Crunch - Nubblies.net Forums

Orgazmo · 09-04-2003, 02:25 AM

If the equivalent of a Sexbear for turtles was the Sexturtle, and if a Sexturtle ever did exist, Crunch would be a Sexturtle.

Crunch is a 165 pound Alligator Snapping Turtle estimated to have been born in 1803 (according to a newspaper article that was probably trying to hype his appearance at a local zoo by making him exactly 200 years old). Nevertheless, he is, at the very least, 150 years old, enough to make him the oldest & largest turtle of his kind living today (that we know about).

This past Sunday, whilst walking through a car show held in the beautiful Auburn, Indiana, my father, brother, and I stumbled upon a tent with a banner claiming it had the largest snapping turtle alive. Of course, this demanded our attention, so we paid the $1/person entrance fee to see the Fist McNicky. Entrance held not disappointment...but rather interest as the sedentary giant allowed his tongueish appendage mimic the movement of a worm hoping to fool a fish (there weren't any in the tank...because he's in a strict diet...but he's a dumbass).

The guy in the tent that seemed to be the keeper of Crunch (the name which has been given to Sexturtle Elite) was more than happy to spit facts at us. One such was was that Crunch has the ability to breathe in 6 feet deep water without leaving the floor of pond/river/lake that he's in. Also, his only predator is man. If a 12 foot alligator dicked around with him, STE would simply take a bite out of him and the gator would pussy out and run away. Had I not been staring at the tank, I may have been inclined to shrug this off as bullshittery...but my eyes verified the comments as not bullshittery, but complete truthery.

The moral of the story is this: I saw a fucking pimp turtle this weekend. The guy was handing out little cards with his picture on it...but it doesn't give any relation to size so, instead of scanning it in, I'm going to post an equally-shitty picture from a different site (the only picture of him I could find on the net). He's much more pimp than he looks. Fuck yeah he is.

If you want to read the news story about him, go here.

On a sidenote, it should be assumed...but, in the case it is not, Crunch is not the pimpest turtle alive. Although he would be a Sexturtle if such a thing existed, he still is only a distant 2nd place to Dylan, my pet turtle. Dylan eats flies like they're going out of style and even ate 5 pellots of food in a row tonight. That's like you or I eating 3 or 4 cows worth of beef in one sitting. He's also cute. He could probably even kill a wasp...yet his shell is only the size of a 50 cent piece. He kicks more ass pound for pound than Crunch ever could. Dylan is the best. That's all.

[ January 25, 2005, 09:38 PM: Message edited by: Orgazmo ]

Pliedes · 09-09-2003, 01:49 AM

A beautiful post.

Crunch definately sounds like a true bad-ass. It's always amazed me at how turtles can live so bloody long.

I'd definately like to see some pictures of Dylan though...

Orgazmo · 09-09-2003, 02:00 AM

If some pictures of Dylan is what you want, some pictures of Dylan is what you'll get. Just not right now...because I'm going to bed.

Pliedes · 09-09-2003, 02:05 AM

Fair enough. But I'll be waiting.

Orgazmo · 09-09-2003, 07:17 PM

Alright, I took a cockload...but most of them were really blurry and shit because the camera isn't the best (although it did a fine job in roadkilling).

Dylan in relation to a deck of casino-quality playing cards. Dylan + Poker = Wow. Does it get any better, folks?

Dylan trying to escape from my shoe. He got really close a few times...but just couldn't pull himself up. We'll have to work on his upper-shell strength a bit more.

Dylan sitting in a Gatorade cap. I had to scare him to get him to stop moving, which is a tough thing to do when you have a turtle that is basically fearless.

Dylan escaping from his plastic prison. He's actually pretty quick, too...

There you have him. That man, the master, the Dylan.

sim_flex_x · 09-09-2003, 07:31 PM

aww Dylan! I miss my boy! It seems like just yesterday we brought him home, and now look at him :] (he looks about the same, but, yeah)

Dylan is the most pimp turtle I've ever seen. Honestly, he kills and eats flies. Truly an amazing creature :] If you haven't seen him in person yet, you need to.

Pliedes · 09-09-2003, 09:34 PM

Very nice. I can see he is quite the stud. He looks to be the size a poker chip, if my eyes serve me correct. Definately a neat little fella, I'd love to meet him sometimes.

Now about this fly-killing. A little movie/video download of such would be great. I want to see the killing machine in action.

the_butcher · 09-10-2003, 12:24 AM

Quote:

Originally posted by Pliedes:
Now about this fly-killing. A little movie/video download of such would be great. I want to see the killing machine in action.

As would I. I used to have a turtle like that a looooong time ago, and they truly are the coolest pet that someone can have. Don't like turtles? Fuck you.

Orgazmo · 09-10-2003, 12:47 AM

Yeah, he hasn't killed a fly since I've been down here @ Ball State...mainly because I haven't seen any flies since the move. I'm sure he's still as sharp as a tack...but it's hard to say. Also, I have no way to get a movie on here...even if he was still in practice. Either way, it's pimp as hell. He crouches down way low and sneaks up on them...then, quick as lightning, he strikes them. He normally just takes a leg or wing in the first strike, then gets the whole thing. Well, half of the whole thing as least, taking it under water, biting down harder, then opening, moving his head forward and putting the entire thing in his mouth as he slowly chews. Sometimes, if you're lucky, a leg or something will be sticking out as he chews...wiggling around. It's quite a sight...to see.

Pliedes · 09-11-2003, 03:39 AM

Quote:

Originally posted by Orgazmo:
It's quite a sight...to see.

Exactly our thoughts... which is why a video would be pimp.

Combat Chuck · 09-12-2003, 04:47 PM

Orgazmo, I suspect that you haven't seen any flies down at BS because Dylan has stuck the area and the flies aren't aware of his presence just yet.

He certainly looks like the deadliest of silent killers.

09-04-2003, 02:25 AM	#1 (permalink)
Orgazmo COME ON YOU YANKS Join Date: Feb 2002 Location: Indiana Posts: 15,732 Internets: 311447	If the equivalent of a Sexbear for turtles was the Sexturtle, and if a Sexturtle ever did exist, Crunch would be a Sexturtle. Crunch is a 165 pound Alligator Snapping Turtle estimated to have been born in 1803 (according to a newspaper article that was probably trying to hype his appearance at a local zoo by making him exactly 200 years old). Nevertheless, he is, at the very least, 150 years old, enough to make him the oldest & largest turtle of his kind living today (that we know about). This past Sunday, whilst walking through a car show held in the beautiful Auburn, Indiana, my father, brother, and I stumbled upon a tent with a banner claiming it had the largest snapping turtle alive. Of course, this demanded our attention, so we paid the $1/person entrance fee to see the Fist McNicky. Entrance held not disappointment...but rather interest as the sedentary giant allowed his tongueish appendage mimic the movement of a worm hoping to fool a fish (there weren't any in the tank...because he's in a strict diet...but he's a dumbass). The guy in the tent that seemed to be the keeper of Crunch (the name which has been given to Sexturtle Elite) was more than happy to spit facts at us. One such was was that Crunch has the ability to breathe in 6 feet deep water without leaving the floor of pond/river/lake that he's in. Also, his only predator is man. If a 12 foot alligator dicked around with him, STE would simply take a bite out of him and the gator would pussy out and run away. Had I not been staring at the tank, I may have been inclined to shrug this off as bullshittery...but my eyes verified the comments as not bullshittery, but complete truthery. The moral of the story is this: I saw a fucking pimp turtle this weekend. The guy was handing out little cards with his picture on it...but it doesn't give any relation to size so, instead of scanning it in, I'm going to post an equally-shitty picture from a different site (the only picture of him I could find on the net). He's much more pimp than he looks. Fuck yeah he is. If you want to read the news story about him, go here. On a sidenote, it should be assumed...but, in the case it is not, Crunch is not the pimpest turtle alive. Although he would be a Sexturtle if such a thing existed, he still is only a distant 2nd place to Dylan, my pet turtle. Dylan eats flies like they're going out of style and even ate 5 pellots of food in a row tonight. That's like you or I eating 3 or 4 cows worth of beef in one sitting. He's also cute. He could probably even kill a wasp...yet his shell is only the size of a 50 cent piece. He kicks more ass pound for pound than Crunch ever could. Dylan is the best. That's all. [ January 25, 2005, 09:38 PM: Message edited by: Orgazmo ]

09-09-2003, 01:49 AM	#2 (permalink)
Pliedes Senior Member Join Date: Oct 2002 Location: Puget Sound Posts: 4,594 Internets: 1608	A beautiful post. Crunch definately sounds like a true bad-ass. It's always amazed me at how turtles can live so bloody long. I'd definately like to see some pictures of Dylan though...

09-09-2003, 02:00 AM	#3 (permalink)
Orgazmo COME ON YOU YANKS Join Date: Feb 2002 Location: Indiana Posts: 15,732 Internets: 311447	If some pictures of Dylan is what you want, some pictures of Dylan is what you'll get. Just not right now...because I'm going to bed.

09-09-2003, 02:05 AM	#4 (permalink)
Pliedes Senior Member Join Date: Oct 2002 Location: Puget Sound Posts: 4,594 Internets: 1608	Fair enough. But I'll be waiting.

09-09-2003, 07:17 PM	#5 (permalink)
Orgazmo COME ON YOU YANKS Join Date: Feb 2002 Location: Indiana Posts: 15,732 Internets: 311447	Alright, I took a cockload...but most of them were really blurry and shit because the camera isn't the best (although it did a fine job in roadkilling). Dylan in relation to a deck of casino-quality playing cards. Dylan + Poker = Wow. Does it get any better, folks? Dylan trying to escape from my shoe. He got really close a few times...but just couldn't pull himself up. We'll have to work on his upper-shell strength a bit more. Dylan sitting in a Gatorade cap. I had to scare him to get him to stop moving, which is a tough thing to do when you have a turtle that is basically fearless. Dylan escaping from his plastic prison. He's actually pretty quick, too... There you have him. That man, the master, the Dylan.

09-09-2003, 07:31 PM	#6 (permalink)
sim_flex_x Senior Member Join Date: Feb 2002 Location: St. Pete Posts: 690 Internets: 10	aww Dylan! I miss my boy! It seems like just yesterday we brought him home, and now look at him :] (he looks about the same, but, yeah) Dylan is the most pimp turtle I've ever seen. Honestly, he kills and eats flies. Truly an amazing creature :] If you haven't seen him in person yet, you need to.

09-09-2003, 09:34 PM	#7 (permalink)
Pliedes Senior Member Join Date: Oct 2002 Location: Puget Sound Posts: 4,594 Internets: 1608	Very nice. I can see he is quite the stud. He looks to be the size a poker chip, if my eyes serve me correct. Definately a neat little fella, I'd love to meet him sometimes. Now about this fly-killing. A little movie/video download of such would be great. I want to see the killing machine in action.

09-10-2003, 12:47 AM	#9 (permalink)
Orgazmo COME ON YOU YANKS Join Date: Feb 2002 Location: Indiana Posts: 15,732 Internets: 311447	Yeah, he hasn't killed a fly since I've been down here @ Ball State...mainly because I haven't seen any flies since the move. I'm sure he's still as sharp as a tack...but it's hard to say. Also, I have no way to get a movie on here...even if he was still in practice. Either way, it's pimp as hell. He crouches down way low and sneaks up on them...then, quick as lightning, he strikes them. He normally just takes a leg or wing in the first strike, then gets the whole thing. Well, half of the whole thing as least, taking it under water, biting down harder, then opening, moving his head forward and putting the entire thing in his mouth as he slowly chews. Sometimes, if you're lucky, a leg or something will be sticking out as he chews...wiggling around. It's quite a sight...to see.

09-12-2003, 04:47 PM	#11 (permalink)
Combat Chuck Senior Member Join Date: Oct 2002 Posts: 2,063 Internets: 10	Orgazmo, I suspect that you haven't seen any flies down at BS because Dylan has stuck the area and the flies aren't aware of his presence just yet. He certainly looks like the deadliest of silent killers.