Official Nubblies Contest #11: The Aristocrats - The Poll

[Orgazmo]

This is very important:
If you vote for your own entry, you will be disqualified. After all of the votes have been tallied, I'm going to go through and check which usernames have voted for each entry to ensure that this doesn't happen. Yes, I really can do this. Yes, I really will do this. Yes, I know all of your 2nd names. Yes, I know all of your 3rd names, too. And yes, I really will disqualify you.

From here it's pretty straight forward. Simply read through all of the submissions and vote on which one (that is not your own) you think is the best. The best is going to be for you to decide...whether your criteria is most offensive, funniest, or best written. It doesn't really matter. I do ask that you please read through all of the entries before you cast your vote!. That's just common courtesy.

The entries are in a random order.

The poll will be open for 72 hours.

Vote away.

Entry #1

A family walks into a talent agency. It's a father, mother, son, daughter and a dish washing Mexican. The father says to the talent agent, "We have a really amazing act. You should represent us."

The agent says, "Sorry, I don't represent family acts. They're a little too cutesy."

The mother says, "Sir, if you just see our act, we know you would want to represent us."

The agent says, "OK. OK. I'll take a look."

The father turns to his family and tells them to start in the hall. Once by one they leave and line up ready to enter on cue. The father realizes how stupid it was to come into a talent agency like this and expect to make any kind of money.
He really was better off making his son work in the mine, prostituting his daughter away, and slowly selling his wifes body parts off ebay (she only had one kidney and overary left). Sweat started popping on his brow and he started to shake...he'd just have to improvise.
He brought out his harmonica and hit a note, hearing his cue the son walked in. Hearing his angelic voice the talent agency started to cry. "Shit", thought the father, he really does suck. In one swift motion he brought his shin into the boys crotch. In another he tightened his fist around a roll of quarters and heard his sons eye socket make a loud *POP* sound as it crumbled under

For the longest time, the agent just sits in silence. Finally, he manages, "That's a hell of an act. What do you call it?"

And the father says, "The Aristocrats!"

Entry #2

A family walks into a talent agency. It's a father, mother, son, daughter and a cadaver. The father says to the talent agent, "We have a really amazing act. You should represent us."

The agent says, "Sorry, I don't represent family acts. They're a little too cutesy."

The mother says, "Sir, if you just see our act, we know you would want to represent us."

The agent says, "OK. OK. I'll take a look."

Immediately the son and daughter begin kissing, heavy petting.....The father introduces the agent to his mother the cadaver.....

He props her up on the agents desk and begins pawing at her necrotic breasts. Mom has already dropped to her knees and is unzipping her sons pants. Sister is furious! Jealousy takes over when she sees Mom has bested her gag reflex and is able to gobble all 9 inches of Son....

The Sister wedges Grandmas leg between the desk and and the book shelf and drops the Incestrous Peoples Elbow on her thigh..breaking it in half.
Sister strips the rotting flesh off, exposing Grandmas femur. Father is too busy trying to re-attach Grandmas nipple for his suckle fetish to feel his pants being drawn down to his ankles. Sis blasts a nice nicotine phlegm globber straight into her Fathers filthy asshole, and rams the Grandmas jagged leg bone in.....Son, completely bored with his moms blowjob attempts(after all these years) reaches around and starts whacking Dad off...cupping the balls even!

Dad wretches in pain as splintered bone lodges in his rectum.....causing his hands to grasp and spasm...tearing Grandmas rotting balloons off...he turns , and horks straight into his Sons open mouth.

Son spews goo. Dad spews his too. Mom and Sis slurp it all up. Grandma falls over, into several rancid pieces.

For the longest time, the agent just sits in silence. Finally, he manages, "That's a hell of an act. What do you call it?"

And the father says, "The Aristocrats!"

Entry #3

A family walks into a talent agency. It's a father, mother, son, daughter, dog, and baby. The father says to the talent agent, "We have a really amazing act. You should represent us."

The agent says, "Sorry, I don't represent family acts. They're a little too cutesy."

The mother says, "Sir, if you just see our act, we know you would want to represent us."

The agent says, "OK. OK. I'll take a look."

The mother immediately pulls out a dildo and shoves it into her husband’s ass. The son, aroused by his father’s O-shaped mouth, sticks his cock inside it. The daughter lifts up the dog and has the dog begin to butt-fuck the son, while the mother puts on a strap-on and starts to fuck her daughter. The father can’t take the dildo any more and projects it out of his ass spraying shit all over his baby on the floor. Disgusted by this, the son goes limp and pees in his dad’s mouth. The father spits out the piss all over his wife’s chest, which is licked up by the dog. The daughter then vomits into her dad’s mouth, as he starts butt-fucking the dog. The baby begins rubbing the shit all over himself and begins whacking himself off. The son then butt-fucks the baby, creating a loud, pelvic-breaking crack. The baby cums on the son’s face while the son cums in the baby’s ass. The father cock-slaps his daughter’s face with his shit-infested dick, calls her a Mexican, and tells her to clean up the mess all over the floor, like a good Mexican should.

For the longest time, the agent just sits in silence. Finally, he manages, "That's a hell of an act. What do you call it?"

And the father says, "The Aristocrats!"

Entry #4

A family walks into a talent agency. It's a father, mother, son, daughter and a tyranosaurus rex. The father says to the talent agent, "We have a really amazing act. You should represent us."

The agent says, "Sorry, I don't represent family acts. They're a little too cutesy."

The mother says, "Sir, if you just see our act, we know you would want to represent us."

The agent says, "OK. OK. I'll take a look."

The son and the mother start having sex and then the tyranosaurus bits off the father's arm and then spits it out. The son picks it up and begins fisting the mother's ass with it. The mother then starts sucking the blood out of the father's empty socket and spitting it all over audience and the T-Rex. This makes the T-Rex go crazy, who in turn starts rampaging through the audience killing everyone. The father starts jerking off (with his good hand) to the carnage, and then cums on his son. Then the mother sucks off the T-Rex and bukkakes the audience with her mouth with T-Rex jizm, which makes them come back to life. The audience then applauds and starts throwing money at at family.

For the longest time, the agent just sits in silence. Finally, he manages, "That's a hell of an act. What do you call it?"

And the father says, "The Aristocrats!"

Entry #5

A family walks into a talent agency. It's a father, mother, son, daughter, a 2 year old boy, and a motorized-wheelchair bound grandmother. The father says to the talent agent, "We have a really amazing act. You should represent us."

The agent says, "Sorry, I don't represent family acts. They're a little too cutesy."

The mother says, "Sir, if you just see our act, we know you would want to represent us."

The agent says, "OK. OK. I'll take a look."

Excitedly, the family gets into formation as upbeat music starts to play from their boombox. As they all stand in a line, they all begin to march in place in what looks like the beginning of a tasteful family performance.

All of a sudden, one by one, they start ripping off all their clothes. The son and daughter rip off grandma's clothes for her. Then, the mom runs over to the grandma and starts squirting breast milk all over grandma, the wheelchair, and the floor for a full minute. As grandma is being showered with the mom's breastmilk, she fists herself over and over again until she cums all over herself. The son lays down on the floor to catch the breastmilk and cum thats dripping off the wheelchair.

Meanwhile, the dad lifts the 2 year old over his head as the 2 year old starts puking and shitting on the dad's face. The daughter licks the puke and shit thats running down the dad's naked body and spits mouthfulls of the 2 year olds shit-puke at the son while he is drinking the wheelchair juice. Then the daughter gets on her knees and starts poking herself in the eyes with the dad's dick and balls while she lets the 2 year old's shit-puke fall out of her mouth onto her face and chest,

Then, the family forms a human bridge. On bottom are mom and dad. On top of mom and dad is the son and daughter and at the very top is the 2 year old boy. The family bridge marches in place as the grandmother, soaked in her own cum and the mom's breast milk, takes position behind them.

The music stops and a drumroll begins. The grandmother then starts rolling toward the bridge to go under it. As she nears the opening, each member of the family starts shitting and pissing and puking. The grandma rolls through a veritable waterfall of human waste. As she reaches the end, she then shifts her wheelchair into overdrive and the wheels start spinning in the puddle of bodily fluids and starts kicking up human waste all over the family, the walls and the ceiling.

The family, soaked in shit, piss, puke, cum, and breastmilk, start to go into a new formation. The mom and dad run over and stand next to the grandma, one on each side. Then, the son jumps on the dad's back and the daughter jumps on the mom's back. The grandma takes the baby and shoves its left foot into the son's asshole, and the right foot into the daughter's asshole. The dangling 2 year old puts his head into the grandma's crotch and bites down onto the grandma's hairy bush. The mom and dad start walking forward as the grandma is screaming in pain while being dragged by her pubes. The family begins to gain some speed and suddenly turns, ripping out the grandma's pubes, sending her sliding though the pool of bodily fluids toward the agent's desk. The grandma is screaming and crying as she slides to a stop.

Finally the family runs into the center of the room and says, "Tada!"

For the longest time, the agent just sits in silence. Finally, he manages, "That's a hell of an act. What do you call it?"

And the father says, "The Aristocrats!"

Entry #6

A family walks into a talent agency. It's a father, mother, son, daughter and their puppy. The father says to the talent agent, "We have a really amazing act. You should represent us."

The agent says, "Sorry, I don't represent family acts. They're a little too cutesy."

The mother says, "Sir, if you just see our act, we know you would want to represent us."

The agent says, "OK. OK. I'll take a look."

Without hesitation, the father pulls out a microwave from underneath a blanketed cart. In an instant, the squirming puppy is thrown inside and the timer set to 5 minutes.

With the dog inside slowly turning on the rotary plate, licking the front glass and wagging his tail, the timer slowly ticks down. While this is going on, the family of 4 begins to furiously run around as they set out plates and dinner utensils on the cart which previously held the microwave. As this is going on, the dog's demeanor inside of the oven slowly turns away from "curious puppy" as he begins to softly whimper and paw at the front glass.

While the animal slowly cooks in front of the now set dinner cart, the attention of the father and children turns toward the mother. The three of them pounce on her and begin to beat her about the torso and face. As she squirms to get away, the father finally lands a haymaker to her temple which knocks her out. In the meantime, the puppy isn't doing so well in the microwave. As the timer ticks down to the 2 minute mark, he's actively yelping as a feces/blood mixture slowly runs down the backs of his legs.

With the mother not moving on the ground, the son moves to her legs and quickly removes her pants. Almost like he was born as this his duty, he immediately places his asshole up against her vagina as he begins shitting...directly into her hatchet wound. As the son does this, the father holds down the daughter and rips her clothes off. She begins screaming, "What are you doing? This isn't part of the act!" The father responds to this with a slap across the face as he begins vigorously fucking his screaming, adolescent daughter. The scene inside the microwave is even more horrifying. The puppy has stopped making sounds as he lies on the rotating microwave plate. His skin slowly bubbles up and down as his entire body quakes every few seconds. His eyes are still open though they seem to have burst as they're leaking a whitish, yellow jelly substance.

As his daughter screams in pain, the father jumps up from her and runs over to his shitting son, who seems to just be finishing up. He throws his son to the side as he thrusts his cock inside of his wife's shit-filled slot. With one thrust, he shoots his monstrous load inside of her as he moans in pleasure. Just as he does this, the microwave timer dings and the son quickly opens the door. As he does, the smell of a burnt flesh/hair/shit/piss mixture quickly fills the room. The puppy seems to have had a miniature explosion...as the walls and ceiling of the microwave are covered in splattered blood and feces. The boy quickly removes what is left of the bubbling, mostly-liquified canine corpse and quickly takes it over to his still-unconscious mother. Without missing a beat, he immediately shoves the entire thing into her cunt, which has been turned into a cauldron of filth.

Once this is done, the violated daughter stumbles over to the other three and begins feverishly fisting her mother. She's elbow-deep as the father and son slowly masturbate to the grotesque scene. After about 30 seconds of this, the father throws the daughter off and picks up his wife (and her dripping pussy) and lays her on the end of the dinner cart. As he does this, the son and daughter both sit down in front of a plate. At this time, the father clears his throat as he proudly announces, "Dinner is served." After this, he leaps up into the air and lands on his ass directly on his still-unconscious wife's stomach. The impact causes the shit/cum/dog mixture to shoot all over the other end of the table, completely covering the son, daughter, and all of the plates. The father them calmly climbs off of his wife and takes his seat in between his two children as the three of them begin to eat in peace.

For the longest time, the agent just sits in silence. Finally, he manages, "That's a hell of an act. What do you call it?"

And the father says, "The Aristocrats!"

Entry #7

A family walks into a talent agency. It's a father, mother, son, daughter and a baby. The father says to the talent agent, "We have a really amazing act. You should represent us."

The agent says, "Sorry, I don't represent family acts. They're a little too cutesy."

The mother says, "Sir, if you just see our act, we know you would want to represent us."

The agent says, "OK. OK. I'll take a look."

The family lines up in front of the stage, baby in mother’s arms, daughter in front, and the father holding his 25 year old severely retarded son, sets him on the ground next to the mother. After a four count, they begin singing “Jesus loves me,” while the father begins to undress his 6 year old daughter. He takes her panties and puts them on top of his head, with the crotch over his nose. Once he starts fucking the shit out of her, she sings a verse solo with her cute little girl voice wavering with each thrust.

The mother and baby go back stage and come back with a cross. The mother then lays the cross down horizontally onstage. Then to the agents shock, she begins nailing the retard onto the cross. After she’s done, she sucks out a glass eye from the retards head, then sits on his face and carefully squeezes some shit into his empty eye cavity. The retard squeals with delight as he feels the warmth of the poo in his eye socket.

When she’s finished she bends over and plugs her asshole with the glass eye, making her ass look like a Cyclops, her hairy vag looking like a beard.

The father pulls out of his daughter and splooges all over the retards face, he walks over to the mother bites her huge tuft of pubic hair, and runs his teeth through his wife’s hairy vag. Then he turns to the audience and smiles really big, with lots of loose pubes stuck in his teeth. Then with his wife’s help, they lift the cross up so the retard is vertical.

The daughter begins slowly sucking farts out of the retards ass. When she gets a mouthful, she pulls down his pants to reveal a colostomy bag full of piss and shit. She pulls the catheter out his cock and sucks a big gulp of piss from the bag. She switches on and off from sipping from the bag and sucking out farts. Every time the daughter begins to vomit, the father slaps her face and yells at her to swallow the vomit in her mouth.

Meanwhile, the father is dipping his cock into the giggling retards eye socket, then putting his cock in front of the baby’s mouth so it can suck the shit off his cock. This is repeated until the rest of the poo is gone. Once the urine is gone from the bag, the little girl walks over to the baby and snorts a line of coke off the baby’s chest.

The little girl turns to the audience, with a ring of sticky, brown butt juice around her mouth, and says “God bless us everyone!”

For the longest time, the agent just sits in silence. Finally, he manages, "That's a hell of an act. What do you call it?"

And the father says, "The Aristocrats!"

Bump

[Ironic Mustache]

This contest has been going on for months now.

[THEINCREDIBLEdork]

This shit is rigged.

[Orgazmo]

A day and some change left to vote.

[MAGICLIT]

i voted yay-ya!

[Ironic Mustache]

Voting stops 10 minutes after I get off work, friggin' great.

[THEINCREDIBLEdork]

and the winner is...

Entry #7

[THEINCREDIBLEdork]

ME BITCHES, MEEEEEEEEEEE! FUCK YOU COCKSUCKERS!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I RULE!!!

[Orgazmo]

The final results:

Entry #1 - blackbirdsjoy - 0 votes
Entry #2 - Carnivorous Flavor - 2 votes
Entry #3 - f3lix - 0 votes
Entry #4 - Ironic Mustache - 1 vote
Entry #5 - ninjaface - 5 votes
Entry #6 - Orgazmo - 1 vote
Entry #7 - THEINCREDIBLEdork - 7 votes

THEINCREDIBLEdork is the new Nubblies Contest Champion!

Congratulations, SexFist. Fine work.

And congrats to all of the competitors. All fine entries (except for the people who didn't get any votes).

[ November 17, 2005, 10:29 PM: Message edited by: Orgazmo ]

[f3lix]

Fuck you guys

[ November 17, 2005, 10:40 PM: Message edited by: f3lix ]

[THEINCREDIBLEdork]

This is the single greatest day of my life.

[theMerciless1]

"The retard squeals with delight as he feels the warmth of the poo in his eye socket. "

this is the line that stole my heart.

[blackbirdsjoy]

.....lost 2/3rds of it b/c my dumbass pm'd it ... i would have won

I voted for ninja.

[THEINCREDIBLEdork]

You obviously didn't read mine then. I too voted for ninja. I was thinking maybe I should have two golden N's, since I won by two votes. Look at my medal, its so awesome. Look how fucking shiny it is! Is that pure Au?

[Ironic Mustache]

Who voted for my t-rex one? I thought it was pretty good. Very to the point.

[ninjaface]

I would have voted for yours if the T-Rex would have talked or danced.

[fat_retard]

Number 7 was amazing. It was destined to win.

[Carnivorous Flavor]

im so disapointed........cut to the chase i say...those stories drag on.....my story is easy to read and FAST...but,there were good points in all of them......

i especially liked Dorks "Tiny Tim" ending...classic.

i didnt vote, because i wanted to win, but if i did vote, it would have been for Dork.

Ninjaface's sucked, and i challenge him to a writing battle.

[malice]

I didnt read them because I am too lazy but I vote for #8 (the one that should have been mine but I was too damn late to enter).

[Ironic Mustache]

If you were too late to enter this contest, then you had no business being in it. There was a solid 4 1/2 years to enter originally, and then it got extended easily another decade.

[THEINCREDIBLEdork]

one day mario woke up and decided to take a shit - YouTube

one day mario woke up and decided to take a shit - YouTube