The Fort Wayne Children's Zoo - Nubblies.net Forums

Orgazmo · 07-07-2003, 02:12 AM

Ladies and gentlemen, I'll be the first to admit that I don't grace the reviews section with too much worthwhile material. In fact, I'll go out on a limb and say that my only reasonably valuable contribution to this forum was in the form of Drake. I realize that one post cannot right a wrong; however, with this post I hope to present to you the zoo like you've never seen it before. Of course, by "like you've never seen it before," I assume that you haven't actually seen the zoo...because, if you have seen the zoo, you will probably already know everything that I am about to present. With that said, I still urge you to press forward...as the zoo is one hell of a place.

Well then, without further ado, I present you with...

The Fort Wayne Children's Zoo

Before we jump right into the horse with legs, I'll give you a brief explanation as to why I'm going to do what I'm about to do how I'm about to do it. Instead of reviewing the zoo itself, I'm going to review the creatures which it is formed from. After all, without the creatures, the zoo would just be a place for zookeepers to hang out. That means that, unless you're a zookeeper, you couldn't go. Of course, if only zookeepers were there, it wouldn't be a zoo anymore. If it wasn't a zoo, even zookeepers wouldn't go...because they keep zoos. It's a huge ass circle that would leave the zoo completely empty...empty even of zookeepers. Because of that, I'm going to shy away from a general review and instead focus upon the elements within.

On July 1, 2003, accompanied by sim_flex_x, I made my way through the zoo. Following is a collection of photographs and descriptions of many of the creatures that we encountered. Most of the pictures were taken on that day by either sim or myself; however, in order to tell the story as completely as possible, I've stolen some pictures from the zoo's website. It should be pretty clear (due to the sizings and content) which pictures we took...and which were thieved. Without further ado (for real this time), here's the zoo.

[ July 07, 2003, 12:13 AM: Message edited by: Orgazmo ]

Orgazmo · 07-07-2003, 02:14 AM

The Prairie Dog

I'm a huge fan of the prairie dog. The entire colony of prairie dogs is like an army of pimp sons of bitches that work together to cover each other's asses. They really are amazing to watch. They dig around in their nice little tunnels (which, of course, are pimp) and look out for danger. On this day, they were all just kinda chilling until those motherfucking peacocks started being fistor elites. At this point in the game, the prairie dogs started barking and then all burrowed really quickly. It wasn't because they're pussies...because they're not pussies. In fact, I'd put a large sum on money down on the fact that a prairie dog could kick your ass in a fight. Easily. It was moreso because they like to play it safe. You know what they say, Better Safe than Sorry. Yeah. See, those big ass squawks could have been a huge lion ready to kill the prairie dogs. The lion could have just been impersonating a peacock...hoping that the prairie dogs weren't half as smart as they are. Not this time, you fucking lion, not this time and not ever.
Prairie Dogs: 1
Lions: 0

Official Score: 8.9

Orgazmo · 07-07-2003, 02:14 AM

The Peacock

As you can see, I didn't waste any of our film on these pieces of junk

The peacock is a waste of space. Why the fuck do they even exist? They're cocky sons of bitches who walk around being dumbasses. I can honestly say that I hate the peacock. They might as well be called peacocky's...because they're so damn arrogant. Or, even better, peacunts. Dumb fucks. There were little kids chasing a peacock in Australia while we were in those parts (hunting a different animal...one that will be chronicled a bit later). Normally, when little sons of fucks act up I get pissed and punch them in the face, but I actually didn't mind these little kids simply because they were messing with the peacock. If a terrorist came to me and told me that either all of the peacocks in the world would die, or there would be no more violence in the world, I would choose for all of the peacocks to die (because if there was no more violence, I wouldn't be able to go kill the peacocks myself, those no good sacks of shit). Hate the peacocks.

Official Score: 0.3

[ July 07, 2003, 12:30 AM: Message edited by: Orgazmo ]

Orgazmo · 07-07-2003, 02:14 AM

The Snakes

Alright, so that isn't really a picture of a real snake (it's a picture of the wall where they have a huge ass snake painted)...but we had our doubts about how pictures through glass would show up (as evident with some that you will see later on). Anyway, yeah, they are the snakes. I mean, they're not bad, I guess...they just don't do too much, though. They sit in their cages all day long and, if you're lucky, they will follow your face as you taunt them through the glass. Sure, it's kinda fun looking at something through a quarter inch of glass...knowing damn well that, if that glass wasn't there, it wouldn't think twice about tagging you with enough venom to make your fear the last fear that you would ever feel...but that only goes so far. They look reasonably cool...their only saving grace. That only really makes them cool enough to be seen every now and then in pictures. Granted, there are some cool ones...like the Carolina Pygmy...he's my favorite...but a few can't save them all. I'm not saying that I'm against the snakes by any means. On this trip, I went out of my way to see them...and it's something that I'll do every trip to the zoo. All I'm saying is that, if time doesn't permit for a full sweep of the grounds, these guys are on the top of the shitlist.

Official Score: 5.2

Orgazmo · 07-07-2003, 02:15 AM

The Educational Frog Thing (I forget his name)

There's not much to say about this guy. Everyone has seen him...and it's hard to find someone who doesn't like him. In case you aren't familiar, you approach the wise frog and push a button. Upon this, he tells you three jokes, he tries to teach you about conservation (at which point you humbly walk away, chuckling over the three new jokes that you've added to your comedic arsenal). He's alright. Without him, the zoo wouldn't be the zoo...and that's bad. He stays.

Official Score: 4.3

[ July 07, 2003, 12:16 AM: Message edited by: Orgazmo ]

Orgazmo · 07-07-2003, 02:15 AM

Capuchin Monkeys

That's the baby, born December 27, 2002. What a stud.

This is why the zoo was made. The Capuchin Monkeys are, without a doubt, the zoo's main attraction. They have it all. From their human-like antics to their cute little faces...they're everything that an animal should be...and oh so much more. They have the "I'm a pimp and just chill all day" thing going for them...because some of them just kinda chill at the tops of trees and swing around on vines all day long. They have that "I'm a cute son of a bitch and not tall enough to walk through the grass on my own, so I have to hop wherever I go...the same way that Drake hops around" thing going for them...because of the new baby addition that they have. They have the "I'm a badass" thing going for them...because they're raise hell when anything invades it's territory. They have it all. To clarify a bit about the badass thing, there were two ducks swimming around their little ring of water when we were there. They ducks weren't really harming anything, but as they neared a spot where a Capuchin was, the monkey rushed to the edge of his island and squawked at the duck. At this point in the game, the ducks were clearly outclassed. Embarrassed, the ducks began to quack erratically toward the monkey...but, clearly scared, they relocated. Don't get me wrong, I have nothing against ducks...but, when compared to the Capuchin...they simply can't hold a flame.

Official Score: 10.0

[ July 07, 2003, 12:35 AM: Message edited by: Orgazmo ]

Orgazmo · 07-07-2003, 02:17 AM

The Pirate

Before we get to the photog part of this entry, I feel that a bit of an explanation is in line. All around the zoo were screaming kids. Who the fuck whines when their parent is nice enough to take them to the zoo, you ask? I don't know...but there were plenty of snot-nosed sons of fucks there on that July day that would be happy to answer your question. Anyhoo, whilst taking a break from looking at the Capuchin's beauty and turning my eyes toward a screaming kid, my vision stumbled upon the child's assumed father. I about pissed myself with joy when I realized that this man was a fucking pirate! Honest to God, he was a pirate. If this man was not a pirate, then pirates do not exist. Since pirates do exist...it's clear that he is a pirate. Now that we have that out of the way, let me chronicle the hunt that was about to ensue.

Both seeing this man, sim and I instantly agreed that his legacy needed to be put into print...by Kodak. With that, the not so simple task of photographing a pirate began. You see, had he been a normal man, the job wouldn't have been difficult a'tall. In fact, it would have been as simple as a point and click...however, since he was a pirate, we both knew that he was very ill-tempered. Him seeing us take his picture could have been very bad for our health. With that in mind, imagine trying to get a half-way decent picture of the man while sustaining a heartbeat. Not fucking easy. With that, operation PIcture a Mighty Pirate, or PIMP began.

PIMP began with the pirate entering the Capuchin exhibit. Since the exhibit is a big ass circle, I posed in front of the monkeys hoping for sim to zoom over my shoulder and onto the face of the target. Unfortunately, we were not quick enough and, just as we got the operation set up, the pirate was out of range and traveling our way. He passed us and exited the Capuchin exhibit...but his child would not leave. He traveled back into the exhibit our way and I posed again (this time, in front of nothing...so I looked like a dumbass...with sim having the camera at full zoom as she stood about 5 feet in front of me and pointed it over my shoulder). The picture didn't take for some reason, but sim tried to get another picture of the man's back. In disgust, I threw my head in front of the camera. A picture of the man's back was not good enough for me. Unfortunately, my shenanigans ruined a perfectly reasonable picture of the man's hindside.

Even with my head in the way, you can clearly see that the man is a pirate. If you look just to the outside of my luscious lips, you can see his long black hair. Pirate. Of course, you can also see that he is wearing white camouflage shorts. Pirate. Also, the pictures shows off just a few of his many tattoos. Pirate. Moral of the story? Pirate. Of course, this picture was not enough to fill my photography hunger...so we pressed forward.

We followed the man, his bitch (because real pirates don't have meaninful relationships with females, they only use them for sex), and his accidental (because pirates never plan on having kids) offspring through many a'path in the zoo. On this journey, his kid started whining for some reason or another. At this point in the game, he screamed "Shuddup!" and proceeded to smack the stroller that it was residing in (it could be argued that he struck the child, but I don't think he did). We wound up at Australia, where we took a seat in the middle of the place as he corraled his folks into the Great Barrier Reef. Before they went in, sim snapped a pretty good picture of him.

At this point in the game, I switched sim seats and fully extended the camera's zoom. I aimed it toward the door where the pirate and his family would be exiting once leaving the Great Barrier Reef exhibit. I had sim sit across from me so that it would look as if I was photogging her...whilst in reality I was capturing perhaps the baddest of asses on film. With everything set up to perfection...we waited. After a few minutes, he showed himself...but, just as he did this, some dumb bitch let her kid run into the fountain...almost completely blocking my view. I decided to wait rather than waste more film at this early stage in the game. As he made his way around the Australian Park, the flower things that you see in the above photograph each took turns blocking my view. Finally, he got in a very good position for picturing and I aimed. Unfortunately, just as I took the picture, he looked right up at me. Because I'm a pussy and like living, I moved the camera down as fast as I could. The split second that I moved it, the picture actually took and, instead of a perfect picture of the pirate, I ended up with a blurry picture of a stroller. I'm not going to show it...because there's absolutely nothing to see. At this point, I was extremely disappointed and I started to move back toward the Capuchins...where we had left off. Sim, ever so determined, pressed forward on the search only to find that they were skipping the Australian exhibit and traveling back our direction. She ran toward me, we looked at the Murray Turtle (which looks just like a normal turtle...except it has a longer tail...yet still isn't worth a review), and then continued, a few yards behind the pirate. At this point in the game, sim continued on the pirate's tail as I stopped to watch a different animal...
To Be Continued

[ July 07, 2003, 12:41 AM: Message edited by: Orgazmo ]

Orgazmo · 07-07-2003, 02:17 AM

The Alligator

The alligator really isn't that cool. All of the times that I have seen him...he simply lays there and absorbs people's looks. All of the times...other than the last time, that is. Buahaha... Yeah, the only reason that he moved this time was that they were feeding him. Coincidentally enough, this happened to be the only reason that I watched him. They were using big ass tongs to feed him little rats. You would think that it'd be pretty cool to see an alligator eat rats, wouldn't you? If you just said "yes," you are wrong. It wasn't cool at all. The alligator sucks.

Official Score: 3.8

Orgazmo · 07-07-2003, 02:18 AM

The Pirate (cont.)

As I fiddleassed with the alligator, sim was still working hard to make my dreams come true. Like the trooper that she is, she set up shop right in the middle of a popular zoo-intersection to take one final shot of the elusive sailor. Unfortunately, an almost-obese man walked right in front of her as the shot was snapped. He also looked right at her with a dumbass look on his face...which is kinda funny. Fortunately, he was a split second too late to ruin the glory.

The guy in the foreground is a ninja. He was sent by the head of the ninjas to stop us from photogging the pimp as fuck pirate. Fuck you, ninjas, you're not quick enough. Now, if you look over the ninja's left (your right) shoulder, you'll see the most piratey man on this earth that I've ever seen. What a stud. God bless him. Wow.

Official Score: 10.0

[ July 07, 2003, 12:43 AM: Message edited by: Orgazmo ]

Orgazmo · 07-07-2003, 02:19 AM

After logging the pirate, we made our way back to the Capuchin's and continued our way around the zoo...right where we had left off an amazing 30 - 45 minutes earlier.

The Ring-Tailed Lemur

What a stud. Just look at this pimp. I'd have to say that the coolest thing about him are his eyes, though...which...unfortunately, aren't visible in this photograph. They're a piercing orange...which is nice. Also, these cunthorses have agility like nobody's business. Along with this, I'd be willing to bet that they can kick more ass than you'd give them credit for. For their size, I'd say that they're in about the 97th percentile for ass-kicking. Not too damn bad. I like them. I'm probably going to have one someday as a pet. Yeah, I will.

Official Score: 7.9

Orgazmo · 07-07-2003, 02:19 AM

The Ape-like thing...that I forget what it's called...thing...

This guy is a pimp. He chills all day long. That's all he does...is chill. He sits on his vine...and chills. Sometimes he swings to the other side of his cage to chill. They he'll swing back to where he started from. At this point in the game, he chills. Every now and then he decides to travel to the bottom of the cage where he gets some shit to eat and then chills. Then he climbs back to the top where he chills. He chills like nothing else. No fucking creature chills like this son of a bitch chills. I don't know what his name is...but it should be Chillmaster Elite. Because that's what he does. He chills. And I like it. Unfortunately for him, chilling doesn't make you too fun to watch. It does make you better than those fucking snakes, though.

Official Rating: 7.3

[ July 07, 2003, 12:44 AM: Message edited by: Orgazmo ]

Orgazmo · 07-07-2003, 02:19 AM

The Tiger

The tiger...is a huge vagina with legs. I do not like the tiger for many reasons...which I'll let you in on. Firstly, the tiger attempts to chill...like Chillmaster Elite...but chilling doesn't work when you're supposed to be a tough son of a bitch. You see, Chillmaster Elite isn't the type of guy that is supposed to strike fear in the hearts of men. The tiger is. When I go to the tiger's cage, I want to see him tearing through the bars, grabbing unsuspecting toddlers, and ripping them apart. Instead, this orange son of a bitch lies down all day like he's the shit. I've got news for ya, buddy, you're simply shit. There are animals out there that can get by on their looks alone. Unfortunately, if there was a list of such animals, "Lazy Fuck of a Tiger" would not be on the list. What's that? The zookeeper won't give you shit to hunt? I'd hate for you to get up off your ass and practice hunting. How the fuck do you expect to be able to fend for yourself in the wild forests of Ft. Wayne after a tornado sets you free? Are you that fucking thick-skulled that you think you'll be hand fed your entire fucking life? You won't be, you sack of shit. Instead of sitting on your ass, get ready for the inevitable. Fuck you.

Official Score: 3.4

Orgazmo · 07-07-2003, 02:20 AM

The Orangutan

Chillmaster Elite's only real rival. Of course, nothing can really rival Chillmaster Elite's skill; however, this creature is smart as fuck...a trait that puts him a step ahead of his predecessor. Like CME, he chills quite a bit...but he also does some pimp shit. He swings around like nobody else can (not even the capuchins), and he interacts with people. This guy is basically talking to a zookeeper through that little screen over there when this picture is taken. He makes facial expressions to tell you exactly how he's feeling and will tell you to fuck off if he wants you to fuck off. He's the type of guy that tells it like it is and, for that, I'm a fan.

Official Score: 8.2

Orgazmo · 07-07-2003, 02:20 AM

The African Squirrel

The african squirrel is not it's real name...but it should be...because it's from africa...and it's a squirrel. He's pretty pimp. He's just like a normal squirrel...but he looks a lot more pimp and he's quicker. I really really like him. Compared to most of the other animals in the zoo, he was really active...which is a definite plus. You wouldn't think that a simple squirrel could be so cool...but he can...and he is. There's not too much to say about him in the end...but he's really really cool. He could probably kick a normal squirrel's ass as well...but that's pretty much assumed.

Official Score: 7.1

Orgazmo · 07-07-2003, 02:21 AM

The Tasmanian Devil

...fucking sucks. There's a sign in front of this motherfucker telling the spectators that he's the last one in the United States. Let's do us all a favor and make these fuckers extinct. It wouldn't take too much...as he's clearly a pussy. He's not nearly as cool as the real Tasmanian Devil...but what is? He already looks like he's dead...he can't be too far off...let's just put him out of his misery. I think he's got a case of the "fuck you, I'm the last one, I'm untouchable" syndrome. Let me let you in on a little secret, buddy: I don't give a fuck. I'll end you and not think twice about it. Drop the fucking attitude and put on a show. Fucker.

Official Score: 1.7

Orgazmo · 07-07-2003, 02:21 AM

The Kangaroo

I've always been a huge kangaroo fan. This time around, a lot of the bitches had their kids in their pouches...as you can see here. I like them and I'll tell you why: you can pet them. It's not everyday that you can walk around and have kangaroos come up to you for a petting. At the zoo...you can. One of the thousands of reasons why the zoo is a very nice place to visit. Pet a fucking kangaroo. Amazing. Seriously though, this bastard just hops around all day. They have enough power in their legs to sever a bodybuilder's arm with one kick...yet they don't flaunt it at all. Modesty is a characteristic that one comes to appreciate about certain animals in the zoo. Definitely a strong suit for the old Kangaroo. I like 'em. I like 'em a lot.

Official Score: 8.4

Orgazmo · 07-07-2003, 02:21 AM

The Galapagos Tortoise

A huge stud. This thing is an absolutely amazing creature. He's so damn big...like a fucking tank. He's kinda like a mini-dinosaur...and that's definitely a good thing. Just imagine a guy so fucking built that he can walk 2 miles per hour no matter where he goes and still know that no one is going to fuck with him. I really really like him. Just think about having one of these bastards as a pet. Putting a leash around his neck and taking him on a walk around the block. You'd be the pimp of the neighborhood. Yeah, I like him.

Official Score: 9.1

Orgazmo · 07-07-2003, 02:21 AM

The Ostrich

One of the only two birds at the zoo that would get more than a 3.0 from me (the other is the pimp son of a bitch in Australia that can sit still for hours at a time). He was right up by the fence thing...repeatedly biting at it (and us). I tried to feed him branches and shit...but he wasn't too interested. Basically, this animal is as dumb as a bag of shoes. On that note, he's still quite pimp due to his size & ability to bite. Oh can he bite. He's also fast as fuck. I'd like to set up fights in the zoo between crazy animals...like this guy and a bobcat. I think it'd be pretty close. Sure, the bobcat should win...but would he? He couldn't catch this guy... Also, this guy would knock him down and peck the fuck out of him. What do you think? I still think the bobcat would win.

Official Score: 7.7

[ July 07, 2003, 12:33 AM: Message edited by: Orgazmo ]

Orgazmo · 07-07-2003, 02:22 AM

The Leopard

He's definitely not bad. Nothing spectacular here...but he doesn't claim to be anything spectacular. He was just pacing back and forth when we saw him...from the back of his cage to the front...and then all over again. Non stop. I really liked that about him. In fact, since seeing him, I've started pacing instead of just standing still...in stand still situations where there is pace room...and, I'll have you know, pacing has proven to be much more enjoyable. I highly recommend at least trying out a pace every now and again instead of the humdrum stand still. What do you have to lose? Anyway, yeah, he's a badass. Last time we saw him, there was a huge ass bone that was picked almost clean (still a bit of blood left on it). He's not just all show, folks. He's not like that pussy son of a fuck tiger...he's got game.

Official Score: 8.1

Orgazmo · 07-07-2003, 02:22 AM

The Warthog

What an Ugly Bastard. Seriously, look at this shit-log with hair. Like he wasn't fucking ugly enough...he has to have huge ass horns coming out of the sides of his head. And then, just incase there was a scrap of beauty left, he was given a very thin mane that resembles a balding man's comb-over. Even with all of that said, I like him. Beauty, my friends, is not the defining factor at the zoo. This animal has a very above-average chillability...and that's something that I like. But hold the hell on...it doesn't stop there, folks. This ugly fuck spends his days wallowing in mud and his own wastes. What a cliche ugly fuck. Still...oddly likable.

Official Score: 5.9

Orgazmo · 07-07-2003, 02:23 AM

The Squirrel Monkey

He's good. This is the creature that, on the last trip to the zoo, Ugly Bastard molested with a reasonably-sized stick. The monkey grabbed the stick and slowly broke off chunks until it was but a twig. The monkey won. Because of this stunt, if for no other reason, he gets good marks in my book. I mean, he doesn't have a ton of shit going for him outside of that. He's not bad...not by any means...but he doesn't have much that he brings to the table. He's alright though. Look at how he's looking at me in the picture. That makes me like him more than I normally would. He's pretty good.

Official Score: 6.8

Orgazmo · 07-07-2003, 02:23 AM

And now...now the last animal.

The Giraffe

Normally not a show-stopper...but I'm going to tell you a story. Firstly, we did not visit the giraffes last...but I wanted to save this story so that this review would end on a bang (haha). Anyway, we stopped and saw the giraffes on the way through the first time. They were alright...you know how giraffes are. Then we passed them again (because Africa is a huge ass loop so you have to see all the shit twice). Anyway, as we were nearing the exhibit, we hear some lady say "Look! He's got his winger dinger out!" So, like the observer that I am, I quickly run to get a closer look and, sure enough, the son of a bitch has a red rocket (the son of a bitch that I'm talking about is the one furthest right in this picture...partly behind the rock. He standing behind the bitch that gave him wood). Anyway, we stayed and watched this piss-horse as his lowered and retracted his penis over and over again...all the while standing directly behind his bitch. One time he let it drop to his knees...than pulled it tight, so it ran parallel to his body, and then started jerking back and forth like he was about to mount his significant other...but then he just kinda stopped and sucked his giant wand back into its holder. The holder is about 6" long, and the rocket itself is about a foot and a half to 2 feet long. Bascially, what I'm saying is that he's hung like a fucking whale. It was absolutely amazing...to say the least. One time, when he sucked his rocket back into it's holder, it started dripping stuff, manjuice I assume, but he hadn't actually mounted so I don't know why the fuck he had any manjuice to drip...unless he had mounted previously and still had some left...I don't know. It doesn't matter, the point is that I saw his cock and it was huge. That's it.

Official Score (of Giraffe): 5.8
Official Score (of Giraffe's Cock): 9.7

Orgazmo · 07-07-2003, 02:25 AM

There was a ton of other pimp shit that we saw...but I don't really feel like writing anymore. The sea otters, for example, are pimp sons of cunts. The penguins follow suit. Also, feeding the ducks is a good time. We were feeding the ducks quite a bit...but the big ass geese would always come over and spreads their wings and squawk at the ducks to intimidate them...thus forcing them away. Of course, this forced me to throw large rocks at the geese until they left. I threw a moderately sized rock at a goose's back...but it didn't deter it too much...so I got a slightly larger rock and hit the same goose in the face (where the bill meets the face...kinda near the side). This settled the bastard down. I think his friends saw me do it, too, because they all started behaving after this. I hate geese. Fuck geese. Fuck geese and fuck peacocks. Those motherfuckers.

Alright, that's the end of the review. If you have any questions, go to the zoo yourself and find out that answer. They're open from 9 - 5 everyday, but they'll let you browse until 6 and it costs $6.50/person to get in. It's really a great place to take a date...or, if you're lonely, go make some animal friends. It's fun...so go.

All in all, the zoo, of course, gets an astounding 10.0

Now, there is a big acknowledgement that needs to be given. I'd like to give a huge thank you to sim_flex_x. Not only did she donate an entire roll of film, her camera, her photography skills, and the money needed to get film developed onto a cd, but she allowed me to take her to the zoo for a 4 year anniversary celebration. What a girl, honestly. She get's a huge 10.0.

[ July 07, 2003, 12:27 AM: Message edited by: Orgazmo ]

sim_flex_x · 07-07-2003, 02:47 AM

:] thanks Gaz, I can't believe I rank with the CaPUchins ;]

This review was amazing. You did a great job of recreating our day at the zoo, and I thank you again for taking me :]

If you haven't ever been to the Ft. Wayne Children's Zoo, or haven't been since you were little, I HIGHLY recommend going again, it's sooo much fun and the animals are great to see! How often do you get the opportunity to pet a kangaroo?

From Pirates to Capuchins to mating giraffes, there's seriously something for everyone. I've been to a few zoos in my time and the Ft. Wayne zoo is honestly my favorite. It quite simply rocks. It's so close and it's so much fun; you can go for a couple of hours or you can stay all afternoon! I really can't say enough about it, so just go and see for yourself :]

Fruitacious B · 07-07-2003, 03:19 AM

Wow, i don't know exactly what to say. That is a fucking amazing review. I really want to go to the zoo now. Good work guys.

07-07-2003, 03:19 AM	#25 (permalink)
Fruitacious B Bokononist Join Date: May 2003 Location: Indianapolis Posts: 2,595 Internets: 11801	Wow, i don't know exactly what to say. That is a fucking amazing review. I really want to go to the zoo now. Good work guys.
	"Those who believe in telekinetics, raise my hand." \|vonnegut

07-07-2003, 02:12 AM	#1 (permalink)
Orgazmo COME ON YOU YANKS Join Date: Feb 2002 Location: Indiana Posts: 15,732 Internets: 311447	Ladies and gentlemen, I'll be the first to admit that I don't grace the reviews section with too much worthwhile material. In fact, I'll go out on a limb and say that my only reasonably valuable contribution to this forum was in the form of Drake. I realize that one post cannot right a wrong; however, with this post I hope to present to you the zoo like you've never seen it before. Of course, by "like you've never seen it before," I assume that you haven't actually seen the zoo...because, if you have seen the zoo, you will probably already know everything that I am about to present. With that said, I still urge you to press forward...as the zoo is one hell of a place. Well then, without further ado, I present you with... The Fort Wayne Children's Zoo Before we jump right into the horse with legs, I'll give you a brief explanation as to why I'm going to do what I'm about to do how I'm about to do it. Instead of reviewing the zoo itself, I'm going to review the creatures which it is formed from. After all, without the creatures, the zoo would just be a place for zookeepers to hang out. That means that, unless you're a zookeeper, you couldn't go. Of course, if only zookeepers were there, it wouldn't be a zoo anymore. If it wasn't a zoo, even zookeepers wouldn't go...because they keep zoos. It's a huge ass circle that would leave the zoo completely empty...empty even of zookeepers. Because of that, I'm going to shy away from a general review and instead focus upon the elements within. On July 1, 2003, accompanied by sim_flex_x, I made my way through the zoo. Following is a collection of photographs and descriptions of many of the creatures that we encountered. Most of the pictures were taken on that day by either sim or myself; however, in order to tell the story as completely as possible, I've stolen some pictures from the zoo's website. It should be pretty clear (due to the sizings and content) which pictures we took...and which were thieved. Without further ado (for real this time), here's the zoo. [ July 07, 2003, 12:13 AM: Message edited by: Orgazmo ]

07-07-2003, 02:14 AM	#2 (permalink)
Orgazmo COME ON YOU YANKS Join Date: Feb 2002 Location: Indiana Posts: 15,732 Internets: 311447	The Prairie Dog I'm a huge fan of the prairie dog. The entire colony of prairie dogs is like an army of pimp sons of bitches that work together to cover each other's asses. They really are amazing to watch. They dig around in their nice little tunnels (which, of course, are pimp) and look out for danger. On this day, they were all just kinda chilling until those motherfucking peacocks started being fistor elites. At this point in the game, the prairie dogs started barking and then all burrowed really quickly. It wasn't because they're pussies...because they're not pussies. In fact, I'd put a large sum on money down on the fact that a prairie dog could kick your ass in a fight. Easily. It was moreso because they like to play it safe. You know what they say, Better Safe than Sorry. Yeah. See, those big ass squawks could have been a huge lion ready to kill the prairie dogs. The lion could have just been impersonating a peacock...hoping that the prairie dogs weren't half as smart as they are. Not this time, you fucking lion, not this time and not ever. Prairie Dogs: 1 Lions: 0 Official Score: 8.9

07-07-2003, 02:14 AM	#3 (permalink)
Orgazmo COME ON YOU YANKS Join Date: Feb 2002 Location: Indiana Posts: 15,732 Internets: 311447	The Peacock As you can see, I didn't waste any of our film on these pieces of junk The peacock is a waste of space. Why the fuck do they even exist? They're cocky sons of bitches who walk around being dumbasses. I can honestly say that I hate the peacock. They might as well be called peacocky's...because they're so damn arrogant. Or, even better, peacunts. Dumb fucks. There were little kids chasing a peacock in Australia while we were in those parts (hunting a different animal...one that will be chronicled a bit later). Normally, when little sons of fucks act up I get pissed and punch them in the face, but I actually didn't mind these little kids simply because they were messing with the peacock. If a terrorist came to me and told me that either all of the peacocks in the world would die, or there would be no more violence in the world, I would choose for all of the peacocks to die (because if there was no more violence, I wouldn't be able to go kill the peacocks myself, those no good sacks of shit). Hate the peacocks. Official Score: 0.3 [ July 07, 2003, 12:30 AM: Message edited by: Orgazmo ]

07-07-2003, 02:14 AM	#4 (permalink)
Orgazmo COME ON YOU YANKS Join Date: Feb 2002 Location: Indiana Posts: 15,732 Internets: 311447	The Snakes Alright, so that isn't really a picture of a real snake (it's a picture of the wall where they have a huge ass snake painted)...but we had our doubts about how pictures through glass would show up (as evident with some that you will see later on). Anyway, yeah, they are the snakes. I mean, they're not bad, I guess...they just don't do too much, though. They sit in their cages all day long and, if you're lucky, they will follow your face as you taunt them through the glass. Sure, it's kinda fun looking at something through a quarter inch of glass...knowing damn well that, if that glass wasn't there, it wouldn't think twice about tagging you with enough venom to make your fear the last fear that you would ever feel...but that only goes so far. They look reasonably cool...their only saving grace. That only really makes them cool enough to be seen every now and then in pictures. Granted, there are some cool ones...like the Carolina Pygmy...he's my favorite...but a few can't save them all. I'm not saying that I'm against the snakes by any means. On this trip, I went out of my way to see them...and it's something that I'll do every trip to the zoo. All I'm saying is that, if time doesn't permit for a full sweep of the grounds, these guys are on the top of the shitlist. Official Score: 5.2

07-07-2003, 02:15 AM	#5 (permalink)
Orgazmo COME ON YOU YANKS Join Date: Feb 2002 Location: Indiana Posts: 15,732 Internets: 311447	The Educational Frog Thing (I forget his name) There's not much to say about this guy. Everyone has seen him...and it's hard to find someone who doesn't like him. In case you aren't familiar, you approach the wise frog and push a button. Upon this, he tells you three jokes, he tries to teach you about conservation (at which point you humbly walk away, chuckling over the three new jokes that you've added to your comedic arsenal). He's alright. Without him, the zoo wouldn't be the zoo...and that's bad. He stays. Official Score: 4.3 [ July 07, 2003, 12:16 AM: Message edited by: Orgazmo ]

07-07-2003, 02:15 AM	#6 (permalink)
Orgazmo COME ON YOU YANKS Join Date: Feb 2002 Location: Indiana Posts: 15,732 Internets: 311447	Capuchin Monkeys That's the baby, born December 27, 2002. What a stud. This is why the zoo was made. The Capuchin Monkeys are, without a doubt, the zoo's main attraction. They have it all. From their human-like antics to their cute little faces...they're everything that an animal should be...and oh so much more. They have the "I'm a pimp and just chill all day" thing going for them...because some of them just kinda chill at the tops of trees and swing around on vines all day long. They have that "I'm a cute son of a bitch and not tall enough to walk through the grass on my own, so I have to hop wherever I go...the same way that Drake hops around" thing going for them...because of the new baby addition that they have. They have the "I'm a badass" thing going for them...because they're raise hell when anything invades it's territory. They have it all. To clarify a bit about the badass thing, there were two ducks swimming around their little ring of water when we were there. They ducks weren't really harming anything, but as they neared a spot where a Capuchin was, the monkey rushed to the edge of his island and squawked at the duck. At this point in the game, the ducks were clearly outclassed. Embarrassed, the ducks began to quack erratically toward the monkey...but, clearly scared, they relocated. Don't get me wrong, I have nothing against ducks...but, when compared to the Capuchin...they simply can't hold a flame. Official Score: 10.0 [ July 07, 2003, 12:35 AM: Message edited by: Orgazmo ]

07-07-2003, 02:17 AM	#7 (permalink)
Orgazmo COME ON YOU YANKS Join Date: Feb 2002 Location: Indiana Posts: 15,732 Internets: 311447	The Pirate Before we get to the photog part of this entry, I feel that a bit of an explanation is in line. All around the zoo were screaming kids. Who the fuck whines when their parent is nice enough to take them to the zoo, you ask? I don't know...but there were plenty of snot-nosed sons of fucks there on that July day that would be happy to answer your question. Anyhoo, whilst taking a break from looking at the Capuchin's beauty and turning my eyes toward a screaming kid, my vision stumbled upon the child's assumed father. I about pissed myself with joy when I realized that this man was a fucking pirate! Honest to God, he was a pirate. If this man was not a pirate, then pirates do not exist. Since pirates do exist...it's clear that he is a pirate. Now that we have that out of the way, let me chronicle the hunt that was about to ensue. Both seeing this man, sim and I instantly agreed that his legacy needed to be put into print...by Kodak. With that, the not so simple task of photographing a pirate began. You see, had he been a normal man, the job wouldn't have been difficult a'tall. In fact, it would have been as simple as a point and click...however, since he was a pirate, we both knew that he was very ill-tempered. Him seeing us take his picture could have been very bad for our health. With that in mind, imagine trying to get a half-way decent picture of the man while sustaining a heartbeat. Not fucking easy. With that, operation PIcture a Mighty Pirate, or PIMP began. PIMP began with the pirate entering the Capuchin exhibit. Since the exhibit is a big ass circle, I posed in front of the monkeys hoping for sim to zoom over my shoulder and onto the face of the target. Unfortunately, we were not quick enough and, just as we got the operation set up, the pirate was out of range and traveling our way. He passed us and exited the Capuchin exhibit...but his child would not leave. He traveled back into the exhibit our way and I posed again (this time, in front of nothing...so I looked like a dumbass...with sim having the camera at full zoom as she stood about 5 feet in front of me and pointed it over my shoulder). The picture didn't take for some reason, but sim tried to get another picture of the man's back. In disgust, I threw my head in front of the camera. A picture of the man's back was not good enough for me. Unfortunately, my shenanigans ruined a perfectly reasonable picture of the man's hindside. Even with my head in the way, you can clearly see that the man is a pirate. If you look just to the outside of my luscious lips, you can see his long black hair. Pirate. Of course, you can also see that he is wearing white camouflage shorts. Pirate. Also, the pictures shows off just a few of his many tattoos. Pirate. Moral of the story? Pirate. Of course, this picture was not enough to fill my photography hunger...so we pressed forward. We followed the man, his bitch (because real pirates don't have meaninful relationships with females, they only use them for sex), and his accidental (because pirates never plan on having kids) offspring through many a'path in the zoo. On this journey, his kid started whining for some reason or another. At this point in the game, he screamed "Shuddup!" and proceeded to smack the stroller that it was residing in (it could be argued that he struck the child, but I don't think he did). We wound up at Australia, where we took a seat in the middle of the place as he corraled his folks into the Great Barrier Reef. Before they went in, sim snapped a pretty good picture of him. At this point in the game, I switched sim seats and fully extended the camera's zoom. I aimed it toward the door where the pirate and his family would be exiting once leaving the Great Barrier Reef exhibit. I had sim sit across from me so that it would look as if I was photogging her...whilst in reality I was capturing perhaps the baddest of asses on film. With everything set up to perfection...we waited. After a few minutes, he showed himself...but, just as he did this, some dumb bitch let her kid run into the fountain...almost completely blocking my view. I decided to wait rather than waste more film at this early stage in the game. As he made his way around the Australian Park, the flower things that you see in the above photograph each took turns blocking my view. Finally, he got in a very good position for picturing and I aimed. Unfortunately, just as I took the picture, he looked right up at me. Because I'm a pussy and like living, I moved the camera down as fast as I could. The split second that I moved it, the picture actually took and, instead of a perfect picture of the pirate, I ended up with a blurry picture of a stroller. I'm not going to show it...because there's absolutely nothing to see. At this point, I was extremely disappointed and I started to move back toward the Capuchins...where we had left off. Sim, ever so determined, pressed forward on the search only to find that they were skipping the Australian exhibit and traveling back our direction. She ran toward me, we looked at the Murray Turtle (which looks just like a normal turtle...except it has a longer tail...yet still isn't worth a review), and then continued, a few yards behind the pirate. At this point in the game, sim continued on the pirate's tail as I stopped to watch a different animal... To Be Continued [ July 07, 2003, 12:41 AM: Message edited by: Orgazmo ]

07-07-2003, 02:17 AM	#8 (permalink)
Orgazmo COME ON YOU YANKS Join Date: Feb 2002 Location: Indiana Posts: 15,732 Internets: 311447	The Alligator The alligator really isn't that cool. All of the times that I have seen him...he simply lays there and absorbs people's looks. All of the times...other than the last time, that is. Buahaha... Yeah, the only reason that he moved this time was that they were feeding him. Coincidentally enough, this happened to be the only reason that I watched him. They were using big ass tongs to feed him little rats. You would think that it'd be pretty cool to see an alligator eat rats, wouldn't you? If you just said "yes," you are wrong. It wasn't cool at all. The alligator sucks. Official Score: 3.8

07-07-2003, 02:18 AM	#9 (permalink)
Orgazmo COME ON YOU YANKS Join Date: Feb 2002 Location: Indiana Posts: 15,732 Internets: 311447	The Pirate (cont.) As I fiddleassed with the alligator, sim was still working hard to make my dreams come true. Like the trooper that she is, she set up shop right in the middle of a popular zoo-intersection to take one final shot of the elusive sailor. Unfortunately, an almost-obese man walked right in front of her as the shot was snapped. He also looked right at her with a dumbass look on his face...which is kinda funny. Fortunately, he was a split second too late to ruin the glory. The guy in the foreground is a ninja. He was sent by the head of the ninjas to stop us from photogging the pimp as fuck pirate. Fuck you, ninjas, you're not quick enough. Now, if you look over the ninja's left (your right) shoulder, you'll see the most piratey man on this earth that I've ever seen. What a stud. God bless him. Wow. Official Score: 10.0 [ July 07, 2003, 12:43 AM: Message edited by: Orgazmo ]

07-07-2003, 02:19 AM	#10 (permalink)
Orgazmo COME ON YOU YANKS Join Date: Feb 2002 Location: Indiana Posts: 15,732 Internets: 311447	After logging the pirate, we made our way back to the Capuchin's and continued our way around the zoo...right where we had left off an amazing 30 - 45 minutes earlier. The Ring-Tailed Lemur What a stud. Just look at this pimp. I'd have to say that the coolest thing about him are his eyes, though...which...unfortunately, aren't visible in this photograph. They're a piercing orange...which is nice. Also, these cunthorses have agility like nobody's business. Along with this, I'd be willing to bet that they can kick more ass than you'd give them credit for. For their size, I'd say that they're in about the 97th percentile for ass-kicking. Not too damn bad. I like them. I'm probably going to have one someday as a pet. Yeah, I will. Official Score: 7.9

07-07-2003, 02:19 AM	#11 (permalink)
Orgazmo COME ON YOU YANKS Join Date: Feb 2002 Location: Indiana Posts: 15,732 Internets: 311447	The Ape-like thing...that I forget what it's called...thing... This guy is a pimp. He chills all day long. That's all he does...is chill. He sits on his vine...and chills. Sometimes he swings to the other side of his cage to chill. They he'll swing back to where he started from. At this point in the game, he chills. Every now and then he decides to travel to the bottom of the cage where he gets some shit to eat and then chills. Then he climbs back to the top where he chills. He chills like nothing else. No fucking creature chills like this son of a bitch chills. I don't know what his name is...but it should be Chillmaster Elite. Because that's what he does. He chills. And I like it. Unfortunately for him, chilling doesn't make you too fun to watch. It does make you better than those fucking snakes, though. Official Rating: 7.3 [ July 07, 2003, 12:44 AM: Message edited by: Orgazmo ]

07-07-2003, 02:19 AM	#12 (permalink)
Orgazmo COME ON YOU YANKS Join Date: Feb 2002 Location: Indiana Posts: 15,732 Internets: 311447	The Tiger The tiger...is a huge vagina with legs. I do not like the tiger for many reasons...which I'll let you in on. Firstly, the tiger attempts to chill...like Chillmaster Elite...but chilling doesn't work when you're supposed to be a tough son of a bitch. You see, Chillmaster Elite isn't the type of guy that is supposed to strike fear in the hearts of men. The tiger is. When I go to the tiger's cage, I want to see him tearing through the bars, grabbing unsuspecting toddlers, and ripping them apart. Instead, this orange son of a bitch lies down all day like he's the shit. I've got news for ya, buddy, you're simply shit. There are animals out there that can get by on their looks alone. Unfortunately, if there was a list of such animals, "Lazy Fuck of a Tiger" would not be on the list. What's that? The zookeeper won't give you shit to hunt? I'd hate for you to get up off your ass and practice hunting. How the fuck do you expect to be able to fend for yourself in the wild forests of Ft. Wayne after a tornado sets you free? Are you that fucking thick-skulled that you think you'll be hand fed your entire fucking life? You won't be, you sack of shit. Instead of sitting on your ass, get ready for the inevitable. Fuck you. Official Score: 3.4

07-07-2003, 02:20 AM	#13 (permalink)
Orgazmo COME ON YOU YANKS Join Date: Feb 2002 Location: Indiana Posts: 15,732 Internets: 311447	The Orangutan Chillmaster Elite's only real rival. Of course, nothing can really rival Chillmaster Elite's skill; however, this creature is smart as fuck...a trait that puts him a step ahead of his predecessor. Like CME, he chills quite a bit...but he also does some pimp shit. He swings around like nobody else can (not even the capuchins), and he interacts with people. This guy is basically talking to a zookeeper through that little screen over there when this picture is taken. He makes facial expressions to tell you exactly how he's feeling and will tell you to fuck off if he wants you to fuck off. He's the type of guy that tells it like it is and, for that, I'm a fan. Official Score: 8.2

07-07-2003, 02:20 AM	#14 (permalink)
Orgazmo COME ON YOU YANKS Join Date: Feb 2002 Location: Indiana Posts: 15,732 Internets: 311447	The African Squirrel The african squirrel is not it's real name...but it should be...because it's from africa...and it's a squirrel. He's pretty pimp. He's just like a normal squirrel...but he looks a lot more pimp and he's quicker. I really really like him. Compared to most of the other animals in the zoo, he was really active...which is a definite plus. You wouldn't think that a simple squirrel could be so cool...but he can...and he is. There's not too much to say about him in the end...but he's really really cool. He could probably kick a normal squirrel's ass as well...but that's pretty much assumed. Official Score: 7.1

07-07-2003, 02:21 AM	#15 (permalink)
Orgazmo COME ON YOU YANKS Join Date: Feb 2002 Location: Indiana Posts: 15,732 Internets: 311447	The Tasmanian Devil ...fucking sucks. There's a sign in front of this motherfucker telling the spectators that he's the last one in the United States. Let's do us all a favor and make these fuckers extinct. It wouldn't take too much...as he's clearly a pussy. He's not nearly as cool as the real Tasmanian Devil...but what is? He already looks like he's dead...he can't be too far off...let's just put him out of his misery. I think he's got a case of the "fuck you, I'm the last one, I'm untouchable" syndrome. Let me let you in on a little secret, buddy: I don't give a fuck. I'll end you and not think twice about it. Drop the fucking attitude and put on a show. Fucker. Official Score: 1.7

07-07-2003, 02:21 AM	#16 (permalink)
Orgazmo COME ON YOU YANKS Join Date: Feb 2002 Location: Indiana Posts: 15,732 Internets: 311447	The Kangaroo I've always been a huge kangaroo fan. This time around, a lot of the bitches had their kids in their pouches...as you can see here. I like them and I'll tell you why: you can pet them. It's not everyday that you can walk around and have kangaroos come up to you for a petting. At the zoo...you can. One of the thousands of reasons why the zoo is a very nice place to visit. Pet a fucking kangaroo. Amazing. Seriously though, this bastard just hops around all day. They have enough power in their legs to sever a bodybuilder's arm with one kick...yet they don't flaunt it at all. Modesty is a characteristic that one comes to appreciate about certain animals in the zoo. Definitely a strong suit for the old Kangaroo. I like 'em. I like 'em a lot. Official Score: 8.4

07-07-2003, 02:21 AM	#17 (permalink)
Orgazmo COME ON YOU YANKS Join Date: Feb 2002 Location: Indiana Posts: 15,732 Internets: 311447	The Galapagos Tortoise A huge stud. This thing is an absolutely amazing creature. He's so damn big...like a fucking tank. He's kinda like a mini-dinosaur...and that's definitely a good thing. Just imagine a guy so fucking built that he can walk 2 miles per hour no matter where he goes and still know that no one is going to fuck with him. I really really like him. Just think about having one of these bastards as a pet. Putting a leash around his neck and taking him on a walk around the block. You'd be the pimp of the neighborhood. Yeah, I like him. Official Score: 9.1

07-07-2003, 02:21 AM	#18 (permalink)
Orgazmo COME ON YOU YANKS Join Date: Feb 2002 Location: Indiana Posts: 15,732 Internets: 311447	The Ostrich One of the only two birds at the zoo that would get more than a 3.0 from me (the other is the pimp son of a bitch in Australia that can sit still for hours at a time). He was right up by the fence thing...repeatedly biting at it (and us). I tried to feed him branches and shit...but he wasn't too interested. Basically, this animal is as dumb as a bag of shoes. On that note, he's still quite pimp due to his size & ability to bite. Oh can he bite. He's also fast as fuck. I'd like to set up fights in the zoo between crazy animals...like this guy and a bobcat. I think it'd be pretty close. Sure, the bobcat should win...but would he? He couldn't catch this guy... Also, this guy would knock him down and peck the fuck out of him. What do you think? I still think the bobcat would win. Official Score: 7.7 [ July 07, 2003, 12:33 AM: Message edited by: Orgazmo ]

07-07-2003, 02:22 AM	#19 (permalink)
Orgazmo COME ON YOU YANKS Join Date: Feb 2002 Location: Indiana Posts: 15,732 Internets: 311447	The Leopard He's definitely not bad. Nothing spectacular here...but he doesn't claim to be anything spectacular. He was just pacing back and forth when we saw him...from the back of his cage to the front...and then all over again. Non stop. I really liked that about him. In fact, since seeing him, I've started pacing instead of just standing still...in stand still situations where there is pace room...and, I'll have you know, pacing has proven to be much more enjoyable. I highly recommend at least trying out a pace every now and again instead of the humdrum stand still. What do you have to lose? Anyway, yeah, he's a badass. Last time we saw him, there was a huge ass bone that was picked almost clean (still a bit of blood left on it). He's not just all show, folks. He's not like that pussy son of a fuck tiger...he's got game. Official Score: 8.1

07-07-2003, 02:22 AM	#20 (permalink)
Orgazmo COME ON YOU YANKS Join Date: Feb 2002 Location: Indiana Posts: 15,732 Internets: 311447	The Warthog What an Ugly Bastard. Seriously, look at this shit-log with hair. Like he wasn't fucking ugly enough...he has to have huge ass horns coming out of the sides of his head. And then, just incase there was a scrap of beauty left, he was given a very thin mane that resembles a balding man's comb-over. Even with all of that said, I like him. Beauty, my friends, is not the defining factor at the zoo. This animal has a very above-average chillability...and that's something that I like. But hold the hell on...it doesn't stop there, folks. This ugly fuck spends his days wallowing in mud and his own wastes. What a cliche ugly fuck. Still...oddly likable. Official Score: 5.9

07-07-2003, 02:23 AM	#21 (permalink)
Orgazmo COME ON YOU YANKS Join Date: Feb 2002 Location: Indiana Posts: 15,732 Internets: 311447	The Squirrel Monkey He's good. This is the creature that, on the last trip to the zoo, Ugly Bastard molested with a reasonably-sized stick. The monkey grabbed the stick and slowly broke off chunks until it was but a twig. The monkey won. Because of this stunt, if for no other reason, he gets good marks in my book. I mean, he doesn't have a ton of shit going for him outside of that. He's not bad...not by any means...but he doesn't have much that he brings to the table. He's alright though. Look at how he's looking at me in the picture. That makes me like him more than I normally would. He's pretty good. Official Score: 6.8

07-07-2003, 02:23 AM	#22 (permalink)
Orgazmo COME ON YOU YANKS Join Date: Feb 2002 Location: Indiana Posts: 15,732 Internets: 311447	And now...now the last animal. The Giraffe Normally not a show-stopper...but I'm going to tell you a story. Firstly, we did not visit the giraffes last...but I wanted to save this story so that this review would end on a bang (haha). Anyway, we stopped and saw the giraffes on the way through the first time. They were alright...you know how giraffes are. Then we passed them again (because Africa is a huge ass loop so you have to see all the shit twice). Anyway, as we were nearing the exhibit, we hear some lady say "Look! He's got his winger dinger out!" So, like the observer that I am, I quickly run to get a closer look and, sure enough, the son of a bitch has a red rocket (the son of a bitch that I'm talking about is the one furthest right in this picture...partly behind the rock. He standing behind the bitch that gave him wood). Anyway, we stayed and watched this piss-horse as his lowered and retracted his penis over and over again...all the while standing directly behind his bitch. One time he let it drop to his knees...than pulled it tight, so it ran parallel to his body, and then started jerking back and forth like he was about to mount his significant other...but then he just kinda stopped and sucked his giant wand back into its holder. The holder is about 6" long, and the rocket itself is about a foot and a half to 2 feet long. Bascially, what I'm saying is that he's hung like a fucking whale. It was absolutely amazing...to say the least. One time, when he sucked his rocket back into it's holder, it started dripping stuff, manjuice I assume, but he hadn't actually mounted so I don't know why the fuck he had any manjuice to drip...unless he had mounted previously and still had some left...I don't know. It doesn't matter, the point is that I saw his cock and it was huge. That's it. Official Score (of Giraffe): 5.8 Official Score (of Giraffe's Cock): 9.7

07-07-2003, 02:25 AM	#23 (permalink)
Orgazmo COME ON YOU YANKS Join Date: Feb 2002 Location: Indiana Posts: 15,732 Internets: 311447	There was a ton of other pimp shit that we saw...but I don't really feel like writing anymore. The sea otters, for example, are pimp sons of cunts. The penguins follow suit. Also, feeding the ducks is a good time. We were feeding the ducks quite a bit...but the big ass geese would always come over and spreads their wings and squawk at the ducks to intimidate them...thus forcing them away. Of course, this forced me to throw large rocks at the geese until they left. I threw a moderately sized rock at a goose's back...but it didn't deter it too much...so I got a slightly larger rock and hit the same goose in the face (where the bill meets the face...kinda near the side). This settled the bastard down. I think his friends saw me do it, too, because they all started behaving after this. I hate geese. Fuck geese. Fuck geese and fuck peacocks. Those motherfuckers. Alright, that's the end of the review. If you have any questions, go to the zoo yourself and find out that answer. They're open from 9 - 5 everyday, but they'll let you browse until 6 and it costs $6.50/person to get in. It's really a great place to take a date...or, if you're lonely, go make some animal friends. It's fun...so go. All in all, the zoo, of course, gets an astounding 10.0 Now, there is a big acknowledgement that needs to be given. I'd like to give a huge thank you to sim_flex_x. Not only did she donate an entire roll of film, her camera, her photography skills, and the money needed to get film developed onto a cd, but she allowed me to take her to the zoo for a 4 year anniversary celebration. What a girl, honestly. She get's a huge 10.0. [ July 07, 2003, 12:27 AM: Message edited by: Orgazmo ]

07-07-2003, 02:47 AM	#24 (permalink)
sim_flex_x Senior Member Join Date: Feb 2002 Location: St. Pete Posts: 690 Internets: 10	:] thanks Gaz, I can't believe I rank with the CaPUchins ;] This review was amazing. You did a great job of recreating our day at the zoo, and I thank you again for taking me :] If you haven't ever been to the Ft. Wayne Children's Zoo, or haven't been since you were little, I HIGHLY recommend going again, it's sooo much fun and the animals are great to see! How often do you get the opportunity to pet a kangaroo? From Pirates to Capuchins to mating giraffes, there's seriously something for everyone. I've been to a few zoos in my time and the Ft. Wayne zoo is honestly my favorite. It quite simply rocks. It's so close and it's so much fun; you can go for a couple of hours or you can stay all afternoon! I really can't say enough about it, so just go and see for yourself :]