still expect to enjoy it, I enjoyed the Cat in the Hat ten years ago, so why wouldn't I enjoy it now? The Cat in the Hat gets 3.75 stars out of 5. Movie #4. The Last Samurai At last the film that has ninjas salivating is almost here. It's kind of funny how rumors spread, when I first heard about this movie, I was told that Tom Cruise was going to be playing a samurai. Which led to a clearly justified "what the fuck?". Finally my fears of seeing Tom Cruise in a samurai costume were laid to rest when I saw the previews myself, and did some homework on the casting. Tom Cruise plays an American Civil War veteran hired by the Chinese emperor to train a contemporary army campable of wiping out the samurais in the 19th century. Can you picture Tom Cruise playing a bad guy? if so, good for you, if not, don't worry about it, the filmakers didn't picture it either. A classic plot set up, guy gets hired to kill some bad guys, gets caught, then starts to wonder if he himself is not the bad guy. Thus leading to a change of character ending with a climactic ending of gigantic proportions. Sound cliche? it is. Sound badass? hell yes. Samurai battles with semi-trained army men that were trained by a civil war vet. Explosions, people getting stabbed by badass swords, flying ninja kicks, sounds good to me. The Last Samurai gets 4.25 out of 5 stars. Well, that's it for this edition of Preview Review. It's been real. I'm planning on doing another within the next few weeks, because there are some more movies coming out in awhile, duh. (Shrek 2, The Alamo, Mona Lisa Smile, Exorcist: The Beginning, etc.) Oh yeah, I didn't take the time, but 21 grams will probably be awesome, just another one to check out. If any of you know of any you think I should do, let me know.
	"Those who believe in telekinetics, raise my hand." \|vonnegut

11-12-2003, 09:28 PM	#3 (permalink)
Alpha Senior Member Join Date: May 2003 Posts: 1,003 Internets: 82	Fruit very nice preview review, still one of the more entertaining ways to rate a movie. Becuase of these reviews, I don't have to see ANY of the movies. I already know what's going to happen and how much I'm going to like it. example: "Alpha are you excited to see the new lord of the rings movie?" "I already love it, it was a good one, make sure to watch it."
	Gods are but men with immortal souls.

11-13-2003, 01:53 AM	#6 (permalink)
the_butcher Senior Member Join Date: Apr 2003 Location: ::: the recesses of my mind ::: Posts: 1,023 Internets: 10	Troy...oh my fucking lord. Before watching the piece of shit known as the Matrix Revolutions, there was a preview of Troy. It was by far one of the most badass previews I have ever seen. IT starts off on a closeup of a Greek war ship, the starts to zoom out to reveal a literally never ending span of war ships. It looks fucking amazing. I will definately be attending that movie when it comes into theaters.
	\| bite the bullet and swallow lead \|

11-13-2003, 01:59 AM	#8 (permalink)
Fruitacious B Bokononist Join Date: May 2003 Location: Indianapolis Posts: 2,595 Internets: 11801	I'm definately for that idea.
	"Those who believe in telekinetics, raise my hand." \|vonnegut

11-13-2003, 02:22 AM	#9 (permalink)
Titan Senior Member Join Date: Nov 2002 Posts: 3,698 Internets: 10	Not only am I for that idea, but that idea, is for me.
	I do what the fuck I want.

11-12-2003, 09:22 PM	#2 (permalink)
Combat Chuck Senior Member Join Date: Oct 2002 Posts: 2,063 Internets: 10	Fruit, I think I speak for all (and yes Alpha, I speak for you all and all my personalities) when I say that your improvement on these Preview Reviews is vast. Vast.

11-12-2003, 09:39 PM	#4 (permalink)
Orgazmo COME ON YOU YANKS Join Date: Feb 2002 Location: Indiana Posts: 15,732 Internets: 311447	No shit, you've done well, young B. I wouldn't mind seeing a preview review of Troy if you get a chance. Doesn't come out for quite awhile...but before some of the others mentioned.

11-13-2003, 01:08 AM	#5 (permalink)
Pliedes Senior Member Join Date: Oct 2002 Location: Puget Sound Posts: 4,594 Internets: 1608	I have heard about Troy, and it will indeed by super-badass. Did you ever get to see the made-for-tv movie "Helen of Troy"?

11-13-2003, 01:57 AM	#7 (permalink)
Pliedes Senior Member Join Date: Oct 2002 Location: Puget Sound Posts: 4,594 Internets: 1608	Back to topic though, if I'm back in Warsaw when Lord of the Rings comes out, who wants to come with me? We can have a big nubblies gathering for the show (unless you're uncool. uncool people aren't allowed).

11-13-2003, 02:42 AM	#10 (permalink)
the_butcher Senior Member Join Date: Apr 2003 Location: ::: the recesses of my mind ::: Posts: 1,023 Internets: 10	Too many commas in that last post there Titan. Of course, it's alright. Niggers weren't ever really taught grammar in school. Actually, where I come from, niggers can't read or write or have any rights. Yep, good 'ole 1863. As for the LOTR, I'm game.
	\| bite the bullet and swallow lead \|

11-13-2003, 04:55 PM	#11 (permalink)
Pliedes Senior Member Join Date: Oct 2002 Location: Puget Sound Posts: 4,594 Internets: 1608	If you want to read something on Master and Commander: Far Side of the Sea, then this is your huckleberry.

11-13-2003, 11:02 PM	#14 (permalink)
Pliedes Senior Member Join Date: Oct 2002 Location: Puget Sound Posts: 4,594 Internets: 1608	Well, indeed, you are correct, sir.

11-14-2003, 01:20 AM	#15 (permalink)
Alpha Senior Member Join Date: May 2003 Posts: 1,003 Internets: 82	See... I prefer a much different... Yet more annoying approach.
	Gods are but men with immortal souls.

11-14-2003, 01:40 AM	#16 (permalink)
Fruitacious B Bokononist Join Date: May 2003 Location: Indianapolis Posts: 2,595 Internets: 11801	I see what you're doing Alpha....You're taking the punctuational approach that we can see being used on occasion by former WCHS basketball Gods........ditsy she-bitches.......and multi-identity crackwhores.......Good work.
	"Those who believe in telekinetics, raise my hand." \|vonnegut

11-14-2003, 01:42 AM	#17 (permalink)
Alpha Senior Member Join Date: May 2003 Posts: 1,003 Internets: 82	Fuck off, I've been typing like this since... well... a long fucking time bitch.
	Gods are but men with immortal souls.

11-14-2003, 02:02 AM	#18 (permalink)
the_butcher Senior Member Join Date: Apr 2003 Location: ::: the recesses of my mind ::: Posts: 1,023 Internets: 10	Doesn't make it right, now does it? Didn't think so biatch. And about the movie, no, you're not cool enough. You can stand outside and wait for other cool people to tell them that all of the really cool people are inside. Sound like a job?
	\| bite the bullet and swallow lead \|

11-14-2003, 02:09 AM	#20 (permalink)
the_butcher Senior Member Join Date: Apr 2003 Location: ::: the recesses of my mind ::: Posts: 1,023 Internets: 10	Well too fucking bad, that's what you're doing you long haired homo.
	\| bite the bullet and swallow lead \|