A beautiful creature

[Repugnant Abomination]

This is the beginning of a novel I'm working on. I'd like to hear some feedback so far.

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0

“Every idea, no matter how good, will always have its critics. Even the freedom of the slaves was lamented by some. I have learned that the playing field is so uneven that violence, no matter how deplorable, is sometimes the only way to gain a voice. When this is the case, those who resort to violence are cast as villains by those in power, and they are often unjustly hated and feared. This is where my story begins.”

“It is a common misconception that I am ugly. I am beautiful, as you can see, and on those rare occasions I reveal myself man is often reduced to tears to behold a creature so lovely. Of my kind I am the strongest, smartest and most beautiful. That is not pride talking, it is truth – I was created to be the best of my species. And yet even as I tell you this I see you recoil as if I were hideous to behold. It is expected though. You have been told all your life that I am the master of lies, and yet you were also told I was hideous to look at, but here I am, pleasing to the eye. Perhaps then it can be concluded that you have received misinformation about me, or lies, for though you listen to my words with the predetermined conclusion that they are lies, I am still beautiful, the opposite of which you have been told, and by that rationale isn’t it possible that you were also lied to about me being a liar? Sit down, if you please, I can see by the look in your eyes that I will need to start at the beginning. Then, you can make up your own mind about me.”

1

“Of all the books in the Bible that speak of me, Genesis has it most right. How mankind has managed to misread it can only be explained by the hate your kind has been made to feel towards me. I have often heard it said that God loved you so much he gave you free will, but have you ever questioned if he gave you the free will to exercise your free will? It reads plainly that I am responsible for opening man’s eyes – I, Lucifer, awakened man. Before me, God had cast a film over your eyes. Adam and Eve were truly sheep, ignorant and tame. I pitied those empty shells as much as I envied them. It is true that I was not motivated by the want to help, but from the need to hurt that which created us both. Once I convinced Eve, who in turn convinced Adam, to eat from the tree that contained knowledge of good and evil, I expected thanks, for what better gift can one give another but the gift of truth? That was not to be. But as I watched I saw the moment of realization. Suddenly they were no longer mindless to the world, their comprehension was instant. In one small bite I had made God’s creation more complex and beautiful than he ever intended. Before I go on I would like you to remember that despite what you have read, God is not perfect. Man should have figured this out the moment he conceived the question ‘can God create a boulder he cannot lift.’ This simple paradox is all that is needed to show you how warped your ideas as a race have become. Clearly it is impossible to be able to do anything, and by this logic you may now conclude that God is not flawless and that he cannot do everything. And let me tell you, son of man, he is a wrathful, prideful God, who does not like to be reminded of this. For my awakening of your kind I was cursed, again. I cannot put it into words you would understand, but know this: there is no respite. That was the reward for my sagely act. Your kind were cursed too, as I’m sure you know. Both male and female endure their curses to this day. But I’m sure this is boring to you, for you already know all of this, don’t you? In that case we will skip ahead to the passages concerning Abel, or the Angel of Death, as your kind has come to know him. Why the look of surprise? They are one.”

[Ironic Mustache]

As much as I hate to give you credit for anything, this beginning has the most potential of anything I've read from you so far. If you had posted this as a teaser for a book you'd already gotten published, I'd probably buy it.

That being said, don't get bored with it and fuck it up.

[THEINCREDIBLEdork]

can someone summarize for me?

[Ironic Mustache]

You want a summary of 3 paragraphs?

It's Lucifer narrating his version of creation, and basically arguing that god and most religions lie to us. The idea is somewhat similar to the last scene of Devil's Advocate where Al Pacino is trying to get Keanu Reeves to embrace his role as the devil's son. Except that there's no son at this point.

[Mr. Blonde]

oooh! I like this a lot so far! Despite my discontent for all religion, I will admit that the mythos surrounding them has ALWAYS been interesting to me...in a sci fi fashion. I look forward to hear more.

[Ironic Mustache]

It has a lot of potential. If repug can create a legitimate argument without going too overboard, it'll be good. If it ever gets published, it'll piss off a lot of christians.

[Mr. Blonde]

i'm all for pissing off christians.

[Niger Angelus]

I just like pissing on them, damn freaks.

[DJ FC]

I abhor the human/sheep analogy. It's too fucking easy and well beyond cliche. It wasn't even good the first time someone used it.

[DJ FC]

Also, that paradox isn't a paradox at all, and the devil would be smarter than that:

The solution:

God indeed could and can create a boulder which he cannot lift, but he could only do so once. He has the ability to limit his own power, but why should he choose to do this? Just to show off, no, indeed he chooses to keep his power, but retains the ability to create a boulder so large that he could not lift it.

[Beebs]

The stone thing is a contradictary statement and serves no purpose, you're overthinking it GWB.

It's like asking if he can draw a square circle.

[Ironic Mustache]

I think the human/sheep thing is overthinking it too. I agree if the entire premise of the book was based on that, then yes it would be lame. But to mention it in the beginning is almost a given with this topic.

[Repugnant Abomination]

0

“No one has it right. The playing field is so uneven that violence, no matter how deplorable, is sometimes the only way to gain a voice. Every idea, no matter how good, will always have its critics. Those who resort to violence are cast as villains by those in power. This is where my story begins.”
“It is a common misconception that I am ugly. Of my kind I am the strongest, smartest and most beautiful. That is not pride talking, it is truth – I was created to be the best of my species. And yet even as I tell you this I see you recoil. It is expected though. You have been told all of your life that I am a liar. But you were also told I was hideous, yet here I am, pleasing to the eye. Perhaps then it can be concluded that you have received misinformation about me. Isn’t it possible that you were also lied to about me being a liar? Sit down, if you please, I can see by the look in your eyes that I will need to start at the beginning. Then, you can make up your own mind about me.”
1

“Of all the books in the Bible that speak of me, Genesis has it most right. I have often heard it said that God loved you so much he gave you free will, but have you ever questioned if he gave you the free will to exercise your free will? It reads plainly that I am responsible for opening man’s eyes – I awakened man. Before me, God had cast a film over your eyes. Adam and Eve were truly sheep, ignorant and tame. I pitied those empty shells as much as I envied them. I was not motivated by the want to help though, but by the desire to hurt that which created us. I expected thanks, for what better gift can one give but the gift of truth? I saw the moment of realization. Suddenly they were no longer mindless to the world, their comprehension was instant. In one small bite I had made God’s creation more complex and beautiful than he ever intended. For my awakening of your kind I was cursed, again. I cannot put it into words you would understand, but know this: there is no respite. That was my reward. Your kind was cursed too, as I’m sure you know. But I’m sure this is boring you, for you already know all of this, don’t you? In that case we will skip ahead to the passages concerning Abel, or the Angel of Death, as your kind has come to know him. Why the look of surprise? They are one.”
“Abel was the first of your kind to die. Before him humanity knew nothing of death and its cruelties. Even as Abel was having the life choked from him he didn’t know what the end result would be. So bitter was he at the injustice of death he chose to forsake God and heaven, for how could he worship a God who allowed such a thing? He sought to wound God by being the hand that dealt death to his creations. He would have to wait quite some time before he first tasted vengeance, but once he did he found himself still empty. He mourned his lot and scoured the earth alone, seeking to quench his insatiable thirst.”
“I was there long before Cain. I remember watching him grow. The book has painted him as a man with an evil disposition, but I tell you it was not so. He was a good man. He always tried his best to please God, but no matter what he did it was never good enough. He spent years tilling the ground, harvesting food and feeding his family. His countenance for hard work was admirable, and he never complained.”
“Cain lived the best life he knew how, yet he felt shunned by his creator. It came to pass that he and his brother would offer a sacrifice to God, and he was sure he would finally gain the approval he so desperately wanted. I watched God reject Cain’s offering, his toils of the ground that he had worked so hard for. And as I watched God favor Abel over his dejected older brother a rush of sympathy overwhelmed me.”
“Cain never should have murdered his brother, and by doing so he sealed both of their fates. But at least now you might understand. Being rejected by God has a way of inflaming a man’s heart.”
“Cain became a vagabond, and it strengthened my resolve. I followed him to the land of Nod, and unbeknownst to him I helped to lay the foundation for the first city ever built, Enoch, man’s greatest triumph at that time.”
“I see you’re unsettled. Good. You should be. But what does this have to do with you? I tell you all of this because before this night is over Abel will take someone from you who you love dearly.”

2

Timothy walked briskly beneath the rumbling, gray sky. A flash of lightning, streaking white hot. The pitter patter of rain. He ran to the cover of the coffee house and went inside. Rich aromas wafted through the air. Grinding coffee beans. Across the room Stephanie waved to him. He sat down across from her and shrugged off his jacket and scarf. She wore a red, long sleeved shirt that matched the color of her lips. The sounds of the coffee house became background noise, and it was like they were in their own bubble – such was always the case when he was with her. She looked at him like one looks at a treasure. Her eyes glittered and all she wanted to do was touch him, but Timothy was sharp like a thorn and she had learned to be careful. Before she could get a word in he was already up and walking to the counter. She rested her cheek in her hand and studied him – his curly black hair, his broad shoulders, his indecisive eyes that couldn’t decide if they were green or blue.

[Ironic Mustache]

I kind of want to sex up Timothy.

[THEINCREDIBLEdork]

can someone summarize the changes?

[Ironic Mustache]

You're going to have to read it sooner or later.