The Male Code

The Male Code is a set of guidelines for all males to follow. If followed, it will rid the world of questions regarding male-male relationships. Following is the unrevised first copy of The Male Code. Feel free to leave suggestions and additions.


The Male Code

November 29th, 2002 (The Day After [Thanksgiving])

Attendance: tonguegina of Indiana, Orgazmo of Indiana, Ugly Bastard of Indiana

We, the forefathers of the code, do swear to abide by all factors there in. We promise to uphold all articles and amendments as if they were law. We hold these truths to be self evident, and all men are not created equal.

Article I. Plans:

All plans made between and including men are no more than tentative, penciled in possibilities. If at any point there is a better offer by the opposite sex, it is immediately null and void, as if they had never met. No matter how important the event.

If two men are in the middle of an activity, then the rule still applies, causing the other man to even find a ride home with a stranger if necessary. If women are involved in the activity it is the job of the left behind man to explain the situation to them.


Article II. Women:

When asked about possibilities of hooking up with a certain woman, the man asked is to always give the full truth. Feelings are thrown out the window at this point, and said man is to let the truth be known.

Do not lead another man on to believe he has a chance with a woman that is way out of his league.

Before dating a friend’s former female companion, you are required to ask said friend’s permission, and he, in turn, is required to accept it (Exceptions: He has had sex with her in the past month or he strongly feels that your being with her would completely diminish your character. For every month that they were together would be another week that the said friend can deny authorization).

Never aid a woman in the bashing of a fellow man, unless said woman is withholding sexual activities pending your response.

The morning after you and a babe who was formerly just a friend have carnal, drunken, monkey sex, the fact that you are feeling weird and guilty is no reason not to nail her again before the discussion about what a big mistake it was takes place.


Article III. Homosexuals:

Men are to realize that just because a man is thin, single, and tidy, does not mean that said man is a homosexual. Any comments by a third party suggesting otherwise shall be struck down by a follower of the male code.

No man is ever required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering another man’s birthday is strictly optional and slightly gay (Exception: If the birthday is his 16, 18, 21, 25, and every increment of 5 there after).

If a friend is already singing along to a song in the car, you may not join him, due to the homosexual nature of this activity, however, three or more men are allowed to sing in the car.

Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.

If a friend confesses to another friend that he is a homosexual, and asks the man not to tell anyone, the man does not have to live up to this request, in fact, he is encouraged to tell every one he knows about the other man’s homosexuality in an attempt to prevent any possible ass raping that could ensue.


Article IV. Breakdown:

If a fellow man is upset and has a mental breakdown over a woman, it is the responsibility of the other men to help pick him up, dust him off, and get him back out on the prowl with in a one week period (the deadline may be extended, based on length of relationship). There are phases to recovery in such a breakdown:

Phase I - The Sweat pants Stage
Phase II - Getting Drunk and Going to a Strip Club
Phase III - Picturing yourself with another woman
Phase IV - Never wanting to have a relationship ever


Article V. Double Dating:

If double dating is asked by a fellow man to help the woman see the man in his "natural setting", then the obligation falls on the asked man, unless other plans have been made with a woman (if not a woman see Article I) at that certain time.


Article VI. Girlfriend:

How to know you have yourself a girlfriend:

1)You scrub the tub before she comes over (hands and knees stuff)

2)There is a box of Tampax anywhere in your house

3)There is an implied Saturday night date

Must offer heart-felt and public condolences over the death of a cat, even if it was you that secretly set it on fire and threw it into the blades of a ceiling fan.


Article VII. Hookups:

Any woman found by one man that will be good for another shall be hooked up at that man's discretion. Never, I repeat, never describe said woman as better than she is.


Article VIII. Help:

Any and all help toward the growth of a relationship that can be put forward by a third party is required, such as returning extra money accidentally given by a check out girl.

Agreeing to distract the ugly friend of a hot babe, your friend is trying to hook up with, is your legal duty. Should you get carried away with your good deed, and end up participating in sexual promiscuity with the ogre, your friend is required to take it to his grave...even at your bachelor party.

If a friend asks to borrow any, or all, material objects you possess in the attempt to further his relationship with a female, then it shall be immediately granted.


Article IX. Road Trips:

The strongest bladder determines a rest stop...not the weakest.

The passengers are always expected to chip in their share of gas money, even if the amount is relatively small.


Article X. Common Courtesy:

Any friction or chemistry of any sort by any woman toward another man is to be promptly pointed out to said man to be sure it goes noticed. This includes smiles, glances, and flirtatious discussion.

The universal compensation for buddy who help you move is beer.

Acceptable excuse for not helping a friend move: your legs have been severed in a freak spelunking accident. Acceptable excuse for not helping a friend of a friend move: you have to take a piss.

Never hesitate to reach for the last beer, or the last slice of pizza, but not both, that’s just plain mean.

Bitching about the brand of free beer in a buddy’s refrigerator is forbidden. You may only gripe if the temperature is unsuitable.

The minimum amount of time that you are required to wait for another guy, who is running late, is 5 minutes. The maximum amount of time that you are required to wait for another guy, who is running late, is 6 minutes. For a woman, you are required to wait 10 minutes for every point of hotness she scores on the classic 1-10 scale.

If a man’s zipper is down, then that is his problem, and you did not see anything, unless him zipping up his pants is going to greatly increase his chances of hooking up with a member of the opposite sex.

Never talk to a unknown man when in the bathroom, unless on equal footing (Example: both pissing, both waiting in line, both washing hands, etc.). In most situations, however, a nod is all that is needed.

You have a 24 hour window to begin dating a new friend’s sister. If you fail to do so, she is off limits, unless you are planning to marry her.

Never assault another man’s genitalia. Unless you are involved in a fight.

Friends don’t let friends wear bikini bottoms...ever.

Never is a man to buy alcohol on his 21 birthday...that is the responsibility of his friends.

When two men, and only two men, go to see a movie in a theater, they are never to sit next to each other. There should always be at least a one seat buffer between the two, unless it is a sold out showing, at which point the said men are not to share, or use, the separating arm rest.

Never cheat with a friend’s female companion.

Always cheat with an enemy’s female companion, even if she is hideous. Fuck her brains out just out of spite.

If a friend’s female companion is putting the moves on you, nicely explain to her that you would not feel right getting involved with her, as that would conflict with the friendship you share with her partner. Then go, and never mention what happened to anyone, except your friend, in an attempt to prevent him from pursuing a further relationship with someone who is shopping around and to safeguard against false claims that you hit on her, made by the woman.

If a man catches another man masturbating, the catcher is to immediately leave the room of the catchee, and never mention what he saw to anyone. It is the catchee’s job never to discuss what the catcher saw, because it will ultimately make both parties feel awkward in the long run.

Friends don’t let friends drive drunk. If necessary, beat the shit out of them to get their keys. It’s better than them dying.

Anytime a man wants to copy something of yours, whether it be a cd, hair style, quotes, homework, etc., you are to let him. You do not have to be pleased with the copying, but you have to let him. Always remember that copying is a form of flattery.


Article XI. Bachelor Party:

Each and every man is entitled to a bachelor party in the event of his marriage to a woman.

Never, ever, bring any type of recording device to a bachelor party, including any person who has a tendency to share materials to those who it does not concern.


Article XII. Legalities:

If a buddy is outnumbered, out manned, or to drunk to fight, then you must jump into the fight (Exception: If within the last 24 hours, his actions have caused you to think, “What this guy needs is a good ass beating”, then you may sit back and enjoy).

If a man is in a sober one on one fight, that for the most part is structurally fair, then you must never jump into the battle, instead, let your friend fight his own fight.

You must never call the cops or report any felony that your friend has committed, unless he has murdered a member of your family, or a friend that is closer to you than the friend that committed the murder.

Here are the guidelines for when a friend asks a friend to borrow money:

1)If the request is for $.01 to $20, you must always loan it to them if you have it, pending extreme absurd circumstances.

2)If the request is for $20.01 to $100, you are to grant the request, if you have the requested amount, assuming that he has a good reason.

3)If the request is for $100.01+, you are not obligated to grant his request what so ever, just know that if you do grant the request, you will be considered a damn good friend, and you will be rewarded for this loan in the next life.


Aritcle XIII. Sports:

Unless there is the extreme possibility of sexual conduct taking place because of the invitation to this event, a man is required to offer any and all extra sports related tickets to another man before he can move on to asking a woman.

Unless you have signed a lucrative endorsement contract, do not appear in public wearing more than one swoosh (Exception: you are wearing a pair of Nike tennis shoes).

When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event, you may always ask the score of the game in progress, but never who is playing.


Article XIV. Dating:

Thou shalt not rent the movie “Chocolat”.

You are expected to pay for everything on a date, unless the woman offers to pay, in which case you may accept her offer.

The ultimate test to decipher if a woman is a “keeper” is to unlock her passenger side door, let her in, shut the door, and while walking around the BACK of the car, peer in through the back windshield. If she reaches over and unlocks your door, then she is a “keeper”, however, if she makes you get out your keys and make you unlock your own door, then take her home immediately (Exceptions: if you have automatic locks).

A woman who reaches for the bill at a restaurant is to be treated as a princess for the balance of the evening.

If a woman reaches for the check, then fails to unlock your car door, a few moments later in the parking lot, then you are not required to dump her, however it is strongly suggested.

You may flatulence in front of a woman, only after you have brought her to climax. If you trap her head under the covers, for the purpose of flatulant entertainment, she’s officially your girlfriend.


Article XV. Punishments:

If after a simple reminder of what the male code states, a person knowingly acts against it, the following will be his punishment.

Occasional Offender: We tell him of our distaste of his actions, and try to promote in him a better male lifestyle.

Monthly Offender: They will be disregarded in the planing of the next big male event.

Weekly Offender: Alert as many males as possible to his direct violations of the code. The males alerted, will then treat the male as if he were a Chronic Offender for a period of 24 hours, where in he will be returned to male status.

Chronic Offender: He is no longer considered a male and will be considered dead to the remaining males, which means no mutual respect would exist, pending an intervention, where in if he decides to continue his actions, he will be dismissed. If during the intervention, he sees the light, he will enter a recovery type program, and it will be the duties of the other males to help him through this difficult time in his life.

[This message has been edited by Orgazmo (edited December 01, 2002).]

This is simply amazing.

Where do i sign?

[Baby_boy]

Amen to that, i'll sign that one to

[victim]

Wow. There probably needs to be an amendment or two, but that was incredible.

Signed: victim

[This message has been edited by victim (edited December 01, 2002).]

[Combat Chuck]

I'm not sure this astounding piece of literary genius needs any amending. My pen is ready to lose some ink.

[Trout Sniffer]

Alright, just one suggestion:
What ever happened to "Bro's before Ho's?

Just a suggestion, but...

signed: Trout Sniffer

[This message has been edited by Trout Sniffer (edited December 02, 2002).]

Well Trout, perhaps your aforementioned suggestion would be valid in a Utopian society; however, we live in a world of realism. While we may say that Bro's before Ho's is the motto of life...it, in most cases, really isn't. Because of the fact that the Male Code is based upon fact (and not fiction), the articles shall remain in present form (pending the opinions of the other forefathers).

[Ugly Bastard]

Trout-

You do raise a moderately interesting point. But let me ask you this question in an attempt to stifle your anti-Male Code thoughts.

Would you rather hang out with friends and play video games, or would you rather go make-out with a gorgeous female?

I rest my case.

-Ugly Bastard

[THEINCREDIBLEdork]

Originally Posted by Ugly Bastard

Would you rather hang out with friends and play video games, or would you rather go make-out with a gorgeous female?

Easy answer, the former.

Pretty much a shitty male code altogether.

[Ugly Bastard]

We were such little fag-tards then. Still are for the most part.

[Orgazmo]

Haha, Jesus.

Just...just Jesus.

[f3lix]

You guys were all virgins, weren't you.

Originally Posted by Orgazmo

While we may say that Bro's before Ho's is the motto of life...it, in most cases, really isn't.

Some people never change.

[Orgazmo]

I'll take solace in the fact that I've changed more than you have.

Originally Posted by f3lix

If prostitution were legalized, I wouldn't have to rape girls for sex.

Source (in case you don't know how to click on the arrow thing in the quote box)

[f3lix]

Did it take you all 40 minutes between our posts to find that gem of my shock and awe period?

[Orgazmo]

Nope.

Did it take you all 36 minutes between our posts to calculate that my checkmate post came exactly 40 minutes after your shitty post?

[BigDongedHoe]

f3lix is a dummy head

[f3lix]

Your standards are quite low for yourself if you think your response was a "checkmate." It was funny, sure. I could only give you real credit if you stumbled upon it and was waiting for the right time to strike. But you and I both know, you are not capable of such stealth and strategic activity.

[Orgazmo]

Stealth and strategic activity are both part of my long, handy middle name.

[Pliedes]

That's what she said.